What is love?

So my mind lives in a disneyfied world. I have always been idealistic where love should feel like it does in the movies and my Prince Charming is tall, dark and handsome like the celebrities I lusted after all my life. When I was younger I had such strong feelings of love (read infatuation) with guys, most of which were unobtainable. However mixed in with the infatuation was some serious self esteem issues and I remained single for a very long time. When my first real boyfriend came through he was not tall, dark and handsome. More like gangly, geeky and sweet. I'll be the first to say there wasn't a physical attraction right away. He was unlike most guys I am attracted too. Things progressed quickly. I really enjoyed my time with him, he was incredibly sweet and so much fun to be around.

So another thing you should know about me, I dwell. One of the fun side affects of anxiety. Pretty early I realized I didn't have those feelings of infatuation that I had growing up with him. There weren't really butterflies. There was this unbelievable trust and comfort I felt with him though. Like I could be me. 100% me. I knew he wouldn't judge me. Now you'd think that that would be enough but in my messed up mind I couldn't get past not having butterflies and feeling the infatuation feelings I was expecting to have. He would smile at me and tell me that he still gets butterflies looking at me. I would feel so guilty because while I was excited he was there, there weren't butterflies. Fast forward to today. We are no longer together because I had a massive bout of anxiety and depression and I talked myself out of this wonderful relationship because I wasn't feeling what I thought I should be. What the movies and pop culture say love should be like.

The point I'm trying to get to is what is love to you. Does it have to be all rainbows and googly eyes? In meeting with my therapist we have discussed that it's not like that with everyone and I can't beat myself up for just not being the type of person that gets super lovey dovey. Plus what's it say when I do get those feelings I'm searching for they are always for a guy that sucks. I recently reconnected with one of those childhood infatuations and those hormonal feelings came back but the guy has changed so much we have nothing in common and I don't feel secure and comfortable with him. I always feel like I'm being judged but damn it, I still have the lingering emotions. I just don't know what to do. I would trade the childhood crush for my ex any day of the week but I can't shake the anxiety that comes with not having the 'in love' feelings. Obviously I recognize that love isn't a fairy tale. It will never be perfect and those feelings if felt are often short lived as the realities of life and being in a relationship come to a head. I'm just really struggling with what my heart wants to feel vs what a healthy relationship may actually look like for me.

This post really got away from me. Lol sorry about the novel

The strongest chemistry with rainbows and butterflies I fell was for people who were very wrong for me. My therapist says our bodies respond to familiar feelings. Familiar is attraction to unavailable people ( for me) and that comes from having unavailable family of origin ( for me).

So not feeling intense chemistry sometimes is a sign that something unfamiliar is happening which is often a good sign. Now it's true for me. I suspect for you too as you said those men weren't obtainable. Next time you meet a nice guy just stick around and see how it goes. Don't run away if you don't have butterflies. Give it time

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I think people's definitions are nearly as unique as people are themselves, which is part of what makes the process of finding each other take time. Personally, I prefer the solid love of friendship to the more volatile romantic love, and for romance to develop out of strong friendship instead of out in the wilds.

I like how Rilke describes it:

“I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people—that each protects the solitude of the other.” — Rainer Maria Rilke

in which solitude can mean many things.. but I think the best kind of mutuality and love than can occur involves trust that develops through patience, to ultimately be able to share our secrets with persons we know will protect that which is most sacred and private to us, whatever those things might be. The things we keep in the sanctum sanctus, about which we feel the most tender.

For me, tempering my inclination to "fall" in love or otherwise put relatively too much faith in things early on, has been well worth the effort. I think that there is a certain amount of giving up on rationality that is always involved with falling in love in that way, which can put too much pressure on a growing affection despite it seeming sometimes like the greatest idea at the time. Just my experience. If you meet someone you don't initially feel "chemistry" with, it could just be the result of them similarly tempering their energies, with interest in developing solid connections rather than .. earlier and more volatile rewards. That could be a good thing.

Love? Temporary madness (form of), when you are older you will sublimate all that nonsense into something less tiresome such as an interest in steam railway locomotives or such and feel so much better.

When I think of the word love, I become confused.

I could aimlessly ramble on about the topic but I would never "hit" the choice of words that would perfectly describe my self definition of love. Though, I could say that I am thinking about buying pop tarts.

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more..

Sorry. I had to lol. Well, love means different things to different people. In my opinion, the type of love you are explaining is unsustainable. I did have that type of relationship once, and although it was amazing it was also extremely hard and heartbreaking. Eventually, like most relationships like that it did eventually end. It's been over two years and I still haven't got over it. And like you, I keep thinking that my next relationship needs to be like that.

It isn't a bad thing to wish for, but I think that it's very hard to keep a relationship like that going. The fact is, infatuation is unhealthy. Although the feelings of love are extremely intense, everything else is intensified as well. People also tend to become obsessive and jealous in relationships like that. And a lot of people would say that infatuation isn't love at all, and in some ways I agree and in some ways I disagree. I guess there are different kinds of infatuation.

There are ways to keep an intense relationship going, of course, but there has to be very good communication and trust. You also both have to be able to give each other space if needed. I don't think that you have to give up on finding the perfect guy for you, but remember the perfect partner is different things to different people. He doesn't have to be the "tall, dark, and handsome" you are describing, as long as he is perfect to you. And while love does require physical attraction in my opinion, you don't always have to be extremely attracted to someone to eventually fall in love with them. Sometimes that attraction builds naturally by falling in love with their other qualities first. My ex wasn't the dream girl I had always imagined, but she was perfect to me and I fell in love with her imperfections too.

So that brings me to your original question. To me, love is a bond. It's a bond that is unbreakable. That doesn't mean that you won't ever break up, but to me when you are truly in love with someone you always will love them. You might have to move on and find someone else, but they will always be in your heart. That is the way it is for me at least, although my ex and I have been separated for so long, she's always going to have a place in my heart no matter what and I will cherish the good memories we shared together.

Really though, you just have to figure out what love is to YOU. Because the definition is different for everyone.

Thank you for always bringing so much good humor to these threads.

You also happen to be absolutely correct. I've yet to find my own steam railway locomotive type hobby, but the search is much less trying than any romantic quest ever was.

Love is nothing more than a chemical process in the brain. It's a necessity for survival, but beyond that, love serves no other practical purpose.

Did you see the movie Juno? I loved the definition of love which Juno's dad gave to her. And how he and Brenda are happy together while they are completely "boring" and non-glamourous.
When I think about what I wish for myself in the future, I see an authentic relationship like this.

Besides attraction a healthy relationship needs trust and respect. If you don't have that to build on it will never work.

'my only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown and known too late! Prodigious birth of love it is to me, That I must love a loathed enemy'. - Romeo and Juliet

Love is a verb

Hahaha I had the same song come into my head when I wrote the headline. On a more serious note, I loved what you said about love. I can really relate to you and your ex. With the same guy I spoke of, it's been a year and very obviously this has not gotten better. I wrote him a letter. I'll never give it to him, it was more to get out my feelings and I told him how much I love him and he will always have my heart. Now to me that should be enough for me to believe it but it's like the anxiety monster jumps on my back whenever I think about how I love him and just keeps making me think I'm lying to myself. Like I can't really love him when I think about how irritated I get by his flaws. It really says more about me then him, I know. It's kinda like how can I love a man that is so opposite of what I wanted. My heart knows that who he is at the core is what I want in a man but the shallow traits are what my anxiety riddled mind focuses on. I don't know though. I have examined this conundrum from every possible angle and I still feel just as stuck as ever. We broke up because I thought this anxiety would go away. It's still here. Now I wonder if I jumped the gun and ruined a great thing.

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I guess it's time to take up knitting or something!

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Disney and RomComs have killed the true meaning of love. Yes, its nice to have those feelings of infatuation, but they NEVER last. Some people will tell you that they've been *in love* with their partner for decades, but this is by far the exception.

Interestingly, I recently read an article about how many relationships end after so long because one party realizes the other party no longer makes them feel the same way anymore. Well, its sort of a "duh" kind of thing.....feelings change over time (this is to be expected). The article also gave the view of how people are selfish in their pursuits, and instead of working on relationships, they jump ship when the other person stops making them feel good. Well, nothing good comes easy and the best things in life take work. Its nobody else's responsibility to make you feel happy. It was a *bells going off in my head* sort of moment because I finally realized just how many people get into relationships only because *you* can make them feel good. (I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me.....yes, we all get into relationships to get something out of it, but I guess my point is that I am a bit sick of encountering this selfish "its all about what YOU do for ME" sort of attitude.)

Infatuation....doesn't last. Those lovey-dovey butterflies in the stomach feelings....they don't last. Feelings for someone within the first few months? I'd argue that its simply infatuation as true, enduring love does indeed take time. (Or, alternatively, I even argue that what many call "in love" is still just deep infatuation.....I've had enough guys in the infatuation phase tell me that they love me, when they really don't know the first thing about me.)

True love....is more along the lines of knowing someone, flaws and all, and accepting ALL of them, knowing that you will be there for each other through the good times AND the bad, and not jumping ship when the seas get a little rough. (Lots of people walk away when the relationship isn't *easy*.....I say good luck to them....they will never know true enduring love.)

Excellent post!!!!

after a few heartaches, love is showing another person respect. To care for someone beyond yourself. I think that googly eyes your referring to is the "honeymoon phase" which typically goes away unless you work at it. Love is that deeper beyond what someone looks like but who they are, their character and flaws and accepting them for who they are.

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Love is Shiney..but extremely Rare