[rr13]

So after doing some reading online this morning, I think another big problem I have from childhood, which is still affecting me as an adult, is that I was emotionally neglected by my parents. I only have one sibling, a brother, a year and a half older. He started drinking at the age of 9 (we had a bar in our basement growing up) and started doing drugs in junior high. He spent his entire teenage and college years and adult years in and out of jail, getting fired from every job, stealing from my parents, etc. My parents spent the majority of my childhood into my 20's literally ignoring me because they were so focused on bailing my brother out of jail or dealing with him in general.

I've always compared myself to that psychology experiment with the monkees who had the wire mother and the cloth mother. I've always felt disconnected and had a hard time just talking to people, and I think it's because I wasn't taught how to show emotions growing up, and when I did show them, I was put down for having them. I was always criticized for being overly sensitive. My parents made it very clear that I wasn't important enough to care about, that my brother's problems would always come first. So in addition to having low self esteem from being verbally abused, I also never felt loved or that I even mattered to my family. I think this has stuck with me, especially since even now my parents still show me thru their actions that I don't matter to them. I think as much as you try and give yourself the love that you need, no one ever completely gets over feeling like their parents didn't love them.

I've ordered a couple books on amazon this morning relating to overcoming this issue and just healing in general for adults who lived in dysfunctional families. I'm hoping this will help me until I can afford professional therapy.

[cloudyn808]

Aloha rr13, your story is very familiar to me. Yes, being "ignored" is how I describe my childhood. It can be very painful and has caused me untold grief in my adult life. What has helped me the most is learning how to "parent" the little girl inside me who is so hurt. Feeling rejected or unwanted by parents can be devastating especially for those of us who are very "sensitive" and most in need of love & affirmation when young. I hope you find some tools to help you cope with these feelings... Just know that you ARE worthwhile, ARE worthy of love and ARE important to others. Sending big hugs your way...

[Bill3]

rr13, you are doing a lot of work and developing a lot of insight. Good job!

[rr13]

I think that's why I always thought I didn't need therapy. I never needed anyone to tell me why I was doing the things I did or where they came from, but the fact that I'm still repeating the same mistakes again and again and ruining friendships over it, tells me I need more help finding solutions. Just knowing isn't good enough anymore.

I guess that's what I need to do is figure out how to parent the sensitive little girl inside me who still feels unloved and rejected.

My so called "friends" keep telling me now that I'm over 30 I can't keep blaming my parents anymore, but I think when you were abused so badly growing up, it's not that you're blaming them, but what they did to you has had a long lasting effect. I hear all the time that you have to give yourself what your parents didn't give you. How do you do that?

[Bill3]

My basic thought about self-healing would be something like this.

1. Figure out what you do, what behaviors, that can be traced back to childhood neglect. For example, maybe you don't say what you think, because whenever you did/do, you would be/are verbally abused. Make a list.

2. Pick out one or two items on the list to focus on. let's call it X.

3. Notice, without judging yourself, each time you do X. Simply notice. "Oh, there is X again." "Wow, look, X is over here too."

4. Over time, as you notice, your mind can start to find other ways to do things, healthier ways than X. This can happen without you necessarily being aware of it. One day you might suddenly realize, "Wow! That time I didn't do X!"

When you can see a T, I definitely recommend that. But the above could be a positive step in the absence of a T.

[rr13]

Thanks Bill! I think that's why I'm beating myself up right now over this friend I think I've lost. I kept telling myself the entire way not to make the same mistakes I made with another friend 10 years ago, but I ended up doing the same things anyway.

That list is a good idea. I'll definitely work on it.

[tearsinabottle]

I was emotionally neglected i childhood too. I understand the tremendous grief you carry because of this. We need to try learn to love ourselves and try let go of the past. I know its very difficult to move on from such grief. I still carry grief too.

Books is good, it can help you and be of support. Know that you are precious and to be told that you dont matter more than your brother is not true. I hope you know this truth.

My brother was kinda scapegoat and wasnt allowed to talk to me in living room, he got beaten some times, I remember seeing it. He took his own life.

Be good to yourself.

[SeekingPerspective]

Originally Posted by rr13

So after doing some reading online this morning, I think another big problem I have from childhood, which is still affecting me as an adult, is that I was emotionally neglected by my parents. I only have one sibling, a brother, a year and a half older. He started drinking at the age of 9 (we had a bar in our basement growing up) and started doing drugs in junior high. He spent his entire teenage and college years and adult years in and out of jail, getting fired from every job, stealing from my parents, etc. My parents spent the majority of my childhood into my 20's literally ignoring me because they were so focused on bailing my brother out of jail or dealing with him in general.

I've always compared myself to that psychology experiment with the monkees who had the wire mother and the cloth mother. I've always felt disconnected and had a hard time just talking to people, and I think it's because I wasn't taught how to show emotions growing up, and when I did show them, I was put down for having them. I was always criticized for being overly sensitive. My parents made it very clear that I wasn't important enough to care about, that my brother's problems would always come first. So in addition to having low self esteem from being verbally abused, I also never felt loved or that I even mattered to my family. I think this has stuck with me, especially since even now my parents still show me thru their actions that I don't matter to them. I think as much as you try and give yourself the love that you need, no one ever completely gets over feeling like their parents didn't love them.

I've ordered a couple books on amazon this morning relating to overcoming this issue and just healing in general for adults who lived in dysfunctional families. I'm hoping this will help me until I can afford professional therapy.

Being ignored by a parent is just as damaging as being abused. I was abused and ignored. My parents put their energy into my younger sister. She was going to be the star (for a lack of a better word) and it hurt. Someone telling you, you're sensitive is the same as, shut-up. Your not overreacting your feelings matter. Sounds like your Parents don't know how to love or show emotion. A personality like this, would see anyone as too sensitive! I'm sorry your brother had issues and it consumed your parents. The fact that your reaching out for advice, demonstrates how strong you are. It also says, your don't want to repeat this pattern of abuse. Counseling is awesome! Books are really helpful too. When I desperately needed counseling, I found an office that could bill me based on my current income (sliding scale). My visits were $15. I too, had worked out a lot on my own, but it was helpful just to talk someone and be heard. Sending light and love.

[tearsinabottle]

Telling someone they are too insensitive is abuse. I heard the same words once.

I agree that people saying this have a lack of empathy.