[Nya378]

My spouse tell me to talk to him when I am upset or irritated and then turns around to tell me why I shouldn't feel the way that I do. It's gotten to be a major source of conflict and recently escalated. I have gained a good bit of weight once being on anti anxiety meds and am having issues losing it. He knows this. We were at the mall yesterday and he picked up a shirt with 3 girls in thong bikinis, and asked if he could wear that one..... I get that it was a joke fom his point of view, but it hit me like a brick, so I got quiet. He asked what was wrong so I quietly but plainly explained my feelings on him being inconsideratr. .... he was infuriated, told me why I shouldn't feel that way and how it bothered him and told me what irritated him..... all while still in the mall...... it was all I could do to fight back from crying.... why does he do this?

[nicoleflynn]

Feelings aren't right or wrong.....they simply ARE. He is making it about HIMSELF, instead of hearing you and acknowledging your feelings.

[eskielover]

My spouse tell me to talk to him when I am upset or irritated and then turns around to tell me why I shouldn't feel the way that I do.

That's called INVALIDATING your feelings. As nicoleflynn said,

Feelings aren't right or wrong.....they simply ARE.

You have a right to feel the way you do about things & to express yourself. Yes, sometimes after we think about our feelings later on, we may see how we could have felt differently.

He also has a right to his feelings & to express himself but he needs to learn how to do it in a way that is not hurtful to you or put you down with his expression of your feelings or use his feelings to invalidate yours.......

Sure, feelings are going to be different but like you expressed your feelings in a quiet, respectful way, he needs to better learn how to express his feelings also in a more respectful way toward you & also not use his feelings to invalidate yours.

[Nya378]

That's what I told him this morning.... set aside what actually upset me in the first place. He shows straight out that he didn't care how I felt and he had to make it about him. I can't continue like this.

[s4ndm4n2006]

This is something I dealt with in my family growing up and was a source of my problems for many years but unfortunately the bulk of the problem lies squarely in your husband's court. It is about him negating your feelings under the pretense that you should "know better" than to interpret his actions in the way that you did or feel the way you do. As others have said it's invalidating and I understand that.

some people lack empathy, that is, the ability or in some cases the willingness to feel or understand what the other person feels in any given situation. Unfortunately this is not something you can force anyone to have or choose to cultivate in themselves. The only thing you can do is kind of passive and that is to try to show empathy for him and by example hope that he sees and learns from it, but he may not.

I think that you need to strengthen yourself and find your own individual validation without him. Although it's hard in a relationship or marriage, you can do this. Your feelings are yours and your interpretation of his actions are personal. That alone makes them valid and you need to divorce the idea that he needs to understand for them to be valid. You already know he'll probably do that, so just keep it in mind that regardless of what anyone thinks you should feel, in reality what you do feel is real and valid.

[Nya378]

I feel that you hit the nail on the head. I have started looking for a therapist. He thinks we should be working on us. I told him I have to fix myself first. We had a conversation tonight that he literally cut me off everytime I started to say something and told me I was at fault. I finally got a chance to talk for about 2 minutes and after I stopped, he told me that he felt the exact feelings that I did, so i was no different than he is......... I have to work on me and that is all there is to it.