Am I over-thinking this?

I’m about to go on a long, emotional, unkind rant here, so please understand . I would like to have responses to this, but please don’t feel offended by what I say. Since I’m generalizing a lot of people here, that means I’m also stereotyping many of the people reading this. I just really would like clear or understandable answers or plausible explanations for this behavior, and I don’t mean to put anyone down. It’s just that my irrational thinking is bringing me down, and I don’t feel comfortable talking about this in real life. I may be wrong about all this, too. What I’m seeing seems to be so different from my own beliefs that I find it hard to believe.

I guess I’ll start at the effects of what I’m thinking. I should let you know I’m a woman. When I go out, men mostly act overly nice to me, or ignore me entirely. Men who I continually act “cold” around become hostile over time more often than I would like. Overall, guys seem to often treat me the same, no matter who they are around. For the most part, I don’t run into a whole lot of problems with that half of humanity.

An inordinate amount of women, on the other hand… Why?? I really hope this is all in my head, but it’s so hard to disagree with my instincts and knowledge of interactions. Women often rebuff me entirely. Some women act very sweet but don’t let me interact with them socially, and sometimes seem upset at first to see me. Sometimes when some women are with their friends, they even flat-out ignore me. Some women who have been previously social with me will ignore me entirely if they’re with their friends. Also, women more often than not take a sly look at my whole self and put on a blank face and avoid me. They even seem angry at me sometimes. It makes me think I might look dangerous or creepy to these women. However, they will, 60% of the time, whip their hair if I continue to stay near them. I read their expressions and the way they do this as haughtiness. I wonder… is it the way I dress? When I grew past my teenage stage, I became less interested both in the opposite sex and my appearance. Dressing pretty at the time was a way to look more attractive. I dress drably now, because I don’t think appearance is that important. However, I know women who always dress attractively who I have respect for, and they treat me kindly… I think. I like pretty clothes too, and might wear them if I found some I liked enough. Is it the way I hold myself? Why would women treat me badly for that? I keep myself clean, so I don’t think I stink or something. I think I feel the “social exclusion” quite often said to be a bullying tactic by women, and I just keep telling myself it’s all in my head. Why would they make quick excuses and run off when people they know approach them in my presence? Plus, I often hear women talk about appearances. They talk about clothing, make-up, hair… Plus, the way they dress. How can I not think that’s important to them?

Also, I have a lot of examples of women hating me for strange, made-up reasons they came up with. I’ll list some here. One women thought I was a “wh***” and thought I came from a beauty-minded family. I had no idea how she got that idea. I felt brokenhearted that she felt that way after interacting with me, especially since I had never spoken with her about beauty things or guys. That gave her excuse to tell all her friends what an awful person I was. I once didn’t become the friend of a girl who asked me to, and thank goodness, because she began making fun of me to her friends. A woman found out my major and began nervously mentioning to her friends why she didn’t go into a similar major and began avoiding me. A woman tried to insult me in a quick comment she hoped I didn’t, or maybe did, hear. A girl in class who I never met mentioned my name in a rather bland insult and laughed. She didn’t even sit near me. Another girl called me B**** when someone she was with mentioned me in a non-aggressive way. Why? Because I act quiet, so that must mean I’m terrible? I almost always have a female (always female…) “enemy” every year. It’s usually a girl who I might have met once or twice who says bad things about me to the people to the people I have to deal with. I sometimes get the impression that they didn’t like how I didn’t immediately jump at the chance of befriending someone so superior or socially superior to me. I always thought all people were equal, at least in a sense of the worth of a life. And I have no idea what goes on when I’m not there to hear what they say, but I never care that long.

I don’t mind being appearance minded… I feel enthralled when I see a friend looking absolutely beautiful on some days, and I like pretty paintings or pictures of women, but to me, that’s the extent of it. I see no reason or worth of appearance beyond that… so I can’t see it as a judge of character, unless it shows the person is homeless, which doesn’t make me like them less. People say dressing in a certain style shows off your personality, but I still find it not very accurate in judging someone. Maybe I’m not judging right? I also wonder sometimes that maybe these women find their only worth in men and how worthwhile they are to men, which they think equates to attractiveness, because of media today and self-esteem issues. It all upsets me, though. Is human kindness and acceptance less important than social superiority, or rather, even based on it? If a mother’s group of friends say her baby is ugly, would she begin to dislike her baby, perhaps subconsciously because society would deem her as a bad mother to obviously state it to herself? Are people nice only because it’s socially acceptable by the socially superior or equal members of his or her “group” or society? For example, only doing nice things because others are watching? Take those people away and they would do whatever they wanted with no guilt? I know that isn’t true for me, so I know it can’t be for everyone.

Hmm… Are these certain women upset that I’m not trying to befriend them? I’m not sociable usually, although I try to be polite. Or are they so focused on bringing others down while putting up an “innocent” façade? Am I the only one who experiences this? Do all women experience this but don’t admit it because they don’t want to admit they do it too, except for the women blissfully unaware of this? Do men notice this? What’s up with all this? Is it my town? The random people I run into? Or just a large percentage of the population that I shouldn’t, or should, take seriously? Is it entirely my thinking of dark thoughts? Should I change the way I dress? How I act? How I’m writing here is not how I talk in real life. I talk quietly and try to be polite, sometimes overdoing it. I don’t want to be treated like this. I don’t gossip or say bad things about others, but I know that I can’t expect everyone to do the same because it’s their right, though, so I understand that. Maybe increasing my understanding can strengthen me.

I hope I’m wrong about this.

I am at a loss of things to say. One thing we must remember is that we can't read other people's minds and unless they tell you we don't know what's in their hearts. I am quiet, too, a lot of the time. I have thought many don't like me at times and wondered why. But I must remember that we need to take time to get to know individuals before we get a good idea of where they are coming from.

Well breeze how honest do you want me to be? I don't know how you act and interact in real life, but..,

You sent me a pm asking relationship advice. I wrote back with my suggestions even though I was rushing to get to work (and indicated it in my response) yet i took time and wished you good luck

It's been two weeks. I have never heard back from you neither acknowledging nor thanking

I thought perhaps you decided not to use this site anymore yet today I see you are here and asking why people might ignore you in real life.

Don't want to sound harsh but maybe if that's how you interact in real life.... Perhaps it effects how people interact with you?

Of course it is not a big deal etc and it didn't bother me but in a context of your question that pertains to interaction with others, it is kind of all connected

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi LucyD, I agree. I should realize that it’s impossible to know what others are thinking without them telling me. It’s strange that the people I know usually say I seem fine… Maybe I’m concentrating on the wrong people? Or maybe everyone does have different standards or beliefs that may cause these differences? If so, maybe we all have to avoid those who don’t accept us and hang around the ones who do.

Hi Divine1966. Thank you for being honest. Yes, I often don’t reply back only to thank someone. I’ve always thought some people don’t like it, so avoid doing so. The reason why… I worry I may be overly clingy by doing so, especially since I’m a stranger. Plus, there are so many people on this site needing help that I didn’t think a simple thank you is the norm. I was very thankful, however. So please, accept this late apology, and thank you for your advice. I did think over it, and it was very helpful. I didn’t know you would still remember it. I often send e-mails or messages to people that are complete in form and I don’t receive a reply, and I think nothing of it. Maybe I should rethink thanking people? Or is it certain people? I don’t feel “enmeshed” in the community here, I think. I've been slowly using this site offline rather than logged in, like I did before I joined. I guess I don't have much of the energy these days to reply. What is the norm for thanking people? I’ll be honest, Divine1966. The reply did upset me… but mainly because I’m a sensitive person. I can still take it though, and I’m not in a bad place myself. Just so you know, I was not ignoring you for fun or personal gain. I feel very uncomfortable with strangers, and maybe I did something wrong.

That’s something to think about. Would this mean I might ignore others, or am unthankful? To tell the truth, I kind of ignore others, as far as being quiet and not starting conversations often. I rarely ask for help or favors as well, so I usually don’t have a reason to show thankfulness. If I do, I always tell the person “thank you,” even multiple times, or find a way to show thanks. I’ve been told by people offline that I’m thankful, although I may truly have lapses in this in certain domains, such as online. I’ll think about that. Hmm… I do try to be polite. I try to open up to conversation when people talk to me, although I may act nervous. That can explain how people may act colder or rude to me over time if they were expecting me to become friends or acquaintances with them. However, I think making friends or acquaintances should be a choice, shouldn’t it? Is it a reasonable explanation for people to be upset with me?

It sounds like I'm imposing a double standard. I can be cold and aloof around others, but they can't be around me? Jeez, I need to think about that. I didn't think about that.

Besides that, however, I don't ignore others who were previously friendly with me, though, or act rude to strangers. I should ask someone I trust to watch how I behave in public sometime.

Some people who’ve known me have called me intimidating, however, so maybe I might come off as brash or aloof too much. I’ll try to keep a clear mind about this the next time I go out. When I’m around people, I mostly feel nervous.

I do have something that might be considered a problem, however. One way I coped with difficulties in my life was to make myself "guidelines" over what things to feel over certain events. It's doesn't work completely efficiently, even if it's a bad way of going about things, but for example, I'll stop myself from becoming too emotionally involved with things such as when these people out in public give me angry glances because I define the event and move on. Are they upset because they think I'm acting haughty by not acting in a normal way? I've been told I act robotically.


However, I don’t think this covers why strangers or people I’ve only gotten to know a little bit will act coldly to me, and why it's usually women. I wonder if it has to be appearance based, since that’s all they know about me at that point, or the other reasons I listed, such as my own fault in thinking.

In my experience guys and girls will do this to each other and sometimes not even intentionally. When it is intentional usually linked to jealousy. But some won't even know they're hurting you. This may sound backwards but sometimes its even b/c they're attracted to you and don't know how to comm that well. Just my 2 cents as a guy (couldn't tell you from girl's mind) (the girl's rationale ^ was told to me)

Personally I don't like to go around large groups of people. I tend to get kind of paranoid because of bad experiences I have had. I tend to go around other quiet people or different people who find it hard to make friends like I do. I think it is best to avoid those who act badly towards us.

Oh I was not upset at all and wouldn't ever mention it. It is just in a context of you asking about interaction with others it seemed relevant to me. Lack of reciprocity in interactions might be causing problems in real life.

On here on PC we would still interact no matter if others respond and how they respond because we know about whatever issues others might have (or we wouldn't be on this forum) but in real World people don't care what issues others have and expect normal reciprocation. People don't have patience in real life to deal with others.

I doubt it would be appearance. Unless you are very young? It also depends on where are these groups of women? Work? School? Social setting?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Sometimes when you're quiet and shy, people either think you don't like them, think you're better, or simply just prefer your own company.

They'll read your mind just like you read theirs.

I try to be friendly with everyone at work. When someone seems quiet, I'll still initiate conversations with them. They may even be friendly back (nearly always are) but over time I may end up not bothering because I feel like I'm just annoying them and intruding on their space if they never initiate conversations with me. I can be friendly and on good terms with someone without really interacting with them: if they seem to prefer their own company, I'm not going to drag them into a group conversation if I know they have difficulty even 1:1.

Then again, if you act cold and aloof.... well, I wouldn't bother talking to someone who was like that around me. I spend enough time putting effort into maintaining my own happy little exterior that I don't need to be around someone who is going to pull my mood down. Being cold and aloof definitely gives other people the message that you don't like them.

Anyway. Good luck! I'm sorry that it seems like all the women you spend time around are focused on appearances - I don't think I really know any women who are that focused on it. Then again, I live in a small isolated community so perhaps that is why.

I think only very young folks worry about appearances. I live in a large cosmopolitan metro area and women wouldn't shun other women because of looks.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hmm, there's a lot to think about here. Thank you for all your responses. I agree keyslost. I'm not sure they do this intentionally, and when they do, it's rather obvious. As for those who bullied me, I wouldn't want to hang around them anyway. Plus, any friends who partake in bullying are also people I'd avoid.

I feel the same way, LucyD. I can get too nervous around big groups, and I do avoid them as well. I think it's worked out for me until I can no longer feel so nervous.

Thank you Divine1966. I agree, and I like coming here for help. Especially since people offline often may not understand or will feel too embarrassed to help. The women I run into like this is in social and school settings. I'm also early twenties, so maybe that might mean something?

That makes a lot of sense, A Red Panda. It'd make sense that they're thinking about my thoughts just as I am theirs. I'll take your advice on friendliness. I actually find coworkers to usually be more open to me too, and maybe it's because we already have our jobs in common. It makes me sad because I've been more distant from my coworkers lately, although I've been making sure to greet them and smile. I think they do enjoy talking to me. I agree with avoiding those who are cold and aloof, although I sometimes don't and have gotten emotionally hurt by them. Sometimes they turn out to be like me and are putting up a front because of shyness, and do like talking. However, my aloofness is so I can avoid getting hurt, but in the end, it seems to be pushing others away? Plus, some people who I was previously friendly with will be cold to me after a time, and I usually can't see why, other than they don't like me. It's just that so many do this that I wonder if it's normal to be this disliked, or maybe it's lack of reciprocation on my part, like Divine1966 said. I just don't have the energy to always be talkative to others. Plus, I often become distant because I'm scared of trying to befriend others. Also, some people I don't want to befriend. Maybe I'm focusing too much on those who become impolite, and not enough on those who still remain polite? It may be the people I'm around, actually. I know that sometimes, I'll be around a group of people who are so cheery that they treat me completely different.

I'll have to be less cold then if I want to seem friendly. Although, now that I think about it, some people say I appear shy while others have said I appear distant. I guess the way I act changes on the situation as well. About appearances, well, I also live in a small community, but it's a strange mix of people here from different locations. I think it's made some of the people here want to appear rich. So, maybe when I move, I won't have to worry about it as much. Plus, it might be something different after all. Maybe women expect me to be friendlier to them because I'm the same gender as them, which is understandable.

I think I'm getting closer to my answer, which isn't a direct one but more of a general one. I agree that I can't judge people unless they say what's bothering them, but I can't ignore when a certain group treats me a certain way. I also need to ask myself why they could be treating me a certain way without being biased. I think it's mostly me, because I honestly feel depressed and nervous in public, and those around me want to avoid that if I show it. I feel that in asking this question, I knew it was setting me up to probably get hurt, but I needed to ask it in order to change. Otherwise, I'd just keep thinking it. Thank you all again.

I think the shy vs. distant is a good thing to look at further. They are very close to each other, and while they both create barriers to getting to know someone, shy people can still seem approachable and friendly and open to being communicted with, whereas distant seems more unwilling to engage with others and not necessarily pleasant.

The whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing is a right PITA. But if you keep people at a distance, they'll always remain distant, and then when you want to decrease the distance you'll find that they are not willing to.

I really agree. It's so much harder to get closer to people once they've already been at a distance. I think I need to get over the scariness of becoming closer to people.

I still feel upset when people feel they have the right to bully me because I act distant. I sometimes wonder, "Why are they concentrating on me so much?" but I feel a little paranoid sometimes. I think it's because some people like to bully, and see me as an easy target. I don't give the impression of someone with a high self-esteem. I see people who act distant with me a lot, and I do feel upset when I see that they are usually very friendly people with others, but I would think they can see I don't have many friends and treat everyone the same for the most part. Then again, it's really hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Maybe they are thinking of themselves and what they'd be feeling if they were acting like me.

I use "distant" to mean they don't have much to say and seem to be in their own little world. I use "cold" to mean they are rude and short with others, but not necessarily distant. I'm not saying those are the real meanings of the worlds, but I bring them up to put in context my own meanings.

So I realize that when women act distant with me, I shouldn't feel upset unless they are being rude. Even then I shouldn't feel upset, but recognize their feelings and move on.

Sorry, venting a bit more . Makes me feel better, though.