[confusedincorpus]

My husband and I have been married for 25 years and we still don't express ourselves well. I have always been bad about expressing my needs and bottling things up, but I finally get the courage together to tell my husband that he is drinking too much and is not a very pleasant drunk and then he tells me that he is in serious pain from sciatica and an old knee injury. His doctor wants to put him on vicoden, but he doesn't want to take it. He hasn't told me about any of this. He just decided to dull the pain with beer.

So here I've been upset and unhappy because he's really obnoxious when he's drunk (not violent or mean, just loud and pushy), and he tells me why he's doing it and I feel guilty and bad for bringing it up.

I just want to go hide by myself and not have to take care of anyone else for a while.

[Beowulf]

Do not feel guilty, you could not have known that and drinking is not a good way to dull the pain. Maybe you two could go to marriage counseling to talk about your problems communicating? Or just talk to your husband. Tell him how much you dislike him drinking.

[Rose76]

I went through 7 years of living with a man who was pushy, obnoxious and argumentative when he drank (not violent though.) After 7 years I left. Eventually, he stopped drinking and we got back together . . . 5 years later. I highly recommend Al-Anon. Read as much of their literature as you can.

I totally understand how your quality of life is being ruined.

Vicodin is a way better pain killer than beer, but combining them can be fatal. Your husband's interest in drinking is probably not just for pain relief. Also, the way he acts under the influence is showing some bad attitudes that are there all the time. Being in pain does not justify him making life miserable for you. Sooner or later, we all deal with pain issues.

I've never heard of a drinking problem being solved by marriage counseling. You might have to leave him, before he'll care about stopping . . . and he may not, even then.

What I learned from Al-Anon was that it was not my job to try and control my guy's drinking. I couldn't, if I wanted to. I basically just left and moved on with my life.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

[divine1966]

I left alcoholic as well. He struggles with me being gone and wants me back yet he still isn't sober. Not because he is a jerk or doesn't want me. He is a good person and still loves me. But Because it is addiction that is very hard to beat.

Using alchohol as pain killer is a bad idea and frankly unintelligent

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[healingme4me]

I also married and lived with an alcoholic. Leaving out the handful of physical moments, he wasn't even obnoxious when drinking. He stopped drinking in marriage for a while, but that didn't handle the underlying childhood wounds that he had. It was a relationship that lacked the ability to grow and mature, not that I didn't work my side of it through alanon, therapy, support and self help. Five years divorced, he still needs a caregiver and he's back to drinking. His drinking drives a wedge between him and the three children, especially our oldest. My oldest is growing into his teens discovering that their bond will come to be as though oldest is the parent figure.
Yes, alcoholism is called a disease, yet it's really a choice.
I can also, appreciate your h's hesitation on pain meds. If he can't control alcohol, that's a next step towards worse.
Sending you warm thoughts