[oceansoftime]

I really do!!

We've been together almost 20 years and I can't stand him.

We have 4 children. Two are mine from a previous relationship and twins are ours. The 2 older left right when they where 16, they were sick of him yelling and picking on them.

The twins are starting to get defiant and talk back to him because they are sick of him yelling and swearing all the time.

He has never ever spent any one on one time with the girls. Everyday I spend at least an hour or two with them.

He wakes up in the morning and wants the world to cater to him. He is never wrong about anything. If he doesn't like something that you do, he will put down or tease.

Oh and btw he doesn't work. He has worked 3 yrs out of 20. He claims he gets migraine headaches and he has gluecoma. He has been denied benefits and now is waiting for a hearing in July. He thinks he is going to get a huge payday and then monthly benefits. We live on 1200 (before rent and bills) a month and I work full time.

I'm so tired after a 10 hr shift and he is lying on the bed shoving chips down his throat! He will not do any chores. My house looks like a scene from Horders and he can't get off his lazy *** after playing XBox for 8 hours. I don't think I'm asking too much to keep the house tidy if I'm working full time.

He comes from a hard working middle class family and no one has ever told him to grow up and support his family.

He is always angry!! And every second word is "****" now one of the twins is swearing and I plead with her to stop and she says why should I, you can't get dad to stop. And they won't tidy up either because dad doesn't.

I suffer from really bad depression and I had a therapist call me to do a pre appointment and he stood outside the door and listened. She asked me a question about him and I answered truthfully and when I was done he started to yell and scream at me. I never went to therapy.

A couple of years ago I told him I wanted to end it. He called his mom and she started to yell at him that I was just "fussing" and if he was leaving that he should turn off the utilities that are in his name.

He has never shown me love and kindness. He hasn't said he loves me or kiss me in 5+ yrs. When he wants sex, he starts to talk dirty to me, several times a day until I give in. Or he will hug me and shove his hand down my pants. UGH!

I don't know if he has physically cheated on me but I've read many texts between him and another woman. He texts her every morning and says "good morning beautiful". Last Mother's Day he told her " Happy Mother's Day to the sexiest mom I know". Gee, thanks asshole!!!

Now do you see why I hate him?!

[divine1966]

One can work with gluocoma you just need special eye drops, everyone in my family gets gluocoma with age and everyone works. Migraine isn't an excuse from working

Why are you married to him? Gee. He sounds awful and you hate him. In this time and age there is no need to stay in bad marriage with unsuitable spouse

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[divine1966]

Why are utilities in his name if he doesn't even work

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[oceansoftime]

I always wanted to try and stay together so the kids didn't come from a broken home but wow is it ever broken now.

Two yrs ago my daughter came to me and said "I'm glad you and dad are together, all my friends parents are divorced"

The utilities were put in his name when we moved in together and he was working.

[oceansoftime]

And I know he can work with migraines and glucoma. He's just lazy and trying to find another free way in life. 2 yrs before applying for benefits, he was going to win the lottery!

[mountaingeek]

Sometimes we must accept that life is harsh.
Continuing may lead to further problems for you.
I have recently separated and am realizing that I had accepted treatment that I would have stopped were it aimed toward another. I put on blinders to what I was truly feeling and experiencing in order to continue the marriage and be her help-mate.
Your situation is different but much the same. I can only offer a smile and a hug and hope.
Be well and know a Geek in Colorado is sending you smiles and butterflies.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by oceansoftime

I always wanted to try and stay together so the kids didn't come from a broken home but wow is it ever broken now.

Two yrs ago my daughter came to me and said "I'm glad you and dad are together, all my friends parents are divorced"

The utilities were put in his name when we moved in together and he was working.

Kids coming from a broken home where there's a devoted single parent caring for them is far better than them coming from a broken family where the mother and father lack any love. The point of having both parents would be to give them a good foundation for their future and with a situation where the parents aren't happy together it only teaches them that a good marriage is not important.

Let him cut them off and then you have the option of setting it up on your own. After all you pay for them, I'm assuming.

[oceansoftime]

I was taught that women stayed quiet and separation is not an option.

And I do work full time and I pay the bills.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by oceansoftime

I was taught that women stayed quiet and separation is not an option.

And I do work full time and I pay the bills.

So how do you feel about those teachings now? Do you think that the idea that a woman is to remain quiet is correct? Considering your situation, being basically the breadwinner here, don't you think you have the right to have a voice in this? Honestly I never understood the idea that women should remain mute in a relationship myself, it sounds like a setting for being abused.

[oceansoftime]

I want out but it's going to be wayyyy worse than it's now. I do believe that him and his mom can be very spiteful. He once broke up an engagement by telling the bride some very upsetting information about the groom.

I just want to be left alone to be with the girls, and enjoy my two older kids and grandchildren. I'm too old for drama.

[Yoda]

So what is stopping you from leaving him? He is not a good influence on the kids and you have no intimacy or respect between you.

[nicoleflynn]

I lived like that for 31 years. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. The things you were taught did not/are not working. Sadly a lot of children brought up in abusive home will marry someone like the abuser or become an abuser.

I would suggest counseling for yourself. I am 68 now and amazed I got myself out of that nightmare marriage. The one sentence that helped me: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.....win."

I hope you will read that book and get counseling. Don't bother discussing anything important with him; he/they just use it against you. He is angry and unless he thinks he has a problem (most abusers do not), he will never change.

Did you know that abuse can cause all kinds of physical illnesses? Every time you are under stress, the body releases cortisol. Cortisol damages the immune system.

Take that hate and anger and use it to do something positive for yourself. No one deserves to be treated/disrespected like that.

You can also call the Domestic Violence Hotline and get help.

[hannabee]

Man, you make my husband sound like prince charming and believe me, he does fall on the side of self-centered. You need to get out and get a better life for yourself and YOUR KIDS. Please, please it is not too late for you. Kids need parents that at the least respect each other. He has none for you. none at all! Big hug and hoping you find the courage you need.

[Trippin2.0]

I've read through this thread and for an intelligent woman, I still can't figure out why you haven't left.


Was it inferred somewhere?


You said initially you didn't want the kids coming from a broken home, then admitted its badly broken now anyway.


Then you moved on to say you were taught to be mute, but your thread alone alludes to the fact you disagree with that teaching, which is good, because not everything we are taught is right or good. Also you clearly have a voice, and are making use of it here.


The last clue is your hubz and MIL making your life hell...


Really? Because from here it doesn't look like it can get any worse.

He has never had any inclination to work, and he's verbally abusive, so getting full custody shouldn't even be an option.

I mean how would a sane judge choose him over you?


MIL? How does she get a leading part in this play?


The way I see it?


You've been a single parent, autonomously running your family and household this entire time.

You may as well make it official and throw his free loading lazy abusive a.s.s to the curb.

At least that way you don't have the weight of a heavily decayed marriage on your shoulders and you get a chance to be happy while you're at it.


You're an adult, you get to choose how to live your life, so don't allow others to choose for you, especially when the last thing on their minds is your happiness, wellbeing and best interests.


We only get one shot on this ole spinning rock, make it worth it.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by oceansoftime

I was taught that women stayed quiet and separation is not an option.

And I do work full time and I pay the bills.

If you are old fashioned and want to live by old rules. then men are also supposed to work and support his family. Seems like he doesn't have to work AND acts like a jerk. Maybe you could unlearn whatever is that you were taught

Life is too short and clearly your kids the ones who will suffer the most



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[oceansoftime]

Thank you for replying

I do want to leave. I just feel very emotionally tired. I did try leaving when the kids were 6 or 7 and I researched on how to tell young kids and we sat them down and I did an explanation that even Dr Phil would have been proud of and when I was done, he threw his hands up in the air and said " see what your mom's going to do, she doesn't love daddy anymore!"

I feel so much different as I age. There are so many things in life I want to explore and participate in. I've lost 120 pounds and I want to be active and try new things. I don't feel scared to be by myself, I want to be by myself.

[Open Eyes]

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have a life too. Staying in a dysfunctional marriage teaches the children "that is normal". Leaving and getting a life for yourself and loving your children and providing a safe home for them teaches them how to "leave" a bad situation instead of stay a prisoner to it.

So, don't "stay" for the children, it hurts them more than you realize.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by oceansoftime

Thank you for replying

I do want to leave. I just feel very emotionally tired. I did try leaving when the kids were 6 or 7 and I researched on how to tell young kids and we sat them down and I did an explanation that even Dr Phil would have been proud of and when I was done, he threw his hands up in the air and said " see what your mom's going to do, she doesn't love daddy anymore!"

I feel so much different as I age. There are so many things in life I want to explore and participate in. I've lost 120 pounds and I want to be active and try new things. I don't feel scared to be by myself, I want to be by myself.

The part where he said what he did and pulled your children into it, using them as a manipulation to guilt you into staying was an early sign of what was to come. People like this will go to great lengths to make sure they don't lose the one they have in "bondage" to them. Using the children to manipulate you is a very low blow.

I'm glad you're feeling better and wanting to be independent. I hope you pursue that and find your own way!

[marmaduke]

Leave.
My marriage was like yours 22 miserable years I stuck it, the thinking at the time was that it was 'better' for children if you stayed togesther.
Lies. Its not.
Mother was no support at all, told me 'You make your bed you lie on it'
I didn't know how to escape, no money, no support and no confidence.

I did get a divorce in the end. One of the best days of my life.

My MIL was a b##ch too.

[~Christina]

I think everyone has given great advice I can't think of much to add other than.. YOU DESERVE A LIFE much better than what you have... Your kids deserve better.

Be strong and just make that step and don't stop