New Group- Secret Public Journal

shakespeare47 · 01:50 PM

It helps me to post about these groups I'm involved in. Here's the latest one. It's just described as a men's group, for those who want to get together and talk about things that are issues for men.

D? has been rubbing me the wrong way. I'm not sure what the issue is. I just feel defensive around him. Like I need to prove something to him. And I know that I don't. He's having some real problems with his overly controlling wife.

T? seems like a great guy. I get the sense he's in my corner, so to speak.

S? is an older gentleman who is becoming increasingly frustrated because his wife is having some serious medical issues and has been transferred between the hospital and a nursing home recently, and he is having trouble paying his mortgage.

A? is having problems because his wife was caught twice drinking and driving and caused 2 accidents. She's now in a halfway house, and will be going to court soon.

G? is talking to lawyers about getting a divorce. He hasn't told his wife yet.

N? is a quiet, unassuming guy, and a coin collector. He brings in coins to show around.

shakespeare47 · 07:42 AM

D? appears to be one of those people who say and do things in order to get a reaction. I'm going to make it a point to focus on the people in the group who appear to be better friend material.

shakespeare47 · 07:43 AM

J? is another of the members I forgot to mention (I met with them all again last night). He's a former newspaper reporter, and is loud and funny. He has challenged what I say in rather humorous ways. I mentioned working on a job (I was a construction worker years ago) at a local hospital and told him about tearing down the part of old building. He remarked that he had lived in that city for many years and that his nephew was born in that hospital and told me I didn't know what I was talking about. LOL. I tried to explain I was talking about a different time period, but felt like I was dealing with

"are you telling me I don't know my own brother?).

D didn't bother me all that much, and I was able to focus on T and N.

I feel for S? He seems to be coming apart at the seams. He talks long-windedly about his personal problems and the fact he is having trouble paying his mortgage and cleaning up his house and yard. I suspect he's in his 60's. He is having trouble holding it together now that his wife is in a nursing home (actually, I'm not sure how long she's been there), and the fact she is not doing well, mentally (dementia) or physically. I happened to see his vehicle on my way out, and it looked like he has been living in it, even though it's a never vehicle, and looks good from the outside.

shakespeare47 · Jul 15, 2015, 04:52 PM

I did catch myself apologizing compulsively a few times. Hopefully, no one else noticed, lol.

I feel a little guilty about being judgmental of S? He deserves to be treated with respect. I can't imagine what it would be like to be in his shoes, but I can't imagine it would be much fun to be worried about your wife, and not feel like you have much support from family for friends, and also have your mortgage and house to worry about.

shakespeare47 · Jul 27, 2015, 10:25 AM

Attended the group last night. In attendance
D
N
G (showed up about 30 minutes late)
B (first time I met him)
S? (showed up 10 minutes before we were to end).

The first hour and a half were pretty good, N, D and I had a good chat. I've decided to give D the benefit of the doubt.

D is still trying to figure out how to help his wife with her issues of complaining. She wants to find a new job and he is concerned that she may just bring her issues with her and not like the new job, either.

N is doing okay, but has to decide soon about the treatment options for his prostrate cancer.

B was there for the first time since I started attending, but has attended in the past. His elderly, and his wife recently fell and had to spend some time in the hospital. He mentioned that he hasn't been attending very often because he struggles with depression, and the stories of others in the group tend to depress him.

G's wife is away, and he is still planning on getting a divorce, will serve papers next month.

N, D and I talked about S before anyone else showed up. He does seem to have been having issues even before his wife went into the hospital. I expressed concern and wondered what we could do to help him. We just don't know.

S- is convinced that his wife is talking to him, even though she had a severe stroke and is not expected to live much longer. The staff is convinced he is imagining things. I tend to believe the staff. G is familiar with the case and told S he will need to provide some kind of proof if he wants anyone else to accept what he says.
I've been talking with S from time to time, and find him to be interesting in that he was employed as a historian, and knows quite a bit about ancient history. But, it is rather inconvenient that he shows up so late, and then talks at some length about his frustrations.

shakespeare47 · Jul 27, 2015, 11:10 AM

The group does appear to be functioning fairly well. I am a little concerned in that we're at a loss as to how to help S.

T, N and even D seem like pretty decent guys.

Open Eyes · Jul 27, 2015, 12:40 PM

I think the best thing to do for S is just be "there" to listen. He shows up late shakesphere because he is probably pushing himself to go to the group meeting. My guess is that while he may be thinking about distracting himself with the group topic, he ends up just venting to the group about his challenge because he is really at such a loss.

If someone experiences a challenge like this with a life partner, it really is a loss because all of a sudden that partner is just not there and a person begins to recognize the significance of what that other person meant to them. Everyone I have ever talked to that either is challenged with a situation S is dealing with or a total loss has talked about how incredibly lonely they are. In this situation if it was happening with someone other than someone's significant other, the couple would be experiencing this challenge together. Well, S doesn't have that so he really is facing a huge life challenge on his own.

It was nice of the group to "listen" to him and even to just "be there" for him the way you all were. And you are right shakesphere, maybe the staff is right and S is experiencing what many do where they feel the challenged individual is really there and responding when in reality the outlook is poor. In that case S will just have to work through this challenge one day at a time and the group can support him best by listening and being "there" so he can just talk it out while he tries to move forward with this very challenging experience.

Sometimes individuals can suffer from a stroke and damage yet with help can recover and do a lot in spite of the damage. It depends on the individual's age, overall health, and how much damage is really present. Sometimes it ends where the individual simply suffers too much damage and may not survive.

Jul 28, 2015, 06:59 AM

Very good advice from Open Eyes.

Would like to add, is S receiving support from appropriate agencies/charities which specialise in dementia support? Might there be specific peer support groups he can access which other people who are going/have been through the same thing attend?

Other than that I do have to say I have misgivings about the ethics of writing an online journal about a support group you attend. I volunteer in peer support and confidentiality is a big consideration to us.

shakespeare47 · 07:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Very good advice from Open Eyes.

Would like to add, is S receiving support from appropriate agencies/charities which specialise in dementia support? Might there be specific peer support groups he can access which other people who are going/have been through the same thing attend?

Other than that I do have to say I have misgivings about the ethics of writing an online journal about a support group you attend. I volunteer in peer support and confidentiality is a big consideration to us.

I'm of the opinion that since I am anonymous, that I'm not doing any harm. I am protecting their identities. But, I will take your concerns into consideration.

Jul 28, 2015, 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

I'm of the opinion that since I am anonymous, that I'm not dong any harm. I am protecting their identities. But, I will take your concerns into consideration.

Thank you Shakespeare, we are allowed to use anonymised stories (for example in evaluation/publicity purposes) but have to seek consent first if that helps any.

shakespeare47 · Jul 28, 2015, 09:52 AM

I still want to keep an eye on D. He seems to be putting himself in a position of superiority among the other members, and I suspect I'm not the only one who notices it.

Open Eyes · Jul 28, 2015, 10:44 AM

It might be that D is just looking for a way to build up his self esteem, his wife is most likely threatening that and unfortunately he may just be on the defensive to anyone else that pokes at him. That is a could be, or, you may be seeing "why" his wife is having a hard time with him. ( you might be able to relate with her more than him OR you may be able to relate with him if it's the wife that is bringing this out in him.)

However, this group is interacting under an ideology and they are reading or want to find books or literature that validates that ideology. If you bring in any ideas or literature that questions that and expect them to accept something that challenges the very thing they prefer to "validate", then they are not going to be very receptive. This will happen with "any" group that relates under an umbrella of some kind of overall "belief". These groups typically have some kind of gate keeper (R) that will behave exactly the way you are experiencing this isidiousness.

What you are seeing is how these different individuals have "challenges", and in that alone, they get together under the umbrella of a general belief that has a base of agreement while they also work through their individual challenges. If anyone questions or disagrees or tries to disprove that "base belief", they will have to face the scorn of the gate keeper. That is how human beings are.

shakespeare47 · Jul 28, 2015, 11:01 AM

@Open Eyes
There is no book or common belief. We just talk about whatever is on our minds.

Open Eyes · Jul 28, 2015, 05:46 PM

Ok,

I see, a different set of individuals.

shakespeare47 · 07:05 AM

The group went pretty well last night. We talked at length about how to help S (he always shows up very late). He is absolutely a hoarder, and is just having trouble taking care of himself, his house, car and dog.

The trouble I'm having is knowing just how much to hold him responsible for. He's affected enough that he doesn't even realize he's having a problem with his own life. He's been a hoarder for a long time, and now that his wife is hospitalized, all he focuses on is her.

Apparently, he's having problems just keeping his lawn mowed, and paying his garbage bill so they pick up his garbage.

We all agreed that he would probably be benefited by some counseling. And when he showed up, we talked to him about that possibility. I've noticed that he has an incredibly hard time staying on topic, and can ramble at length without dealing with the real issues.

shakespeare47 · 10:53 AM

We met again last night.
I was a little frustrated with myself for sharing unsolicited advice. It has been a habit of mine, one I'd like to nip in the bud.

I find I want them to like me, and I sometimes feel like I'm blowing it.
Even that feeling of wanting them to like me is a absurd, on close consideration. I don't know them well enough to judge whether or not they would be a good influence on me, or if spending time with them would be beneficial to me. They are all older than I am. D may be the closest in age, but I'll bet he is in his late 50's. So, probably 10 years older.

3 of them are having serious relationship issues with their wives. I would like to find ways for our (my wife and I) relationship to flourish. They, on the other hand, appear to have given up.

shakespeare47 · Aug 24, 2015, 03:58 PM

I think I can predict that, based on their reactions to my unsolicited advice, they will make disingenuous requests for advice in the future.

shakespeare47 · Aug 25, 2015, 07:38 AM

I do see myself trying hard to engage with the others, while they all, for the most part, are happy being shallow. So, basically, I'm trying too hard.