HELP HELP HELP -- Relationship problem

I need serious advice. I'm in a relationship with an objectively STUNNINGLY beautiful girl -- seriously a 10. We met in high school, dated, broke up, dated again--total, about 6 years together. Just recently got back together several months ago, and generally things are going well. While we were off I slept with two other women--she's only been with me. She's super smart, graduated from an ivy league college, and very successful. 100% marriage materail. Also for some reason loves the heck out of me.

Here's the problem--I'm 26 years old and I don't find myself that attracted to her sexually. She's got a rocking body, and SHE has a higher sex drive than I do most times. But I don't know what it is that makes me unattracted--maybe it's because there's just 0 challenge anymore and I can have her whenever I want. I find myself (very often) looking at and thinking about other women. There are times during the day when I feel so fantastic about our relationship and other times when I feel crappy--it's a freaking roller coaster and I don't know what to do about it. I'm so far in my own head it's crazy--part of me wishes that she would have slept with someone else at least when we were apart, but for some reason the fact that she's only slept with me ever bugs me I think, although I can't exactly pin down why. I want to get out of my own head and be happy with this girl. I love her--and I understand that the "mystery" of a new relationship or sexual encounter is something that I can't really have again, and that's fine. Help please!

No idea how to help you, I won't even lie.


All I can say is it seems to me that you haven't reached that point in life, where you're appreciative of the good in your life...


Idk if its a question of maturity, or if you just haven't suffered enough losses, but you seem to be in the "won't know what you have until its gone" camp.


When I was younger, my mom always said, never make a guy feel too safe. Once they catch on that you're theirs no matter what, that's when they become complacent and lose their appreciation for you.


It happened to me regardless of her words, and sadly I was devoted to the wrong man. My ex was so convinced I would never leave he actually beat the crap out of me, thinking I'd still stick by him.

Pfft.


Anyway, I see how your gf's devotion has brought about this response in you as well. You have no reason to question her devotion, no fear of the relationship sinking due to her wanting something or someone else, you've gotten way too comfy because you know she wont leave you.


Well, there's a down side to this comfy, women know when they're just part of the furniture and we don't like it. Consequences will ensue, sooner or later.


You're not a child anymore, time to get your priorities in order. Either decide to appreciate your gf and what you have, or risk killing it.

Maybe - you know you have a break up/make up pattern, and there's a part of you that doesn't want to be vulnerable anymore because you know you'll just end up getting your heart crushed again.

This is crap advice. There's nothing better than a devoted partner who you can trust. However, boring is boring - a better plan is to have some interests, you know, a life, rather than play silly games.

I know that advice isn't the best, and seems weird, but trippin i definitely understand where you mother was coming from. Part of me wants her to back off a bit and not be so loving, and make me work for it. But how in the world do I convey that to someone, especially after 6 years of being together? For example, I'm most turned on etc. when we go out and other guys stare at/hit on her. Is that just weird? And this is also weird, btu the though of her being with someone else doesn't really bother me that much (just sexually).

Basically, I think I take her for granted big time. I've been tyring to fight the feelings of complacency by subtelly pushing her away, giving subtle hints at upping the mystery, but I don't really know if that's even the right thing to do in the first place. I think I need some direction advice on how to handle it. I know honesty is always the best policy but this would be the convo: "baby I love you but sometimes I'm not attracted to you and think alot about other women. Please don't say I love you as much and push me away so I have to work for you and don't take you for granted." I don't see that going over so well. HELP

I agree. Life is too short to play games. And what about people making formal commitment? Should they worry about other person leaving in order for it to work ?

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Sorry you had abusive partner. But I doubt he beat you up because he knew you weren't leaving. He beat you up because he is abusive jerk. The point is that he was the wrong person not that you were devoted.

When people make formal commitment (marry or engage etc) they are devoted to each other and certainly don't need to worry the other person can leave any time. Playing games and worrying if other person leaves, cannot sustain true committed relationship for too long. Certainly not for life time. When partners know that they are both staying, it doesn't mean they gonna start treating each other like crap. That's of course if people are right for each other

The point isn't not not to become devoted but not to become devoted to wrong people. When if is right, true commitment is the right thing and isn't scary

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Dog I wonder if you focus on her looks and you two don't have much in common or much of a emotional connection. She might be gorgeous and smart but it doesn't mean there is anything deep between two of you.


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Thanks for the replies, even what's been said so far is helpful.

I think it's just a sexual thing... we definitely have a lot in common (same field) and she really is my best friend-- I look forward to sharing things with her, hearing about her day, etc. I just wish there was more sexual attraction there.

I know honesty is the best policy, but I don't imagine saying "hey babe, I find myself sometimes not very sexually attracted to you. I think a lot about other women, and I wish you would back off more/not give yourself to me so easily so that I feel like I need to work for you (or something)" would go over to well. I don't think this is break up worthy, but I'm a 26 years old and I don't feel like I should be feeling this complacent in my sex life at this young age. What can I do??

As a follow up, I seriously look at other girls and thing about them a lot -- in the office, walking through the street, etc. I don't think this is normal behavior... I totally get that I will always be looking at other girls and thinking they're pretty, whatever, but to be really thinking about it, I don't know. Maybe this is just a phase?

In my opinion, she deserves to be with someone who is sexually attracted to her. And you deserve to be with someone you're sexually attracted to. It would be great if we could simply choose who we are attracted to and if it always made sense! You can't force it.

I say if you were a bit older then testosterone goes down and sex overall might not be that important. But at 26? Maybe you are better off as friends. I don't think a woman needs to play hard to get fur a guy to want her. Do you want her to play this chasing game when you two are married ?

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FYI, it wasn't crap advice (I've seen it way too many times) and its not game playing, but no, obviously it doesn't pertain to a long term committed relationship like marriage.

For example, there's no place for that advice in my current relationship.


Geez people, don't be so narrow minded and rigid, besides OP has already proven it has merit, he's admittedly bored of her devotion.

What does she expect of you in the nonsexual parts of your relationship?

Yeah if you tell her she needs to push you away for you to be excited, it wouldn't go well. If she has self respect she won't play this silly "hard to get" game. It isn't healthy. I wonder if she is attracted to you? Honestly the strongest crazy desire I fell was always for very wrong men. My t says it feels intense because its familiar. Sometimes less intensity is good but then again if you think of other women that can't be good.,,,oh boy that's a tough one.

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You might be a guy who was just born to play the field.

He does seem to want to change it

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