[Seqoya]

Hello,

I'm fairly new to this site.

I am a heterosexual female. I would like to be married. But I'm afraid of marriage and dating because my step-father was abusive. I've also heard other horror stories from other women.

Is anybody else afraid of getting married because of past abuse?

How do you know if a prospective marriage partner is abusive and controlling or not?

Thank You for responding.

[Soul Quake]

I wouldn't use the word "afraid." More like apprehensive. I am not interested in a relationship, let alone marriage. I've learned you can't trust anyone. I went out with someone who I thought was a great person. He had tons of friends, close to his family, kind to a fault...or so I thought.

We moved in together and everything changed. He become emotionally abusive, manipulative, invalidating. I would ask him to do things, however minute, and he would whine.

From my experience everyone has a secret or something they're not proud of. How and when it manifests is another issue.

[arundelle]

I don't think I'll ever be married, but not because I'm afraid of it. On the contrary, if you had a relationship that worked, I think it would be fabulous. I'm just not capable of being loved, so, it's not in the books for me.

I think you're not afraid of marriage but abuse, which is a really sane fear. Therapy could help you sort it out.

[StuckinRut]

I'm not keen to get married or for that matter to have children. My parents remain together but my mother was quite unhappy for many years. I feel it's important to have a lot in common and to share a strong bond otherwise there's a danger of becoming one of those couples who go to dinner but have nothing to say to each other all night. I think some counselling might help, both for you and myself. In my view it's important to take time to get to know someone and live together for a while prior to getting married. Living together puts a certain strain on a relationship and the dynamics of the relationship change to accommodate this new situation. During this time also you can make a more accurate assessment of the persons character.

[Perna]

I did not have children, partly because my stepmother was abusive and I was afraid I would be too (mostly though because my husband already had 3 sons, had "been there done that" and I would have wanted my children to have had an interested, involved father; too, I was almost 40 when I married).

I got to know my husband, dated/lived with him for 5 years before we married. I watched how he treated his mother, his ex-wife, me, my stepmother, friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc. People don't suddenly change (unless they suddenly become ill and the illness alters their behavior/mental state) so, paying attention to how you feel about how someone treats you, not just "out" at restaurants/on dates but at home and hanging out and not doing much and watching how they treat others, especially women, should tell you a lot about the person and whether you want to be with that person, feel safe with them and loved/cared for. How they respond to what you have to say, your worries, whether they try to help you with your concerns, etc. are all important things to consider.

[divine1966]

I am afraid to get married as I don't want to go through another divorce if things go sour. My last relationship lasted almost 9 years and was live-in and break up was tough (initiated by me and causing him much anguish and year later he still didn't lose hope I come back) but at least we were not married or it would be way too much to handle! Yes marriage scares me primarily due to divorce rate, it is 70% in second marriage. I am pretty much screwed!

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[bubbles00]

Hmmm I have the same issue (although marriage isn't in my book for a couple of years... err I hope not lol)

but yes I am scared of marriage because of that. I grew up surronded by toxic relationships; I was terrified.

My parents have always hated each other (at one point my mom told me love isn't a real thing and I believed it). Plus I personally know of women who had abusive relationships; it made me even more scared (my older sister was in a very abusive relationship as well). So I understand where you're coming from

As somebody already mentioned above, therapy might help you. Just letting it all out and working on it.

"How do you know if a prospective marriage partner is abusive and controlling or not?"
I think the answer to this is lots and lots of trust. Really get to know him before diving into anything

[Candicindi13]

I've avoided the whole idea of it my whole life im 48. I feel Id be trapped and most important is having a good relationship. So far haven't had one I'd even consider marrying. Marriage is legal and says UR sposed to be w this person nope I'm too scared for that

Kathi

[Seqoya]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

[avlady]

i agree with everyone here but i think Perna said it best!!

[brainhi]

We are living much longer. Marriage could be "part" of our "journey". I will probably never get married again... but it was part of my life at one time. It was both good and bad. We did not have children so when it was time for the next chapters of our lives ... although, very difficult..it made it a little easier.