[Emmi7]

Hi guys. Wasn't sure if I should post this in this section or the self-esteem section because I'm worried this problem is just my fault because of my low self-esteem but here I go.

Basically I'm in this wonderful relatively new relationship (6 months) and I’ve never been happier OR healthier. But we’re having a bit of tension lately because he felt he couldn’t talk to me about his feelings and problems because I had so much going on (read: I have anxiety and depression etc, usual fun can of worms). I assured him that he can always talk to me, that I always want to be his support and help him, and that I had no idea he felt that way. He was happy and we felt better. But I still feel like he’s currently enjoying hanging out with his family more than with me.

I’m wondering if this is just my self-esteem being sensitive though, because right now I don’t have a job or any friends, due to big disasters with my illnesses in the last year. Am I paranoid, clingy, needy, codependent? I’m terrified I’m going to drive him away and ruin this relationship and lose him, and that’s the last thing I want. I love him so much and I want to do whatever it takes to make both of us happy in a healthy way that helps both of us learn and grow together.

Please help, any suggestions or insights would be great and very encouraging/comforting! Thanks!!

[Emmi7]

Not to confirm my own fear, but I am pretty lonely and anxious about this, so any help would be really appreciated... thanks everyone.

[Bill3]

What struck me about your post was the wide concept of openness and support that you seem to be offering him. On the one hand, obviously openness and support is really important in a relationship. On the other hand, though, there is the competing thought that a lover cannot be a therapist. There may come a point, or maybe it has already come, where it would be better for you, him, and the relationship that he speak to a therapist, rather than you, about what is on his mind.

Do you see a therapist?

[ChipperMonkey]

I think that since your boyfriend is a huge part of your support network, that this puts a huge amount of stress on him and your relationship. Can you try to branch out and make new friends? Get involved in outside activities? Volunteer or work? If you become more self sufficient and build a greater support network, your boyfriend may eventually start coming to you with his problems rather than solely being a support to you.

[Emmi7]

Bill3 - yeah that's really true, I totally agree... I guess it is a pretty broad concept of support. I have gone to a therapist for years but currently I can't afford one. My boyfriend just finished going to a therapist for a while and it really helped him, he says he doesn't need it anymore. That's the exact distinction I'm concerned about... am I unwittingly expecting him to be my therapist? I'm trying to find a way of measurement, a point of reference, to know if what I'm wanting is reasonable or not.

[Emmi7]

ChipperMonkey - again I totally agree, and I'm really embarrassed about that - not only do I want to expand my social support network (mutually too, not just for my benefit) but I've even told my boyfriend how badly I want to make new friends and be busier with my own things. I've messaged old friends but I think those are over... which I feel ashamed about, like I failed and was a bad friend or am too difficult or selfish maybe. I'm trying to seriously figure out how to make new friends, in hopes of finding people who are more compatible with me as friends, and for me to try to be a better friend now... once you're done school though it feels way harder to make friends. Does volunteering and activity stuff really work for meeting friends?

[Emmi7]

So basically, yes it is a goal for me to see a therapist again once I have the funds for it, it definitely helps me as an outlet. And I definitely want healthy boundaries with my boyfriend. As for my social circle, as I said my former friends have no interest in me which is more hurtful than I ever really understood it could be, and as a result I'm worried no new people would want to be my friend because I seem to be... "too much"? I'm confused and I'm trying really hard. My illness has gotten in the way of so many things, I'm trying to be self-employed right now so unfortunately that's one less place for me to meet new people. I'm trying to come up with an action plan that fixes this for me and him and us.

[Bill3]

You might want to consider calling listening hotlines (some are online) if you are unable to see a therapist. These lines typically have trained volunteer listeners and will listen about anything. For example, here is a link about listening services in Quebec:

Listening Services - AMI-Quebec

This one is in Alberta:

Online Help - Need Help? - Distress Centre

[Emmi7]

Thank you so much Bill3!! That's really helpful and something I can use right away. I appreciate it!

[Bill3]

You're welcome!