He just told me he's a dad

I wouldn't necessarily write this guy off for the sole reason that he has a child but many people here have good points. In a situation where someone has a child that should not rule them out but... the fact that the child is so young and he's saying he is no longer with the mother, speaks volumes to his commitment level. Even in a difficult situation with a partner, marriage or otherwise, a new child at the very least is the focus of attention for a time. the fact that he so quickly has ended it with her even in spite of that fact is at the very least a huge warning flag.

The way that he is saying he is trying for custody is kind of odd and I question his statement and motives if it's true. First I wonder if he's really trying to do so, since he's busy dating rather than focusing on his new baby. It's a contradiction that he's as concerned as he is about finding another mate yet he frames himself as a father that cares enough to want to have custody of his child. something doesn't sit well with me on that. I have teen children. I have been 4 yrs separated from my wife and although at times I've been interested in having a mate, it has never been in spite of my responsibility to my children. (I have been taking care of the boys pretty much full time this entire time). What I'm saying is I have not actively pursued or seriously considered being in a relationship because in my mind, my kids are very important. Even more so when I was first separated and learning how to be a single dad!

Best case scenario, this is a good guy that means what he is saying, but even then, truthfully, at 20 something do you want the challenges that he will carry even in the best of situations?

I once had people on another site tell me, that it was I who needed to be more compassionate with my exhusband (with a violent history)..

It comes accross from all your posts much more than the fact of his child. The other site sounds like they oversimplified your logic and rationale..

Intelligent decision. Now go find a guy who makes the first date all about u!

He keeps asking to see me again. It's taking a lot of strength to say no to him. Whenever I find someone I really like, there always seems to be some kind of hurdle in the way.

There are indeed a number of hurdles here that are well worth keeping in mind.

(((((CosmicRose)))))

That's true for me too but every wrong experience takes you closer to the right one. Imagine staying with this guy for a year and then break up?

And think how good you are spotting red flag right away and making smart move that quick!

I am getting better in seeing red flags, now it takes me few months and if used to be years stuck with wrong people.

You saw it right away, be proud how good you are.

He is bad news. Start dating others and the right one will come along

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The more you cannot have something.. sometimes, the more you want it or it still looks appealing - that goes for you and him. Keep telling yourself this is not good for your life... not saying you're doing this but...do not ponder on what it could be if it was good. Time will take care of it. Knowing what you do not want makes it easier in deciding who you want in your life.. chemistry can make this hard to see at times.

Rose, of course he really wants you now that he can't have you. That's human nature. The people here have no hidden agendas, we will just go on about our lives if you don't listen to us. We are just telling you what our life experiences have taught us and you have to be willing to take that at face value. Very hard, especially when he is probably very charming and you, deep down, think you have the power to change him.

Well, you don't and you won't. Please don't spend 1 year, 5 years, 35 years with someone who couldn't even be honest with you in the first month you met. He is lacking character. That will show up later in every phase of your relationship. There really are good men out there. Take time and find one, it's the rest of your life we're talking about here.

I get the part about some obstacle popping up just when you think you've met one that likes you. I've got to ask if you know why you choose who you choose? I should have had therapy years ago to help me in choosing a partner. I was always looking for the Dad I never had, a-hole that he was. IMHO screwed up parental relationships have to be dealt with before you will attract and choose wisely.

well just accept that there will always be hurdles! People are all challenges to be with. even if the hurdles are worth jumping over, they are there. I understand but just get out of your mind that there is someone that will not be a challenge in any way when you meet them. the perfect mate does not exist

I agree with everyone here especially Rose76. hes a jerk, get rid of him as fast as you can.

Hannabee - if I did some psychoanalyzing of myself when it comes to the men I date, for some reason I tend to pick guys that are jerks or emotionally unavailable. The one time I found a man who did treat me right and who was emotionally available, I was emotionally unavailable and didn't treat him right. So I don't know what the heck is going on with me in the dating scene. Me and my mom had a difficult relationship, but me and my dad have a really good relationship. I don't think I would be playing out my mom's relationship with the guys I'm seeing, I'm not sure if that's how it works psychologically.

And its not the chase either, I actually get turned off if a guy is being a jerk, I think it's just because most of the guys I date are really good looking and I think since they have their pick of women to choose from, that makes them less humble as a person and more likely to act arrogant. Or maybe they just think its cool to act uninterested, like a game or something.

You might need to explore your family dynamics. I seek unavailable men because my family is unavailable. When uoy become aware of it you will start the process of hopefully attracting better people. My t is helpful in that sense. She says the first step is to be aware why you do what you do and what signs to pay attention to.

I am not attracted to jerks they are typically awesome people but they are unavailable for one reason or the other: addicted to substance or too much baggage or untreated mental illness or something that makes them unavailable. Be aware and look for signs

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So very true. I hope you don't mind but I must say I really find much most of your replies very wise. Just sayin...

I haven't mastered this though I am aware that I am attracted to the wrong types of women. I personally am just not sure how the right women look on the surface or from the outside, in comparison XD

Well thank you! I am trying to help others but I wish I was wise about my own life! Lol But I am getting better

How they look on outside is pretty much no matter because wrong women don't look any different than the right ones.

But on inside I think you should pay attention how you feel in their company, are you enjoying them are you having fun , do they make you feel good? Does their life style match yours and is suitable to you? Are they done with past relationships are they free of addictions? Are they genuinely interested in you and your life do they pay attention to things? Etc

My last relationship lasted almost 9 years and he is an alcoholic. Great person but his addiction is not suitable for me. I knew it after 3 months of dating. But that's how long I stayed. Clearly you don't need that long to know what's right or wrong. It doesn't matter that we loved each other, it is just not healthy!

Love isn't enough

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I have a 15 year old daughter and I tell everyone about her as one of the initial getting to know you phase, doesn't matter what circumstances, work, just friends, someone I'm sitting next to on a plane, it doesn't matter. She is a HUGE part of my life and while I don't make a point of bringing her up, she just comes up in conversation, the fact that he didn't mention his son sooner says a TON about the sort of person he is.

I just spent some time reading about why we choose who we choose and found this written by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.:

What we are doing, I have discovered from years of theoretical research and clinical observation, is looking for someone who has the predominant character traits of the people who raised us. Our old brain, trapped in the eternal now and having only a dim awareness of the outside world, is trying to re-create the environment of childhood. And the reason the old brain is trying to resurrect the past is not a matter of habit or blind compulsion but of a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds.

And if that is true...YIKES is all I can say!!!

He refers to "old brain" and "new brain" and you will have to google him to read more if you're interested.

It's really incredible how the parental influence has so much impact in our lives and relationships, with others and ourselves.

As an emotionally abused child it sucks and as a parent, now wondering how good a job I REALLY did, it sucks!!!
My daughter and I were just talking about how I had to make her stay home from a birthday party when she was 5 because she had bitten a neighbor child earlier in the day. She had bitten the kid cause the kid grabbed a toy out of her hand. I didn't spank her, just made her forgo the party. Now "they" are saying that teaching your child to share is not good...huh??? Something about letting the child decide when to give a toy to another child. IDK, being a parent is difficult at best, and I think I'm glad I'm done with it.

Yeah, steer clear of this guy. It's pretty sad that he's trashing his baby mama like that, especially with the baby being so young. I'm guessing that he's mad because she got pregnant.

"......he told me she tricked him..." You see, that right there, is a load of crap. I haven't been met one dad-beat dad who didn't use that line of ****! My daughter's daddy said the same thing about me. That "she tricked me" is the oldest line in the book.

I'm trying ot figure out how a guy gets 'tricked' into getting a girl pregnant. o.O wow no birth control.. umm you know what happens unless you're a complete idiot

Yeah I was scratching my head on that one for days too, sandman. He literally dated this GIRL (19, come on, he was 23!) for at least a few months (If I did my math right) knowing she wasn't on birth control because she didn't believe in it? I have to really question the intelligence level there.

This statement continues to be true for the duration of our lives, not just when we're young...

She tricked him how?


Pretended her vagina was something else he could shove his penis into, and he believed her????


Or was it an accident, whereby he tripped butt naked and fell penis first into her vagina?


What an idiot, and how stupid does he think YOU are exactly???