Husband wants me to make more decisions, but this crap always follows!

The pattern with your mother controlling your actions has continued into your marriage. I thiink you know that but I really hope you find your independence and your own "voice" whether it be on your own or in the marriage, I know for a fact you'll be 100x happier. the hard part is to break your habitual thinking patterns and behaviors of going along with others. It's not a bad trait to be one that goes with the flow. In it's good form, you're the type of person that is easier to get along with and kind of works well with many types of people but as it's weakness, it can turn into being a person that has no "voice" and one that never gets what he/she wants, and tends to get walked all over. I would say that you dont' want to lose your ability to be flexible with others but learn to assert yourself, acknowledge and vocalize your own needs and be able to stand firm in those things. I hate to use the phrase "push back" but it's really pretty accurate. In the situation you are in though, you don't push at all, only back up more and more. your relationship could absolutely use a bit of pushing back right about now.

I do think therapy for you (and him if he's willing) would be great but if you're already in therapy, I honestly think that maybe bringing up this subject that I've mentioned and how to deal with it would be helpful

I whole heartedly agree with the other posters... It's long overdue that you locate your backbone and learn how to use it.


If its too scary to attempt on your own (which it sounds like) then therapy might help you out, or self-help books.


One things for sure though, you deserve better, you just have to learn that its ok to choose better.

I would get into counseling for YOURSELF. He is obviously on some kind of power/control trip. you aren't his keeper or babysitter, and unless he recognizes that his behavior is a problem you will live like this for he rest of your life.

I got out of an abusive 31 year marriage. We ALL have a backbone; it is just deciding to use it. If you are willing to put up with this dysfunctional marriage, you will be miserable and HE will be happy. After all, he thinks it is great. Who woudn't....no responsibilities...which is usually what a child has.

The question is, what are you getting out of this? It must be something or you would want to leave....I know that is difficult...I went back and forth (reading/therapy) before I was able to leave. "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.....win." That was helpful to me. In other words, you will be a "doormat" until you decide that it isn't working for you anymore.

Boundaries...an excellent book...by Townsend and Cloud.......I highly recommend it...bigtime.

You don't have a husband.....you have a child.

Well, it sure doesn't sound like you are dependent on others in a material sense. You sound like a person who would be plenty able to live on your own and pay the household bills. So you stayed with your mom because she didn't want you to leave. You stayed, even though she wasn't that nice of a person to live with. You stayed as a "gift" to her. Your relationship with your husband certainly seems to be patterned on what you worked out with your mother . . . putting the other person's satisfaction ahead of your own.

I don't have a lot of insight into how a person gets into that mindset. I've tended to give a lot of priority to doing what I want to do. (Not that my life hasn't had plenty of dysfunction and me being self-defeating in my own behavior.) Do you, yourself, have any thoughts about why you married someone who treats you like your mother did? When you and your husband were dating, did it seem that life with him would turn out better than it has? I doubt if you got married expecting things to be like this. What were your hopes?

a4ndm4n2006 i agree with

I agree with the above posters so I won't repeat their words. I am wondering if he is actually employed ... it's possible that he "pretends" to go to work (which isn't often, as you posted). Your finances are separate and that's a good thing...keep it that way. I just wonder if you ever see a paycheck stub or a direct deposit from his employer. Additionally, perhaps he has relapsed?

Thinking of you

Oh no he is definitely still employed. I know his password to his work website where it shows his clock in/clock out times to the second and where it shows his paychecks. I can see that the days he doesn't go in it shows as "Without Pay". That is how I know whether he has gone to work before I get home because he is supposed to start at 2PM and if I log on after 2 and see that he has clocked in, then I relax. If not, then I just get angry. He doesn't know I check this website. He gave me his password more than once to check on some benefits stuff but apparently he doesn't realize that I can navigate around the rest of the site to check up on him. I can't tell you how many times, when he worked 1st shift, that he'd leave the house for a few hours like he was going to work but just go have breakfast somewhere and then just come home after I left for work and act like he was at work all day. He had no clue I was looking online and that I knew he lied to me over and over, yet I never told him I knew this. He even admitted to me and the counselor in rehab that he did this very thing. I acted surprised, but I had known all along.

He also gave me his passwords to his bank acct and credit cards and there is nothing on there that shows him going anywhere and buying liquor or stopping at a bar.

He told me yesterday he's just bummed out about this because everything was going so well and now this whole possible firing situation is going on over something he claims isn't his fault. So of course this is the reason why he hasn't been to work in a week. What I am having a REALLY hard time understanding is that he isn't fired yet so he can still work until a decision is made? He has not been clear to me about that. Because I know he made an appt to go see his doctor for some made up reason so he can get a note for being out all week but with all this other crap going on why is he even chancing not going in? He had told me that yesterday was the last day to get things in. I thought that meant it was the last day for him to write this letter but he tells me that he can write the letter anytime, it was the last day for them to decide to excuse or not excuse him. Wait, what?? So no decision has been made? You told me that there was no way they were going to excuse you. Yet now you aren't going to work because you are waiting on them for an answer but you have to write this letter? I am SO confused and if I ask him anything about it he just gets agitated that he has to keep explaining it to me. Won't they kind of put all of this together? I mean he is trying to prove to them that he had this reason for being out and is writing this letter to the upper management, yet he takes another full week off for no reason and now has to find a way to cover that?

The whole situation makes my head spin! If he does manage to finagle a way out of this and keep his job, he had better not EVER pull this crap again!

you shouldn't have to put up with this c### again!!

The relationship you have is one of parent/ child, not of equals. Him wanting you to make most, if not all, the decisions is proof of that. Classic passive / aggressive. You decide so i can be both irresponsible and critical.

Why does he behave this way? Because you allow it.

The question should be why do you allow him to do this? You wouldn't be playing your part unless you were getting a pay off. What are you getting out of this?

Whether he goes to meeting or calls his sponsor is irrelevant. His drinking is his problem. You are powerless over him and his behaviour. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life being the "warden" and keeping him in check, you have to let go.

Find an Al-Anon meeting and go. At least go online and read the literature.

Alcohol may be his drink. But i fear he has become your drink.

He doesnt give allow you to make a decision because when you do he changes it. So why bother doing it your way?
Where does he work and why doesnt he have any money?