[Luksa]

Hello,
I would like to ask for advice.
I have really serious problem getting into any relationship with girl. Everytime its starting to be serious, I flee away... I really dont understand, every girl was great for me, but after few weeks, I always started to feel fear, even anxiety and I had to break up...
I dont believe these girls werent good for me and I just got bored, I really dont think so...
Does anyone has any experience with such a problem? I want to solve it, otherwise I will be alone for a whole life
Thank you

[kaliope]

hi luksa
it is really hard to say much with so little information but what you do say is "whenever things get serious" and "after a few weeks". For things to get serious after only a few weeks is way to fast so maybe that is why you are getting scared. Take it slower. Things dont have to get serious for months. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[CANDC]

Luksa, many people do not want to "get into a relationship." They may have bad experiences in the past and are very cautious. So Kaliope's advice is worth heeding. The rule of thumb I use is have furn and find common ground. Then when the person feels secure you may find you are already in a relationship without even asking them to be in one.

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am sorry you feel nervous but there are many kind and compassionate people here so you are free to feel at home here.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts).

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Luksa!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. You have already received great advice from the members above. Best wishes. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[Luksa]

hello all,
thank you all for your great posts.
main issue is that I cant identify what is my problem. Maybe I just want to be alone (but on the other hand, I feel alone without anyone), maybe I fear I lose my freedom... I dont know... but now, its 3rd girl I want to leave, just because of my fear and anxiety... all 3 were so great persons :/
I am just starting to feel thats something is wrong with me :-(
I will try to find a way how to slow down at least
Thank you much again.

[Webgoji]

I wonder if you lose interest once the chase is over? I've known people like that. Once they start to get into a more serious part of a relationship and this situation is more solid, then the excitement dissipates and the more mundane parts of the relationship start to take over, they start yearning for the excitement of the chase again. Not sure if that's the case, just something that popped into my head.

[Luksa]

maybe its similar to me, but Iam not sure.... I usually dont want to chase them again, because I know, I would get hurt again... and I would hurt them as well... but I know what you mean, chasing girls is always cool, but I am afraid to make a next step... maybe my head wants to chase girls forever, not be in a relationship :-(

[somethingasdf]

When this happens to me I'm usually looking for a problem with the relationship so I have a reason to break up.

I've done this because I'm afraid of the unknown and I'd rather do the whole thing (find a new person, 1st starbucks, 1st trip, etc etc all over again and again).

I've done this before because the honeymoon phase wears off and I run out of ideas - I've dated a lot of people to create experiences for myself, without specific regard for the other person.

Maybe you're in a frame of mind where you might think that you can't have a meaningful relationship right now - and that any relationship you're getting into now isn't going to be "the one" so it has trivial meaning and point to sustain.

Sometimes I feel like I can do better and that I'm settling and that pretty soon something bad is going to happen that will solidify that relationship into something that I won't be able to escape...

It sounds to me though that you want to be chasing girls and you need to just do that for awhile and figure out more about yourself

[Luksa]

maybe you are right...
anyway, I decided to fight with my fears, I want to be with girl I met last... sure, Im afraid, but living with her wouldnt be bad at all
time will show me if I can handle to beat everything negative in my head
thank you all

[CrewCut]

Luksa,

I wanted to chime in on this also because you are not alone. I went through a terrible divorce 10 years ago (that I did not want) and since then, I have a fear of getting too close to anyone. It has been a huge struggle for me.

I met a wonderful woman about 1 ½ years ago and the relationship went too fast. After about 3 months, I started getting scared that I would lose my independence, that maybe she wasn’t the right one, etc, etc. We even broke up for a while and that in of itself was extremely painful. I broke up with her completely out of fear.

After being apart for about 3 months, we decided to slow everything down and to try again. We decided to work on being friends and not see each other quite so often. We decided to continue our individual lives but also date each other. That has helped me a lot. (And given that she would do this for me, shows me how much of a sweetheart she is.)

I am not going to say that I still don’t have relationship anxiety though. I can be with her and having a wonderful time and then bam, something hits me and I get scared. It is almost like I want to run and get away. I can’t really explain it and I never had this problem when I was married.

There are some good books out there. She’s Scared / He’s Scared is wonderful and you should read it.

In my research I have found there a lot of people with relationship anxiety.

[Luksa]

thats so great post :-)
I definitelly understand... it was like reading my own thoughts
thank you very much for your post and book recommend, I will try it.

[CrewCut]

Luksa,

What bothers me is that my x-wife treated me very badly for years. She cheated on me several times. But I stuck with her until I could not take it anymore. Even during the divorce, I wanted her back. But now I have a wonderful girlfriend that treats me so wonderfully, and I get scared and want to run (at times).

I have dated quite a bit since my divorce but nothing serious until I met my current girlfriend.

I do believe that the trauma of my divorce did a number on me.