[archimeda]

I will try to make it as short as possible, because it is really important to me to get as many advises as possible. I am very depressed and in a great pain, and I don't know what to do next.

I met a guy about a year ago (March 2014). We began working together in a project which I manage (I am the head of the group, it is an art project).
I started to have feelings for him at the beginning, and we had great chemistry while we were working together, but every time I tried to suggest for us to meet outside of work, in a very gentle and friendly way, he refused. I didn't understand why, and so after about 7 months I found out that he is gay.

It was a relief for me in a way, knowing that the rejection is not personal... and so, we became closer in time, going together to events, dinners at each other's house etc... and then spending nights watching movies together and so on. Our friendship was really close during February and March.

On February he had to go abroad for a course. We texted a little and kept in touch while he was there, and at the day that he got back he called me and asked me to meet up. so we did, and we spent all night together again, talking and watching a movie. During the movie he put his head on my shoulder, which felt great, but then he all of a sudden moved like he got scared... sitting a little more away, later I put my head on his shoulder... and as the movie ended he jumped and left pretty fast...

I then started to think that he might be confused about me, and maybe frightened? all those old feelings started coming back to me and I felt in love, and that there's might be a chance? and yet, I got scared that he might pull away now...

So at the following week I texted him like 2-3 times, and he barely answered... eventually at the end of that week there was a carnival, and I called to see if he wants to meet up. he was very cold and impatient over the phone, but then, as he heard that I got offended by his tone, he called me back, and then asked me to come to where he intended to be. I came, but left pretty fast as I felt unwanted there... he then came after me, and we ended up spending the next 24 hours together.

I must say that from then on, every time we met, there was bigger amount of touch, always initiated by him - holding hands, hugging and so on... it didn't get to any romantic level, but it kept my hope burning that maybe somehow he is not really gay... (I also learned that he never had a partner and hardly any experience with men, which kept me hoping even harder...).

During the following week we met a few times, and then I felt some anger coming from him... I initiated all of these meetings. The last one was for work, and he was really upset that even other people noticed and asked what's going on...

somehow we got passed that, and the next week, after a work meeting, he asked me to come over to his place, didn't want me to leave until 3:00 pm, hugging me, covering me as I was cold... making me soup and tea... it was a perfect night.

Then he disappeared again for a week. I tried to give some space and didn't contact him as well. At the end of the week there was a party that he was working in, which a while before we talked about me coming there, but he didn't call or say anything. I came with another friend. he was polite but cold again, and I left pretty fast.

The next week I invited him over my place for dinner and some completion of a previous project we had to make. he came and stayed till around 2 pm. We did little work, and mostly gave massages to each other (just that, with clothes on) on my bed.

Before he left, I told him that I need to talk to him about something, he got REALLY scared just by me saying that.... so I told him to relax and that it's not such a drama... and then we went outside and I said that he means a lot to me, that I would marry him if he wasn't gay (had to drop a little hint... )
but that it bothers me that every time after we have a great time together I suddenly feel like he is cold and away... and I don't know why and how to handle that...
My hope for empathy was lost pretty fast... as he began 'attacking' me that I have a problem and it is all in my head and so on... (though he did mention being mad about a few little things that I had no idea that they had any meaning at all). We did drink a bottle of wine earlier, so we were quite drunk, and the conversation went to some weird directions like me telling him that I am not always feeling wanted and that I am insecure (generally in life), and him telling me that I am really screwed up...
somehow it ended with a big hug, and then he left.

that was at the end of March (25th). I haven't heard from him for 2 weeks then, until I wrote him a FB message that everything is fine and I have overcome those hard feelings, and that he is really important to me and I wouldn't want to lose him.... he answered the day after that I shouldn't worry, we are good friends, and the conversation was a good thing for our relationship in his opinion, and that he will love to meet me soon. we continued chatting a little until he stopped replying.

A few days later I was around his neighborhood. I texted him that I am there and I can come visit if he is not busy. it was whatsapp so I could see that he read the message, but didn't answer at all. The day after, I tried to call him, he said that he will call me back and never did.
I then (2 days later) wrote him a message saying that "you said we were good friends and that you want to meet me... what has changed? if you are busy just say so, it is ok". he replied that he is indeed busy, and that he just "didn't see" the message, was to tired to call and there's no problem.

After that I thought that maybe I scared him too much with my feelings... that though they were unsaid, he has probably felt them... so I came up with another stupid idea- and I wrote him that one of the reasons I wanted to talk to him was to set him up with another gay friend of mine... I thought that by that it can at least end this unspoken tension that maybe was really all in my head, fix the problem and set me free... He then replied shortly showing some interest, asking who is the guy etc, and then after I wrote him back that he is a great guy and a good friend, he didn't answer and disappeared again.

Now, I really have no idea what is going through his mind. maybe he thinks that I am a psycho that imagines things... I don't know what to think, and how could he not care about me at all this way, after spending all this time with me. During the last month, since that conversation he didn't initiate any communication with me. just answered partly as I wrote. in time he even stopped liking my FB posts (he used to 'like' everything I post), even those that are related to our project.

I spent most of this month, since he was here, crying, sleeping, feeling ashamed and guilty for scaring off the person that I wanted so much to be close to... I miss him so much, and I have depression attacks in which I can cry for hours, google possible topics to find similar problems and therefore - solutions, and I just don't know what to do. It is all I can think of most of the time... I am in a loop of how I destroyed everything, how can I fix it, and how can he just don't care like that??

It was easier if I didn't have to see him again ever, but next month we are back to work on our project, and I have no idea how I can face him like nothing is wrong, after having so much pain because of what happened. I am afraid to start crying, to become even more clingy than before, or to express anger in some way. It is not healthy, not to mention that it can severely damage my work.

I really need some advises. please, anything...

Thank you.

[archimeda]

BTW, we are both around our 30's. He is a little younger than me.

archimeda, I have read your entire post. I understand how you are feeling... One possibility for why he has been acting the way he has is that he has realized you have been developing feelings for him and he wants to give you space so that you can get over him completely and move on. This would explain how he is anxious to be around you, especially during times like movie watching, etc. where you could potentially get a little physical. He may want to make it clear that he is simply not interested. My suggestion is to initiate a serious conversation with him so that you know for a fact exactly how he feels about you and whether he is or isn't interested in a relationship with you. If he isn't, it is your duty as his friend to back off. Otherwise, you risk continuing to be depressed over this issue and to miss out on a potentially great friendship with him.

[archimeda]

Thank you dear friend - NewLyfeForReal
I appreciate that you took the time to read my long post and write a comment.

Actually, I am sitting right now and writing him a letter. A confession letter which is, at last, the truth, explaining everything about why I behaved the way I did because of my feelings for him.

I know that a letter (which I will eventually send him by email) is not the ideal way, but at this point he won't really talk to me, and I admit that I am also terrified of the thought of a face to face conversation, as I might start crying in my current situation, and I wouldn't like for him to see how totally broken I am right now.

I do have a problem in my life about expressing my feelings. Even though I am an artist, and a very warm person, at the moment that I have to expose myself a little more - I run away and hide, and maybe it's time to put an end to this, and learn how to be honest about my feelings, starting with the most difficult case in my life right now, which is him.

I did grow up in a house where my feelings sometimes didn't count, or I was taught to hide them, that as a female, it is not my job to initiate relationships etc. but I know that deep inside it was never right for me.

I really hope that we will both be capable of dealing with that emotions, and that it won't hurt our work, but I know I can only control my own reaction, and can't be responsible for his.

As I wrote him at the letter - I wish that someday we can be good friends again, and laugh openly about it together.

I hope to have a real courage to send this letter soon.
Wish me luck! and thank you again.

[Keyslost]

Almost sounds like you fell for him hoping he wasn't gay. By the sounds of it he just wanted to make clear that he is but also wants to be a great friend. Feel free to try the talking thing if it doesn't work I have an outline for backup. Here's what you do (hopefully it works) think of all the things he did that were so great. Then imagine spending the rest of your life with someone like that buuuut who is straight. Now chances are there will be someone who fits that. Just keep that in mind when you're at work. Since you fell for a personality (from what I gathered) there's bound to be someone like that who is available. Now when you find yourself struggling to let go of this guy you mentioned just remember in your head that the person you're really falling for is out there. You just have to bump into him (does this all make sense? it can be confusing.) What I'm saying is you don't have to be sad b/c this guy isn't it. You know what you want now it's just a waiting game for the right one

[divine1966]

If he is gay then really I would give all hope. And now when you have romantic feelings for him he might be uncomfortable being friends. He respects as a friend but he probably isn't sure what to do with the fact you have feelings.

There is someone out there for you. You will meet him one day just give it time

If he is in his 30s he knows is he is gay or not

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by archimeda

Thank you dear friend - NewLyfeForReal
I appreciate that you took the time to read my long post and write a comment.

Actually, I am sitting right now and writing him a letter. A confession letter which is, at last, the truth, explaining everything about why I behaved the way I did because of my feelings for him.

I know that a letter (which I will eventually send him by email) is not the ideal way, but at this point he won't really talk to me, and I admit that I am also terrified of the thought of a face to face conversation, as I might start crying in my current situation, and I wouldn't like for him to see how totally broken I am right now.

I do have a problem in my life about expressing my feelings. Even though I am an artist, and a very warm person, at the moment that I have to expose myself a little more - I run away and hide, and maybe it's time to put an end to this, and learn how to be honest about my feelings, starting with the most difficult case in my life right now, which is him.

I did grow up in a house where my feelings sometimes didn't count, or I was taught to hide them, that as a female, it is not my job to initiate relationships etc. but I know that deep inside it was never right for me.

I really hope that we will both be capable of dealing with that emotions, and that it won't hurt our work, but I know I can only control my own reaction, and can't be responsible for his.

As I wrote him at the letter - I wish that someday we can be good friends again, and laugh openly about it together.

I hope to have a real courage to send this letter soon.
Wish me luck! and thank you again.

archimeda, you are very welcome, I hope what I have written has helped. I think what you are doing by writing him a letter and sending it to him is a smart thing. When I have had troubles in my relationship in the past and I felt that I might not be able to say it all in person without breaking down - but really did want to get all my points across - I have also used the method of writing a letter and having my partner read it, and it has worked well for me. Seeing all the points layed out on letter and having the time to read in depth will allow him to reflect. I hope it will go well for you. If he cares about your friendship he will respond positively. If he doesn't, then you just move on with your life - as simple as that. As for finding the right guy for you to be in a relationship with, as was mentioned in posts above: give it some time and you will meet him Trust in yourself.

[archimeda]

Thank you very much again, dear friends.

I want to clarify a few things:

I did not know that he was gay when I started developing these feelings for him a year ago. There is nothing about him that gives away that fact, and he took his time to tell me (I don't judge, can't imagine how hard it may be dealing with this issue).

Since the last time he was here, all of our communication was initiated by me, he replied only once or twice each time and then disappeared again, always saying that everything's OK. last time (when I told him about setting him up with my friend) he even wrote that we really should meet soon, but stopped replying and didn't write me back ever since (it was exactly a week ago). And he is on FB a lot, it's not like he's not online and too busy to write me back.

I can't get him off my mind, as hard as I try (and I am trying). I know that we will see each other again in a month for work, and things will be awkward... I will not be able to pretend that everything is cool and as usual.

I never told him directly how I feel, though I believe he knew. I want to send this letter so much, but I am afraid of the consequences... what if he then leave our project? I am taking my time to decide for now. I did write it very honestly, explaining my behavior in a clear and simple way.

I am afraid that he might not be the type of person that can handle feelings well... if he is avoiding me now - what will happen after the truth will be out there completely?

He is 29, and has never been in a relationship with either men or women. There is something unclear about it there that I am not really sure of.

More than anything, the thing that is killing me that most is the feelings of shame and guilt that I can't overcome, that I destroyed this friendship with my pressure, instead of just letting it be.

But maybe it had no chance in advance, as long as I have romantic feelings for him.

[divine1966]

If you have romantic feelings for the person typically friendship will be too awkward. Don't feel guilty you can't control the feelings.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

archimeda, I agree with divine1966: it could potentially be awkward to have a friendship with him until you are completely over any romantic feelings. See how you feel about this but don't put yourself down by feeling guilty if this is the way you feel.

[archimeda]

Thank you all once again. You are really great people and I feel better just by the fact that you care enough to read and try to help.

I am feeling down again tonight. I miss him a lot, and it is like a locked door that I can't find the key to, no matter how hard I try

I feel like I am walking around begging for a second chance, and for what? what was my big 'crime'? expressing my feelings? Some moments I feel great anger towards him, because what kind of a friends shuts you out for expressing your feelings? and then I feel compassion for him, because he must be very miserable if he can't deal with feelings, even on that level... and thinking of that make me realize that sending the letter that exposes everything that I am feeling for him, will scare him away forever in every way...

I am driving myself crazy, and I feel like I need to solve this situation or I can't find peace. None of my options are good enough... I would try to talk to him again, asking for a chance to explain, but he says that nothing is wrong, so he is actually leaving me no option about that... to write him again and suggest for us to meet like nothing's wrong? most of the chances are that he will make an excuse, or not answer again, making me feel like I'm nagging and can't take a hint... should I wait to see him at work next month? I am in great anxiety thinking of having to work with him and the other members of the group, pretending that nothing is wrong. I can never pull it off.

I just don't know what to do anymore