[Bradhadair]

I'm struggling with jealousy right now. My boyfriend of a year went to a gaming con for the day and befriended a girl he played a game with, Lauren. He told me about it when he got home that day and said he invited her to join our gaming group and had friended her on facebook. That night, he went out with a different gaming group of friends but I stayed home. When he got home, he told me he had invited this girl Lauren he had met earlier in the day to join him for gaming that night. Turns out she had other plans and did not go, but I was very worried. He said he didn't have her phone number but had sent her a private fb message. I explained to him that it upset me and had she actually gone I would have been mad and that I didn't think it was appropriate of him to invite another woman he had just met out with him on a night I wasn't there and especially without telling me first. My boyfriend was very apologetic but said he didn't see why it was wrong because he wasn't doing it for any reason other than to get another person to join our group.

I try very hard not to be jealous, especially since my boyfriend is a very friendly person who talks to everyone. And I don't want to be "that girl", who gets upset about every woman my boyfriend talks to. But I was very uncomfortable with how things occurred. I have experienced unfaithfulness in past relationships so perhaps I'm hyper sensitive about it; however, I have complete faith in my current boyfriend. While I do not believe he had any intentions other than good ones, are my feelings normal? Are my reactions and worries understandable?

[NicoleBriz]

I think your bf was being a little clueless regarding your feelings, but I don't think you have anything to worry about. At least, he was willing to be honest with you, and he seems willing to talk things out. Did you tell him exactly what actions or situations made you uncomfortable? I think if you talk it out more, you can start setting some boundaries, and he'll know what lines not to cross in the future so you're both happy and on the same page.

[divine1966]

I would have a problem if my BF invited other woman to join him at some events. One thing is to chit chat the other to invite her to go places with him in your absence . I am not saying he had bad intentions but it's a bit much!
You aren't wrong feeling awkward. Tell him how you feel

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[Bradhadair]

Thank you for the feedback! Truth is, my boyfriend can be clueless when it comes to situations like this. I'm actually more worried about this girl and what she must be thinking than his intentions. His actions could definitely lead this girl to believe he's interested in her romantically.

I did try talking to him about it, but the timing was very bad. He had gotten some news about a family member passing earlier in the day so he was already not in the best mood. He basically said he could see my point, then said he'd never talk to her again and then asked to stop talking about it. So not really sure if he really understands my point, or like most men, just wanted the conversation to be over. I walked away feeling like a jealous jerk. Not sure if I should try to bring it up again or not.

[NicoleBriz]

I'm sorry to hear about his family member passing. I would wait a little before bringing up the subject again, but definitely still talk about it...especially if you went away feeling like the bad guy. I'm sure he understood your point, but you might want to clear the air with him. You're not saying he can't talk to her ever again, right? You just didn't like the fact that he was conversing with her behind your back through FB and inviting her to things. Those are valid worries so just make it clear that those are the kinds of behaviors you don't appreciate. I mean, if she seems like a nice girl and interested in the same stuff you guys are, there's no reason why she can't be friends with the both of you, right? You guys should be able to hang out and game together and get to know each other a little more, and then maybe you'll get a better feel for the kind of person she is.

Imo feelings justified. My fiance is like your bf very friendly and very clueless. I, like you, worry what the woman thinks and what her actions are. Or her intentions. Some women dont care about ones relationship status. When hes feeling better talk to him. Explain everything to him. If your comfortable meet this woman and you will pick up on her vibes. If not i dont think its wrong to ask he not spend time unless your there or to stop private msgs unless you see them. Im a jealous person so i might not be the best to give advice. I can put myself in your shoes quite well as ive been there. I have all passwords and full access to fiances phone whenever i want. As does he have my passwords and acces to my phone. This is because of a very similar situation with an ultimatum. Sorry you have to go through this. For the record my fiance has never and will never cheat on me. I know this now and believe it. I still worry about other women all the time. Rambling sorry.

[Rose76]

You are not being hypersensitive. It is totally inappropriate for him to be acquiring these "friendships." It doesn't matter that his intentions may be totally innocent, as I believe they probably are. The pattern he's engaging in will eventually lead to trouble. It's only a matter of time before some girl he "befriends" has more than a "friendly" interest in him. (I'm assuming he is an attractive guy, which is part of why you got interested in him.)

He may have no special interest in any of these girls now, but it's just a matter of time. Couples have their ups and downs, so the two of you will have yours. It's part of life. One day, when you and he are a little ticked off at each other over something, one of these girls will be ready and willing to show him some attention that will feel good to him. Suddenly there will be 3 people in the relationship. Not good.

Whether he has the wisdom, or not, to see what's wrong with this friend-finding behavior of his, you should go ahead and tell him that it can't continue, if he expects you to stick around. I doubt he'ld be okay with you doing something similar.

A certain amount of jealousy is normal and protective of a relationship. Go ahead and tell him - or admit to yourself - that, yes, you are jealous. It wouldn't say much for your relationship, if you weren't.

Boy. It's not like I've never felt this way.

He very well may be clueless about this but that doesn't make it any better. I've been bitten too many times by just such innocense. I'm glad you've begun to discuss this with him but I think it needs to go further than being upset he invited her out without you. It just plain isn't appropriate for him to be contacting her in such private means to begin with.

[Bradhadair]

Thank you for all the feedback. I truly work very hard not to be a jealous girlfriend and try to allow him to keep his space. I don't look at his phone or question him about where he goes or talks to people. And honestly, I don't question his loyalty. However, but he is such a nice guy it can very easily get him into a sticky situation if the wrong person is in the mix. He doesn't seem to get that being a nice guy should have limits and there are boundaries. When he and I were discussing it his response was he just won't invite her to game with us, which was not my intention. He didn't seem to understand that it wasn't the girl so much as his behavior being inappropriate that upset me. I guess that's why I walked away feeling like my feelings of jealousy were the inappropriate ones. Maybe I will wait until after the funeral has passed and then approach him again. His behavior truly upset me and I don't know that he got that.

[Rose76]

I hate to sound so stupid, but what do you mean by having others, like this girl, "game" with you?

What is gaming?

[healingme4me]

I hear you about waiting to broach the discussion. It's an important one. It's important to affair proof relationships, plain and simple.

Rose, 'gaming' is term for meeting to play video games, or fantasy games like Dungeons and Dragons, fantasy card games like 'magic', etc. It is perfectly innocent and NOT what I'm thinking has occured to you. For the most part this is general or 13+. Not the sort of thing that would require parental guidance if you get my drift.

[Rose76]

I really wasn't thinking anything. I kind of figured it had something to do with computerized video games, but I had no idea that people went around networking to find partners to join with. Nothing risque had occurred to me. I just didn't get the social aspect of it. So, if you invite someone to "game" with you, you both go to a common location, or you interact via the internet?

Thanks for giving me an idea what this is about, though I'm still pretty fuzzy. Like do people just go up to strangers at the mall and invite them, or would you only be inviting people you already kind of knew? The O.P.'s husband seems to meet new women through this, and I'm trying to figure how that works.

I'm thinking about all these young people who post threads about how they never manage to meet potential dating partners. Maybe they should employ this approach.

[divine1966]

I think it could be potentially dangerous to meet random people and invite them over to play games. Well I don't know. I am thinking he meets this girl and invites her places to play games all on the same day. Don't know about that.

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the inviting of strangers seems a little sketchy to me but perhaps that is the world of gaming, I don't know. Just a bit uncomfortable for me (not the gaming, the gathering of strangers)

I'm just unsure that inviting a girl when you aren't going is a good thing to do. My understanding that it is a very tight community. I would be jealous too.

[healingme4me]

I've been in the middle of reading about relationships in a book that I was gifted with. The book, etc., isn't as important than finding literature that discusses being accountable to one another in a relationship. I guess, why place oneself in a questionable situation? People do play games online, each and every day. Some people like different styles of games. My late stepdad would play online and had "friends" that would send uplifting messages of hope and thoughts and all that. Men and Women alike. My mom even was included in the hi's and hello's. I think that if he even considered meeting one of the women, outside of the pleasantries, eyebrows would have been raised, not just by my mom, if that makes sense?

[divine1966]

My dad is playing chess online and knows plenty of people all over the world from chess communit. No way he'd go and meet and invite women places!

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[popuri88]

If I got "gaming con" right, I know what OP is talking about and, while I'd be suspicious and jealous, it's not necessarily a red flag. As a gamer myself, the "gaming universe" is pretty diverse and people are really, really into it, they're mostly not "casual online gamers". I can see a situation where it's all about gaming because you've found someone who can be a nice addition to your team for example, no flirting involved. But I think it's good that OP set up some boundaries, I would have done the same.