[Ava.]

Me and my boyfriend are currently discussing getting married sooner rather than later due to financial concerns. Because of school, we could save tens of thousands of dollar by not waiting.

However, this would mean getting married within a year. We are young and haven't dated long in my opinion, but we've been best friends for several years. We're both 100% sure we want to get married eventually and he's very eager to, but I'd anticipated waiting a couple of years at least.

I guess my questions are:

1. What kinds of questions and topics should be thoroughly discussed and explored before getting engaged/married.

2. With divorce rates so high even for those marrying later in life, is it really detrimental to marry young?

Thanks in advance,
Ava

[Bill3]

I think that the length of time you have known the person as a romantic partner is very important to consider. Over time, the important questions for your specific relationship have a chance to surface and be addressed.

Great advice, Bill3.

Ava, it sounds like you aren't wanting to shorten the engagement which is normal reasonable. Even though it would save money, the longer engagement you and your partner originally planned for is a much better "investment" than moving forward with the ceremony now.

[divine1966]

Children how many and when. What to do if you can't

Bio children? Adopt or no?

Money. Combine finances or no

Religion. How to raise kids?
In what faith?

Living arrangements?

Health concerns

It is not detrimental to marry young but preferable to have a degree and start your career first


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[Ava.]

Thank you all for the advice. While ideally we wouldn't wait, it's a decision that would cost us 50-90 thousand dollars... By marrying, financial aid would eliminate almost all of that potential debt.

[*Laurie*]

It sounds to me like marrying is a good choice! Best of luck to you~

[Arwen_78]

I agree that getting married is part of a financial decision but shouldn't be the reason to get married. First of all if you want to get married you should talk about where you both want to be in the next 5-10 years, once school is over and you get careers. Then how you both feel about how money is saved or spent for both of you to have your own freedoms with, like what % of your paycheck will be seen as you own money to do with as you please. Plus, lets not forget about how you each feel about kids.

I think the thing with divorce rates is that it is now seen as ok to get a divorce than it was before. I'm not saying that it's right but some go into a marriage thinking that it changes people or that it could save a relationship just like how some wife's thinking that getting pregnant can save a marriage when it puts the nail into the coffin.

If you two really want the marriage to work you have to go into it seeing that if you have no clue where you are heading you can end up going in different directions. Do you know what you want to do with you life when school is over? Do you know if you want to stay in the same area or move out of it? You want to look ahead and think really hard together and if one of you doesn't know the answer to any one of the questions about life then wait.

[divine1966]

I personally wouldn't marry for financial reasons

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[*Laurie*]

Marrying in great part for financial reasons is, in today's world, a very wise decision. Security is immensely important, especially for those of us with health issues.

[Arwen_78]

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

Marrying in great part for financial reasons is, in today's world, a very wise decision. Security is immensely important, especially for those of us with health issues.

Oh, I think getting married solely for financial reason is heading for disappointment. I've been married before and I do have feelings for the man but we both went into the marriage for different reasons than love. Mainly green cards or staying in the others country for longer than a month. Not going to say much more

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

Marrying in great part for financial reasons is, in today's world, a very wise decision. Security is immensely important, especially for those of us with health issues.

Really? Marrying for financial reasons is a wise decision? Are you married? I don't even know what to comment on this.

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[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by Arwen_78

Oh, I think getting married solely for financial reason is heading for disappointment. I've been married before and I do have feelings for the man but we both went into the marriage for different reasons than love. Mainly green cards or staying in the others country for longer than a month. Not going to say much more

It sounds to me like Ava and her prospective husband have more going for them than only money

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Really? Marrying for financial reasons is a wise decision? Are you married? I don't even know what to comment on this.

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Yes luv, married for 34 years and raised a beautiful family. Marrying solely for money...that's not what I posted. Taking finances into great consideration is very important. Life flies by and middle and old age comes very, very fast. At the age of 18 I was marrying for great love. Thank God he also had some money

[Ava.]

Thank you LauraBeth.

Yes, you're right. Just to clarify for everyone getting agitated, the marriage itself is because of love, commitment, trust and friendship. The only thing influenced by finances is the timeline.

[*Laurie*]

I've lived in poverty and I've had times when I was financially secure. Believe me, poverty can turn a sensitive mind very sick and kill love fast.

Ava, it sounds like you have the makings of a successful marriage. Brightest blessings to you and yours~

[Lauliza]

I don't think it's a good idea speed up getting married for financial reasons. I'm not sure I understand why being married would save you so much money in school loans, unless he's in the military. Or unless he is wealthy and can pay the loans off for you. So unless you're marrying him because he has a lot more money than you, its not as helpful financially as you might think. it's better to have debt paid off as a single young person. Then you can marry when you are both financially secure. Marriage is hard and everyone is madly in love the first year or two. So it's always good to wait it out and see if those feelings are still there after more time. People also change a lot between their 20s and late 30s, and that change is what sparks marital troubles. The longer you wait the better for both of you even if it means struggling financially for a while first.

[avlady]

i think that you should have strong love feelings for the other person first of all. the feeling do change throughout the marriage but the love should still be there years later. money is an issue too especially if you want kids.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

Marrying in great part for financial reasons is, in today's world, a very wise decision. Security is immensely important, especially for those of us with health issues.

This is only true in very specific situations and depending on the age of the couple. Or if one person wants to marry someone very wealthy (but that's another issue). In this day and age, two young, healthy people should not have finances high on their list of reasons to get married. You don't need to be married to buy property and sometimes owning things separately is better than owning jointly. And I would not marry for a tax credit, it's not that significant.

[*Laurie*]

I've stated my feelings, and shared my experience, on this thread. Ava has assured us that finances are but one part of the reason she's thinking of speeding up her decision to marry. She's been very clear and considerate.

There are a thousand reasons to marry and far be it from me to decide what is right for another person...I can only share my own experience. For me the thread that Ava started has run its course, all questions answered, and I'm done with this thread. Blessings to all~

[Ava.]

Thank you so much LauraBeth, but also to everyone who took the time to give their input, whatever that may be.

I do agree and feel as though I've gotten the advice I needed though. This thread has run it's course and I will not be checking for future comments.

Thank you all again

x..Ava

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[Mygrandjourney]

There are plenty of practical self help resources such as questionnaires available for things to consider when deciding to marry. Finances is one thing, whether/when and how many children, another, how you spend free time (together/apart; with friends or family, etc), religion, and several others.
A local LMFT has these questions for those considering marriage:
How evenly matched are your interests, lifestyles and values?
How well does your partner express him/herself emotionally, verbally, through touch and through affection?
How comfortable is your partner in social situations?
How attracted are you to his/her physical appearance?
How defensive is she/he to correction, criticism, suggestions or requests?
How angry is your partner, and what does she/he do when angry? Do you ever feel scared or threatened?
How does she/he handle it when the two of you are upset with each other — or in disagreement with each other? How good are your partner’s conflict-resolution, compromising and negotiating skills? Is she/he able to discuss conflicts and differences in a healthy manner when they arise?
How tactful, diplomatic and sensitive is your partner to you? To others? In social situations? With friends and family? With strangers? How well-mannered is she/he?
How compassionate, kind, generous, magnanimous, considerate, thoughtful, accommodating and friendly is she/he?
How forgiving is your partner?
Does she/he frequently feel like a victim? Blame others for his/her predicaments? Have trouble accepting responsibility or accountability for things that go wrong or for mistakes that were made? Do you think she/he lives life with high integrity?
Is your partner wise with money? How accountable is she/he for financial decisions and choices?
What are your partner’s plans, goals or visions for the future? In your estimation, are those plans and goals realistic? How compatible are they with your visions for the future?
How focused and disciplined is your partner? Does she/he stay on tasks and go after achieving goals until they are completed?
In which ways do the two of you have fun and play together?

If you can’t answer these questions with confidence, then you are not ready to get married. You need more time to get to know your partner better.
Hope this helps!