It hurt my feelings -To meet or not to meet (friendship)

Hi everyone,

I am writing because I am not sure how to really get over this situation.
So I am friends with this girl (myself a girl ) we are on our mid twenties.We met on a forum for a show a year and so ago and hit it off ,we became close and we found out we lived in the same city (how awesome ,have so many things in commun).We obviously eventually planned to meet IRL (duh!) and first time something came up ,so It wasnt possible to follow through with our plan but for a valid reason .

Now I'm not doubting If my friend is real or not ,PLEASE do not question that because I have no doubt in my mind and that isn't the problem .So we still didnt meet because we traveled a couple of times(obviously are back ) but I have always wondered why she never initiated the "lets hang out conversation "since we are very close and get along super well and living minutes away.I know cause she once gave me her address when I was supposed to send her something...Huge fast forwaaard ...
So recently she was going through something and I was there for her,she kept thanking me for being there when nobody else was and that she needed to talk so much and.A while after, I did ask her that I wish I could just hug her,take her out for ice cream when she is feeling down etc,be a real friend instead of trying in vain to help her with my texts .I wonder why we still didn't meet etc etc and she finally decided "to be honest with me" and adress the issue for the first time and I was really shocked because I always wondered why she never asked me to hang out.I certainly didn't pressure her after It didn't work out 3 times and she never initiated that .So she told me that she has overprotective parents (That's true she told me about it before).She said she mentioned to her mom that she'd meet her "friend from that show"and she freaked out about her talking to people online .She also mentioned she is an adult and can hang out wih whoever she wants and that put her in a difficult situation and would feel bad lying to her mom everytime she was supposed to hang out with me.She said it wans't about me since her mom doesn't know me anyway.She also mentioned she didnt tell me all of this before because she didnt wanna hurt my feelings and that it has nothing to do with me personally,and she didn't want me to think she doesn't wanna meet me or something.

Well I'm definitely hurt because part of me know that her parents are over protective (no doubt about that,even with her own bf,we talked about it before )but I know she has friends here (I remember her telling me that she has to go somewhere with friends,house warming parties etc etc,hang out etc.. ),the other part still thinks that If she really wanted to,It could have happened and the reason why I'm hurt is because I just imagined "what would she do If her other friends from the show came for holidays in the city and wanted to meet her "and the answer to this question is without doubt "hell yeah she would make an effort"./I don't know she said that I'm her sister,that we were like best friends because we talked about everything ,that I'm very important to her and everything but I don't know I can't help this feeling.We really have a strong bond,that I don't wanna lose but I don't know what this means,I don't know If I am able to just ignore this happened and keep texting as If nothing happened .We talked about it and moved on and for a second I thought It was fine but It does hurt(I know it's fresh) and I don't wanna bring it up again with her since we already talked about it.I don't want to pretend and keep texting as If nothing happened ...

I don't know what to think If I should consider this a texting friendship but it just hurts me to think we live minutes away and I can't do nothing about it .
I wanna believe that she does want to meet me and that is the only reason why she didnt but at the same time I'm wondering If she does care deep down even though she told me she does care and I am very important to her but the fact that If her other friends "from the show"(as she told her mom) came to visit and wanted to meet her,that she would so do it just hurt me more.

Please your opinion would be welcome .I don't know where to go from here

Hi Noski. If your friend takes the time to text and talk to you online, then she obviously cares about you. It's hard to know why she isn't trying harder to meet you in real life.

All I know to say is that I've had friends online before who were very special to me but I was very hesitant to meet them in person because I feared losing the relationship.

I've had bad experiences in the past when someone turned out to be very different in person than they were online, so I've become cautious about meeting anyone from online in real life.

I'm not saying that's healthy behavior. There's fear and anxiety involved. It may not be why your friend doesn't want to meet. I guess I'm just trying to say that there are many reasons that she might be hesitant to meet that have nothing to do with whether she cares about you as a friend.

I hope that you are able to work this out and that your feelings will be soothed soon.

Something's not right. I wonder if this person is real, or who she says she is.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply .I thought in the beginning that she might be reluctant but she seemed so excited when we planned to go watch a movie and went to Starbucks and have girl chat because we could relate to each other .Now she never gave me the impression that she was fearing the transition and did give me a reason and this is interesting observation as well "The fact that she might be hesitant to meet has nothing to do with whether she cares about you as a friend or not " but I just can't help and we never even talked on the phone .I mean I also wonder whether her parents (overprotective control that bid too.Once we were texting and talking about accent ,so I said I really wanted to hear it and she should could me and she didn't want to either but I didn't bring it up when we recently have the "why I idn't ask you to hang out" conversation.

Hi ,thank you for replying .I am not doubting at all like I said .Not for a second.I actually did send her something (she wore and showed me ) by email ,I mean she is just normal online ,with pictures and everything on instagram,fcb etc etc...Not hiding or anything !That is not what's bugging me actually

Hi Noski. I've known people in the past who have overprotective parents, and the only possibility that comes to mind as to why she hasn't met up with you and goes out with her other friends is her parents being afraid of her meeting up in person with someone she met online. To be honest, that's something to be nervous about. That's my best guess after reading your post and reading about how certain you are that this person is real. The only way to find out is by having a serious talk with her about how you feel, exactly what you posted here, although you say you haven't spoken to her on the phone and I find that to be quite suspicious, it seems like she's hiding something.

Hi Pamela,

Thank you so much for you reply .Yes I understand that her parents fear that and it makes sense but what she seems to say is that she's an adult (we both are )and she can hang out whenever with whoever she wants but that she is in a difficult situation because she doesn't wanna lie and feel bad If she had to hang out with me .She also acknowledged that It was a werid situation.
And Pamela we did have a serious talk (hence how for the first time she said she was being honest about the real reason why she never asked me to meet IRL).I think she completely trust me otherwise she wouldnt give me her addresses in her hometown and the town we live in and I even had to mail something in her hometown.
As for the phone conversation ,It didnt came to my mind when we were having that conversation a few days ago but I thought about it afterwards.I did sent her recordings saying hi and all a few times.And she sent me a recording of 3 seconds lol and when we were talking about accents I told her I really wanted to hear her accent she didn't want to and said she hated her voice.Weird.I wonder what would be the reason for that one too.Maybe her parents don't want her to talk on the phone to somone she met online .Does she have to tell her mom who she calls ?Absolutely not .So I'm curious about that one too ...
NOW since it was just a few days ago,I really don't wanna bring up again.I know she'll be annoyed as well but part of me really want to understand the phone conversation part.
Also despite having overprotective parents ,I am pretty sure that If he rother friends (from the same forum,the ones she gets along with and oftne talk to ) visited the city and told her to meet up,I am SURE she will.I am not saying she'll lie but she'll make efforts.So that too made me doubt a bit.She also said she understands If I need my space... IDK

How do you know? It's impossible for you to know that for sure. I think you're taking this too personal.

Yes technically I don't but I just know from talking to her a lot.I'm sure about it. .I dont know how not to take this too personal that's just how I feel and this whole thing is weird especially considering the phone call aspect

Are you generally an insecure person? I think something is clouding your judgement.

What is so weird about the phone call? Maybe she just doesn't enjoy talking on the phone - lots of people hate that!

Is this the same person you posted about last year? Sounds like you need some distance from this peron. Spend some time with other, real life friends.

NO I'm not an insecure person at all.I have friends in real life that O go out with and all.That is not the issue.
Have you read the whole post by the way ?
Its weird to me to have NEVER spoken to someone I know over a year (she said she hated her voice or smthg). Oh well thank you for your take I'm just confused

I have been friends with many people on line, some for many years, exclusive, online friends. Some are in other countries, a few are somewhat local. My best friend of over 7 yrs is a state away and we are close but frankly it was probably 3+ yrs before we even talked via in game communication finally and never talked via phone. My friends in other countries, well a couple of them I never talked to, again for several years, on the phone. We finally did via game chat there too but again, it's not required in a friendship and frankly it is NOT WEIRD. I have an issue with talking on the phone or via voice, myself. I don't typically call people or talk on voice chat at all.

As for over protective parents, there is that. Without evidence for or against her, I cannot say if this is real in her situation but it is a valid reason. I say this as I've had a girl that was very attracted to me, bolt due to the same reasons. it was an online romance and her reasons I found out later were because her parents were over protective. It's a valid reason.

You can't force her to meet you or do what you like. Either accept the relationship as it is, an online, texting one or move on really. You may never know all the reasons behind this.

also lastly the idea that she would meet friends from the forums other than you. Where do you get that from? Can you elaborate how you know this? From what I've read there is no evidence that you have that should make you think this, and it's entirely assumption.

Hi Thank you so much for your detailed response and sharing your experience with online friends.It always help to get a new prospective but I think every situation is different I guess adepending on how people handle it.
Now I am not trying to force her.I remember we both planned to meet and set our calendar and everything .We both were excited ,so when it didnt happen etc etc I was wondering what could be the reason and she explained her reasons .Of course that's valid and I know that her parents are over protective but I know we're both pass our mid twenties and are adults and we live minutes away (by the way we went to the same university but we didnt know each other before ) ,so 'm just not convinced that she really wants this ;I don't knowI mean it's the same neighborhood we go to I guess etc etc..

As for your last point ,you're right I can't predict but I just know that from our past conversations.We talked a lot about everything .I just know but fair enough .The weird thing is that back in february I went to a concert (show related artist ) and she also wanted to go but she had to travel back home and it was my birthday the next day,she did tell me that she wished she were there and celebrate with me .So I'm really confused at times .

Anyway "If you argue against reality ,you will suffer" :The reality is that it's not happening for whatever reason and I have to accept it and move on but I am just not sure where does the friendship go from here .I don't know If this is a texting friendship,I don't know ,she referred to us as besties,she told me I was very important to her and that she appreciated my friendship and support,so taht seemed genuine to me but I just wished too I could be there in real life whenever she needs a friend instead of always texting but Fair enough.I don't force anybody to do whAT THEY're not comfortable.So I'm just gonna let go,even though it doesn't change the way I feel

Ok a bit of honesty here, you're past your 20s I assume early 20s. First off, you're still both very young adults and for some (in that age range) there is a lot of maturity to still go through so it's not a really accurate gauge for how much one's family still has influence over them or should have. Keep in mind I have other friends that are in relationships where their SO is in control of them, and they have very little say in what goes on in their lives, and these are adult people with kids of their own. The idea that because she's an adult would nullify the effects of overprotective and controlling parents is just oversimplifying the situation. The lady I spoke about in the previous post was in her early 20s also and technically yes, she was an adult and should be able to do things she wanted to but the effects of manipulation, control and over protectiveness can continue well past adulthood without the right help. Please understand that..

I understand feeling confused but you either have to trust her word about this or really, move on. Thing is if she's truly as close of a friend as you say, the mistrust or questioning who she is, what she is, her motives, etc.. should be non-existent or it's really not as close of a relationship as you might think. So in other words if you want this friendship to grow and mature you'll have to take her word, if you can't do that you probably shouldn't continue to be friends with her anyway.

it may be true that she feels you're the best friend she has but that does not need to require a meeting in my mind. here is how I see this part of your response: you and your friend have a difference in values. you clearly place importance on the ability to physically be in your friend's life and she doesn't place it as high on the list. Thing is, for her maybe a best friend is merely someone she can trust, can confide in and lean on, and it doesn't require being in their presence. My best friend is the one a state away. He has always been there, got me through a lot of hard times and I know I can trust him. I'd like to meet him and his family someday but it's not a requirement for us to be close friends. I guess her thinking is similar to mine in this. You'll have to reconcile the differences in values and essentially one will have to compromise for the other or it won't work.

I am wondering if she is perhaps a bit shy....she likes being friends with you but meeting in-person is something her shy nature doesn't feel comfortable.

Maybe give her some space and just see how it goes. Don't "smother" her....you sounds very nice - please don't take that the wrong way.

I understand that the fact that we're adults doesn't nullify the fact that she can do whatever she wants .I'm deifnitely not saying that .We even talked aboutit and I know It's bugging her .
Also you mentioned your best friend but I assume us women are more sensitive and you may view this experience in a different light as well.Yes that's right maybe to her we don't need to meet to solidy a true friendship .I don't know .All I know is that she thought the same think when I told her thatI wished I could have been there for real.
We are in our late 20s btw.I'm gonna read your post I haven't yet

Hi Thank you for reading.No I don't think it's about shyness because when we decided to meet in the first place,we were both excited and it didnt seem like there were ANY hesitation .
Don't worry I am not taking it the wrong way,I understand what you are saying .After we had this talk this past week,she did tell me that she understands If I need space .

I really care for her and she was going through something,that she coudnt even tell her parents ,and probably didnt tell he rother friends but she did talk to me.I've never seen her that vulnerable and I was really sad I couldnt even go give her a big hug ,be a shoulder to cry on .That's when the conversation started again when I told her that I'm here for her ,I'm here If she wants to go to the park or anything .I spent so much time talking to her ,cheering her up till she told me that I gave her the strength she needed.She kept thanking me .The fact that I'm still doubting or the fact that I'm even writing here makes me fele guilty.I really do care about her.

Now I feel like I should give it space but the problem right now is because If I do,she'll probably think thatyI'm upset about that .I'm still a bit hurt and confused but it's nothing serious.I know that I can deal with it later.At the same time she felt better and everything but I don't know.I dont wanna have to think that she's dealing alone with those issues .

ANyway Thank you

Ok, by the time you're in your late 20's you should be able to tell your parents that you're going to go out and not have to explain WHO you are going to see or anything like that. I understand that she lives with them, but at the same time, you've gotta cut the apron strings at some point, right? If her excuse is valid, she's overly bonded with her parents and doesn't have healthy separation from them given her age.

I think you may have to accept that shes a text only sort of friend and leave it at that. Maybe move on to find other friends IRL.

I think its not her the issue. She did tell me she wanted her freedom for obvious reasons.So its not like she wanted that situation..

No I'm good with my IRL friends and very grateful for them.Yeah I may have to accept that too.the texting only aspect