[Yismymindblank12]

It's like an obsession not really that, more like a confusion. I never know when anyone is honest with me. I feel everyone is a back stabber I'm the crazy one and I shouldn't deserve to live or feel. When I openly express this I get treated with anger and resentment towards me. Like every time I feel I did something wrong every time I need someone they never show up except to get mad when I'm bothering their day.

You aren't my friends you don't love me. You're not my family. I'm the joke, please just throw me away get a hitman to kill me or something. Just do away with me. I'm tired of feeling scared out of my mind that someone wants me dead and mentally scared and tortured. I'm sick of it.
I can't remember a day in my life where I wasn't like this.

[healingme4me]

I'm not certain that many like having their honesty second guessed. Can be a bit of a damper.

[A Red Panda]

If you feel like everyone is a backstabber, and that they aren't honest with you..... that's definitely one way to push away any potentially genuine friendships. Very few people are going to have the patience to withstand those accusations.

True, some people ARE backstabbers and aren't honest. But everyone? No.

If you have such strong feelings and beliefs about the fact that people want you dead.... you really need to talk to a professional. That level of paranoia isn't healthy at all.

Also, something to think about: very, very few people consider killing someone worth the cost of going to jail. Even less would have the money or access to hire a hitman. It would take an incredibly dedicated, wealthy, and well-connected human being to accomplish that.

Thinking that everyone wants that, or should want that, about you is actually incredibly selfish.

If their hatred is that strong, they certainly aren't going to spend any time around you if they don't have to. If you make those sorts of statements to them, it's going to just breed hate in them because no one likes to be accused of something like that.

So.... to help yourself and your chance of having any friendships, I really hope you'll find some help. Your paranoia is pushing people away, which is reinforcing your paranoia. Vicious cycle to be stuck in!

[avlady]

yes this does sound like a vicious cycle, you should talk to a t and get a doc. parinoia may destroy ya as the song goes.

[tearsinabottle]

I agree with the others. People will withdraw if they know you feel they are a threat to you. I hope you will seek professional help with the paranoia.

[blackhawk2415]

Try taking a hiking trip. My friend was having similar problems. He took a 3 day trip and he came back a new man.

[Yismymindblank12]

Ok, I get post traumatic stress disorder stuff when I post this. I get scared out of my mind and suicidal because of it. It's not serious. I do not trust many people, I don't associate myself with those people. It's hard to explain it distorts reality and I get confused that everyone hates me. Sometimes I don't care to explain and go with that I'm crazy to just avoid them. I don't do this a lot with people I know.

The only part that made it a cycle was my lack of emotional self awareness of my emotions of painful ones. I'm feeling over something that shouldn't bother me. It's ptsd at it's finest. I'm getting better at it.

I also had a realization. I have it much harder than most people mentally, I struggle internalizing my struggles to keep friends and trying to being sane while maintaining a confusing time. It's not really that bad. After 17 years of abuse and struggling with isolation. I felt therapy doesn't help much.

I feel I came to a realization today. I shouldn't get to hard on myself when I'm down anymore, because I hate being here so I don't deserve to be suffering here anymore.

I saw a childhood friend, and in my mind some bizarre trigger of whatever came in to being. I realized it's my fear that I'll die alone and unhappy. I can change that I get pushed around a lot and when I'm upset I'm not allowed to be in my house. It's messed up, I have to cover my mouth when I cry it sometimes causes me to panic feeling like when I was scared I was taken hostage before by a neighbor. So it brings bad memories back.

Before you judge and assume that I'm like this 24/7. I don't like talking about the real me that's good on here, because I fear being criticized, because I am exhausted. Not that I don't want to hear it.

[A Red Panda]

We can only base our opinions on what you show us.

Your posts consistently demonstrate that this is an incredibly pervasive feeling that you have. 24/7? No. But more often than not? Yes, that is how you come across.

How long were you in therapy?

[Yismymindblank12]

Since the age of 5 years old.
I was publicly ridiculed and shamed for being a male rape victim, but I wasn't a victim anymore when I chose to get better over years slowly to let go and control and conquer my hellish time in my childhood. I will continue to experience panic attacks with vivid hallucinations that followed being beaten and controlled repeatedly by 4 offenders that I trusted. I was a naive boy and I didn't deserve any of it. I find peace by making people smile. I am very funny and likeable on the outside what I post is my cloudiness from painful memories resurfacing. It gets very bad at very trying times, but I am the only one who can make it go away faster or easier.

I can't control when or how it shows up. I try not to damage anything and I've done very well over the years. I've not dated, found out I am transgendered and finally very comfortable with my body and the body I identify with and accepting man hood too in the mean time. I learned to let go negative people and help others in need being more mindful in the real world not online.

My point is, I'm aware your statement on everyone's observations on my posts. I did that from the get go. I needed an escape while my abusive ex who I didn't realize when it happened that she broken up with me and I was trapped in my own head and blamed others and not taking responsibility her actions weren't right either neither of us were perfect, but I never drank liquor so much to hit the crap out of someone I cared for she did that to me. It felt freeing that I won't let anyone control me period. I didn't let my own issues now or vices or sex desire to keep me close to someone or wanting to feel loved even if it meant lots of suffering.

It's hard to express myself online I can only do my best. Please don't be too harsh. You weren't before or anyone for that matter of just saying.