[pamela33]

This is pretty long so I'd like to thank anyone in advance who takes the time to read this. I'm a shy person, and since I've always been shy, I never really made a lot of friends throughout my years at school. When I went to college, I met a guy who was majoring in the same subject I was. We were taking a few courses together and we became close friends. That was around the fall of 2011. About a month later, he started flirting with me, and he confessed that he liked me. He would grab my hand often, he texted me ALL the time, literally from the time he woke up to the time he went to bed and would question me if I didn't answer "quickly enough". He would follow me everywhere around the school, even if I told him not to do that. I told him I just saw him as a friend. Even so, he tried kissing me a couple of times and I got angry at him and he apologized. My friend was a kind person despite all these things. He would go out of his way to be a true friend when I needed him. But I knew there was something off about him. One day on a weekend, we were talking online, but at the same time, I was showing my parents something on the computer. I went to check on our conversation for a second, and he had sent me a very inappropriate message, along with a few inappropriate questions, which I will not mention here, but it was too inappropriate to send to a friend. Obviously, my parents saw the message too. (He was my friend so him sending me an inappropriate message was the least I expected.) I was very offended and I let him know how upset I was. He sent me many text messages saying how sorry he was and that he felt like a jerk and that he'll never do it again. He told me to give him one more chance. He called me many times too but I didn't answer his calls or his messages for about 2 weeks. After 2 weeks, I decided to talk about the situation with him and he told me he didn't think it was something to get upset about (that should have been a red flag for me). But I let it slide. He was my only friend. He confessed to me that he had adhd and he had learning disabilities. Right after I forgave him, he said something else that was inappropriate. I attributed the fact that he had adhd and learning disabilities to his other behavior, so I just let the other circumstances go. He always seemed to think of himself as a failure, even though he was one of the brightest students in class so I started being there for him more and saying things to make him think otherwise. And he would tell me all these things every girl wants to hear. So I started seeing him as more than a friend and I think he noticed that. Around February 2012, he told me he loved me. And I felt the same way so I told him. The problem here was, my parents had seen that inappropriate message before. And they didn't want me around him. They didn't like him already, even though I told him a million stories about him being nice, but they didn't buy it. I didn't have a car. And I never really had close friends so they knew if I went out, it was to see my friend. And I was living under their house, so I had to obey their rules. I didn't know what to do. I felt stuck, I wanted to go out with my friend who kept asking me out every single day, but I couldn't. Occasionally, I managed to go to the park with him and to the mall once, but otherwise, we'd see each other at the college and we'd have 3 hours worth of free time in between classes so we spent all that time together. I explained the situation to him and he didn't seem to mind. He was always happy to see me, even though I had seen him the day before, the next day he acted like it had been years since he last saw me and he would run to me and spin me around with joy. I have to admit I liked this. I usually reciprocated and I was always very sweet and caring to him too. By that time, he was my boyfriend. Many professors saw us together and stopped by to say how happy we looked together. On the other hand, some students would ask me why I would choose someone like him. They saw him as the weird guy. But I'd always stand up for him. And he saw this and he was grateful, since he told me all the students always teased him when he was in high school. And I stood up for him and I always listened to him when he was facing a problem and was there with him every step of the way. I still do that to this day. He became the most important part of my life. One day, he proposed moving with me. I was very excited about that and I said I'd love to do it. He wanted to save up first, so it couldn't happen right away. Things went well for about a year, until January 2013 when his friend transferred to the same college we were in (A guy friend). He started hanging out with this friend more and more and would barely make time for me. He still texted me everyday though. But the free time we had together at the college, he used to spend with his friend and ignore me. When I talked to him about it, he got angry. I wasn't yelling at him or anything, I just asked him questions and let him know how I felt. He yelled at me for the first time. He told me he wasn't ignoring me; but he was! I decided to give him some space. When I did, he started to talk to me more at school, but after a few days he went back to doing the same. I let him know that I wasn't upset that he was hanging out with his friend, I mean, why would I be upset about that? I was upset at the fact that he walked right passed me and acted like I was a ghost. He looked at me and kept walking with his friend without greeting me. He yelled at me again and called me passive aggressive and a hypocrite. I decided to end things with him, even though I loved him with all of my heart. He apologized a week later, and I forgave him but he didn't really make an effort to be my boyfriend again. And I didn't want all these things to ruin the beautiful friendship we once had. I didn't want to completely lose him. So that summer of 2013, we spoke but not everyday like we used to. Only about once a week. In the fall of 2013, we barely took courses together and we barely spent time together at the college like we used to. He told me he still loved me. And I did too. So the little time we did see each other, we started getting close again. That semester was my last semester at the college. I had finished my studies 1 semester before he did. The semester ended and I saw him twice in the winter of 2014 before our graduation. We still texted and called each other and he still seemed to have those feelings for me. I started working at the time and worked hard so I could get a car and see him more and maybe even save up to rent a place together. He was my motivation. But he started getting more distant. It wasn't until the week after graduation when he told me he didn't love me like that anymore and I was only a friend to him. My heart broke into a million pieces. I can honestly tell you that from that point on, to this very day, I have felt extreme sadness and I've felt depressed. He started ignoring my text messages. He stopped texting me and he stopped answering my calls. Despite the rejection, I texted him almost everyday. I wanted to win him back. He told me that for him to avoid being sad about not seeing me, he'd rather keep his distance and that he wanted something more serious. That tore me apart even more. I just wanted to pack my things and ask him to take me with him. Anywhere. I really wanted to be with him. But I replied with a really long message telling him how I felt. After that, he replied to my messages for about a month (but I initiated all those messages). Later in July 2014, he told me that he was going on vacation for about 2 weeks and that he didn't want me bothering him. Just like that. And that hurt. As I said, I had a job in what I had majored in. I knew he was depressed for not having a job and months before, I had recommended him at my job. It was a position for what we had majored in, and we'd be working in the same office, but doing 2 different things, because we were in 2 different fields. After he said those things to me, he got a call from my workplace for an interview. So he started talking to me again. He even started complimenting me again, and I was happy. After he went to the interview, he was assigned a project to see whether he'd get hired or not. And he told me he needed help with the project, so after I got home from work, I spent my evenings helping him out. And he got the job. The week before he started the job, unfortunately, I was laid off. I was devastated. I had just passed my driver's license too, but I still didn't have enough money for a car. It was hard. I worked part time, only a few days a week, and I had student loans and other bills to pay. He still spoke to me though. For a month. In October 2014 he started ignoring me again. I sent him handwritten letters (yes, handwritten) and sometimes emails to let him know how important he was in my life and how glad I was to have met him. He ignored these. There were days after that where he spoke to me for hours still and we'd have good talks and we still had laughs together. But nothing was like before. He had changed so much and I missed him. He was one of those nerdy guys, really kind. He seemed so infatuated with me before. He loved me. But now he started working out and obsessing about his appearance. And now it didn't even seem like I was even his friend. He told me I was annoying, and that he wanted to find a girlfriend that wasn't me. Those were his words. All these abrasive things he'd say would be out of the blue. We would be talking normally, about anything and all of a sudden in the middle of the conversation, he would say these harsh things. That same day he told me he was going to a concert during the weekend. When I asked him about it (questions such as "cool, what band are you seeing?") he told me it was none of my business. He quickly apologized. And again, I forgave him. But he kept ignoring me more and more. I was broken inside. It came to a point where I couldn't pay attention to anything else in my life. He also told me to not tell him anything sweet ever again. After about a year of having a deactivated facebook account, I activated it again. I saw this girl who kept writing on his wall on facebook. She even had a lot of pictures of them together, but it wasn't just them, it was a group of friends too. But she sat on his lap for the pictures and hugged him through a lot of them. Also, that time in July when he told me he was going on vacation, he went to see her. He went to the same town where her college was located, which was 3 hours away and she even tagged him in a status saying she was with him. I asked him if that was his girlfriend. And he told me that maybe he does, or maybe he doesn't have a girlfriend, and that that shouldn't matter to me. It hurt me because I still loved him. And I knew I was his friend and maybe he was right to say that, but during the time where he supposedly had gone to see her, he was flirting with me again and saying things to me that gave me hope about the relationship, I think because we were going to work together. So it wouldn't have been fair to me that he was giving me hope, while seeing her, if that was the case. He might have been playing with my feelings I thought. How would I know? He wasn't too open with me about that. He told me part of the reason he had distanced himself from me is because I was passive aggressive when I used to ask him why he ignored me. I didn't mean to come off as passive aggressive. I just used to ask him why he ignored me and explained how it made me feel. I tried calling him to talk to him about it calmly, but he never answered my calls. I was never angry at him, I just wanted to talk. And I told him just that. I told him it wasn't my intention to be passive aggressive but that I cared about him, and I wanted answers so that I could make things better if I ever did anything to him to make him react this way. Because I didn't want to lose his friendship, and I apologized if I came off as passive aggressive, although I always tried to ask him those things as nicely as possible. He apologized again. But I decided to not talk to him for a while. I had had enough. I stopped talking to him for a little over a month. After that time, I texted him to ask how he was doing, and he called me. It was the first time he had done that in so long. And he seemed very interested in what I had to say and asked me many questions about myself. He wanted to help me find a job. He all of a sudden wanted to help me with these things. And he helped me fix my resume. He was offered a great job, with great benefits, and he told the recruiter that she should talk to me instead of him. (The recruiter didn't contact me btw). Since then, he hasn't ignored me much and he has these great conversations with me. No compliments towards me, no flirting, he's just being a friend although I initiate 99% of the conversations. But as opposed to texting him every single day as I used to, after that last incident I only text him about 2 or 3 times a week. I haven't stopped loving him. I love him with all my strength. I think about him all the time. I miss him and it hurts. I don't know what to do. I don't think he'll want to hang out with me anymore even if I could, after all his rejection, I don't know how he'll respond to that. I don't know if I should keep talking to him as a friend, or distance myself because the thought of not having him hurts. But I don't know how to distance myself. I don't want to lose him. I don't know if he has a girlfriend or not. He might like that girl though, that's what I think. I feel so guilty, and this guilt is overwhelming me. I feel that this is all my fault because I barely went out with him. But it's not because I didn't want to, I would've wanted that more than anything but I was strictly prohibited and I didn't know what to do and I still don't. I thought it would all get better if we moved in together as he suggested but he backed out of that plan. I feel like it's my fault due to that fact, but I don't think he should treat me like this. I've been nothing but nice to him. I've tried asking him why he treats me that way, and where did everything go wrong. But he never gave me a reason why. I suffer everyday because I'd love to tell him how I feel about him. I'd love to tell him that I love him, but I can't. He asked me not to. I always feel tempted to, but I know he'll stop talking to me and I don't want to lose him. I still have hope that we'll be together someday even though right now it seems impossible. I would give anything in the world to hear him tell me that he loves me, at least 1 more time. I still have the last text message he sent me telling me he loves me, which was so long ago. I don't know what to do. I feel pain in my chest because of all of this. I'm so depressed about this. I don't know what to do anymore. I have no one to talk to about this. I don't have any friends; he was my only friend and I certainly can't tell him again. He won't care and it'll hurt me more. I really want to tell him how I feel. It hurts and it's so difficult to try and be his friend and not tell him that I love him when I truly love him. I feel so guilty, I feel like all of this is my fault. And I don't see myself as being able to move on from this situation. I miss him when I don't talk to him. He's the love of my life and I always think of myself 10 years from now and I think I'll still love him. I haven't seen him since August 2014. Everything was ok for the past 3 months; he didn't really ignore me. But now the other girl is back in town from college and he's starting to ignore me again and it hurts so bad; it makes me cry. I don't know what to do I feel so lost.

[healingme4me]

My own life experience has shown me, that it's possible, in life to have loved more than one person. Each holds their own special place. Yet, doesn't mean, in the bigger picture that they were the right person for the long haul, they carried through certain stages, in life.

There's a word that came to mind, when I read of your friend slotting you into a passive aggressive category...projection. I've also learned that others will categorize instead of owning their own role.

I can read hurt and confusion and angst in your words. It's not easy, to let go of those that bring about such feelings. It's easy to self blame, i.e., your expressed feelings of guilt. I ask, does a truly loving relationship bring forth feelings of shame? Does a truly loving relationship chop down at ones self esteem?

That old cliché, there's plenty of fish, in the sea, does hold truth. I've spent nearly a lifetime making sense of clichés. My advice, hold out hope. Spend time focusing energy on yourself, defining yourself, solidifying your individual identity. An identity that oozes self confidence. You'll surprise yourself for such a feat, eventually.

[pamela33]

Thank you for reading this and for your response. I do feel confused. Sometimes I think that it's my fault for not being able to go out with him. And that I should do everything I can to make it right. I feel anger and frustration because maybe if I had the liberty to go out with him more often, then this wouldn't have happened. On the other hand, I feel like I've tried everything I could possibly think of to get closer to him but to no avail. He goes through these periods of talking to me, and then ignoring me and when he ignores me I feel worthless. I know I should build confidence, and I know it's wrong to feel this way and I probably do have a low self esteem but I don't know how to cope or deal with this. As I said, I have no one else to talk to. So I thought coming to this forum was one of my few options to vent and a step forward towards feeling better. It has come to the point where this whole situation makes it hard for me to even breathe, maybe some sort of panic attack. I know this must sound ridiculous, but I feel like it's something beyond my control at this point.

[BreakForTheLight]

Originally Posted by pamela33

I feel so guilty, I feel like all of this is my fault. And I don't see myself as being able to move on from this situation. I miss him when I don't talk to him. He's the love of my life and I always think of myself 10 years from now and I think I'll still love him. I haven't seen him since August 2014. Everything was ok for the past 3 months; he didn't really ignore me. But now the other girl is back in town from college and he's starting to ignore me again and it hurts so bad; it makes me cry. I don't know what to do I feel so lost.

I'll admit I haven't read your entire post, I read half of it and skimmed over the rest but the one thing I gathered from it, this guy sounds like a complete asshole. I see nothing at all to redeem him and his behaviour. Why do you feel guilty?

This is not want you want to hear, but you need to get away from this guy. Not trying to get closer to him again!! You deserve so much better.

I know it hurts, I know it's difficult. But I think you're in love with the person he used to be, or the version of him you've created in your mind. He is not that person. Stop making excuses for him. I understand you feel like you could never love anyone else but I'm telling you, he is NOT the love of your life! This guy is bad for you. You need to take care of yourself..

I wish I had more advice for you on how to let go but that is something I'm also struggling with, I have no idea how to let go. But one thing I do no is the first step is no contact. However difficult that is..... you have to find a way to move on.

[avlady]

i hate to tell you this,but i think you should get away from this guy. he is mentally abusing you. i know the love feeling, but sometimes we just have to give up, when its this bad. like said there are plenty of fish in the sea.

[darkfoxx]

Originally Posted by avlady

i hate to tell you this,but i think you should get away from this guy. he is mentally abusing you. i know the love feeling, but sometimes we just have to give up, when its this bad. like said there are plenty of fish in the sea.

I would have to agree. He seems to not know how it's affecting you fully, not in touch with your emotions. If you don't distance yourself now then it's only going to get worse. I know you want to hold on to that friendship you made but sometimes the people we want in our lives are toxic, basically like a drug addiction. You came to the right spot, i mean I know we aren't here IRL but there are hundreds of people here just looking to connect and feel they are valued. I've been promoting this website a lot, only because it helped me so much, is Meetup.com. I have issues meeting new people and I can honestly say that this has made it so easy for me to make new friends i have had nothing but good experiences. If you ever need someone to talk to I or anyone else I'm sure would be willing to listen. Hope I helped.

[pamela33]

Thank you everyone, for all the advice. It feels better to have let all this pain and hurt out a little bit by finally talking about it, and reading all these comments. It won't be easy to let go, especially when there are a lot of things along the way that are going to remind me of him, but I'll try my best. I only wish that things had gone differently. I was holding on, still waiting for the day he'd change his mind about us, but every day seems like an eternity waiting for that to happen, and I know it's not healthy for me to continue being so persistent about this.

Once again, I appreciate all of this. Thank you all for all your advice.

[divine1966]

He sounds like a bad partner. Sure there could be something wrong with him but we can't diagnose him online and it doesn't even matter. He isn't treating you right regardless what he has.

Now having LD and adhd or anything else doesn't make him to act like a jerk lol I teach special Ed my whole life, by this logic almost every student I ever had should be a jerk! Absolutely not. Dump him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[BreakForTheLight]

Originally Posted by pamela33

Thank you everyone, for all the advice. It feels better to have let all this pain and hurt out a little bit by finally talking about it, and reading all these comments. It won't be easy to let go, especially when there are a lot of things along the way that are going to remind me of him, but I'll try my best. I only wish that things had gone differently. I was holding on, still waiting for the day he'd change his mind about us, but every day seems like an eternity waiting for that to happen, and I know it's not healthy for me to continue being so persistent about this.

Once again, I appreciate all of this. Thank you all for all your advice.

Letting go is the hardest part. Believe me I know, I've been trying for the last 9 months. But whenever you're struggling, you have support on here!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by pamela33

Thank you for reading this and for your response. I do feel confused. Sometimes I think that it's my fault for not being able to go out with him. And that I should do everything I can to make it right. I feel anger and frustration because maybe if I had the liberty to go out with him more often, then this wouldn't have happened. On the other hand, I feel like I've tried everything I could possibly think of to get closer to him but to no avail. He goes through these periods of talking to me, and then ignoring me and when he ignores me I feel worthless. I know I should build confidence, and I know it's wrong to feel this way and I probably do have a low self esteem but I don't know how to cope or deal with this. As I said, I have no one else to talk to. So I thought coming to this forum was one of my few options to vent and a step forward towards feeling better. It has come to the point where this whole situation makes it hard for me to even breathe, maybe some sort of panic attack. I know this must sound ridiculous, but I feel like it's something beyond my control at this point.

It's not wrong to feel the way that you do, not even close to wrongness. Love is sticky, like that. His hot today, cold tomorrow with ignoring you, doesn't even come close to being a friendship, less someone to hold out hope for.

Cry and vent and sort it all out, as you need. Grieving is a difficult process in letting go of one dream.

[divine1966]

Sending hugs

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Trippin2.0]

Love of your life?


More accurate description would be, love of your life SO FAR.


You've still got life to live and love to give, don't waste it on a turdsack.


You'll never notice other doors opening while you're running face first into the one that's shut.

[hannabee]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You'll never notice other doors opening while you're running face first into the one that's shut.

Truer words were never written! Please please please LISTEN. Guy's an abusive jerk. Find someone to treat you well, you deserve it, really you do!!!

[~Christina]

Trippin nailed it as she always does. Won't be easy but turn the other way, You deserve better!

[pamela33]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You'll never notice other doors opening while you're running face first into the one that's shut.

That's very true. Thanks everyone, for all the advice. I didn't communicate with him yesterday, when I otherwise would have. Taking it one step at a time.

[Trippin2.0]

Good for you, baby steps, one step at a time, one day at a time.

In time it gets easier.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Pamela1!!! It's nice to meet you.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. I'm happy to see you're already receiving feedback from other members here. Best wishes and again welcome!!!

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[Nya378]

From what you have said, you have a good heart and once you become attached, you don't let go easily. I am the same way. The only thing you can do is know your own worth and change your own actions. For starters, narcissism seems to be a big issue with this guy. He knows the game he is playing and is incredible At it. Simply put, he is stroking his own ego. Every time you text him first or initiate any conversation. ....... he wins. And anytime you get tired of the bs, he know that all he has to do is grovel just for a little while before you forgive him and it's back to his terms....... this is a never ending circle. And it won't stop until you make it. I have dealt with this same issue with my husband. ....... I have finally put my foot down and told him that I'm not his mother, so I won't be taking care of his every little need.... and also that I am just as important as he is ..and if he doesn't like it, there is the door. It's not an easy thing to do, but very needed. They want to blame you for all their problems...... but guess what.... it's not your fault in the least! It's their own job to get help and fix themselves if they want to.