Need help with my relationship (long post)

Hi everyone,
I know I haven't been on here in awhile. I've been dealing with a major issue in my life over the past several months, and the best way I know how to deal with it is to ask for advice here. So please, bear with me.

It all started back in October. I had been dating my boyfriend at the time for almost two years. We got together around the time I graduated high school in 2013. At the time, I felt secure in my relationship with him, but that's about it. I knew he was enamored with me and yet I found it difficult to feel as passionate about him. It felt like something just wasn't there. I loved him but I was not "in love" with him, I guess. I work at a small bakery in my town that was looking for a new baker to replace the one that had just quit. They found a guy, 8 years older than me (I was 20 at the time), and I felt very attracted to him from the moment I saw him. Since we worked closely together it was easy for us to get to know each other. He was the reason I looked forward to going to work each day. As bad as it sounds, I liked the fact that at that time, I had someone to flirt with at work and a loving, stable boyfriend to come home to every day. He lived with me and my parents.

Around Thanksgiving is when things started to get more serious with my coworker. I wasn't 100% sure he was returning my advances but I was pretty certain. One day, December 3rd to be exact, he bought me a bottle of pop from the party store across the street, and I took this as a sign that it was for real. I went home that day incredibly uncertain of the future. I remember driving around town running errands, thinking to myself how messed up it was that I was thinking about this guy more than my own boyfriend, who was at work at the time. He got home awhile after I did. I remember being in the kitchen and seeing him walk up the driveway and feeling an immediate sense of dread. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him the situation. He packed his things and left.

The following days are a blur to me now. He'd call me on the phone asking if I was sure this was what I wanted, to which I hesitantly replied "yes". I cried and stopped eating and pretty much went to work and came home and went online until it was time for bed. I went on dating sites to fill the void left from his leaving. I met a boy my age who lived in the next town, talked to him for a few days and ended up going on a date with him. It was a casual fling that happened twice, then I never saw him again. I recognize now how much of a mistake this encounter was, but I've got no hard feelings toward him.

The following week, December 16th, I was talking to my coworker and ended up giving him my phone number. He left work and immediately texted me. We texted from the time we got out of work until we went to bed for several days afterward, and had our official first date sometime in between. He was incredibly shy and reclusive, preferring not to go out in public unless absolutely necessary. Our first and second dates involved taking long road trips and talking, stopping at Taco Bell on the way. I didn't mind, as I was just as nervous. I do admit, though, part of me has always been bothered by the fact that he doesn't like to go out for fun. My ex and I did this on a constant basis and I loved it. Our best memories are of going out to different places. This has been a big reason for the problems in my relationship.

On December 29th, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. We were both happy at first, but it quickly became clear to me that this relationship would not be without problems. Understandably, what bothers him more than anything else is when people lie to him. Within a couple weeks of us becoming a couple, he began to point out little seemingly insignificant things that I'd said that contradicted something I'd said earlier. I'd never had this problem in a relationship before, so I didn't even notice when this happened. It's like it was second nature for me to "lie" like I did. I didn't understand why I would intentionally hurt him by lying to him. It was things like if I'd said I liked a particular band after previously saying I disliked them. Things that didn't even cross my mind and yet seemed to upset him so easily.

I began to become afraid of my boyfriend, and at the same time I didn't want to leave him. I guess maybe I wasn't afraid of him so much as afraid that he'd catch me in another "lie". One issue that has remained a constant for me throughout our relationship is the fact that we disagree over what we both want for the future. I'm 21 now and I want to go to college (which I'm starting next month), get married and have children. Especially that last one. I feel that if I do not become a mother within my lifetime that I'll be missing out on a major part of life. A future without a child seems incredibly empty. He on the other hand does not want kids at all, and doesn't sound like he wants to get married either. He's 28 and feels that age 30 is the cutoff for having kids; that if he doesn't become a father by that age, he'll be too old and definitely won't want it then. He had a rough, poverty-stricken childhood and does not want his children to suffer the same way he did. He believes people in general are a menace to the earth and doesn't want to be responsible for making it worse. Every time this topic would come up in conversation, he'd end it with "...but it doesn't matter because we aren't having kids." I can't describe how this feels. I know I'm only 21 but I know the next few years are crucial. I feel heartbroken every time I hear him say this.

I guess the constant fighting about my lying behavior combined with the fact that we disagree on our future has made it very difficult for us to form a legitimate emotional connection. I had this type of connection with my ex, at least more so than I do now. As the days and weeks passed I found the thoughts I had in my free time would drift to him - wondering how he was doing, if he had met someone new, if he was over me yet, etc. Eventually my curiosity got the best of me and I emailed him. We talked for a few days, emailing back and forth. He told me he had met someone new, but I could tell from his words that he wasn't into the relationship. One day in late April he texted me and told me he was coming to town and asked if I'd like to meet him. I reluctantly agreed, not convinced this wasn't some form of cheating. I guess I justified it to myself by saying that if I still had feelings for him, they'd become apparent when I saw him and then I'd know for sure what to do. We met for coffee and talked for a couple hours. Honestly I couldn't tell you what all we talked about, since so much of it is a blur to me now. I know that the topic of us getting back together did come up. I know he wanted to, and I'm sure part of me did too. At the end of it I resolved to see where things went with my boyfriend. I knew that I loved him, despite our problems and uncertain future. Immediately upon leaving the restaurant that day I felt extremely guilty, both that I'd cheated on my boyfriend (yes he considered this cheating) and that I'd led my ex to believe that there was a possibility of us getting back together.

A few days later, I revealed to my boyfriend what I'd done. He didn't yell or tell me to leave his house, but he was understandably hurt and angry. He asked me at that time to reveal any other lies I'd kept hidden from him. If I did I don't remember what they were. We tried our best to move on.

About a month later, in late May, my ex emailed me out of the blue and we began a conversation. We talked for about a week, and then one morning I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my phone down on the bed next to me and storming out of the room. He'd bumped my phone and seen that I'd had an unread email from my ex. We started talking about it, he told me he wanted me to leave his house, but he let me stay after I begged him to give me another chance. I hate myself to this day for hurting him so much...

Over the next few weeks things got better and worse, time and again. We'd go a few days without any major events and then he'd catch me in another "lie" and we'd fight.

The entire time I'd been dreading an upcoming event I knew I'd be attending without him - my cousin's wedding on June 20th. I knew how much my boyfriend hated social functions so I went alone. While there I did the worst thing I've ever done to him and ever could do, short of sleeping with another man. I was a bridesmaid in this wedding and was paired up with a groomsmen I felt attracted to. During the reception I noticed he kept looking over at me and I looked over at him from time to time as well. My parents told me I'd been too stressed out over the state of my relationship lately and that it wouldn't hurt to have a little fun. I worked up the nerve to ask this guy to dance. Nothing happened besides talking to him. We danced a couple dances and then went to the bar and chatted for a minute. After awhile, I began to realize the reality of the situation and the insurmountable guilt, so I left the reception and headed home. Once home, my boyfriend asked if anything interesting had happened at the wedding, I told him I danced once with a groomsmen and that was it. I lied knowingly because I was terrified of his response. Awhile later he came to bed and asked if I was sure that nothing else had happened. I said that I danced more than once with the groomsmen, and immediately my boyfriend became very angry and left the bedroom to go sleep on the couch.

The next morning we fought about the details I had and hadn't revealed to him about the wedding. I told him that I knew I had a lying problem and wanted help for it, as it honestly did feel out of my control. In the following days and weeks, little insignificant details from the wedding would come into my memory that I'd been too upset to remember immediately afterward. Like how I'd asked him to dance, rather than vice-versa, or how I'd jokingly told my cousin she should have hooked me up with him.

The whole thing...the entire wedding, the lies, the deception...it all makes me hate myself more than I ever thought possible. I've got such a constant, overwhelming fear that I'm going to think of yet another detail about the wedding that I haven't yet told my boyfriend and then feel literally sick with guilt over it for days until I finally break down and tell him. I feel on edge all the time. We fight nearly every day. And the worst part is, in the midst of it all, I still find myself thinking of my ex. After we last spoke, at the request of my boyfriend, I asked him to please not contact me anymore. I wish I could talk to him...just to tell him this whole story and know that he isn't going to get angry at me or judge me about it. I find myself wondering what his life is like now, and hoping that someday I will get to talk to him again.

I'm just so confused...more than I have ever been. Since moving in with my boyfriend I've fallen into a deep depression. I've gained weight, can barely get myself to do anything. I've fallen behind on housework and I cry almost every time I go home to visit my parents. I hate them seeing me unhappy. I wish I could change this...I'd do anything. I don't know what to do. I'm scared that I'll end up breaking up with my boyfriend, go back to my ex, and then discover that I had legitimate reasons for leaving my ex in the first place. Then I'll have lost both of them. This guilt from the wedding and the little details I keep remembering from it have taken over my life. I just. Need. Help...and yet it's so impossibly hard for me to leave.

Ok first, you did the right thing telling your ex what was going on. The right thing is the most difficult...second, no matter what relationship, after the honeymoon phase there will be issues. Um, he doesn't deserve you if he doesn't want your hand in marriage or your babies.

And it's healthy to go out and be social and it sounds like you need it too....sounds like you still love your ex.

Anyone that would court you while in a relationship will do it with someone else. Morals could be messed up...

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I just want things to get better...is that really so much to ask?? I feel like as long as I'm with him, there's never NOT going to be a time where I'm not bothered by some other little detail that comes to mind from this wedding. It's driven me to the point of wanting to hurt myself...

I don't know if the ex is right for you or not. I do think, though, based on what you have told us, that the current boyfriend is not right for you. He doesn't treat you at all properly and he does not have goals similar to/aligned with to yours. And of course you fear telling him the truth about many things, given the way he reacts.

Leave your boyfriend and allow your own true self, and your parents, to nurse you back to health.

My perspective is that if you lose both of them...so be it. I expect that in time you will find someone to love and cherish, and who loves and cherishes you. In the meantime, I know that you can heal, care for, and develop yourself.

(((((Indie'sOK)))))

In what ways do you not think my boyfriend isn't right for me? I'm not asking because I don't agree with you, I'm just curious. How doesn't he treat me right? Maybe these things stand out to others better than they do to me.

You asked why I think he is not right for you. I consider him to be unloving and inconsiderate, and I consider his goals to be too different from yours, and I consider that the relationship with him is unhealthy for you, in my opinion he is damaging your health and perspective on life.

Below I comment on what you said and why it makes me feel the way you do.

I'm glad you came here again. Isolating from sources of support is something that often happens in an unhealthy relationship.

You are completely different about socializing, and he seems unable/unwilling to meet you anywhere near halfway. He didn't even go to a family wedding with you.

These are not "lies". A lie is when a person speaks with the intent to deceive.

You never "had this problem" in a relationship before, I expect, because you have not had a boyfriend who traps you likes this and then holds it against you and thereby brings you down and leads you to question yourself.

Being afraid of someone shows that the person is not right or healthy for you.

He is just flatly against what is central for you and evidently is not willing to explore if there is any room for compromise, sharing, honestly and open-mindedly taking in your perspective, seeing the merits of it, and considering ways that he could possibly make you happy.

They don't necessarily have to. Was he abused as a child?

He makes you feel indescribably awful when he flatly contradicts your entire life goals. This clearly is a sign that he is not right for you: He makes you feel indescribably awful.

He breaks your heart. Regularly, routinely.



Well I object to the term my lying behavior. I would call it my well-founded fear of him and his reactions

You have been with him for a good length of time and you don't have an emotional connection with him.

Yes! You are quite capable of being connected, of loving and being loved.



Just not with your current, unhealthy-for-you boyfriend.

What do you love about your boyfriend?

I don't consider this to be cheating, and you did not lie about your ex because in fact there is a possibility that you could get back together, the possibility is on your mind. You are a free person when not in fear of your boyfriend.

You boyfriend just assumed that there are other lies. He evidently sees you as a liar who needs to be monitored and punished like a child. And he does punish you and create fear in you. This is another reason he is not right for you.

I wonder if he "bumped" the phone...or checked it. In any event, a person who does not trust you and considers you to be a liar, and drives you to hide the tiniest detail from him, is not right for you.

This is typical of an abuser. Are you familiar with the cycle of abuse?

I see that you put lie in quotation marks, indicating that you yourself know that they are not actually lies.

He couldn't even come to a family wedding? He doesn't want to hang out with you, dance with you, let you show him to your family? All indications that he is not right for you.

What does he dislike so much about social events?

Really? Dancing as you did with your partnered groomsman at a wedding is a horrible crime?

Those who love you can see that the relationship is not working. What if you ask your parents what they think of the situation now?

This is not a horrible crime. You were supposed to not dance or have fun when alone at a family wedding?

He cross examines you as soon as you walk in the door.

You are terrified of making a mistake with him.

He cross examines you further.

You were right to be fearful of his response.

I don't think that there is a lying problem. I think there is an unhealthy, abusive boyfriend problem.

These are not crimes!

This relationship makes you hate yourself.

This is not a healthy relationship for you.

He is overly controlling, another sign that he is not right or even healthy for you.

He treats you properly in that sense: he doesn't get angry or judge you, like your boyfriend does. Another sign that your boyfriend is not right for you. You know what is like to be treated properly and you want that and miss that. Makes sense to me.

These are all signs that the relationship is not right for you. You've never been like this before.

I am wondering what is making you feel confused. Again: What do you like/love about your current boyfriend?

It isn't the wedding or what you did there that is the problem. It is how your boyfriend reacts to the wedding, and how he treats you on a regular basis.

It is often hard for someone who is in such an unhealthy relationship to see the truth and to leave. There is a great fear of the unknown, the fear that you will be alone, as you said. Abusers cultivate and prey on this.

I suggest that if you cannot leave that you speak to someone at a women's resource center for help in working up the courage and putting together a plan. My suggestion and hope is that you leave this guy, work on healing and reconnecting with yourself, and get back to working on your plans for your life: college, career, loving, healthy relationship, children. Reconnect with your parents and explore things with your ex (who may or may not be right for you, but I know that you can figure it out). You can do all of this.

Wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a detailed post. I do have responses to your questions and will write them later when I've got time. I needed to read that...thank you.

A good healthy relationship reflects on your person, by way of stupid smiles, a healthy glow, general happiness, its just obvious that this person is happy and content.


An unhealthy or bad relationship does the same, but its reflection is much more obvious.

Weight issues, self-care negligence, depression, isolation, anxiety, etc.


I've worn both reflections, and I can't tell you how absolutely amazing it is to be free of the unhealthy reflection.


You left a perfectly good bf for a dude you had crazy chemistry with because you mistook that chemistry for love.

You loved the idea of the baker man, only to discover that the reality of him is quite an ugly one. Now your fear of being alone has you trapped with him, even though you know he's not good to, or for you.

Sometimes we really don't know we're being abused, but we still know whatever is happening is not right... Please stop ignoring those feelings.


This relationship is doomed, besides he's abusive behavior, you are completely incompatible, a future with him is a bleak and depressed one. Must be if your depressed and tempted to hurt yourself before you even make it through a year with him...


Please go back home to your parents, or get a place of your own, you're so young, don't waste your pretty on him.


Alone time is probably what's best for you at this point, no matter how you loath it. You need time to find you, nurture you and take the steps to securing a future that's best for you.

A bf will just side track this process, and rob you of effectively learning how to be on your own. Happily