[FeelingHopeful]

Saw the gf of a close friend of mine for the 4th time on a bus I take to work , we do not know each other , and its a awkward situation , but I get very upset if I get on the bus and she's on , first time I managed to hold it together but last few times I have to get off bus , I need to take this bus , have no choice , I want to find out situation if its a everyday thing if I need to hang my routine which is impossible ��, but I can't ask the male friend of mine , ( its his gf ) , and i don't want alot of people to know I'm a quiet person , anyone have advice ?? I'm crying so much ��

I'm not sure what you are upset and have to leave the bus. Why is it awkward?

[divine1966]

I am also confused on why you are upset seeing this person on the bus especially since you two don't even know each other?

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[FeelingHopeful]

Its sorta complicated , but we were very close and shared alot , not really bf gf , technically but um kinda emotionally attached I guess you could say , close friends for a long long time , hes like fam to me , he was going through alot and theres stuff I can't talk about but one day I got up and he um uh sorta disappeared kinda , found out about gf , he still is close with fam and friends we have sorta , but with me he doesn't talk , its very confusing but I'm trying to understand I know he struggles with stuff , so I'm trying to be understanding , I know he said if we didn't talk or be friends he would be devastated so to be cut out now is awful , when I see her I just start crying because I feel it , like she's better than me , we shared alot I have his secrets he has mine , hes family , how does this happen? Ps on top of it hes best friends with my brother and talks to him everyday .

[possum220]

Maybe this is only a temporary thing and she will stop using the bus soon? Otherwise if you meet her on the bus maybe you could tactfully say that you havent seen her on the bus before and hopefully she will tell you why.

Otherwise if it still makes things uncomfortable for you could you take an earlier bus to get you to your destination?

[FeelingHopeful]

I will always keep our secrets among us , I wont betray him ever but I know he's told me so much but can't tell me something important but wishes he can so oi question is this why he went to another girl? Because of our friendship / and maybe more at times , and his close association with my family , who were like his family is that why ge can't tell me he said he knows I wont judge him but can't bring himself to tell me but with his heart he wishes he could , maybe cause he doesn't have history with this new girl, that goes yrs back , I k ow they said history /long friendship can make it hard, does this sound right , he thinks I would have memories of how he should be ? Has anyone ever dealt with this ? I'm trying to be there as a friend I reach out , dealing with the gf factor is heartbreaking but I don't wanna lose my friend but losing the friendship is awful , I promised him yrs ago I wouldn't give up on him , and i won't I will be there keep trying but I'm struggling , how do I help /i want my friend back .

[FeelingHopeful]

Possum I thought of that but they live in diff spits , hes in my neighborhood , close by he lives to me , she's in another state , not too far , I think she may come in for the wk , I don't know if she's living here now and I have no way of finding out without involving others and I wont do that I'm a private person , plus I think she knows who I am ��, so now its very uncomfortable , def can't talk to her , I'm stuck bad and I can't take a earlier bus , I live I a area where buses take long time , the bus before is too early and I have before work so the bus I take is last bus I cam take I'm in a bad spot��

I still don't understand why this prevents you riding the bus. Just change seats if you have to. Obviously they aren't bothered, so you have no need to be too.

[FeelingHopeful]

I think I'm bad getting my story across, ��, ill try and make better sense , I know its not intentional , but we were close he was a part of my life , a huge part , then he was gone in a flash ,I found out on fb about gf , we had a CLOSE relationship , that I was blindsided in a way that this happened, I went to sleep with a huge person in my life and woke up and he was gone , I know he doesn't mean to do these things so I can't get mad but it hurts, I feel like I don't exist to him now , I was very good to him , its all confusing ? I know he said in past he doesn't know if ge could ever really hold down a relationship? That they always end bad��, its not a question of changing sears its a normal sized bus , everyday we sit at diff seats , the presscense of her makes me upset , because It means she comes in from out of town and is staying at his house , makes sense if she's his gf but to see it in front of me is heartbreaking , in the beginning I know he used to go visit her in her town , but now if she's in my neighborhood alot I can't go out alot , and when I do have to watch where I go , it hurts because I look ay her , and think she's better than me cause she got him��, and i don't know how i list my friend , its hard to explain but seeing her breaks my heart, i think she knows who i am but not sure , but if she doesn't know me why would she be bothered , ger bf didn't stop talking to her after 15 yrs and very very close relationship, like he did me ? I'm just so confused , so hurt and lost . I miss him alot and then i get on and see her its too much ��

[FeelingHopeful]

He's such a good person that I don't want it to sound like hes a herk, hes a amazing man . This is all soo hard I'm reading stuff on here to try and understand him more what he goes through , why he does this?

[Rose76]

You're afraid to go out and are careful where you go so you don't run into her. That's a very unhealthy way to live. Pain is part of life and it doesn't kill us, unless we give it all kinds of power that we don't have to give it. If you tie yourself up in knots, trying to never be in uncomfortable situations, you will make your life small and cramped. Just tell yourself, "This won't kill me." And it won't. Go on the bus and go anywhere you normally would. That's how you empower yourself.

You can take more pain than you think you can. When you just let it happen, you'll find that it starts to hurt less than cowering in fear avoiding a painful stimulus. Eventually, other relationship you have will crowd out the memory of this friendship that seems to have withered. Cower and hide, and you'll just take longer getting free and moving on. Refuse to let any situation cause you to make yourself small. You'll just become more and more fragile that way. Choose to be bold. If you do, life will give you more.

[Trippin2.0]

I second that! ^


Also, I think you need to be honest with yourself here in order to deal better... Trying to deny, hide or play down your feelings makes things more complicated and thus harder to address.


Your "friend"... This amazing man who refuses to speak to you...


You are head over heals in love with him. He's more than a friend to you, much more, and this gf, you're jealous that she got "your" guy, when you were the one who invested so much time and energy into getting close to him.


This is all natural, normal reactions and feelings to have.


You need to address the reality of these feelings so that you can start to heal, then seeing her on the bus wont traumatize you daily.

[Rose76]

Well said, Trippen!

[FeelingHopeful]

I am not explaining this situation correctly and i apologize I just can't tell the whole story and I'm sorry for that. I know if I could tell the whole story it would be easier to understand , I go out but I just am careful , I don't want to run into her or them together , so I go out of neighborhood , its not like I always stay in , but this is something very painful and not something that wont ever hurt. I just cope with it cause I don't have a choice , its not that he wont speak to me , I know he will eventually , I think hes just having a tough time and I think maybe he doesn't know how to face me , hes not good with his emotions , he struggles / doesn't know how to deal with stress so he avoids situations , I think he may feel guilty because he knows I'm a good friend to him and he disappeared , its happened before and he came back . Hes not a bad person , please know that , he is dealing with alot of stuff , that's why I think sometimes he doesn't realize stuff till after , deep down hes a really really good person. Ps , we sorta had something more than friends at one pt , the story goes way back .

[FeelingHopeful]

Trippin he made the first move whereas the more than friend part goes so you were right on that �� I think he may think because if the friendship it couldn't work and also because of certain things he deals with . I know he said if he can't tell the person hes with it wont work , its too important not to tell a partner , he struggles to tell me , he wants to but can't bring himself too��, so I'm thinking that could be the prob he told me so much and we invested so much in this relationship that I think why would he bring me into his life and trust me with everything and tell me personal stuff NO One knows if he didn't want me in his life ? Hes a good guy so I know theres more to this , hes let on that much , I just dont know whole story��

[divine1966]

I would love to help but I am still incredibly confused on the whole thing

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[~Christina]

I am also very confused.. If your unable to give outmore details and maybe a time line then your probably going to get advise that isn't really what you need or want to hear.

I will say this.. situations are "usually" not as difficult and confusing as we wind up making it our head. I overthink things to the point that I make a mountain outta a molehill .

I am not invalidating your feelings... I'm just not sure what you wanting in the way of support about your confusing situation

[popuri88]

Originally Posted by FeelingHopeful

I just cope with it cause I don't have a choice

I'm also confused, but you already kind of have an answer.

He's been really close to you for years, you were a couple for a short time, then he broke up with you and now he has another girlfriend and you barely speak? Is that what's happening?
What makes you believe that he isn't talking to you because he's going through a hard time? Are you sure you're not making excuses for him? I see you're the one having a hard time here.

[FeelingHopeful]

He told me something very personal, about him and his issues he cannot tell anyone he struggles with depression but its More than depression , he said , and he wants to tell me all of it but bring himself too . But he's sad he can't tell me cause he thinks that if he could we work out��

[Rose76]

You are spending all kinds of effort imagining what's going on in his mind. You don't know. Ultimately, you don't need to know. If he wants to be less close to you than he was in the past, then you two will be less close. He's got this connection with this girl and she has kind of replaced you. That hurts, but things like that happen. You grieve and you move on.

Running in to them together may cause you some pain, but there has got to be a limit to how far you go to plan your daily travels to avoid them. It doesn't sound like you think they are all worried about running into you. There is room in the world for all three of you.

Your question was, "Do I stay quiet?" Were you thinking of doing something different than staying quiet?" What are your options?

[FeelingHopeful]

This is coming out wrong I apologize , If I know she's gonna be on certain days ill walk , it will be difficult to do , since the bus is a big help as far as transportation but I don't wanna get upset in the morning , I usually put on my music and block it out. But if i see her I can't help it , it comes rushing back its not healthy for me so u rather remove myself from the bus for my own health .but if I know she only takes bus mon and Tuesday then rest of wk I can take it . I def think well i know in a way he is very worried about running into me , even though we don't speak , I know in his heart he worries about seeing me upset , hes close with my fam and friends so its sorta how I know that , that's why I think ge doesn't really hang out in neighborhood with her , I think she may know who I am and would be uncomfortable herself , I do not bother them ever , I'm respectful of his relationship regardless of how it started , but we have same friends me and him, we are all one circle of friends so it has put alot of the friends in weird spots , some are confused by his actions , so I think she knows about me , on the bus she didn't look too happy when she saw me , maybe she knows the history with me and him , he was family to me , still is , I just looked at floor when she looked at me. I don't want say anything to anyone because I'm a private girl but I need to find out if its a everyday routine for her so I can figure out what to do . But I can't ask anyone because I don't want him to know I'm asking , and i don't wanna put anyone in a bad spit its selfish of me so I'm lost on what to do , that's my main question ,? I know he worries about never being able to hold down a relationship , at one pt he said he wished he could tell me and it hurt him he couldn't , for his sanity he had to try a relationship

[Rose76]

It sounds like you know what you want to do.

[divine1966]

He told you personal things because that's what people do in relationships. It doesn't mean people can never move on. Relationships often end

There is nothing you can really do but try to move on and live your life. Don't let your past stop you from enjoying your life

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[Rose76]

How you feel now is not how you will feel in ten years . . . . or even in two years.

I think you need to take control of the situation. This means stop thinking about the guy. He should no longer matter to you. Once you have that undercontrol, any issues with her will become non-existent.