[*Laurie*]

Hi, As some of you know I am in the process of moving from my hometown to my husband's hometown. Because the home we inherited from his parents is having some major work done on it I won't be living there quite yet - I am looking for a quiet, small rental near to the house. I've been applying for rentals & will be doing some more applying this week.

In another thread I posted about my room-mate - he was a former co-worker and friend who fell on very hard times (lost job, etc.). I offered him a room in my current home because I was trying to help him out and because the place I live in has extra space. The idea was that the friend would find another job asap and contribute to household expenses. Well, it didn't go that way. The friend never made any attempt to job-search. Instead, he just hung around the house and has totally trashed the place. He had appeared to be a frustrated man, but not a vicious one. Well, he hid the "vicious" aspect of his character very well. It has been years now that my husband and I have supported this parasite. (We have not been able to evict him from the premises due to a very stupid California law.)

I am deeply afraid of the man at this point. He has defaced my personal property, stolen from me, and so on. He blames EVERYONE in his life - especially women - for EVERYTHING that has failed in his life. The truth is, he is a real loser with serious anger issues and a multitude of psychiatric issues for which he sees no reason to seek help because of course it's all someone else's fault.

Here is my question. I am in a terrible, relentless state of severe anxiety/panic and part of why I'm in that state is because of this: When I do find a place to move into (hopefully no later than April) what do I do on moving day? I don't want the room-mate present. I hate the thought of doing this to another human being, but I think I have to move my possessions (not much) when the guy is not here...just "disappear". BUT he is always here...or, if he's away, it's not for more than an hour, and he's not far (he does not drive). What the heck do I do? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any ideas?? My room-mate's father has been almost completely unhelpful with regard to helping his son in any way, but should I try to appeal to the father...ask him to invite his son to his (very nice) home for a few days so I can make my move? Should I risk that?

I'm terribly afraid of my room-mate (he owns rifles and knows quite well how to use them). He sees my leaving as a complete abandonment...his mother abandoned him when he was four years old and he has clearly transferred his confused hatred of her onto me.

My husband, daughter, and son-in-law will be here helping me move (they will be present at all times during the move) - still, I am afraid and just cannot envision moving with the mentally unbalanced, raging man on the premises.

?????

[A Red Panda]

Hire some moving people to come with you. They'll be able to get it done quicker than you would be able to.

That's the best suggestion I can come up with. What's going to happen once you are out, in regards to selling where you are currently living?

[*Laurie*]

Thank you A Red Panda. Actually, your idea is worth considering...I might not be able to afford movers, but there's power in numbers. The more people present, the better. Although I would still like my room-mate not to be here at all. (I'm currently renting, btw.)

[~Christina]

I had a situation once , a live in would not get out . In Florida the law said I had to go through the actual eviction process , But since I feared for my safety, the police made him leave. he was given 2 hours to pack his things and leave (Police stayed while he packed)

Regardless of your state law if you fear for your safety this person can be removed.

Your afraid now.. Why wait to get him outta your home, He knows the move is going to happen and he will most likely get worse the closer the day comes..

What does your husband think about this? Why is he allowing someone you fear to stay under your roof at all?

[*Laurie*]

Well Christina, good question about my husband. My husband is not someone who likes confrontation and he's not a take-charge kind of person. He'll walk miles to avoid confrontation. He is helping me find a place to move to and giving me the money to do so. Also.....

The law here in California states that if a person lives in your home for more than 3 months they are considered a resident and cannot be made to leave without a legal eviction. Please understand: the police, whom I have called a number of times, will not remove the man from this house. They cannot legally do so without a restraining order.

Why don't I get a restraining order? Because I don't think it will stop this man from approaching me. I would be living here in complete terror. In addition, restraining orders in this state are very hard to get and only last for a few days. An exception would be if there has been overt physical abuse, as in, someone has been arrested for abuse. If there are minor children involved the law is much more supportive.

I'm really not interested in rehashing why this man is still under my roof. Obviously, if I could have I would have kicked him out. Obviously, I have tried.

My question is specifically about the day I move. I am experiencing terrible, severe panic about that day. I am experiencing awful guilt, knowing that when I leave my room-mate will likely be homeless and on the street. BUT I can get past that guilt. Really, my main problem is what to do the day I move...I don't know - perhaps this isn't a question anyone else can answer for me. I am just feeling so frightened and very desperate.

[~Christina]

Im sorry your husband isn't the type to just take the reins , my first husband was that way also.

I understand what your saying about the law, it really is slanted towards enabling the bad ones..

As for moving.. I agree about hiring some movers , if you cant afford to hire actual " moving people" you can check if you area has a " day labor" office, People can be hired from there for the day, Or if your near a college , College guys always need some xtra party money, even check with a local church many times they have members that are always looking to earn some xtra money......

I do agree that you need people around on the day you are actually moving. The fact that he has weapons is a issue for sure. Maybe just asking the police what you should do if he does start a rukus on moving day could help settle some of your fears , the unknowns are really hard for me to manage.

Stay safe and do what you need to

[*Laurie*]

Thanks very much, Christina.

[A Red Panda]

Safety in numbers for sure! Also makes the process faster, which means less time. And more witnesses if he does start s***.

Aside from police somehow getting involved, there really isn't any way for you to make him not be present. Would it be worth the hassle of getting that few-day long restraining order timed to be operative when you move?

[avlady]

i agree with red panda and christina. i wonder if there is anything you can do to make this person get rid of guns before too. do the police know he has them? are they legal? it does sound like a good idea too to have some college kids help too. good luck

[*Laurie*]

Thanks avlady.

Yes, his weapons are legal (were purchased legally). I have thought of taking them and throwing them into the river (without his knowledge, of course).

It is so hard for me to understand...if I was living in someone's home and they told me to leave, that I was no longer welcome there anymore, I would make plans as quickly as possible and move. I mean...the room-mate's father is alive and owns a large, spacious home on a vast bit of property. If the room-mate asked for his father's help I'm pretty sure his father would let the room-mate stay on his property. Why doesn't he ask for help from his father? He's a very self-destructive person, but my God! How far will someone take their bitterness about life? Will he actually allow himself to end up on the street? My fear (terror) is that the man is holding out hope that, at the last minute, I will relent and allow him to move with me. When that doesn't happen I'm afraid he will completely go off. THAT is why I don't want him here when I move. The LAST thing I want is a big, dramatic scene that will steal all of my energy and the last bit of stamina I possess.

[NWgirl2013]

Gosh Poppy,

You are a renter, right? Does your landlord know about this other person on the premises? I assume "yes", but if not, are you going to tell them that you took in an undesirable onto their property?

Are you saying that you plan to move and just leave him to figure it out that he is not moving with you, but will have to move somewhere? If he is not on the lease and has no right to be there, the owner will be the one to go the the drama of eviction, not you.

I have had a similar experience and you are right, the laws in CA favor the criminals, (the squatter in this case), not the rightful tenant/owner. Yes, it is a screwy deal to be sure.
I actually did the eviction process and offered to help our squatter on his way, but he refused. And So ... the sheriff came and carted him out bodily. He didn't have time to grab a bag let alone anything else.

In your case, this guy needs a heads up about what is happening and your fear will be helped with numbers. Call the owner, call everyone you know who would be willing to be around, bring lunch, whatever it takes to make you feel safe. I like the previous ideas about church people if you know any, college kids, etc.
If the owner could get him moved out first, that would be the best, but saving that, the guy will likely be there, so get busy arranging for reinforcements.
All the best to you and I hope the new place gives you the peace you seek.

[*Laurie*]

NWgirl2013, thank you so much for your post.

My landlord does know about my room-mate (that he lives here)...and YES he is by legal definition a trespasser/squatter...you would think the landlord would kind of look into the situation, wouldn't you? The thing is, I rent in a ghetto, so...slum-lords. Thank you for understanding that California law is extremely in favor of the criminal. It's insane, an insane, stupid law. I found out today that a "kick-out order" (which would legally get the room-mate off the premises IF I could get a judge to enforce the order) takes THIRTY days to take effect. Thanks a lot.

I feel like an absolute fool for being kind, for offering the man a place to get himself together - and for being taken advantage of so severely, with no legal help on my side....God help you in this state if you offer a friend your couch for more than 3 months, because the law essentially forces you to financially support some loser who refuses to get his act together and destroys your home. The guy has taken over my home, bullies me, and laughs about the "law being on his side".

I'm figuring that when I do move, the room-mate will remain on the premises until the landlord is able to kick him out.....which is usually three months in California. I have a spotless 30-year rental history, but it's likely that my "friend" will ruin that.

I am physically sick all of the time over this mess, I feel hopeless, terrifying despair, have increased all my meds to try to cope better...all I want to do is sleep. I just hope I find a new home this week, but I'll be very, very lucky to find a place that quickly.

[A Red Panda]

Have you spoken to the landlord about your upcoming moving day?

[*Laurie*]

No, not yet, because I don't have a day set yet. I will be spending all of Thursday home-hunting; at that point I plan on having a clearer picture of just how long it will be before I move. My lease is up on 4/15, so thank God the timing is good as far as that goes.

[A Red Panda]

I'd let him know ASAP as soon as you know your moving day. Don't you have to give at least one month's notice? A month should definitely be enough time for your landlord to be able to start intervening.

[hannabee]

ok this might sound crazy, but you are in a mess! Can you tell him that you are moving and he can move with you, but you need him to go and meet a painter because the landlord cant do it. Then you hire a local cabbie to take him to a bogus address at least an hour or so away. (you'll have to pay the cab in advance, but maybe you can find an "off duty" cab driver to do this). You give him a bogus key and tell him meet the painter and get him started.
The cab drops him off and you will have a couple of hours to get the hell out of that house!
Maybe some variation of this????

Poppy, I just wanted to give you a big hug...

You are not the first person to do someone else a favor only to have it backfire. It happens all of the time. So please don't beat yourself up over it.
I, also, have a tendency of letting my emotions think for me without going through all of the possible outcomes.

Clearly you are in a bit of a pickle, but is it possible that you have let your anxiety snowball a little? I know I do that all of the time.

I agree with the other posters that asking friends and family to be there on the day of your move is the best thing to do. They will be supportive, helpful, cheerful (when fed pizza) and will act as a buffer between you and this guy.
Just knowing that he will be at a psychological disadvantage (he is just one and you will be many) will probably comfort you a lot.

[*Laurie*]

A Red Panda, Yes...I will alert my landlord just as soon as I feel very secure about giving 30 day notice. (Actually, it can be 60 days in this state.)

hannabee, that's quite a plan...I can definitely see where you're going and it could have some merit. I do think that if I sent "friend" on a taxi ride he would be highly suspicious.

sophiesmom, thank you for your level-headed post. It makes a great deal of sense. Yes, I do feel like my anxiety is out of control...been waging a fierce battle to get more centered and I have had some luck with doing so. I'm not as sick to my stomach as I've been and I am sleeping at night instead of lying there in a dread panic. I just wish, for the guy's own well-being, he would GET OUT before he has to stand alone, facing a lot of pain and all of what will go on when I actually move out.

[connect.the.stars]

I've read this whole thread, and I love everyone's suggestions. Some really great ideas here! PC never fails to surprise me! I wish you the best of luck Poppy. I understand your situation is really straining and stressful, but I have faith you can make this move work out. Don't worry about your rental record. Just keep swimming. And please keep us posted on how things are going or if a wrench gets thrown into your plan. Strength in numbers, yea! We are here to support you, too. Go Poppy!

[*Laurie*]

connect.the.stars. thank you so much! You are a jewel. I will definitely keep folks posted on my situation. I so look forward to the day I can say I DID IT, because Lord knows if I can make it through this (and I've made it this far), others can make it through seemingly impossible times, too.
Love and brightest blessings all around~

[hvert]

What about getting a friend to take this guy out of the house for the day? A friend who can offer to give a ride to a town/event an hour away and then have car trouble?

I have moved in the middle of the night. I did not take much, but I did not have much. Where you have lived in this place for so long, the idea of getting a group together sounds very good.

Would it be possible to rent a storage unit and start moving your stuff into that piecemeal? A friend of mine just did that to get out of her place quietly.

[*Laurie*]

Thank you, hvert. Fortunately, I don't have many possessions. There won't be that much to move. I understand the idea of taking the room-mate somewhere, but really, he would be very suspicious and almost surely wouldn't go. The only possibility I can think of along such lines of thinking is if I tell this man's father what's going on and ask him to please take his son away so as to save his son the pain of the situation. The question is whether I can trust his father (I have in the past).

My husband's idea is that everyone shows up at the same time and we just move my stuff out. I won't lie - call me a fool, but I am a sensitive person and I feel sick at the thought of giving this jerk such a shock without prior notice. Yet, common sense tells me otherwise....that I have given him PLENTY of fair warning.

All in all, I wish the man's father would get involved and just come and get his son the day before I move so there doesn't have to be any horrible anything.

[A Red Panda]

Your unwanted roommate DOES know you're moving right? Just not the exact day?

You have to start somewhere and it seems to me that getting a restraining order is a good place to start. I am well aware of its weaknesses, you can't waive a piece of paper at someone attacking you. However, it will give you credibility if/when you need to call the police for assistance. Talk to an attorney and tell him your situation - see if he has any advise even if you have to pay for an hour of his time - although often attorneys initial meeting is free of charge but ask ahead. Don't cut down every option because its not guaranteed - it has a better chance of working than doing nothing. And if I were you I would have a handgun available for this nut or anyone else who might attack you whoever they are. Better to have one and not need it than need it and not have it.

One of my children has worked as best he can to deprive me of my handgun i got after a home invasion. He wasn't interested in helping me feel more safe. he was, I realize now, attempting to flex his muscle but he's not going to be a part of my life any longer and so hopefully his ability to be a 3rd hand threat to my safety is done with. DO WHAT YOU CAN. Do what you gotta do.

[*Laurie*]

Yes, he does know I'm moving.

Thank the universe he did not come home last night. I am hoping & praying that he's met some woman, since he seems to be showering and getting dressed up a lot lately, then not coming back here for many hours. Last night was the first night he was gone ALL night......what a relief to me! If I can just find a rental and get moved while he's in the throes of a new romance, wouldn't THAT be lucky?! I haven't the vaguest idea of who would put up with him, having absolutely no money, no job prospects, and so on...but I don't care. I hope he finds romance, love, whatever gets him OUT OF HERE.