Atmospheric change

Okay so last week I was sitting at this coffee shop having a very good conversation with a lady. It actually carried me through a couple of days and thought about the conversation whenever I fell into the abyss. Well I'm back at the coffee shop again thinking lightening might strike twice - no such luck. I'm sitting here teetering on the edge thinking about the few chances I had to have a meaningful relationship. You know when I was younger I always thought that the closeness would come and I would have some fond memories. Well it didn't happen and the truth is some organisms ( that's what I call myself) are just left on the side of the road to rot. It's late in the day and I still haven't had anything close to romance or even a decent memory. People say that your life will pass before you when you are about to die - well I hope not because I don't want to see this nightmare again thank you very much. It's been an exhausting marathon filled with dark alleys and momentary glimpses of what it's supposed to be. I don't have any advice for anyone in the area of surviving this mess - what I have are tears and the feeling that climbing out of the womb was a waste of time.

You know as horrid as you may think that is, I have to agree. As a matter of fact I will share something with you:

Memories. Smokey filled room with bustling chatter, Sitting with my Honey Jack Daniels, I strike up another cigarette on my pillowlips as the piano across the room starts playing "When a Man Loves a Woman." My heart strings are pulled as I sit there and think, when is it my turn? I was beautiful once wasn't I? The bustle gets louder as the couples take to the dance floor while I wallow in self pity. Another Wednesday night.

I close my eyes and think to myself, why do I care? He doesn't love me. Not because he never will but because he is careful. I want to walk away. I am too weak. All those love songs in my head. Why do I believe in love? I am the princess at the top of the tower thinking he will come. 35 years. Wow. You never were in love and loved back in all that time. Maybe once when you were 19. So never say never. And when you walked away from him 15 years ago, he looked back and said "no man will ever love you again." You know what no one ever has since then. Did he really curse me? Put a spell on me that all my future loves will all be unrequited? Wow, he really did. I was never loved after that.

And here I am again. In the same place. Same place that I always am. On the short end of the stick. Men have used me, thrown me away like garbage. Used me as their sperm receptacle, their mistress, their dog. Yet time and time again, I loved them. Unrequited. Shameful. Hopeless.

Smoke fills the room. Honey Jack Daniels on my pillowlips. Big brown eyes lift up from my glass, as I peel myself out of the chair. Time to go home. Out the door into the night I walk. Walk home to write this piece and share it with you tonight.

I wrote that tonight while thinking of unrequited love and what we have gone through in our lives. It may not help, it may just make things worse. All I know is you are not alone in what you feel. We have experienced it all. Some more than others.

Be blessed, and be good to yourself, crawling out the womb wasn't a complete waste of time.

Thanks I almost couldn't get out of the chair at the coffee shop I felt so crappy. I know you're going to hate me but I wouldn't mind being a bit used if it meant having even a bad relationship. I've been alone way too long and it hurts.

Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you learn ways to build your self esteem and realize that you should never settle.

Everyone needs to learn how to be comfortable in there own skin.

Take care

I did therapy for years and quite frankly it was a bust - thanks anyway.