I suffer from abandonment issues, in a strange way too... I am dismissive avoidant with most people.

My boyfriend, PTSD and Bipolar, ignores me for extended periods when he is down. I understand that he needs space but after a few days of no communication I feel like I want to die. The cycle is set, I crave his attention and it pushes him away even more.

I dont know what to do now, but I imagine the worse scenarios in the future if we should start a family.

Does it make sense for us to continue?

[l00king4answers79]

I have PTSD and bipolar and I have really bad paranoia. I think they key to a successful relationship is a mutual understanding of each other's disorders, as difficult as it might be. My boyfriend has depression social anxieties/phobias and it's hard cause I push away and then he will and I'll be clingy and he needs space. But I think it can work with the right mindset and a mutual want to make it work.

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Originally Posted by l00king4answers79

I have PTSD and bipolar and I have really bad paranoia. I think they key to a successful relationship is a mutual understanding of each other's disorders, as difficult as it might be. My boyfriend has depression social anxieties/phobias and it's hard cause I push away and then he will and I'll be clingy and he needs space. But I think it can work with the right mindset and a mutual want to make it work.

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We do try hard. He does try hard to hold it together. Iccan't understand though because he hold everything inside, I dont know what's wrong with him. He says its nothing to do with me but I doubt he would tell me if it was. He doesnt talk. Occasionally it gets so bad that I want to leave him, and he wins me back over, promises to talk to me at least a lil bit each day, then he disappears for another 3 or 4 days. Its been like this for about 2 months.

Sometimes I can't bother anymore, I stop missing him, I'm ready to be done.

[l00king4answers79]

Originally Posted by GirlMeditating

We do try hard. He does try hard to hold it together. Iccan't understand though because he hold everything inside, I dont know what's wrong with him. He says its nothing to do with me but I doubt he would tell me if it was. He doesnt talk. Occasionally it gets so bad that I want to leave him, and he wins me back over, promises to talk to me at least a lil bit each day, then he disappears for another 3 or 4 days. Its been like this for about 2 months.

Sometimes I can't bother anymore, I stop missing him, I'm ready to be done.

Well it seems you've made up your mind then.
It's hard to date with mental disorders, and if it's too much for you, you need to look out for yourself. Better to end it sooner rather than later.

That's just my opinion though.

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[A Red Panda]

You need an open conversation while he's baseline. Where expectations get set, so that both of your needs can be met.

It is indeed possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has bipolar, or any other mental health issue. It will sometimes require more work than other relationships might require.... but it's most certainly possible.

It sounds like you have opposite needs. Have the two of you ever talked about having a family? Because that would be a big thing for him - he cannot handle his depressions by ignoring the world if he has children in his life. Ignoring the world completely is not a healthy coping skill, and yes, that should probably be worked on by him!

That said... you can't make him change, and if he can't or isn't willing to make any changes right now then it's your call whether or not to stay and put up with it, or cut your losses and move on.

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

You need an open conversation while he's baseline. Where expectations get set, so that both of your needs can be met.

It is indeed possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has bipolar, or any other mental health issue. It will sometimes require more work than other relationships might require.... but it's most certainly possible.

It sounds like you have opposite needs. Have the two of you ever talked about having a family? Because that would be a big thing for him - he cannot handle his depressions by ignoring the world if he has children in his life. Ignoring the world completely is not a healthy coping skill, and yes, that should probably be worked on by him!

That said... you can't make him change, and if he can't or isn't willing to make any changes right now then it's your call whether or not to stay and put up with it, or cut your losses and move on.

I know I cant change him. I was just hoping he would realize and try to make changes himself. If its even to talk a bit about his feelings. Or what's going on in his mind. It hard to be empathetic when a person is just straight absent. He just doesnt talk at all.

Thanks for the encouragement. I hope he is willing to improve, sometimes I just feel like he is comforted by his routine, no need to change really. I am afraid to discover later, having invested years, that he just doesnt want to change.

In the past, he has expressed his desire for me to love him just the way he is... idk if that is even reasonable. not that there is anything wrong with it major but this is just one of the few things and makes our relationship seem unsustainable. Maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe I need to much. Maybe its best I just move on.

Originally Posted by l00king4answers79

Well it seems you've made up your mind then.
It's hard to date with mental disorders, and if it's too much for you, you need to look out for yourself. Better to end it sooner rather than later.

That's just my opinion though.

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I dont think its too mucih, its too little. Way too little. I'm feel single but I'm not. I haven't really made up my mind, I think we would need a real down to earth discussion before that. I dont really want to give up on him, I dont think that will help much. But this is unbearable now and would put me in a rage if we were married or had a family.

[A Red Panda]

You are capable of loving someone as they are but also expect to have your own needs met. It wouldn't be changing WHO he is, he'll still always need more space when he's in a depression. But he can learn to change his behaviour so that he doesn't alienate you and make you feel unloved. That doesn't change who he is as a person... it's just that he can and should learn better ways to cope with his depression.

[Rose76]

In the title of this thread, you are asking the wrong question, IMHO. Not all persons with Bipolar Disorder are the same, as I 'm sure you are not claiming. The better question is: "Is it reasonable for you to expect a normal relationship with this particular man whom you have been seeing?" There are people in very satisfying relationships with partners who have been diagnosed as bipolar. So the answer to your original question is "Yes, maybe. It has happened." But, so what? That's kind of irrelevant to your specific situation.

There are people without bipolar disorder who are impossible to get along with. Then there are bipolars who've achieved reasonably stable, satisfying relationships. So the fact that your guy has this particular diagnosis doesn't give anyone the right to say, "Oh forget it. Nobody can have a decent relationship with a bipolar person. Don't bother trying!" It all depends on the individual. It depends on him and it depends on you. Bear in mind that there could be a lot of other reasons why your relationship with him doesn't work out. He's got problems other than being bipolar. The combination of the bipolar issue and those other problems, taken together, may end up being more than you can deal with . . . or not.

It is reasonable to expect that the future with him is going to be a lot like the past. Base your expectations for the future on that.

[~Christina]

I have Bipolar .. my husband does not, there are times he just needs time to himself same as I do also , we have grown kids we can take these breaks.

We talked about it while I was stable and we both agreed it's okay! We agreed that if I am checked out more than a week then it needs addressed. At that point I want him to step in and bring it to my attention , its easy to lose track of time when your battling Bipolar depression.

If your ready to throw in the towel at day 3 then you need to really think if you should stay together. He's told you that it's not you, so its not like you are totally left in the dark hanging.

I hope you can both sit down and have a discussion about this and certainly don't threaten to leave him. That never makes things better and will lead to resentment and him feeling less than an equal in the relationship..

Good luck

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I have Bipolar .. my husband does not, there are times he just needs time to himself same as I do also , we have grown kids we can take these breaks.

We talked about it while I was stable and we both agreed it's okay! We agreed that if I am checked out more than a week then it needs addressed. At that point I want him to step in and bring it to my attention , its easy to lose track of time when your battling Bipolar depression.

If your ready to throw in the towel at day 3 then you need to really think if you should stay together. He's told you that it's not you, so its not like you are totally left in the dark hanging.

I hope you can both sit down and have a discussion about this and certainly don't threaten to leave him. That never makes things better and will lead to resentment and him feeling less than an equal in the relationship..

Good luck

At day 3 x 20 I'm ready to throw in the towel.. As I said before, it's actually been two months of this. I don't threaten to leave him either, I decide that I'm going to. There is no need for threatening really. I simply decide I may so well be single.

I am also going through it.. My own depression. As someone else said, we have opposite needs. Telling me it's not me then disappearing anyway is leaving me in the dark, still. Especially since he wouldn't tell me if it was me anyway, there is no way to know if I bothered him in some way until he gets in a rage and let's it out.

I guess we will have the discussion. Its just that idk when. Could be another month before he comes around.. Maybe more. Idk if he is actually working through his issues right now