Home Menu

Menu


Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old May 26, 2015, 03:21 AM
Nya378 Nya378 is offline
Junior Member
 
Member Since: May 2015
Location: SC
Posts: 21
My spouse tell me to talk to him when I am upset or irritated and then turns around to tell me why I shouldn't feel the way that I do. It's gotten to be a major source of conflict and recently escalated. I have gained a good bit of weight once being on anti anxiety meds and am having issues losing it. He knows this. We were at the mall yesterday and he picked up a shirt with 3 girls in thong bikinis, and asked if he could wear that one..... I get that it was a joke fom his point of view, but it hit me like a brick, so I got quiet. He asked what was wrong so I quietly but plainly explained my feelings on him being inconsideratr. .... he was infuriated, told me why I shouldn't feel that way and how it bothered him and told me what irritated him..... all while still in the mall...... it was all I could do to fight back from crying.... why does he do this?

advertisement
  #2  
Old May 26, 2015, 05:52 AM
nicoleflynn nicoleflynn is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Jan 2012
Location: rochester, michigan
Posts: 3,111
Feelings aren't right or wrong.....they simply ARE. He is making it about HIMSELF, instead of hearing you and acknowledging your feelings.
Thanks for this!
Nya378, Trippin2.0
  #3  
Old May 26, 2015, 01:40 PM
eskielover's Avatar
eskielover eskielover is offline
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 25,082
Quote:
My spouse tell me to talk to him when I am upset or irritated and then turns around to tell me why I shouldn't feel the way that I do.
That's called INVALIDATING your feelings. As nicoleflynn said,
Quote:
Feelings aren't right or wrong.....they simply ARE.
You have a right to feel the way you do about things & to express yourself. Yes, sometimes after we think about our feelings later on, we may see how we could have felt differently.

He also has a right to his feelings & to express himself but he needs to learn how to do it in a way that is not hurtful to you or put you down with his expression of your feelings or use his feelings to invalidate yours.......

Sure, feelings are going to be different but like you expressed your feelings in a quiet, respectful way, he needs to better learn how to express his feelings also in a more respectful way toward you & also not use his feelings to invalidate yours.
__________________


Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this.
Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
  #4  
Old May 26, 2015, 01:41 PM
Nya378 Nya378 is offline
Junior Member
 
Member Since: May 2015
Location: SC
Posts: 21
That's what I told him this morning.... set aside what actually upset me in the first place. He shows straight out that he didn't care how I felt and he had to make it about him. I can't continue like this.
  #5  
Old May 26, 2015, 01:49 PM
s4ndm4n2006's Avatar
s4ndm4n2006 s4ndm4n2006 is offline
Magnate
 
Member Since: Jul 2014
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,052
This is something I dealt with in my family growing up and was a source of my problems for many years but unfortunately the bulk of the problem lies squarely in your husband's court. It is about him negating your feelings under the pretense that you should "know better" than to interpret his actions in the way that you did or feel the way you do. As others have said it's invalidating and I understand that.

some people lack empathy, that is, the ability or in some cases the willingness to feel or understand what the other person feels in any given situation. Unfortunately this is not something you can force anyone to have or choose to cultivate in themselves. The only thing you can do is kind of passive and that is to try to show empathy for him and by example hope that he sees and learns from it, but he may not.

I think that you need to strengthen yourself and find your own individual validation without him. Although it's hard in a relationship or marriage, you can do this. Your feelings are yours and your interpretation of his actions are personal. That alone makes them valid and you need to divorce the idea that he needs to understand for them to be valid. You already know he'll probably do that, so just keep it in mind that regardless of what anyone thinks you should feel, in reality what you do feel is real and valid.
Thanks for this!
Nya378
  #6  
Old May 26, 2015, 05:05 PM
Nya378 Nya378 is offline
Junior Member
 
Member Since: May 2015
Location: SC
Posts: 21
I feel that you hit the nail on the head. I have started looking for a therapist. He thinks we should be working on us. I told him I have to fix myself first. We had a conversation tonight that he literally cut me off everytime I started to say something and told me I was at fault. I finally got a chance to talk for about 2 minutes and after I stopped, he told me that he felt the exact feelings that I did, so i was no different than he is......... I have to work on me and that is all there is to it.
Hugs from:
eskielover
Reply
Views: 487

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:06 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.