[tiodlliwi]

My DH and my best couple friends are in the very begining stages of going through a divorce. They have been married a short 6 months and they say it just isn't working and that they shouldn't have gotten married. They are young (26) so part of me thinks that maybe it's for the best, cut their losses and start over if they aren't happy but part of me thinks that they are just not trying. Regardless, I'm not here to pass judgement on them but instead we are both trying to be supportive and as nuetral as possible. But it's hard! The husband is my husbands best friend (like a brother) and so we have offered up our couch while he looks for an apt- very short-term situation. But I do feel caught up in it and just needed to vent, I guess.

Has anyone been through this? And how do you do it? They think they can be friends and it seems like they plan on hanging out with our circle of friends together and possibly us as a foursome still. I am just not ok with this- they might be comfortable with that, but what about the people around them?

[sabby]

Hi tiodlliwi,

What about this is making you uncomfortable? Are you afraid of getting sucked into the "he said/she said" issues?

I have friends that are now separated after many years of marriage. They both come to me and talk to me about their side of the story. I do not go back to the other one and play the game of "he said/she said". I do not judge them for what they are going through. I only lend an ear and a shoulder because I love them both very much. I refuse to take sides and I told them both that.

Since they are only in the beginning stages of divorce there are many ways in which the situation could go. They may decide in a month to give it another try, they may hit the "anger" stage and things can get really messy, they may always stay friendly and work through their divorce easily.

Why not hang on and see how this all plays out before getting too worried or anxious over it

Hugssss
J

[Direction]

What Sabau2 said...

It may feel awkward at first - my ex and I are once again attending the same church service - something I would not have ever imagined. So who knows what will happen. There are many friends at church that cross over...

[Wants2Fly]

Tiod -- I agree with what Sabau and Directions have said.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((T)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[bebop]

just wondering why it would bother you for them to remain friends and go out socially? that is the best kind of divorce. staying friends. I applaud them honestly

[sunrise]

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They think they can be friends

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That's great! I applaud this couple for trying to have a "good divorce." They are trying to work things out and heal as best they can, and for them, maybe that will include being friends. It is hard to "go public" with your divorce. There is a societal message that divorces are bad. The ideal is presumed to be married couples. Friends take sides or are uncomfortable being around the former couple. Believe me, they will be able to feel that from you. Please open your heart for this couple. Divorce is not easy.

A great book for anyone interested:
The Good Divorce

[tiodlliwi]

First of all, thanks to everyone for responding. Honestly, I think that I was uncomfortale initially for a couple of reasons. First is that I knew more details than the husband and knew that more would unravel as time went on. I knew once some of this unfolded, it would not be as friendly as they were at first. Secondly, they came over to our place immediatly after they decided to divorce to share a bottle of wine and make a gesture to keep the friendship the same between the four of us. Although a divorce is between two people, my husband and I felt like we also had some processing to do and it was really uncomfortable. And, it's not really between just the two of them when they are both going around our social circle talking about each other negatively, both trying to "win" over friends. I'm not the type of person who can sit outside this situation and not feel something as I watch all of this happen. I want to be there for both of them but I don't want it to overwhelm my life. It gives me severe anxiety and I don't know how to handle it.

Those are the reasons I feel uncomfortable. Not necessarily them being friends- but the way it's being handled is akward to me.

I'm not generally closed-minded, but I guess it's just unfamiliar territory.

[bebop]

your first post made it sound like they are being really friendly, now you say they are bad mouthing the other one. I would just tell them to leave me out of it. you don't need the added stress

[tiodlliwi]

I know- what I meant was that initially, they were friendly but since I knew there was more to the story that would be unfolding to make things not-so-friendly, that's why it was weird for me.

Also, how do you NOT get emotionally overwhelmed when crisis hits someone you care about. I know it is not me that's going through this, but there are moments when it feels that way. I just carry the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes and care so much about the people around me, that it over takes me.

Additionally, I am so busy at work lately and feel sort of "crazy" this week.

Help! Oh, and please reassure me (anyone!) that despite my anxiety, I can someday be a good mother. This is one of my biggest fears.

[Direction]

It will probably be difficult for any divorce to be "friendly" at all times. It will probably have its ups and downs. Please let each of the know now (today) that you understand that they value your friendship and you do to. That you know that there may be some tough times ahead. That in order for you and your husband to remain friends that you will be unable to "take sides" or "agree with one and not the other". Letting them know ahead of time will hopefully lesson the awkwardness when it does happen - as it will happen even after this kind of discussion. Divorce is messy...

I'm sure there are plenty of individuals that are very successful at raising children dispite any mental health issues. I'm always amazed about the how well behaved comments I get about my three...

[tiodlliwi]

Thanks again to you all!

[sunrise]

I am going through divorce and I try not to share with mutual friends of my husband and myself. Those I confide in are "my friends only." I don't want anyone to have to feel they have to choose sides and I don't want to wreck my husband's relationships with our mutual friends by sharing stuff that could bias people against him. There are two sides to every story and I think with mutual friends, it is actually best if they hear ZERO sides rather than two conflicting tales that test their allegiances.