[Wanderer14]

Hi I'd like to share my story,
I met my wife when we were young and married at 25 she 24. I loved her very much but started to have feelings that she depended on me a lot. We had very little deep conversations and would get through our nights watching trash tv, she wasn't very intelligent and we didn't share interests in what was going on in the world, she had no real dreams or goals apart from children and to be a stay at home mum, I wanted to strive and grow however she was stagnant and wasn't ambitious in any way but I did love her she had good morals and was kind, loyal and my family loved her. My wife was adamant she wanted a child and we had a baby daughter together. I was ready to have a child as I wasn't getting any younger i wanted to be a father and believed this would make her grow up as a person and want to be successful for our child. I love my daughter very much but instead of bringing us together the struggles of being parents made us drift even further apart. We had different views on how to parent and sex became non existent. I tried to make time for just us but this was never the case as my wife didn't want to give up any nights without our daughter and we drifted for 4 years. I began to drink a lot alone each evening and our communication became mumbles to each other. I felt trapped and unhappy and I started looking for a way out. We attempted councilling on a number of occasions but I believe I had well and truly checked out.
Now this is where I am not proud of my actions but I met a girl on a business trip and we began to speak over the Internet regularly. We connected on every level which I had never had before with my wife and feelings grew very strong, interests dreams goals we would talk for hours, she had a child of similar age to my daughter and as a few months past I believed, after much deliberation, it was time to find the courage to leave my wife but wanted to maintain a strong relationship with my daughter. The Devastion on leaving went far and wide and ripples were felt through family and friends, my wife was devastated and couldn't accept what was going on. I stayed with friends for a short time before moving in with the girl I had met and her child 90 miles away. When my wife found out about my new relationship she was on her knees and I feel bad for how I went about things. I was At last happy but I did feel terrible for putting everyone through it. I continued to have regular contact with my daughter every other weekend, she has since met my new girlfriend and they get on great. Now a year down the line I have been to see a solicitor for divorce proceedings however something is stopping me from going ahead, I love my girlfriend with all my heart we are perfect for each other but I'm again unhappy, I have started to become jealous over her and have caught myself checking her computer with no real reason as to why. I am helping raise her child which instead of being a nourishing feeling actually hurts that it's not my daughter. I feel huge guilt and the days we have both kids together just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like a unit and it shows. I now have financial problems and I'v been diagnosed with something I never thought I would have, depression. My wife still wishes to rekindle our relationship and go back to being a family, she has started to look for other jobs, is doing everything to change and something I thought I would never consider is starting to run through my head. I'm now massively torn. I know people will say the grass was not greener and I made my bed, I have read countless blogs and threads looking for the answer I just don't know what to do anymore and feel totally lost. Iv attended independent Councilling which does not seem to be helping in anyway. My girlfriend knows I'm low as Iv started to be distant but she can't understand why I'm unable to push on with the divorce. I just don't know where to turn anymore and it's totally encompassing my life, I have lost family, friends a home I worked hard for as well as not being there for my daughter full time which is effecting her massively both at home and school. I just don't feel that love for my wife, I find myself driving past my old house some evenings and I sometimes long for my family again but when I think of losing my girlfriend my heart sinks. I know I probably will be berated by all and expect it but I hope in telling my story I will find an answer to crawl out the depression I have found myself in as I don't know where else to turn, Iv lost weight and it's effecting everything I do. Has anyone went through similar I would appreciate hearing from others who have gone through what I am dealing with, Thankyou in advance

[Skeezyks]

Hello Wanderer14: I'm sorry to read of your dilemma. There are no winners in a situation such as this, I know from experience. No matter what you do, I fear, there is going to be some part of you that will always regret the decision you made. My perspective, with regard to this (& it is a harsh one) is that you must simply make a decision, one way or the other, & stick with it. Otherwise you continue to gore everyone. And, every time you begin to question whether or not you are making, or have made, the right decision, say to yourself: "That decision has been made" And don't look back. From my perspective, the worst thing you can do is vacillate.

Then, also, continue with individual counseling. I know you wrote that it's not helping. But, again, based on my experience, this type of situation... long term... will tear you apart if you don't work through it. And therapy is the place where this needs to happen. If the particular professional you're currently seeing doesn't seem to be able to help you, then find another therapist. Not all therapists are skilled at dealing with all circumstances.

Each of the individuals in your life, your wife, your daughter, & your girlfriend have the right to get on with their lives... to build or re-build... as the case may be. It is up to you, in this situation, I believe, to bring the situation to a conclusion one way or the other... & to carry the burden of whatever decision you make. Obviously, if your wife is willing to take you back, & if you can go back, this may be the best option. But, whichever way you decide, put an end to the struggle.

I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to come to a decision that will be as beneficial as possible for all concerned.

[DBTDiva]

You have to work on yourself if you want to be happy. You were unhappy in the first marriage and you've begun becoming unhappy in this relationship - the easier answer for this is that relationships are not intended to make us happy. We need to be happy with ourselves in order to have happy relationships. If you look for things outside of yourself to make you happy, especially relationships, you will go from relationship to relationship, moving on each time the current relationship fails to meet your expectations.

Unfortunately when we are young, we don't always look for compatibility in a partner. We choose other things like how they make us feel. From what you describe, you and your wife were never compatible. You wanted her to have a desire to have ambitions beyond being a wife and mother but she wasn't interested in that. What you consider to be not a real dream or goal (wife and mother) is her dream and goal. There was no reason to think she would suddenly become ambitious after having a child. It is rather judgmental to say that she was "stagnat" and not interested in growing because what she wanted out of life seemed less important than what you prioritize.

Likely you are concerned your new girlfriend might cheat on you because you, yourself, were a cheater. You know that people can get away with it because you did, so it causes you to suspect her. If you want to stay with her, your best bet is to come clean about your snooping and make the decision to trust her. If she's given you no reason to suspect her, it's unfair to do so. It's possible you used the new relationship as an excuse to leave the old one. You stayed in a relationship you knew was not working and did not meet your needs until someone you perceived as better came along. No person is perfect. As reality set in, you probably realized the new girlfriend also has some things that don't meet your idea of the "ideal" woman. You jumped from one relationship right into another. The answer is definitely not going back to what didn't work. You need to figure out what needs to be done to make you happy, separate from any romantic relationship. Then, decide if you want to be with your girlfriend. If you do, be willing to work on the relationship and know that she will never be perfect. Also realize that it's not going to just immediately "feel right" when you are blending families. It's complicated stuff. There's a great book called Remarriage Rescue that talks about the mistakes couples make when blending families after divorce. I think you'd find it helpful.

DD

[ChipperMonkey]

You jumped from one situation to the next with no cooling off period in between. That is you never gave yourself time to get past the first relationship before starting a new one. In this sense you've never been available to your girlfriend and you still aren't now.

[Rose76]

I don't think counseling is going to yield any answers for you, as you seem to be finding out. You know what your options are and there's pros and cons with each of them.

Romances that begin on-line seem to have a way of seeming great in the beginning and, then, not so much. This girlfriend knew you had a wife and little daughter, yet encouraged you to leave them for her. That doesn't sound like a tender-hearted gal to me. So now you don't quite trust her. I don't think that's going to change.

Your relationship with your own child is never going to be all that it could have been when you were a live-in dad. That's just the reality of broken homes. Even though your wife might take you back, it doesn't sound like you can ever be in love with her again. So I can see why you are kind of lost, as to which direction to go in.

It's hard to accept that, among the options we find in life, there doesn't seem to be one that really promises complete happiness. Modern men and women seem to believe that that should be the goal. Sometimes, it's not among what is available. (It wasn't for me.) You knew where you were at in your life, initially, was not completely happy, so you went with the alternative option. That option had the advantage of being somewhat unknown, so you could entertain the hope that it might be way better. But it's not. You are a caring man, so it's distressing to you that you've caused unhappiness to your wife and daughter, without really improving your own very much.

On-line opportunities can easily conform to our deepest yearnings because we don't know the full reality that is behind them. A lot of what we think is there is really just what our imaginations are projecting. This new girlfriend of yours isn't quite as special as you imagined her to be. There are reasons why she was pursuing romance on-line . . . and they probably aren't nice reasons. A number of men who met her before you did found themselves saying, "No thanks." after they spent some time with her.

Only you can figure out where to go from here. You can probably never have the past back just the way it was. By being honest with yourself about all you've been through and realizing that you've operated on some unrealistic assumptions about what life was really offering you, you can become a more mature man. That will entail some sadness, as I think the maturing process always does. You are having to give up some dreams that were illusions. There isn't any woman out there who is all you would like a woman to be who will consider you all she's looking for in a man. It may sound kind of crass and cold, but we each really do have a "market value" that we have to be realistic about, in terms of who we are likely to attract and hold. Maybe this new girlfriend of yours is still shopping the field to see if she can do better than you. I don't know. But I'm not going to tell you that your insecurities are foolish. If she were a woman who placed a high value on loyalty, then why would she have wanted you?

Whether or not you will ever resume living with your wife, maybe you can see her with more respect than you formerly had for her. You wouldn't be the first ex-husband to decide belatedly that his original wife wasn't so bad after all. I think Henry the 8th ended up saying pretty much that to Anne Boleyn about Queen Catherine. It's an old story.

Often a person becomes lovable because of our decision to love them. That's why, over the long haul, "love" is not a feeling, but a choice. Modern men and women have been sold a bill of goods with this notion that we're supposed to be completely fulfilled in our relationships . . . that we have a "right" to be happy. Nowhere in the annals of all that is true is that written. An awful lot of life is just making the best of what we can.

Be as good a friend to your ex-wife as you can, regardless of what it leads to. That will also endear you to your daughter.

[Trippin2.0]

I think you should take a long break from both / all women. 6 months or so...


Focus on you, find out what makes you tick, make your own happiness, and then decide if either of these women even fit into the picture.

[divine1966]

I agree with what you have to say Rose with the exception of comment on reasons for pursuing romance on line not being nice etc and other similar comments. I know plenty of women who met their significant others and husbands online ( including me), none of them used for any obscure reasons (as "there is a reason") or reasons that isn't "nice." It is hard to meet people especially as people get older, work and live in certain environments that don't allow much opportunity for meeting people of opposite gender.

The only not nice thing is that she went for married man and he cheated on his wife.

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[iwonderaboutstuff]

Get your own place.

[Wanderer14]

Thankyou all for your replies they are insightful and mean a lot, I have some serious decisions to make in moving forward as I am aware that it is ultimately not only affecting me but isn't fair on all concerned. I believe my indecision boils down to my fear of having yet more regrets with either losing my wife, being there full time for my daughter and a home (although I am aware I initially made this decision), my girlfriend or losing all (taking time out).
When initially leaving I was happy with my decision, I felt it was the right thing to do for all concerned including my daughter as the atmosphere she was growing up in wasn't healthy for her and I couldn't see why everyone else couldn't support my decision, but on hindsight this feeling may have been an illusion concocted from the initial honeymoon period with my girlfriend. Now that the dust has settled I do miss aspects of my old life but again can't conjure up any love for my wife, she says to this day she know's what went wrong and will change as she so desperately wishes to piece her family back together I just wish I felt the same about her, is this something that could ever be present? Has anyone been in this situation where they have returned and it has worked?.
I have thought of getting my own place but I can't afford it and this would ultimately lead to my girlfriend and I breaking up as she would see it as a step back in the relationship when she wants us to move forward.
I love my girlfriend very much we connect on so many levels but sometimes I feel if I am unhappy now why don't I just go back and be unhappy, but in my home and with my daughter as unhealthy and pathetic as that sounds. Thanks again for your replies they do help a great deal.

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