[Princess_ari]

Okay. So, I suffer from moderate-severe social phobia, depression, panic disorder and ADD.
My partner suffers from depression with schizoaffective disorder, PTSD, social anxiety, and possibly BPD. The difference between us is I'm independently treating myself to the best of my ability (along with supportive psychiatric help), and he is sitting around waiting for SSI. He doesn't want to improve. He wants his SSI money. I know I shouldn't say "sitting around" because he is too disabled to work (at a gas station).

We have been together for 4 years. The issue I'm having right now is I am trying my hardest to be happy, but he's doing his best to stay down and depressed. I'm an Empath and I'm connected to him. So when he tells me everything is fine, I can see and feel that he is lying to me.

Something happened that pretty much.. it ruined any sex drive I had. I've been sexually abused before and I'm trying to make peace with that. A couple of years ago, we were both arguing for about 5 hours. He told me he has some sort of alter in him that turns him into a hostile psychopath. Me, not knowing the consequences, asked to see that side out of pure curiosity.

Possible trigger:

He threw me around, verbally abused me, and had sex with me without my consent.

The morning after all of this happened, I told him what he did to me and he started crying and said "that wasn't me. that was my alter".

Since this happened, we haven't been intimate for over a year. And he knows that is why. We had a long talk the other day about this and he just kept throwing out other sexual options besides penetration. Every week he complains about how he's "backed up", I know men get like that. The bottom line is, I can't have sex with him again without thinking about what happened. I've told him that SO many times. I have even offered to bring another woman into the relationship to satisfy his other needs. I've suggested everything. I've come to realize he is never going to stop asking me to have intimacy with him.

His disorders are a huge impact. I knew about them from the start, but I see the good in people. I cared for him. I felt how sad he was. However, now, we can be having a petty argument and one of us will spiral into severe panic attacks. I don't think I can handle the stress anymore and I know that he can't.

He tried to work at a gas station, but he couldn't handle the pressure of it. He was having hallucinations behind the cashier counter. I gave him a lot of sympathy once he was terminated, but he didn't try to get another job maybe in a back room, stocking items, anything. Stuff that involves little pressure. Instead, he decided to apply for SSI 3 years ago and they haven't told him anything. He is SO dependent on that SSI money. When I say I want to leave, he brings it up. I personally just don't want government assistance for mental health. And I think it is disgusting that he is relying on that money to buy frivolous things along with therapy.

Now. I've TRIED so hard to leave. This is what happens (I've been through this exact scenario over 100 times): First, he tells me he's going to end his life if I leave him because he has "no reason to live" without me. He explained that he based his entire future around me. I've gotten him to calm down a few times, but once he was calm and was okay with breaking up, I get verbally assaulted. Now, as a side note, I have been verbally and physically abused by a lot of people that were in my life. So it is a huge trigger for me.

The verbal assault includes: You never loved me, you want me to die, you hate me, you're an evil b-word, you're just like every other girl, I hate you, look what you're doing to me, how could you do this to me, what did I do, etc. I try so hard to explain it to him and he goes back to "That wasn't me. I was out of control. It was my alter".

I've called the police on him twice to have him baker acted for threatening suicide. He took the phone from me once when I called 911 and called me his psycho ex girlfriend trying to get rid of him. He still got baker acted. When he got back home he said "That wasn't me saying that. That was my alter". I'm starting to feel like his being alive is my responsibility and I have to stay with him or he will end his life. This is preventing me from moving on into a healthy relationship.

We have even broken up before on "good terms", I stupidly thought. I tried to be his friend, but everyday he was mopey, very depressed, dramatic, blaming me and himself for everything, begging to have me back, etc. If I don't take him back I get verbally assaulted with the same words. The words have a serious effect on me. I usually go into a panic attack for hours when he calls me names and says those things. I got back with him because I wanted him to stop hurting me.

I need to break up with him. I need to work on myself. I can't help him. I've suggested everything and he just says "waiting for my SSI money". A couple of days ago I told him I don't know how long we were going to last and then he freaked out, started yelling at me, etc. Again, "it was my alter".

How do I get out of this relationship without feeling responsible for what he does? The cops

Possible trigger:

beat

him every time so I stopped calling the police on him. His grandmother is trying to send him to a mental institution by purposefully antagonizing him, too. So he is going through hell and I care deeply for him. I don't want to hurt him, but I need to get out of this relationship. I'm 24 and I can't even do school work or go to work without him arguing with me. It's really stressing me out and having a massive effect on my productivity and love for life.

I just want to safely get out of this without hurting anyone.. Is there a way to do that? Has anyone else been through something similar. Thank you all for the advice. I appreciate it very much.

[healingme4me]

Can you contact your local women's shelter?

[Bill3]

What he does after you break up with him is his business and it is not your responsibility. If he threatens suicide, call the police.

Please read up on emotional blackmail:

Out of the FOG - Emotional Blackmail

I just want to safely get out of this without hurting anyone.. Is there a way to do that?

Yes. Leave and don't hurt anyone on the way out. If he chooses to hurt himself, that is not your fault.

He will control you for the rest of your life if you allow him to use emotional blackmail on you.

You asked about others with this experience:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...ght-thing.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...-confused.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...-part-two.html

[ChipperMonkey]

I'm so glad I read to the end of your post to see that you're attempting to get out. Please remember that you're not responsible for his happiness.

I'm not sure if this was a generalization on your part, but when you apply for SSDI or SSI, you don't just "hear nothing" for 3 years. I am hoping you mean that he hasn't heard a decision.....that is, when they're in the process of making a decision, you're contacted periodically for more information, etc. If he's claiming to have heard "nothing" in 3 years, he's either lying (perhaps because he doesn't want to accept that he was rejected and doesn't want to go to work?) or that his paperwork was lost in the system, by mistake.

[hvert]

Have you considered making an exit plan you can act on without warning him? If you live together, you could start moving your stuff slowly to another location and then have friends come in to help you move the rest of it while another friend makes sure he stays out of the house for the day.

It may not be ideal, but it also may be the only way you can escape this unhealthy situation. It sounds like this situation is not doing either of you any good. Ending is going to be painful no matter how you do it, but if you can rip the band aid off at once instead of taking it off a little bit at a time (by trying to break up and then going back after the verbal assault), it may be easier to deal with.