"Uptown girl" with "salty seadog".Something wrong with me?

Don't know where to start... I'm here because I didn't know who I could talk to. I never wrote on a message board, but this situation is so different from what I'm used to I feel like it takes uninterested advices from strangers to make me think better.

I'm 24 and I come from a social environment where education and money are important matters and least but not last, honestly I know I look very pretty. This for me always meant I could walk into a room and be noticed by many, and it is a reason of pride especially for my mother. This always made her think I am the best thing she has done and always tried to push me to be ambitious, in marriage also.
I'm latina based in the south of France right now, living with both my parents. They run a holiday house rentals business, I have an interior design degree and I use to help them.

This summer I had a one month holiday in the U.S. east coast with my cousin, she is married to a guy whose family owns a cottage there. So I met this blue eyed salty seaman, I immediately liked him, despite the age difference between us (he's 52) and his initial coarseness. Probably he liked me too from the beginning. He's a charterboat captain among his activities (he is sailor, fisherman, runs a small oil/alcoholic business also, he is the boss of himself) so for me it was not hard to get the chance to know him better, I found an excuse to get on his boat, we chatted and surprisingly he asked me out. He is so different from anyone I know. He's crusty, genuinely macho, with a rugged exterior but a wealth of wisecracks, he may have this intimidating surly demeanor, this "my way or no way" truculence at the beginning, but I knew him better and felt how intense, amazing and brave he is. He's a guy who has seen some **** (sorry for this word), he is a man definitely used to work and hardship, he is battered but not beaten, he's just tough as hell. We have been going out for several weeks until I had to come back home, I had the best time with him, we've been sailing, he showed me a part of him none could imagine (buying flowers, taking me out to dinner, and at the end of my journey he told me that I could move to his place and take care of each other), I cooked for him, he took me out to sea teaching me to fish, we started acting like a couple.
He's a loner and this affair astonished many people living there. I told him I'd have planned my next stay next month and I begun trying to figure out how I could do to move and be with him.

I am having a hard time. I broke up with my ex last year, after I discovered he was much more interested in his money (and appearance) than he was in me. My previous ex cheated on me and after I dumped him he begged me to forgive him. My exes were all such jerks. The type of guys my family liked, socially respectable with good carreers, but they were not real men to me. Sounds like it is the first time I met one. Probably the european community does not offer much in this sense. The problem is that I love my family, I am afraid they will be mad at me when I will tell them what's happening, I won't have their support nor I will have a job easily (for two reasons, first I am not a U.S. citizen, second he is old fashioned and thinks I should be home, he as a man wants to provide). I think I'm going to feel extremely lonely and will miss my family and friends to death if I choose to move, by the way.

The only person I dared to share what I lived with has been my cousin for I was on vacation with her so she even met him, and unfortunately her reaction was "You nuts to believe it could go beyond a summer affair with Captain Achab". She thinks I should try to forget what happened, to put my feelings aside, that this is passion, not love, that I should use brains and that this should remain a beautiful adventure I can tell to my kids when I will have them. She says I'm going to destroy my life if I move there in his "shanty" in a foreign country and that in her opinion he will turn out to be a man no woman would want.

If any of you have some tips or ideas please share. I started think about the possibility something is wrong with me and I need help. Thank you!

I wouldn't be moving anywhere for a man unless we are legally married and know each other well. How well do you know this guy? I'd certainly try to get to know him well first. And I have to say with 30 years age difference you'll be 50 and he will be 80. I am about to turn 50 and I still feel and look rather young and no way i want 80 year old man, that's older than my dad. No offense to those for whom it works but I wouldn't want it.

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Please take this very slowly.

This is a red flag: "he is old fashioned and thinks I should be home."

While this sounds romantic to you it sounds controlling to me. You're young, beautiful, talented and educated and you want to trap yourself in a place where you know no one with an old guy? I don't recommend this course of action.

I cannot believe there is no good man in all of the south of France. Please consider getting out there in your community and engaging with other successful people--perhaps in the tourism industry. Don't sell yourself short (I mean do not let people take advantage of you). You can be respectful of your parents but still forge your own way in life.

I realise Europe has a different idea on such things, but my concern is the age gap. That sets off red flags. Then too his backward idea of a woman's place.

Were you to have a daughter your age, what would be your feelings and advice to her?

Well, he got married three times, did not have kids and one of his wives died. One of the reasons why he had a hard life. He was always away with his work, he is rather grouchy, he's wild when he's pissed off (he'd never touch a woman though, he is a real macho and thinks it's coward) and this all put together makes relationships difficult. But as he has been alone for several years now, I maybe arrived at the right time. Locals told me wow, he sort of gave up companionship, it's incredible he's going out with a woman like you now, he turned down a few women who tried to approach him during these years.

Actually thought it was very "american" great age differences. He's a yankee (his family is new englander) and he did not tell me there it is so odd to see young women with middle age guys. Instead in Europe it is a little strange, except when the man is very wealthy - in this case it is considered normal.

I felt being taken advantaged of with my exes: they were hypocrite, I felt like many times men tried to buy me. I wanted to get rid of all of this, I was looking for a purely masculine man, if you know what I mean. And yes in my area there are lots of very successful people, unluckily their personalities and values usually suck (rare exceptions not included in this group). Lots of metrosexual narcissistic men, not that having money is bad, not at all, but the way they use it and that high profile, no pain life, it probably turned them into something I find highly unattractive.

I'd advice her to try and stay for a couple of months or so, and see of he has serious ideas of marrying her for instance. What I am afraid of, is that seeing him again would mean I am completely in love with him, and coming back would be such a horrible grief.

You don't sound like anything is wrong with you. You sound like maybe you feel a little confined and bored with your life. You sound adventurous.

As far as this guy wanting you to stay at home, that doesn't sound good to me. This guy was born in the 1960s. If he's remembering the "good old days" when women didn't work outside the home, he's thinking about his mother's or grandmother's generation, not his own.

Also, unless you were in Florida, winter is coming. The climate will be different, and it wouldn't be just like going back to your vacation time.

Having said that, if you did decide to go live with this guy, what would be the possible negative consequences? If it's something you really think you want to do, and if you can change your mind and go home at any time, then maybe it's something you want to do.

The fact that you are asking people on an internet forum, though, makes me think that maybe you are feeling very divided and that the adventurous part of you wants to do this, but that you have a more cautious side that's telling you it's not a good idea.

I would take an inventory of your life and think about what your goals are to see if an adventure like this fits.

Thanks for an interesting post!

I grew up in Europe and have close family and friends in several European countries, I travel to Europe annually and I do not know anyone marrying or in a relationship with someone 30 years older. I also don't know anyone married or seriously dating anyone 30 years older in the U.S. either. And I know a lot of people


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@divine1966: It's true -- it's not common to see 30 years of difference, in any country I think. But if you come to visit my area you will see plenty couples with huge age differences (between St Tropez and Monaco). The reason is that here you find the greatest "rich invasion" ever, they own houses here and those who don't have yachts and come on vacation. They come from all over the world and usually their mistresses/wives/girlfriends are extremely young compared to them. I know what I am talking about because one of my exes was the son of this kind of man. Exactly the world I'm exhausted of.

@jo_thorne: Mmh his generation of women is the generation which started working outside home, but as I was trying to explain he grew up in a very traditional environment, his parents lived a provincial life in New England, they could not afford his education and in fact he dropped out of school soon in order to start working and supporting his family. His mother surely did not work outside home. I think he is the only son, he never mentioned any sibling. His dad gave him the example of masculinity he actually embodies, he served in the world war, he was an hard worker. He was totally out of the cultural movements, so when you talk to him you get the sudden feeling you are talking to a man born in the 10's. In pretty much everything. On the other hand he traveled a lot (especially over America) but he hardly traveled for pleasure, he traveled for working. He developed very good skills in what he does, in fact he became a self-employed fisherman soon and built his own boat (which he calls vessel, for some reason I don't know!). He has a man who helps him, but he does pretty much everything by himself. Lately he developed a little whale oil business and I think he did to save more money as possible si that if he is injuried or wants to stop working he can retire and be fine.
The main reason why I feel confused and asked to "strangers" for their opinions is that, honestly, I think that if I move, and assuming he is not young, I will think about having kids sometime not too late. What if something goes wrong and the kids are born in America with an american father? So yes, I am mad about him now, but I am not so fool to ignore the future.

So he wants you to stay at home, but he is planning to retire soon? Who will be working and making money? And you want kids? With a man who is already in his 50s? He would not be young and healthy enough to raise them through adulthood. Moving to a new country with a man near retirement age who you have only known for a few months seems like a rather unwise decision. I cannot imagine how this would play out well. It may be fun to have a summer fling with him, but to build a life and raise children? Would you also want a daughter of yours raised to believe a woman's place is in the home?

I still have hard time figuring out why would a young woman want to marry a man 30 years older who lives in a foreign country and is grouchy! He isn't cultured and is way too traditional. Plus you don't know him. You don't even know if he has siblings. He is going to retire soon and wants you to sit home too. So you both gonna be home. At 24 you'll be looking at him all day. I sure hope you look for someone more suitable for yourself! You sound like a great catch. He? Not so much

What does your mom say about all this?

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Sounds like a nice fantasy fling. Not much to base a relationship on, though. I am sure at his age and with what you have typed, you are a very appealing option.

Just remember it as a fun time and move on to someone else a bit more grounded.

Now that I am calming down you don't need to make me notice the age difference is huge anymore -- I figured out it is. Yes, even if I pretend not to care I know it is there and it is probably the biggest red flag, in my view it is beyond the fact of moving itself.

I don't find lack of "culture" a red flag instead. I do think education is important but I don't have the snobbery to tell someone's worth by his/her education. I do give a lot of importance to his ability and skills instead, he has been around the globe for a lot of years working hard, 10 years ago he came back to his native new england to settle down. Alone, but to settle down. When he was young he was rather wild, when he was around the world he experienced pretty much everything, he used to enter wrestling competitions (and winning many!), he is someone who seems to have lived an entire century... He went through his last divorce and after that he lived a couple of years like an hermit, then he moved to the island and he organized his life fishing/we charter boating during the right season and running this local oil/booze business all by himself or almost, he developed a layman knowledge in law reading tons of books because he knew that as he was not rich nor educated he had to know how to avoid problems and work properly. He built his shack and fishery with his bare hands. He might drink beer and use foul language but I have no doubt he is intelligent. He reads a lot about his interests, for instance pagan mythology. Maybe you are not impressed as I am because you are so lucky to have such tough, self made lads in your environments, but think that I never met one in my life. And plus, I don't know if you consider it important in a relationship, but I laugh all the time with him! He's so so funny, he tells things straight ahead, his vulgar loud laugh, it is enough to make me laugh. I mean it's so complicated to explain what you feel!

The whole thing now for me is not whether to move just for an adventure or not, my main problem is that moving in with him for me would mean I'd plan a family. I'd like to be a young mother possibly, so one of my fears is what if I decide to have children and something does not work? Can I bring my american kids back at my home? This is what worries me most probably.

My mother is obviously as worried (and angry with me) as I thought she would have been, she wants to save me from a relationship she thinks to be potentially disastrous (she can't see the charm of this kind of people: for her there is nothing socially acceptable in somebody like Captain Achab, she hates this kind of people who in her opinion live at the fringe of society). She told me you see his powerful charisma because you live with the parachute of the safety (financial as well) you know your family still provides you, you can't imagine how hard life can be out there with this kind of man. She thinks I have been pampered enough not to be able to live with a man like him and that when my novelty wears off I will be desperate with a man who (in her opinion) does not have the necessary skills to understand the needs of a woman like me, and that all I will notice of him won't be his being steely ice-blue eyed or anything anymore but the reek of beer around him. She thinks he sees me as a the great trophy of a seasoned seadog known in his own local lore, she says he will boost his ego when people will gossip about me being "young, smiling and flashily attractive", in her opinion he will treat me as one of the greatest trophies he sells (one of his activities is big game fishing and when he makes a great catch he gets it stuffed and mounted to sell it at sky high prices). She seems to underrate everything that is what I saw in his soul and in his values. This is all and honestly what she said.

There are a lot of self made people in the world, both men and women. People who made something out of themselves. That is certainly attractive. Most people I know didn't come from money. You can find plenty.

Well it is all about individual preferences. If you think it is worth it, go for it. You can't really make decision based on what we say. I am close to his age, about to be 50 and from what you described I wouldn't be interested in him even in my age. It doesn't sound exciting to me. But I am not you.

Just be careful with making permanent moving decisions or have kids without full understanding that you will NOT be able to take them out of the country neither for a trip nor permanently without his permission and/or judge order ( if things don't work out)

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You are extremely infatuated with him right now. Plus you cannot have him... which makes him even more interesting. That "high" you are feeling will even out. Some of the things you find so interesting will eventually annoy you.

You really do not get to know someone unless you spend a lot of time with them... if you choose to do that... you do not have a great safety net in another country. If he was in your country you would get a chance to see who he really is.

Give yourself time before you make decisions. If you continue to romanticize about him..you will not be in reality about him. He may never be able to live up to the dreams spinning in your head.

Right now he is incredibly interesting because he is so different. Do not fall into that "its us against the world" mode. You can attract others that may have some of his traits and shared values. You know what you do not like in a man. Find someone different closer to home - there are all kinds in all parts of the world.

You had a really interesting experience - and probably learned a lot about yourself and he obviously enjoyed you as well (he was as "high" as you were during your encounter)- and that is all good. Put it in your book of great memories.

I realize it's easy for me to say this - I know your heart is pulling at you - thus my icon a: war between the brain and heart.

You will have great experiences ahead of you. The more you think about him.. he stays alive in your head and the pain stays much longer.

If you have children with him, you will NOT be able to take them with you to another country without his consent. If you split up, you will either have to remain in the US permanently in order to have joint custody or you will have to leave your children behind with him (unless he miraculously agreed to give you sole custody and signed away all his rights). you should also not be even thinking about having children with someone unless you know them EXREMELY well and have worked out every "what if" detail you can imagine. The vast majority of my friends who have children are divorced and have been through horrific custody battles. Couples who are from the same town, were married 15 years, and live 5 miles apart cannot even seem to agree on anything when it comes to their kids! Imagine when you are from different countries and barely know each other! If you want to have an adventure by yourself, that is your choice. But please be responsible about bringing children into the world. Not to mention, with him approaching retirement and you not working, how could you possibly raise children from 0-18 years?

Him retiring sounds fishy to me. Is he wealthy. Both I and BF are turning 50 in few months. We have professional jobs that are decently paid but we have no intentions to retire any time soon. Not only we can't afford it, I in fact work two jobs and he works over time, We are way too young to stay home. How is he retiring at 52?

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Bluntly, this is a fantasy. It sound like you are both playing a game.

I know this is nowhere near the reply you wanted; but,

Stay away. PLEASE

I was thinking of this thread while I did some other things. Here are my thoughts....

I live in an area that gets lots of tourists. Folks come here, love the weather etc and decide to pack up an move here. What they don't stop to consider is that life on vacation is not day-to-day life. They think that when they move here life is going to be one long vacation. Thing is life goes on trash has the be taken out, laundry done, gotta work to support yourself etc. They also aren't here long enough to discover the down side of living in the area - horrid traffic congestion, heat and humidity that sap your energy, HURRICANES(!), sky high electric bills from A/C to cope with the heat, mosquitoes big enough to carry off small dogs... you get the picture. There are trials to living anywhere. It isn't all rainbows and sunshine.

I believe you are experiencing something similar with this man. He is very different from the men you've been with before. That's exciting. He is offering you a very different way of living than you have known. That too is exciting.

I'm going to suggest something I would suggest even if you didn't have to move across an ocean to be with him. Take some time to truly get to know this person. Maybe find a job near him and get your own place to live. A month is not long to know someone. Give yourself a chance to really get to know him before you make life altering decisions like having children with him.

Was there alcohol involved? How much does he drink?

...........................

(Qualifier: I'm a guy in his mid 50's, with lots of "history" behind him).
I agree with the advice to proceed with extreme caution! Perhaps an extended vacation with firm boundaries and time for reflection is in order. You could visit for a month or so, keep separate living situations. Reflect on how this feels afterwards. I'm sure there are many guys in your age group who are decent, hard working, ethical and "self-made". I meet them every day. They may not show themselves to be in the same socio-economic class of the men you've been involved with in the past. Maybe you should try "kissing some frogs" in the hopes you might find a prince amongst them?