[officerjimlahey]

It's hopefully not (quite) as shallow as it sounds but I'm afraid the more that I think about it, I am very afraid that it's that black and white...

Just tonight, I was bored and energetic and feeling inspired so I wrote out a "ideal relationship" goal list and I was rather proud of it because not only was it based solely on psychological factors and common beliefs, it was incredibly general and I think based on that list alone it wouldn't be so hard to find a mate that was suitable for me.

I am consistently trying to be positive and picture how that future person in my life is real and will come along eventually, but I've noticed that my sole issue is that when I picture this person who has the pretty attainable personality that I'm after, I start to fret when I realize that the truth is that even if I found someone just like what I want emotionally, I also expect them to be as handsome as I would hope for in my head.

Frankly, I may have already known a few people in my life that I think I could have been happy with based on how they treat me, but the problem and why although I was able to acknowledge that, is that I was just not physically attracted to them. And that fact alone is what stresses me out and makes me insecure about not finding peace and happiness in a relationship.

I think it's worse than it was before, with me let not knowing how to repair it, because the last person I was seeing is the most beautiful, attractive man I have ever been with. I admittedly still have some feelings for him, even, but am already in the "moving on" process because he did not seem to match me at all emotionally.

I am afraid that I can't even allow myself to get to know if someone is my emotional match unless they are at least equally as physically attractive as him? Or, is it just perhaps only such an issue because I still see him in my mind all the time and maybe my feelings are still just too strong?

I'm stressing and I'm trying not to let myself sink into any type of depression about this. Any advice would be appreciated.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

At least it is easy to visually recognise your perfect match. It is so much harder if you have to find out about others personality, life goals and sense of humour etc, etc, etc.

And think of the cost - the amount I spent on flowers, restaurants, chocolate, tickets to the opera, romantic weekends to Bognor and Paris; it would have been cheaper to go for a mail-order bride from those dodgy East European websites.

Don't knock being focussed on looks - if it works for you go with it.

[divine1966]

I don't have any advice. I certainly need to feel chemistry to get involved with a man. But it is nothing to do with looks. Attraction for me comes from within. Most men I loved were not good looking whatsoever. I don't know where your focus on looks come from. But as a previous poster said if it works for you so be it

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[nicoleflynn]

If you do.....meet a guy who is very attractive, and are in a long-term relationship or married......someday the looks will be gone. One can be beautiful or handsome, but it means nothing unless they have a beautiful heart and soul.....I look for kindness, sensitivity, honesty, empathy and integrity; those are qualities I want in a partner; those don't change.

[HockingPastryChef]

My first question is how old are you? Age difference can matter.

Though I wasn't for the best looking guy in the first place but who I find cute in my younger years on up. I notice a big difference in a guys appearance too after getting to know him. I can tell you when emotions connect the guy seems to have a certain glow about him that I love. I think a good personality is more sexy, than an attractive man that has no emotional connection to me.

But yes it can be more difficult looking for a guy with a good personality that you like and as attractive as you want. Nobody can say you can't do that for yourself. At the same time women in your shoes have met men who they would least expect to be with too.

I would say just wait and see where your mind takes you after more rest up with your last guy. Just focus on improving yourself for a bit and then take a look around.

[Keyslost]

I guess I would say that nothing specifically that you said makes me think you're shallow. Most people I have met want some sort of physical attraction. It's prob better to be honest about it. You don't want to end up regretting being with someone b/c of looks later. That being said I have found that even physical attractiveness to someone can change day to day and if I tell them what I like they can look appealing every day if they want to. So when you do meet someone you can talk to them about it and say something like hey I really like the way you look when _____. Be a little careful about that so you don't offend them but all in all it had actually created mutual trust and feeling of being wanted in the past for me as long as the other person understands you still like them. The other thing too I've found is changing taste over time annnd finding people attractive by spending time with them, that on paper (or in theory if that makes more sense) I didn't think I would be attracted to. So I guess my final thought here is you shouldn't feel bad if you are feeling that way. Your thoughts seem pretty normal to me. And being honest is better in the long run, you can always change your mind about what you want later.

[elevatedsoul]

look, when you meet someone you are compatible with you will know... go with it, its something that apparently can't be forced...
its good that you are examining your requirements and expectations, we all should do that.. you'll meet someone, just let it happen ok?