[CosmicRose]

I've been talking to a new guy for the past month. We talk every day, texting all day and calling each other pretty often. Last night we went on our first date. Towards the very end of the date, he told me he has a son that is only a few months old. He apologized for not telling me sooner. He told me that he isn't with the child's mother anymore. We are both in our early 20s. I was shocked, it totally caught me off guard. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I told him it was fine. I'm really not planning on being a step mother to a baby. I just started seeing this guy and really like him. He was telling me how much he dislikes the child's mother and that he's trying to get custody. I don't know what to do about this situation. I asked him if he was married, and he reassured me that he isn't. But my friend just told me he could be lying. Any advice? What should I do?

[Soul Quake]

Don't pursue him. He has a ton of baggage, and if you stick around you'll be in the middle of it. Take into account that he is bad mouthing the child's mother. Not a good sign.

[Hexagram]

Red flag city.

[~Christina]

I would just be polite and tell him you are just not looking for a ready made family, there is nothing wrong with that. Him bashing the babies mom to you on your first "date" ? Umm No that is really not a good sign.

[Creative ToFu]

He should be concentrating on spending the time with his baby right now, but who knows if he is allowed to. I'm a step mom, and it doesn't end when the child turns 18, it is a forever relationship he will have or should have. I have three step kids (adults now) where the youngest was 8. I'm not sure if I would do that again, if I knew what I was getting into. I love them, but it was very hard on our marriage as my husband had an ex from Satan. lol If you are not up for that (not many young ladies would be, I wouldn't at your age,) it is best to move on and be glad he didn't hide this longer than he did. It sucks, that is for sure, especially if you really like him.
There are many single moms in their 20's or younger, and they got pregnant with someone probably their own age. Lots of single parents everywhere.

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I've been talking to a new guy for the past month. We talk every day, texting all day and calling each other pretty often. Last night we went on our first date. Towards the very end of the date, he told me he has a son that is only a few months old. He apologized for not telling me sooner. He told me that he isn't with the child's mother anymore. We are both in our early 20s. I was shocked, it totally caught me off guard. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I told him it was fine. I'm really not planning on being a step mother to a baby. I just started seeing this guy and really like him. He was telling me how much he dislikes the child's mother and that he's trying to get custody. I don't know what to do about this situation. I asked him if he was married, and he reassured me that he isn't. But my friend just told me he could be lying. Any advice? What should I do?

[Rose76]

The fact that he's a father wouldn't make me dislike him, but the way he is talking about the mother would. He got this girl pregnant, has left her on her own, and now dumps on her. Not a good sign. Him wanting custody might be more about him not wanting to pay child support to the mother than anything else.

Since you're in your early 20's, I think you can do better than this guy, who sounds like sour grapes to me. He's going to spend the next 18 years resenting this baby's mother. He's got a bad attitude and you'll be dragged into a lot of ugliness, if you stay with him long term.

When he gives you all the evidence for how no good this other girl is, remind yourself that you will be hearing only his side. That girl's got a side to.

If I were you, I'ld pass on this guy. He's already screwed up his life. You don't need that. At your age, you really don't need to become a stepmother to a child in the middle of a custody battle.

[CosmicRose]

Well he told me that she tricked him into getting pregnant and she was only 19. That's his side of the story because apparently her religion didn't believe in birth control. Its just way too much drama for me on the first date. When he said he has a son my heart sank, he's literally less than six months old. I don't think I can handle that. I was going to just wait awhile and see how I feel but then I'd risk getting more attached to him. Yikes.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

Well he told me that she tricked him into getting pregnant and she was only 19. That's his side of the story because apparently her religion didn't believe in birth control. Its just way too much drama for me on the first date. When he said he has a son my heart sank, he's literally less than six months old. I don't think I can handle that. I was going to just wait awhile and see how I feel but then I'd risk getting more attached to him. Yikes.

Then who held the gun to his head and forced him to have sex with her? I'm sorry, but this is sounding worse and worse. I hope you meet someone else you like soon.

[hannabee]

Start going out with other guys immediately. You don't need this, you REALLY don't. Been a step mother for over 30 years and still no connection to the child because of the battle between the two parents. Had I known what I know now, I WOULD HAVE WALKED AWAY.
You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't get tied down with THIS guy.

[Rose76]

She "tricked" him. That's crap. He does not take responsibility for anything. This guy's a jerk.

So what evidence do you find of him being a good guy? I'll bet he's an excuse maker for anything that goes wrong in his life.

[healingme4me]

I am concerned that he hadn't said a word about being a father, until you were on a date, which needed to be about getting to know more about one another in an interests, and less serious manner. One, what type of father is he, not oozing with pride? Two, there's a fine line between saying things aren't smooth between the ex and himself and vilifying to the point that he portrays himself as victimized and a hapless victim. Being tricked into pregnancy involves more or less statements that she'd said she was barron and she literally couldn't have kids and surprise than not using birth control. Menstrual cycles can still be monitored and used as a medically free method towards being more responsible. Plus it's hypocritical to say religion prevents use of b.c. when having unwed sexual activity...

[gayleggg]

Big red flags. Run the other way for all the reasons that have already been given. I speak from experience.

Best wishes, Gayle
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[brainhi]

I agree that "right off the bat" he is bad mouthing the babies mom - so not cool. He is obviously pretty immature. It would be hard to start off your young life being concerned about being a stepmom. I will say this.. I adored my stepmothers (I had 2).. they protected me from my abusive dad as long as they could..then they had to leave.

[divine1966]

You talked for a month and he never said he has a child. Don't see this guy please, stop it right now, no second date

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[CosmicRose]

Yeah and after he told me he has a son, he said "I love him. And you will too." I mean he did seem proud of having a son and he said he loved him so there is some pride there. I'm more concerned about him not telling me for a month, the fact that he decided to get a 19 year old girl pregnant who literally didn't believe in the pill (like what did he think would happen?), and the fact that if I continue to date him I'm inevitably going to have to baby watch on our date and possibly meet this "crazy ex" he refers to. Oh joy.

[Rose76]

It's easy to love a child he hasn't had to do anything for yet. He hasn't had to get up to a crying baby in the middle of the night. He hasn't been confined to the house because a baby can't be left alone. All he knows is that the child's mother is "crazy." And now he visualizes you caring for this baby. It can be hard enough to love a child who is your own. You're not going to want to be tied down by someone else's kid. He's desperate to find a girlfriend who'll put up with his situation. That could explain all the attention he gave you for a month. Grooming you to accept this.

[ElCambio]

This sounds like a MESS! Leave ASAP

[Bill3]

I agree with everyone else. The way he badmouths the mother of his child, and blames her for misleading him, is very disappointing and speaks poorly for him.

[Candicindi13]

That's the exact same thing my ex said or says to each new girl getting custody of our boys. It's a narc thing I think. Strong feelings and anger bout his babies mom. Bunch of trouble u don't need

Kathi

She didn't believe in birth control so he willingly risked pregnancy. Says he wants custody but is he realisticly in a position to provide financially and daily care for his son? Gee, from what I've read of your posting you seem like a good person who should be out there having a good time and enjoying your life. Go have some fun and meet some of the other good guys out there.

[CosmicRose]

Okay you guys, I just told him I couldn't handle dating a guy with a baby and a baby mama, I apologized and he said its okay and that he was kind of expecting that. Its such a bummer, I really liked him. But honestly I couldn't deal with that love triangle - even though he told me he really disliked her, I have no way of knowing what their actual relationship is like, and the fact that he will constantly have to remain in contact with her just makes me jealous no matter what, because a child bond is something that is never broken. Difficult situation. I guess I know my boundaries a little more with this experience though...onto the next guy lol

p.s. there were just some weirder flags on our date, like the fact that he showed me a picture with her wearing a ring on her left wedding finger and him saying "She's psycho, I have no idea where she got that ring." and after me asking like ten times if he's married which he kept saying no to. I would literally have no way of knowing, I'd have no way of knowing if he's still involved or not. And he told me that he broke up with her five months ago which is the same time that his son was born, and when I asked why he broke up with her right when their son was born he said "It's a long story, I'll tell you later."
When he dropped me off after the date, he told me he's going to meet her to pick up his son. So after our date, he hung out with her even if just briefly, it's just weird!

[Angelique67]

I'm glad you broke it off with him. You'll find someone good! Just keep trying, and pat yourself on the back for dodging a bullet of grief with this one.

[hannabee]

Good thinking there Rose. Liar Liar pants on fire...he's married...come on...why would she have a ring on???And, why does he have a picture of her.... in any case, you can do so much better....honesty is a character trait this one didn't have, he led you on for a month, he shouldn't have done that. And in this day and age who knowingly has sex with someone who isn't taking precautions unless they want a child? He's not a good guy and thank heaven he showed his true colors early on! Big hug though, I know this can't be pleasant. Hang in there, do something nice for yourself today and every day!!

[Bill3]

Good job CosmicRose!

[CosmicRose]

Thanks everyone. Some people on another website were saying I was insensitive and rash for breaking up with a guy because he had a son. Am I being too judgmental in this situation? I think telling a potential date that you have a baby should be done as soon as possible, not a month later.