[deadend123]

ok, this is gonna be long.
it is 3 years ago that i started my classes with a friend. who used to be in my college, as the fate had it we enrolled in the same course in uni, he became one of my best friends, like a friend i never had in my entire life, we hung out and practically were inseparable for almost 2 years, as we became more close we involved romantically and had a relationship for like 8 months and it ended because we both acted like teenagers and became really controlling and *****y, he was abused in his childhood and so did i, so all those insecurities and behaviors we had opted in our bringing up with those abuses come into play and we broke up, somehow we managed to stay in touch through mutual friends, but mostly we didn't meet or talk for a year with each other. then somehow with his initiative we started to talk and developed a nice friendship which was mostly about going out and playing at the local club, but somehow i still get jealous and really insecure when i dont get his attention, i dont wanna feel that way, he mostly hooks up with guys and has casual sex and i just cant stand that thought. i just dont want to give that kind of control to him, he usually becomes very charming to me for a week or so during our hangouts and then shut himself up wont even return my calls and then he will become all charming again, and somehow it feels so good to have his attention back that i forget the old things pretty much in a minute. One thing that I want to mention is he is really sarcastic and won’t ever admit his fault and and he is really selfish in a way that he wont help me on occasions where he has to make an effort, on occasions where its easy for him to help, he will do it, while on the other hand I will go out of my way to help him, just to make him happy or comfortable, not because I am nice person. But simply cuase I just cant stand the thought of him being in a trouble or making him happy makes me happy up til now although the relationship ended 1.5 years ago,
should I just leave it?
Or work on my insecurities while hang on to him?
Is it me or him?

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are having relationship issues. Sounds like this person has some qualities that complement yours but you also cannot get a committed relationship from him.

Be very careful and have only protected sex because he is having casual sex with people and is possibly an HIV risk.

Sarcasm is not the basis of a relationship. Maybe he is just in it for the excitement. You sound like you are trying to help him in the hope of having a fruitful relationship, but he seems like he is very stand offish.

Have you considered a therapist to help sort out your feelings?

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[deadend123]

thank you so much for your reply. yes i have consulted a local therapist in this regard, he advised me to stay away from him as according to him he has many issues starting with insecurity and childhood trauma, and according to the therapist, I am also emotional unstable and cant manage my emotions when introduce to this kind of situation, i took his advice and avoided him for like 1.5 year, but somehow we got in a position where we needed to interact and form a friendship,
the thing is he practically has no friend and it just breaks my heart to see him go like this in life, he mostly stays at home don't go out with anybody but me, i so want to help him in it but somehow i dont know why it hurts when he doesnt talk to me or give me his attention, or when he has sex with other people, it was 1.5 years ago, wasnt these kinds of feelings of jealousy suppose to go after this much time?

[CANDC]

Deadend, feelings can be deeply seated even deeper than our recent memories. I agree with your therapist. Stay away. Create a new life for yourself.

Welcome to Psych Central. This can be part of your new life if you choose it to be. It can be a place to make friends and share.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share

[Ruftin]

(((deadend))) I'm a true believer in avoiding "missionary" dating to save the other person at the cost of sacrificing your own mental health and happiness. You have needs of your own that are not being valued and the relationship sounds one sided. If the other person is not building you up they are pulling you down and most likely using you on an as needed basis. Don't continue to offer yourself up like that. You sound like a fabulous and caring person. There are many others in this world who would be willing to treat you with mutual respect and kindness.

[deadend123]

thank you for your time and advice, i really appreciate it,
i know my needs and mental health is being compromised by being in this but there is a part of me who feels really sad when i see him sad or depressed, i just cant figure out the way he is whether its just his depression or he is like that as a person?
moreover i just want everything best for him and i just want him to be happy, as i stated previously, a text message from him can make my day, i just feel so valued when he contacts me, i am terribly afraid and angry with myself for giving him this much control but somehow i just cant help it.

[Bill3]

it was 1.5 years ago, wasnt these kinds of feelings of jealousy suppose to go after this much time?

The 1.5 years seems like a long time, but one reason the feelings of jealousy persist is that you still are in regular contact with him. I expect that actual permanent separation from him will reduce those feelings.

the thing is he practically has no friend and it just breaks my heart to see him go like this in life, he mostly stays at home don't go out with anybody but me, i so want to help him in it

It sounds like right now he isn't interested in changing the way that he lives. Perhaps you are more invested in him changing than he himself is.