Committing to someone new.

After the end of my marriage. How do I trust enough to commit again?

My marriage fell apart after 10 happy years. After the birth of my second child my partner changed. Became disinterested in us, found something with my 'friend', treated me badly for 6 months before I funded her move out.

Nearly 2 years later I find myself dating an amazing, loving woman who wants to build a future with me. So why do I find myself stuck. Unable to make any long lasting decisions or commitments to her? I feel so inept, scared of what is to come.

Any advice, ideas, anything really. Much appreciated.

Hi Minion. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry you are having trouble trusting after a divorce. Sounds like you are still mystified by the first one asking yourself "Why?" A therapist can often escort us through the trenches of our shattered emotions. Most insurance covers some therapies with copay.

Here are some articles that might help
Psych Central - Search results for Trusting after divorce

You also might get a better welcome at
New Member Introductions - Forums at Psych Central

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

CANDC touches upon the trust factor, after a divorce. I noticed that one of the articles listed in the array of articles from the link, talks about betrayal. It does sound like that was a huge factor, as you mentioned your ex-wife with your 'friend'. That type of betrayal is earth shattering and traumatic. Divorce has it's own type of trauma, never mind adding such an extra dimension.

It's not mentioned how long you've been with your current girlfriend. Do you find yourself conflict avoidant? Is there a piece of you that tends to appease her, for fear of pushing her away? Do you find yourself bottling things up? Is she aware of any buttons that she pushes with you? I've dated someone who does that. Both of us, divorced. What that does is creates a level of disconnect. The disconnect gives the impression that all is well in the status quo. And then when things don't progress, leaves a level of confusion. It's rather complicated and complex. Worth addressing with a trained therapist, imo. Could be the result of something subconscious as a result of family of origin, something not yet realized on any level, intellectual or emotional. And part of the relationship with your ex wife.

Glad that you've found PC. Warm Welcomes, MinionB.

I think its healthy to keep in mind that relationships are not an "end all", lots of people think they can just find the right person, settle down, and they'll be happy. But as you've experienced, that's often not the case. So I think your smart to take things slow with a new mate, but that doesn't mean you have to enjoy it any less. Relationships are a constantly evolving connection. Things change, all the time, for good or bad or both. This is normal, its human nature. So take it one day at a time and have fun and love without attachment. Most of all remember, to love yourself first.

Thanks for your responses. It's great to reach out and find a hand.

To answer a question, I have been with my gf for just over a year.

It has been fantastic until the last few weeks when I have felt myself becoming a little disconnected. It just feels at time that everything is a pop at me. Particularly towards the need to stay in contact with my ex regarding our children.