Should I Be Concerned?

Maven, regardless what anyone else thinks of your relationship, are you happy with it or do you stay because you believe you can't be on your own? If you are satisfied with the relationship tain't nobody else's business how you live. If you're not happy, why not discuss the problem with your boyfriend? Nothing can change if you don't.

If it comes to you having to move out, what about planning ahead? Instead of focusing on why it wouldn't work, look for ways to make it workable.

Divine1966, the nicer places to live cost too much. Kentucky is where family is at, and I can only get along with them from a distance. My sister and her husband (especially him) would not tolerate me for long. Yes, I choose to stay where I'm at, because as bad as it is, it's still better than I would be on my own.

My sister snapped at my a few weeks ago because I asked her if she thought I could live on my own. I wasn't planning on going anywhere, but I wondered what would happen if my boyfriend died or broke up with me. She was very negative and, in a conversation on another day, she snapped at me, accusing me of planning on leaving! She told me it would be really hard for me to be on my own. Probably, but that's beside the point. I had only asked her previously if she thought I could do it, that's all. I asked others, including my boyfriend and right here on PC.

I can't live in a building owned by a church (or a school, for that matter) because of my OCD. It has nothing to do with not being religious. "Dirty" isn't the right word, so don't take it literally, because it's not about cleanliness, but touching things from a church or school, or being on property owned (or sometimes just used) by them feels like I'm getting their dirtyness on me. I would feel contaminated.

Lizardlady, this isn't the life I want. Why I stay is because my boyfriend is mostly a nice guy and does take care of me as well as he can. Financially, I'm way better off.

I have talked with him about many issues I have. I need him to do things so I can do things, but he procrastinates worse than I do. For instance, I need him to do some cleaning and trash pickup so I can put a bin in one spot to put some of the stuff on my bed into it, so I have more room on my bed to sleep and just be comfortable. I've been trying to get this done for weeks. It's work for me, too, because I've got to sort through the stuff on my bed.

The house is messy, and I feel like I can't breathe. For the record, he's contributed about as much as I have. In my case, it's mostly because of my OCD. Like, I've dropped things, then couldn't pick them up again, because the floor is dirty, but I'm better now, and this house has always been a problem because my boyfriend got scared and bought it, because his first two choices for houses for sold really quick, and he didn't want to lose it, too. The house has always been a problem for my OCD. We had more time to look. He didn't even discuss it with me. He just told me he had bought the house. I want to blather on about my misery, but I've already gone on too long. I will say, my boyfriend thinks I could learn to be on my own.

I've been doing all my posting these past few months via my phone. I bought a new computer in January, and he continually puts off the things we need to do so I can use my computer. I feel stuck. I'm also afraid that, if I fall on my own, it would give my sister and others to criticize me: "See? I told you you shouldn't have left him, and now look at you! You never listen!"

One other thing I'm considering is getting a credit card (if I can). I want to build up my credit, because I've heard it's a good idea so I may be able to buy a house of my own one day, and not have to have the full amount in cash. I'm scared of messing up, but I want better options for the future. I'm 47. How the heck can I save enough money for a house? My sister said, if I invest some of my inheritance from my mother's passing (which I only have part of, but should soon have what's left), I might be able to buy a house when I'm 80.

Oh! One more thing. Another reason I want my computer up is, it will make it easier for me to start writing, which I'm hoping will earn me some money.

Thank you for sharing. I do believe you can be on your own. I know it's tough but I believe it is doable.

Well I don't know about the house. The issue with the house for me is that things break and you will need to either fix or pay someone to fix and that is expensive. Maybe a small condo or a townhouse? I am not sure it is realistic to save that much money unless you have a very nice income. I personally will never buy a house by myself and I have a stable income, but can't save enough and have too much debt.

I am just being realistic here not trying to discourage. But you are saying even basic tasks of keeping house clean are hard and how would that be on your own? Now small place like one-two bedroom would be manageable on your own.

Investing might be an idea but I am afraid of investing. I mean I have 403b (with measly amount) but I have the kind that zero risk. My parents lost almost 100k when market crashed few years ago. Is your sister an investor? People do invest, just not me

As about bed what kind of things are on the bed? Can you get a trash bag and put stuff in the bag? Then put the bag on the floor? It might easier than dealing with bins.

Could you call or go to vocational rehab center of sorts and talk about reasonable jobs/income/housing. Just to get an idea if you can live on your own and how much you need to make to do that?

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Oh my god. I just typed a long response to your post, and accidentally hit the back button on my phone. I can't start all over right now. I'll try to do it later or tomorrow. Sorry.

Thanks. I think I can learn to live on my own, too. I'd live in an apartment if I could afford it, or a condo or townhouse, but those aren't my first choices. I'm just saying I would consider it. I don't have debt, but I'm wondering if I should get a credit card in order to build more of a credit history. I'm nervous, though, because you can easily go into debt.

Cleaning a place, I could handle if it were clean from the start and I could set things up as l wanted (and needed) to. My idea is to sparsely furnish it, so there's less cleaning but plenty of space.

Investing was my sister's idea, I think. I might have asked about it first, but I can't remember. I wondered if it was a way I could grow my money. I know nothing about it, but I figured it might be something to consider.

No, I couldn't put my stuff in garbage bags, because they could easily rip, but also because the bag would get dusty real fast. The floor needs to be cleaned up before I can put anything in that spot, anyway. I didn't really want to put things in the location, because it's right in front of dusty curtains, but I don't know where else I'd put things. Items include books, magazines, meds, diet soda, DVDs, tissues, bag for the tissues and trash (I have dry eye, so I go through a lot of tissues), and a few other things.

I think it was my pdoc who told me women's shelters might be able to help me learn how to live on my own. I'm not abused, but I figure I could ask for the information.

If you have no credit cards I am unsure you would ever get a loan for the house and I doubt you can do it without certain kind of income. You'll need to pay mortgage. No way you can ever save enough to full pay in cash. Investing could bring you money if you invest smartly but that's a risk. Talk to financial advisor? Or trustworthy family member?

Can you wash dusty curtains?

I have a wicker basket my my bed where I keep things I need when I am in bed like magazine and my kindle and tissues and extra blanket and so on. The rest is in the night stand. Can you put some of the stuff on a night stand and in some type of basket if you have one? It doesn't really get that dusty unless you keep windows open a lot

Yes having credit increases risk of debt, I do have debt and now have hard time getting out of it. It is hard without credit card though. I wish I could manage without

Women shelter is not a bad idea, I volunteer in couple of shelters and staff is great they sure might lead right direction, no you don't need to be abused

I wish you luck. Feel free to tell me to shut up about how to organize your place lol I have an obsession and preoccupation with cleaning and organizing and do it for people who don't even ask me! It is annoying.

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I have a debit card and ordered a computer on credit. As I said, I'm considering getting a credit card to build credit. I inherited some money from my mom's passing last year. It's not enough to buy a house, but it's something. I might contact a financial advisor, to see what's possible. Good idea.

The curtains wouldn't get too dusty, because besides the fact that I would dust them with a Swiffer Duster frequently. They wouldn't get too dusty for me to handle.

I don't have a night stand anymore. I have a computer table, and I don't have room for all the stuff on my bed. A basket wouldn't work, because it's not covered to protect the things inside. And, still, the floor needs to be cleaned before I can put anything on it.

Thank you for your patience. People tend to think I don't know what I'm talking about, or that I'm realistic. Nobody believed me when I said I would be able to cook and clean in our apartment, but I proved them wrong. I love organized things, but I have too much stuff in too little space. There isn't much space for organization.

Where do you live? I am coming over to help you organize . Just kidding.

You said it is OCD so I understand that something you just find difficult due to that.

Do talk to financial advisor , you never know what they might suggest. I don't know where people look for one as I have one through work as he is a rep for 403b company. I wonder if your bank can help you?

I did get confused you buying things on credit with no credit card, is that possible? , debit card is withdrawing money directly from your account and can't be used for credit .

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Yes, I could ask my bank, as well as Googling.

As for buying things on credit, a couple of years ago, I had to go to a dentist, and they tried to sign me up for CareCredit, but I wasn't accepted. They suggested we try signing up under his name with me as a joint signer. That time, we were accepted. I didn't really want to start a credit line back then; they just talked us into it so fast, all on that same day, and in just minutes. But that's how I started on credit. Last year, I signed up to Dell to buy a computer, and got accepted. This is why I think I could get a credit card, and as I said, build more credit.

When I said "his name," I meant my boyfriend's name.

Googling is not always best when figuring out finances. That's why i said your bank might help you with maybe finding advisor or some banks provide all kind of financial consultations. I would talk to a professional show your income and your savings and ask for advice .

Yes building a credit is important especially if one lives in his own. Why don't you try to apply for a card?

Not to bring doom and gloom but things happen to people. What if something happens to your boyfriend? If you don't know how to live alone it is scary. My sister in law is entirely dependent on my brother in every sense and nothing better happens to him. But at least they are married and she will get life insurance or what not. Or move in with one of their kids. As we get older kind of have to think of these things. Always have to have a back up plan.

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Yes, I want to apply for a credit card. However, I don't want anyone to know about it; I want it to be my business. But my boyfriend collects the mail, so he'd find out. Still, I'm looking at credit card sites (including my bank), trying to decide which one is best for me. And I will talk to my bank about financial advice, too.

I agree with you, always have a backup plan. That's why I'm saving a good portion of what's left of my inheritance. It won't be as much as I'd like for a backup plan (based on advice I've read and heard, it should be at least $10,000, but I don't have that), but it will buy me some time to figure out what to do if something happens to my boyfriend. He also has me in his will, but I don't expect much from that.

I worry a lot about getting older. When you're young, there's plenty of time for your dreams and plans. But if you don't initiate the actions to reach those goals, age has a way of sneaking up on you.

I worry about old age or unable to work all the time.

How about you start collecting mail? If you are home during the day then you can start doing it. Also if you start having secrets from him and you two live together for many years and he supports you, then It is kind of bad. Why can't he know? Credit card is not a big deal. Everyone in the U.S. has it.

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Maven, when hubby and I started looking around to buy a place of our own we had absolutely no credit rating. We did everything either by check or cash. We built our rating by borrowing for things we knew we could pay off. Like you are doing with the Dell computer. We didn't buy anything on credit unless we knew we had the money in savings or coming in to pay the bill. Getting a credit card and disciplining yourself about what you charge would be a good way to build your rating. On the other hand, if you don't think you can control your spending don't get the card! I refused to have a credit card with hubby because he would have charged us into the poor farm. My first credit card was in my name only. I got it at my T's urging to help make myself more independent of hubby.

Someone mentioned vocational rehabilitation. Have you contacted your state Voc Rehab to see what sort of assistance they can offer you? I think the idea of contacting your local DV group for information is also a good idea.

If you decide you want to move out and be on your own, it doesn't have to be done overnight. Start with baby steps. Can't remember if I ever said, hubby was abusive. My T used to push me to move out. It would put me in a complete panic. I was terrified to be on my own. I didn't think I could survive on my own. I started with steps like getting a credit card in my name only. Man that one scared the crap out of me! I would daydream about what it would like to be on my own. I was slowly coming around to believing I could survive on my own when hubby was killed in an accident at work. Living on my own was no longer and option. It was forced on me. Guess what? I survived. As a matter of fact I love the life I have now.

edited to add
Maven, you mentioned seeking financial advice. What about contacting AARP or a similar organization? You could even read up on their financial advice at the library. The idea of speaking to someone at your bank also makes sense.

Just a quick reply to let you know I'll respond later. Got rather busy and now I need sleep.

Why opt for snail mail statements when email is an option??...


I don't get anything via the post office. My bank statements, account statements, any kind of bill I have is received electronically.


Just an idea

To get the actual card don't you need it by mail

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*shrugs

Not where I'm from.

Darn it! I started a post, but accidentally hit the back button on my phone and lost it. Ok, in short, I talked to my sister about getting a credit card, and she didn't think it was a bad idea, so I'm less worried about telling my boyfriend. Collecting the mail is an OCD issue, but if I'm telling my boyfriend, then it's not a big deal.

I don't know what vocational rehabilitation really is. But I will look them up to see what I can find. What's a DVD group?

I thought AARP was for people 50 and over? I'm 47. Yes, I'm going to speak with someone at my bank about finances.

That is supposed to say, "What's a DV group?" not DVD. I can't find a way to edit posts when I use quick reply.

How do you get a physical plastic card? If not by mail?

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Vocational rehab are services helping finding jobs or training. Look up in your area

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You collect it at the bank, they no longer mail it, and even when they did, they would only do so at your request.

The banks prefer clients to collect now, so there's no chance of identity theft and such.

Thanks for explaining.

I talked to my boyfriend about getting a credit card, and he just told me to be careful. So, I guess I'm getting a credit card. Well, two, actually... I'll use one card 💳 to pay off the other one. 😄 J/K!

Oh I see! interesting. I think one can request it here to be picked up from somewhere as well but I never had that done.

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