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#1
May 13, 2015, 01:15 PM
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Hey everyone,
Right now I'm going through a really difficult time with my boyfriend as he just told me an extremely difficult piece of information and I don't know what I should think of it. I'm here because I need help but I can't tell my family because they will lose it and make me leave him, and I'm unemployed currently and have no close friends right now to talk to. Please help me out. It's very short. My boyfriend told me that when he was fourteen years old (so, a long time ago. He's 23 now), he was very alone and bullied at school and his parents had divorced and moved countries, and as a result he felt he had no human connection and he tried... (it's so humiliating to even say)... dry-humping his pet dog... He feels terrible about it and is so sorry but he thought the right thing to do is come clean and tell me because he wants us to last a long time. I empathize with him as a human being but as his girlfriend I am really REALLY struggling with this. I can't get the image out of my mind and I don't know how I can ever feel comfortable being physically intimate with him again. It's so disturbing and I'm worried about where he was psychologically to be driven to do such a thing. But most of all I am extremely disoriented, I don't know what to think of this or what to do or how to feel, do I even know who he is? Has everything changed? Is this just "something" that a couple can move past or is this something horrific that you break up with someone over? I am terrified. I was so happy with him with everything before this, and we were going to move in together soon. Now I'm terrified that I'm in a horrible situation, that he is deeply disturbed, and that everything I thought we had (that is, our relationship) is lost and nullified now. This is a really embarrassing thing to talk about, please take that into consideration. I really need help though, as I've never encountered this kind of thing and I have no idea what to think about it let alone how to cope with it. Please share some advice and help me out here. If there is any way to keep this relationship and have it healthy, then I definitely want that, I really love him. But I am horrified and don't know what to do. Please help. |
 Bill3, Keyslost, pegasus, shezbut
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#2
May 13, 2015, 01:21 PM
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It's not something I could live with.
__________________
 Pegasus Got a quick question related to mental health or a treatment? Ask it here General Q&A Forum “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein |
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#3
May 13, 2015, 01:25 PM
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is this something he does now or struggles with doing now? You mentioned it's something that happened when almost 10 yrs prior which would seem to imply it's not a current behavior of his.
It's in the past and please deal with what he is now, not what he was before he even knew you. |
 Trippin2.0
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#4
May 13, 2015, 02:13 PM
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Everyone has coping mechanisms in really tough situations just for survival. That was a part of his past and may not be the present. The fact he even brought it up means he wants to open up and be honest. You don't have to accept it but it could be the start of a really loving relationship. My first question would be if he still does it or if he needs counseling. Just some things to think about
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#5
May 13, 2015, 03:06 PM
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Quote:
Would make me wonder what else he's not telling me. Know this is tough for you.
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#6
May 13, 2015, 03:39 PM
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I'm sorry but, IMO, there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with that!! You better run and you better run fast and you better run FAR FAR AWAY! I read some of your other posts and it seems you are not too good at picking men, by your own admission. You deserve to have someone who will love and care for you. If you can, do what you said you wanted to do....move back home and please get some professional help to figure out why you pick abusive and now CREEPY men. Big hug for you. I wish only the best for you for the rest of your life. Please help yourself and do it now, don't wait....the days are long but the years are short!
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#7
May 13, 2015, 04:22 PM
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I'm so sorry that you had to hear this devastating news.
You want to save the relationship if possible, but you recognize that it may not be possible. You could take a week or two to live with the news while minimizing contact with him and see if your initial horror seems like it could soften, and think about what if anything could conceivably save the relationship (e.g. counseling for him, I would guess that he is carrying a lot of guilt right now, and you would need serious assurance that he is nowhere near as troubled now as he obviously was at that time). I only mention this because you speak so highly of wanting to save the relationship if possible. Quote:
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| Trippin2.0
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#8
May 13, 2015, 04:47 PM
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Maybe this is a bit of a tangent, but here goes....
I think that we all do stupid things in life. I don't think its necessary for anyone to reveal every past transgression in order to have a healthy relationship. I'm not saying that we should lie, but at the same time, everyone deserves to be able to move past the stupid crap they've done previously. I question why he'd come out an tell you this. I don't know what I'd personally do if someone told me this...but the truth is that we all have our limits to what we can and cannot accept. |
| eeyorestail, Iguanadon, s4ndm4n2006, Trippin2.0
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#9
May 13, 2015, 04:58 PM
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I'm really not sure why everyone is making a big deal about this, honestly. Kids and preteens do some really strange things because they are growing up and a lot of weird experimentation often goes on. Does no one know this or something? This is a common thing that kids and preteens do (weird sexual experiments like dry humping, especially boys) I once saw a kid getting a little too friendly with a starbucks chair and his mother didn't even notice.
I wouldn't care if my bf told me that, I WOULD care if he actually had sex with the dog though. If I were your boyfriend I wouldn't have even told you that. Ever. So the fact that he told you that (too much info in my opinion) means he can be trusted.
__________________
"Re-examine all you have been told, dismiss what insults your soul." - Walt Whitman "Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." - Christopher Hitchens "I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience." - Mark Twain |
| s4ndm4n2006, Trippin2.0
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#10
May 13, 2015, 05:20 PM
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ok then I guess I'm old fashioned here cause to me that is rather perverted behavior. Maybe I'm wrong, IDK I didn't have any boys. Are they really that... ...WEIRD?? And how old was this guy when he did this?
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#11
May 13, 2015, 05:21 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"Re-examine all you have been told, dismiss what insults your soul." - Walt Whitman "Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." - Christopher Hitchens "I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience." - Mark Twain |
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#12
May 13, 2015, 05:24 PM
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okay then lol Actually if you You tube it...there's some footage SHEESH
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#13
May 13, 2015, 05:50 PM
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Obviously this is something that really bothers him, and he wants someone to still accept him, knowing his deepest, darkest secret and his greatest shame. It's a heavy burden to carry.
On one hand, what he did is reprehensible, regardless of his reasoning. He may now have it programmed into his brain, and he could do something even worse in the future. On the other, people can change. People can overcome their horrible pasts and learn to live with themselves, and be better people because of it. Just because he did something horrible once, doesn't mean he'd even consider doing it again. I think one-on-one therapy for him, and couples therapy for both of you would be very helpful in this situation. He needs to come to terms with his own past, learn to forgive himself, and move forward. As a couple you need to evaluate things. Maybe it's not something you can look past. Maybe he needs time to work through his guilt and grief and get through it, and a relationship may hinder his progress. Maybe it's something you can work through together and strengthen your bond. Either way, good luck. It's not an easy situation to be in. |
| hannabee, Trippin2.0
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#14
May 14, 2015, 02:03 AM
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Teenage boys engage in all kinds of depraved sexual activity.
As long as he's not, um, being intimate with dogs anymore, let it go. |
| s4ndm4n2006, Trippin2.0
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#15
May 14, 2015, 02:59 AM
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Children do stupid stuff, even shameful, depraved stuff.
A 14 year old is a child... Now if your bf said "I currently have a beastiality problem and I'm cheating on you with the neighbors hot goat" THEN I would say RUN, RUN far away and never look back. But, we all have our own lines in the sand, I can't draw yours for you. That's not to say I would be comfortable hearing this news myself, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't ruin my relationship. I also think he needs counseling, not because I fear he still does this or wants to do this, but he clearly has not moved past this, and is probably telling you as a form of seeking absolution of sorts. A therapist may be just what both of u need.
__________________
 DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD  "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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| Bill3, hannabee, s4ndm4n2006
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#16
May 15, 2015, 03:58 AM
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Sorry it must be tough on you.
I really don't know why he had to tell you though. Some things are better remain untold. I find the fact that he felt a need to share actually more disturbing than dry humping dogs. Also when people say dry jumping isn't same as having sex...ok let's say your husband tells you that he dry humps other women but doesn't have intercourse with them. Would you consider it is ok as long as he didn't have intercourse or would you see it as same as having sex? I kind of see dry humping animals as having sex just not inter course Sorry again, this is tough Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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#17
May 15, 2015, 04:16 AM
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The statute of limitations for dry-humping a dog runs out after eight years in Canada, so your boyfriend is in the clear. Experiment with forgiving him. The dog, if still alive, has likely long ago forgotten the incident or worked through it in therapy.
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| s4ndm4n2006
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#18
May 15, 2015, 04:41 AM
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Quote:
Ok I needed the laughs this morning. Not like any of it is laughing matter in general Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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#19
Jun 06, 2015, 11:52 AM
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Quote:
However, because I was naïve (and, to be honest, headstrong), I ignored the red flags and attempted to offer compassion and understanding for his situation. As the months wore on, he divulged increasingly disturbing stories that made it difficult for me to ignore the red flags. These stories (among other reasons) led me to the decision to break up with him. While your boyfriend has divulged only one strange story, I am curious as to how many others he may have. How long have you two been together? If it's only been a couple of months, I would tread carefully, for I suspect this is only the first of many disturbing stories. Like my ex-boyfriend, he may very well continue to express similar experiences. If it truly was an isolated incident that occurred nine years ago, the relationship does have a chance to be healthy. Fourteen year olds are known to be experimental, and when under a great deal of stress, it will drive them to partake in abnormal, destructive, or painful behavior. Go with your heart. Don't ignore it. If you have a therapist or a close friend, talk with them about it. I hope things will work out for you.
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#20
Jun 06, 2015, 12:02 PM
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What's really weird is that he told you that. If he doesn't do this behavior anymore and he did it one time ten years ago, why tell you? That seems odd to me.
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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