[unhappyteacher]

Ok, I'm basically writing this to be getting it off my chest, because deep down I know that I can't be fixed. But I have to find a way to accept that this is my life, so I'm trying to accept it.

I don't even know where to start...well, I'm a single choice, because my parents couldn't afford a second one, but that never bothered me at all. I am loved by my parents, they were always supportive of anything I did even when I made the most stupid choices like moving to another country for 6 months, because I was under the impression I had to do this for my CV.

What I can tell you about me is that I always felt like it was normal for everyone else to be in a relationship or to even like someone, but it wasn't for me. My parents don't say anything to me about my failed love life. The only thing that has come up recently was when I complained to my mom about how little money I make and how little I can afford, because I do not have that second income all of my friends have. She said: "Well get a boyfriend then!"

To be absolutely honest I don't think anyone, including my parents, see my as the type of person that is worthy of a relationship.

My parents keep bad mouthing my female friends' choices regarding husbands and boyfriends and I have always thought: "Ok then I'll never introduce you to anyone, because I don't want you bad mouthing my choice, too." I brought that up once and my mother said she would never do that. I guess her bad mouthing I just her way of compensating the fact that her daughter never had a boyfriend or even went on a date.

I don't have any friends at all, I am overweight for 8 years now (I went from 135 to 245 - people tell me I look overweight but not like 245 whatever that means), I haven't gone out for 5 years and I have no intention of going out.

I can't do online dating, because I don't want my picture on the internet after having had bad experiences with it as a teenager.

None of that were conscious decisions, it just happened.

Right now I feel like I have gotten to a point where it's simply pointless to even try to get better for myself, because no one was interested in me when I was normal looking and of course no one is interested in a 245pounds me.

And I wanna spare myself of the embarrassment of having to admit to someone that I know as much about relationships as a 12 yr old.

At the same time I have become super afraid of having to live alone.

So any tips on the road to accepting my path are welcome!

[CANDC]

Hello unhappyteacher. Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am sorry you have suffered from relationship issues and family stresses. Glad you have joined our community.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts).

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Bill3]

Have you ever spoken to a therapist? If so, what was it like for you? If not, what would you think of speaking to one?

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central unhappyteacher!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. You are worthy of a relationship!!! Self esteem is hard when you compare yourself to others. Not everyone you think is happy, actually is. You have to focus on yourself and what makes you happy and focus on that. Therapy would be a good start. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[kaliope]

hi unhappyteacher
when i saw the line about "i can never be fixed" i thought this would be easy to answer because i dont know how many times i have said that, but then this didnt turn out to be a mental health question. but then i can still identify with your issue. in a way. did you ever get the message that no man would ever want you? that was the message i got from my mom most my life, because i was overweight. so i took whoever expressed an interest cause i figured no one else would want me and had a couple really bad relationships. traumatic abusive relationships. so now i have been alone for a very long time. ive lost weight to where i am now an xl, but i am tall, but i still feel no one would ever want me. that message is pretty much ingrained in me. but after the bad relationships i enjoy the freedom i have in making my own choices. i like watching whatever i want on tv, making whatever i want for dinner or not making dinner at all, going to bed whenever i want and moving around in bed as much as i want, cleaning or not cleaning, not being yelled at, coming and going as i please, spending money on whatever i want. when i start feeling down about being alone, i think about giving all that up and it changes my mind really quick...lol. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

the only thing i can say i've learned for sure from spending the majority of my time in solitude with occasional desperate pangs of loneliness is that using the idea of another person as a motivator to somehow improve my situation never worked. i've consciously lost something close to 60 lbs now in the last 5 or 6 months and am at a relatively healthy weight again, and yeah, i'm still the same solitary person as before but i actually do feel SO MUCH better.

not being winded changing a tire or walking flights of steps, being able to throw something on without having to check out the different mirror angles, and just generally feeling like i'm wearing my clothes again instead of my clothes wearing me. maybe it's one of those cliche things, i don't know, but i feel like to make that sort of improvement - weight and self-esteem, the change sometimes (often?) has to come from within. you may still be single and feel bad if you lose weight. but you may also feel better. it's not always a black and white thing.

i can relate to where you're coming from, though. with each passing year i grow a little more content with my own company and a little more accustomed to the idea that i will spend my life alone. i think the silver lining with acceptance is that we're able to start focusing on other things.

that said, it's probably not the 'best' path to take. i don't know if you're in therapy/treatment, but that could also be immensely helpful even if all feels hopeless now.

[waggiedog]

Hello dear unhappy teacher and a big WELCOME to psych central and all of the great things it had to offer.
I too have big weight issues of long standing, 30 years and have had/have all of the eating disorders. It's a very isolating place to be I know. Please do come and share your challenges here as there are many folk feeling the same way as yourself. HUGS. Xxx

[iwonderaboutstuff]

You don't have to accept this is your life, if you really want it to be different, and it sounds like maybe you do (since you've considered internet dating).

Sure, it's scary to put yourself out there and risk rejection, or feeling weird about your lack of experience. Fact is, we all go through that. Even "experienced" people feel insecure with a new person. Anybody who has put themselves out there has had people they wanted to connect with and didn't, relationships that never really got off the ground, and those that ran their course and ended (naturally in a good way or even badly). When it doesn't work out with a specific person, that just means that's not the right person for you. It's not a reflection of either person's worth.

Less experience than those your age and extra weight are not necessarily negatives. Some guys like, even prefer, that.

If you decide to go for it, pay attention to the way a guy acts/behaves with you. That shows you who they really are, not what they say. The ones that are kind, considerate, respectful, those are the ones worthy of spending time with you. When it comes to the intimate stuff, don't worry about it. There's no right or wrong way. It's just important that it feels good and you're comfortable with what's happening. It's been different with every guy I've been with, because each combination of 2 people is different.

[PsychAL]

I'm 34 years old, and also currently single. I also face similar problems like you do as well. Most of the people I know in my life have found a relationship, while I haven't. For me though, being financially stable is the most important thing as I want to live a different life from the rest of my friends. Once I am financially stable, I may decide to start my own family, or choose to remain a loner for the rest of my life. When it comes to relationships, as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't have to be romantic. It can also be like a surrogate relationship.