GAY COUPLE NEEDS HELP

My boyfriend and I met two years ago. My life was in the dumps and his was going great with a wonderful job. We both worked in lower Manhattan and he lost his job last October. He has been unable to find employment in his industry since and I have moved on to a different area of my company and am making good money. He has moved to an undesireable location in the city and I went on to buy my own place. He claims that he has fallen out of love with me and is not sure if it is because of depression with his current situation (he thinks he is a failure). He says he loves me so so much, but he is no longer in love with me and no matter how hard he tries he can't find that "spark" we once had. He wants to end the relationship because he insists that he will bring me down with him. I told him that was ridiculous and that if two people care about each other they don't walk away from each other. He says he wants to break up with me because it is only looking out for me. I want to be there for him and support him through his rough times. We care about each other SO MUCH that I think it is foolish to risk throwing everything away. I told him that to break up now with his judgement clouded by his current situation would be unwise. I think we should tough this out together and when his life is on track, then make the decision. This way it will avoid both of us saying, "I wonder what would have happened if" many years later.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. THANKS....

Hi,
Welcome to the forum, I agree with you, depression can "cloud" one's judgement just like "mania" can too! Is there any way you can get your partner into therapy for his depression? It may help, maybe even antidepressants in addition to therapy, it has helped for me and millions. It sounds like he is going through a rough time and yeah, you guys can "tough" it out, but why? If you can get outside help, why chance losing or giving up on a good or great relationship? If financially he can't afford help at the present time would you be able to? Just a thought. In my opinion, this may be an area you both might want to look into, it really can help, it is worth a try before calling it quits if nothing else seems to do the trick. I wish you both lots of love and luck, take care of yourselves
"darkeyes"

ditto with darkeyes... I think you two should stick this out. I'm sure if you help your bf get some help, then you will be able to find that old "spark". Best of luck! TTYL!

ranzi

i'm gonna get free

I would like to thank you both for your input. Everyone that is involved with this board is so sincere and caring. This is the one place on the Internet where you can really let it all out and receive help from honest and caring people. I will let you know how things work out.

I would like to thank you both for your input. Everyone that is involved with this board is so sincere and caring. This is the one place on the Internet where you can really let it all out and receive help from honest and caring people. I will let you know how things work out.

I am glad that you felt comfortable to come here and "hang out" for awhile, we'd like you and your friends to feel free to stop back again, hope you can bring some resolution to your problem, I feel confident that you will, but then I am not "Cleo", ha!ha!, all joking aside, I wish you luck
Stay well,
"darkeyes"

he says he loves you but is "no longer in love" with you. that is a very, very powerful statement. my question is why do you want to stay with a person who is not in love with you??? if you are willing to be in a relationship like that and you are happy, then so be it. either way, you should (1) let go of trying to change him and (2) accept him as he is; because you really can't make someone love you as much as you love him. ((((HUGS for you)))) ....I KNOW IT IS HARD....(((HUGS)))...as Joseph Campbell says, "follow your bliss."

<font color=purple> But a stranger in a strange land, he is no one:
men know him not and to know not is to care not for.
Bram Stoker, Dracula, 1897 </font color=purple>

I can't possibly know what is in your boyfriend's head, but he is exhibiting some classic signs of depression. First of all, being depressed makes it hard to find joy in anything, so that 'spark' he used to feel about you would naturally be hard to find if he is depressed. You may want to ask if he is finding a 'spark' in anything lately...this may help him decide whether it is really the relationship that is a problem, or just a manefestation of the depression. Also, many people when they are depressed isolate themselves, and may push friends and loved ones away. Has he distanced himself from other friends? Again, this may help you know if his behavior toward you is just the depression speaking.

You say that the two of you care very much about each other. Perhaps now is the time for you to be a friend more than a boyfriend. If he is depressed, seeking therapy would be a tremendous first step toward getting better. Perhaps you could help him find someone to talk to - he will have to take the step of going to see the person, but you as a friend can help with the up front work. Based on what he says, he may be having trouble feeling any kind of romantic or sexual feelings, so make sure he knows that you are there for him as a friend without expecting anything more until he is feeling more emotionally stable.

I will warn you - he may still try to push you away. I know I did that with many people when I was depressed. But I can also tell you that my most treasured friends are the people who stuck it out and remained my friends through all of my worst times.

Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.
mj

Thanks, MJ & JC

In response to JSC's post I must say that there have been many times in my relationship with my husband when I was not "in love" with him. Every relationship has its ebbs and flows, it is natural. If your partner has depression chances are he can't even feel that sense of love right now. I know I couldn't. Luckily my husband and I have stuck it out and have been together for 16 years. Marriage takes commitment. That commitment sees you through the tough spots when you don't even want to see your partner much less talk to him. I love my husband, I have loved him even when I hated him. It is a complex emotion, one that defies understanding. I hope sincerely that you stick by your partner until there is no choice but to walk away but the middle of a depression is not the time to give up. I find the fact that he still loves you dispite not being in love with you is a good sign.
Take care,
I am rooting for you,
Zen<font color=blue>

Progress is nothing but the victory of laughter over dogma.--Benjamin De Casseres