Did I knew or didn't?

I now know, that my friendship with alicia has been friends, but it felt like it wasn't. It wasn't right how it went, and how indifferent everyone is in my life.

I don't know how to make anything happen. How come does everyone around me get that together sooo easy and I can't make one day stick?

I've dated people before, but am I supposed to do it that same old shallow way and hopefully it'll work. Deep down, I wish my needs were satisfied with any relationship/friendship.

Sometimes I feel my life is meant to be untouchable go out in a bad *** life I can have and make the most of it. Be a showman playing live in front of crowds inspiring others and being distant from real connection. I feel I'm meant for this life, it chose me. I should play the part if I'm going to do good.

I don't know what to do or not. I know I should make my life how I want it to be, but really maybe the reality that having no one to hurt me isn't bad. Cutting every girl's opportunity to know me for my benefit will be best. This current modern day relationship crap is hell, and it's not worth your time unless your young. I'm still young, but when my time is up. I'm withered and I don't need dating to get me by my loneliness.

I need acceptance I'm dying alone. That my relationships of everyone was at best far and few. Mostly shallow and platonic felt more like the tip of the iceberg, and like an exclusive club of happy people together to share stuff. I'm happy when I'm not like this, but maybe no needing to share is alright.

Maybe my dreams of being in a single life, trying to be a model, and an artist may work my benefit single.

There's nothing wrong with being single. In fact, learning how to be happy(ish at least) and how to handle loneliness... is a good thing to learn.

I'm single. I live alone - have in fact just bought a house. Am I lonely? Yes, sometimes. Do I want to spend my life alone? No. I really don't, and I hope that someday I won't be alone. But can I live and enjoy my life while being single? Yes. Yes I can.

You aren't happy in the slightest, based upon any of your posts. No one else will make you happy; no one can fix you, or change your outlook on yourself, others, or the world in general.

That is all stuff you can and need to do by yourself, and it may be easier to accomplish that by focusing on being on your own. No one can really accept you when you don't accept yourself.

At the same time, we all need people in our lives. I know you have also had a lot of friendship issues, and that you think all the women in your city are terrible, but I've never heard you mention any male friendships? If you focus on simply friendship as opposed to a relationship, you might find yourself more content with what you have. Maybe.

i agree with a red panda, you can be on your own and be happy too.

Yes it will and when people see you thrive and be happy they will flock to you asking for your secret At that point people will come to you instead of the other way around (if I am understanding what you say)

I have lots of male friends, some are far worse than me and drag me in their problems others I've not seen and been around in many years because they are very far away from me.
I have fewer female friends recently. Many moved on to who knows what it doesn't bother me, but I only had problems with girls who take something I do turn it around like I'm the bad guy. I hate being punished for being genuine or just asking a question two female friends I specifically am talking about.

Alicia is one and the other is Ruth.

See they would take my situation to patronize me or act like I don't know what I'm doing when I figured it our the first time after being dragged around in their crap before too. Ok I wasn't the best friend venting mt stuff but I don't have anything in those very difficult times. Living alone in your mind is entirely different in mine. You may be alone dating wise and like you said. It sometimes bothers me but I don't need one to go on. My precious posts is how Alicia made me feel she was the girl that lots of people liked and so nice to everyone her reputation almost came like a web cam girl who is untouchable and the objectification of perfection. I knew her in person she was so nice to me, and I eventually grew feelings she shuts it down a month later finding out she didn't have any feelings despite how she acted how obvious I said I liked her and her replies. Then after finding out her problems and insecurities you know I have a hunch she's like me she will cut throat people subtle for things that don't meet her preferences in her words.

I wasn't sick of being single I was sick of stuff like that being told, "there there it will all be better someone will like you eventually you'll just gotta believe... I was naturally attractive it's easy for me to say this to others I'm always saying I'm ugly fishing for attention online then if you really like me I wont act like most *****es but you can be my friend and if you're not my type I spit you out like sour milk."

Girls who are like this in disguise piss me off the most you don't find red flags very early it's hard to find them without looking like you're a crazy person. So I accepted instead of waiting and worrying I tell them how I feel horrible while you feel great. That don't get mad ill never talk to you again.

What I need is someone to genuinely love me without me having to die to earn it. Something unconditional like my closest friends I've never seen in years but someone I can see alot more than once a year.
I don't have a feeling of loved by my family nor parents anymore. Finding out the hard way on that was messed up and knowing no one gave a **** about me. So being shocked in that moment wasn't fun adjustment.

I lost weight in response. If I can't be perfect ill force it on myself with physique part I have control over.

After all those people I dated their words were so shallow how they felt and how they are. I felt that relationships consist of this shallow bs like everyone else I have. It's not exciting and more depressing to be around.

Some friends like to nit pick me for good and bad reasons, but I have alot of blame for some of it. My mom is the only last human who cares for me that I need, but it's more fake because she's like always mad at me and I'm trying to do everything I can for her to notice me. Always felt she didn't care but when she shows it it feels like a sarcastic joke.

So when people tell me to live on my own I kinda take it as a compliment and insult depending how they perceive my situation. So as of now I don't care I'm happy I make music the way I do, but am I jealous of people with happy relationships meh not really. Am I jealous with other peoples lives, sometimes but not for long and do I feel I need someone to love and care for me. Yes absolutely and when others receive so easily what I needed from family friends and so on. You know that all relationships are way unrealistic and unbalanced because your parents don't know how to show feelings or get mad and angry at you when they are in a bad mood and you're minding your own or that you want your mom and dad to feel involved with your life but your always stuck in theirs and they treat you as if you have no say.

So going my whole believing someone should live me maybe not my parents someone else anyone was so naive of me growing up it was the main cause why I was raped and abused by others because I wanted someone to love but never shown it. It's like your looking for a unicorn hut their was none I'm the first place and you destroyed so much to find it to be a joke and all you feel is leftover guilt. Making connections nearly impossible, superficial people I hate. I don't have time with them superficial acquaintances are ok and ok to chill with. But people who are basic live life to do drugs have sex and not contribute to society are plentiful here.

Ik you wonder why so many nasty women. My lesbian friend Kelsey is in the same boat. She says the same thing around here ironically its universal to this area that we have terrible women everywhere with some diamonds in the rough.

I developed this not only from my experiences alone but many other friends and people I know personally in my boat. It always happens with girls who are not responsible for their actions and not being mindful of their self and raking it out on others directly or indirectly. I don't believe they are lesser than anyone else but when they do shallow shady and hurtful things to me my friends they are lesser in that moment.

Tbh idk why this is such a problem here if you've grown up your whole life here its almost a culture thing. Everywhere has this but we are almost branded with it. Idk this is something I'm not knowledgeable about but many people do or don't know more than I do. Yeah

That's all I'm aiming for. It's a weird time being isolated alot and being poor trying to get my life going. As in we were more worse shape than this and I'm happy we have a roof and food now, but it still remains I can't be independent for a long time unless I have a better income than 7$ an hour to 11 $ dollars an hour working a small set of hours if you get more pay averaging out the same amount as minimum wage.

Hard work as of now will help your job credibility but make you very poor. You can't live here on 11$ an hour living on your own paying bills when it takes all your time and your pay is destroyed by 5 local taxes and two government programs of Medicaid and this oas one idk what it is then state and federal literally taking 200 out every check. That you're barely making enough to pay 455 in rent or 600. The reality is for me everything is cheaper to other cities, but our pay in jobs here is like chump change. So you work your *** off and still poor.

That's why I am going far away from here do what I want to do and not be held down by anyone. Dating is the least of my concerns as of now.