[SilverSprings]

Ok, so i have been with my man for 3+ years now. We met online and have a wonderful life together. We have lived together for 1.5 years or so, and both in our 30s. I was married before. He is foreign and about to get his green card very soon through his company. (he never wanted to get married before that would happen).

We have been talking more about the future. He knows well that i suffer w/ mental illness. We are making strides to take next steps. Over the weekend (my birthday is this week) he was typing and typing something- which i know is meant for me (99% sure) and it was when we were on a weekend getaway and he was relaxed, looking at me smiling etc. Ahhhh i have no idea.

I am wondering if it is some kind of plan or proposal? or perhaps just a nice love letter lol. I am just scared to death (in a positive excited way- major butterflies) as to what the heck it is. Im trying to stay humble, he is a VERY planned guy- however he is majorly romantic.

I really have no idea. Anyhow- regardless to what it is, even if it is a silly thing and not grand gesture... I am doing this weird thing lately where i am kind of self-sabotaging. I am so thrilled for us to move forward that it scares me, and i am causing needless drama for us. I need to learn in general to STOP doing this, sometimes excitement of any kind is triggering for me and my mood disorder. I need something to help me relax and enjoy whatever it is coming my way- before i cause something bad to happen.

Hope this makes sense!! <3 thank you!

[Trippin2.0]

Makes sense to me, and I'm not dx'ing you, because my T says the one thing that's fascinating about BPD is that everyone relates to a certain extent, our extent just goes further and deeper, but anyway, my point is... This is the one thing I am actually struggling with atm in therapy, and in ny relationship.


Things are possibly the best they've ever been, and I'm almost "tempted" or compelled to screw it up out of fear.

I know that's not what you mean though, but on some level I do get it.


I'm afraid that my current action plan is not much of one...


I'm trying to just breath it in, accept it, enjoy it, to stay present in the moment and not sabotage us in some way, shape or form.


So far, I haven't screwed up and its been a few weeks now.

[SilverSprings]

Yes, and since- I have just allowed myself to breathe. A friend wants me to join a meditation where they focus on breathing- which sounds really good to me. I am lucky- I recently found someone (at my aunts dental office, lol) a woman who also suffers from the same thing! We have found eachother- and are there as a texting and venting support- she is a little older and so helpful. Just to know that someone else, who seems so professional, put together, goes on rage fits, freaks out on her boyfriend, yet can maintain a good job, be a good mom- it was inspiring to me!

Anyhow, I hope Trippin, that you have success in your rL - good luck! Keep it up if things are going well for a few weeks......

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks SS!


I neeeearly screwed up today, escaped by a hair's breath! Phew 😌


I'm glad you have someone who relates offline, that must be a huge help and relief all in one breath.


I'm sure we can both do this, we just have to remain vigilant.