[JoeS21]

An acquaintance of mine who calls me a lot told me that she found out that she was codependent and now that she knows what that is, her problem is solved, no need for meetings or anything else. Trouble is she still has boundary problems and obsesses about people she's attracted to... Sometimes I dislike talking to her because she says graphic things without any warning and goes on and on about whomever she's attracted to and seems to neglect all else.

Other than that she's pretty cool.... I'd like to help her get rid of this problem.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by JoeS21

I'd like to help her get rid of this problem.

I learned something real valuable in Al-Anon. I learned that I should not focus on curing my loved one of his problem, which is outside of my power and none of my business, but I should focus on solving my problem. I hated being around my loved one when he drank. Instead of me trying to get him to stop drinking, which I was having no success at, I decided to make sure that I wasn't around him when he was drinking. This worked real well for me. He ended up getting off alcohol with no help from me.

You see, Joe, you are doing the very thing you are saying that your friend does. You are trying to remake her. Don't bother. Don't worry about her boundary problems. That's her business. Don't worry about what she obsesses about. That's not your concern. Don't worry about what she neglects. Instead, focus on what is your business. If she is making herself unpleasant for you to listen to, then deal directly with that. Never mind psychoanalyzing her. Skip the jargon and don't use words like "codependent." Al-Anon discourages the use of that term for good reason. When her conversation is about stuff that you don't really want to listen to, let her know that you'ld rather talk about something else. Do this consistently, and she may learn what types of things are annoying for you to have to listen to. If she doesn't learn, then just cut off the conversation. She'll figure it out. Then either she'll converse more appropriately with you, or she'll find someone else who wants to sit and listen to this stuff.

Trying to help other people get rid of problems, especially when the problems don't seem like problems to them, is probably the most sure-fire way to waste your time.

[willing2learn]

Ive just discovered that i may be codependent. Today. My friend has listened to my rants and raves for around 13 years. She is sooooo fantastic and i told her that today. And, i apologized for being so selfish always ranting about my relationships. She has been knowing this about me.. she just didnt have a "name" to describe it. Not that i would have listened, even though she always did. It is the right time. Im glad she was there for me all these years. I am ready to begin healing though. And, she is still supporting me even though today she baptized her baby. So, no matter what you tell your friend, she may not hear you till the timing is right. Good luck