[Purple Heart]

Can anybody relate?

I come from a dysfunctional family where after tremendous research, have concluded that I'm the scapegoat in the family. I've even heard comments before that I'm crazy (by my father). The point is my ENTIRE LIFE I have tried to do good acts to get my family's approval but I still get a sense they think I'm the bad apple or the crazy one. Out of my whole family I've had the most education - after school, I've been to many colleges and university where I got a degree. I work in the teaching profession where I do good work, I pay my taxes and have no criminal record. But even then I don't feel valued. Sometimes I feel like I've murdered someone with how people shun me and people view me with derision. What makes it more crazy is that everybody adores my mother and she is placed on a pedestal. She never does anything wrong and it is all about keeping her happy - her feelings are paramount to everybody else's.

No matter what I do, I never feel 'good enough'. I feel I can never be ok and must always try that little harder to get their approval. But I never win especially when I do believe that one of my sisters is undertaking a smear campaign against me. Why do I say that? Because people that use to talk to me (that she also knows), don't talk to me anymore. I am the 'unseen' because if these people that I call 'family', saw me the way my friends see me, I would get respect and attention.

Is anybody else going through what I'm going through and feel that they are the 'unseen' also? Please reply.

PH

I'm interested to know if you feel that your sister or another family member are the primary source of this bullying? Do you think perhaps the other family members are tagging along or encouraged - even pressed - into treating you terribly too by this person. Is there one person who isn't influenced by the primary bully?

Just trying to understand your situaion. Thus far it sounds familiar.

[Purple Heart]

Originally Posted by rcat

I'm interested to know if you feel that your sister or another family member are the primary source of this bullying? Do you think perhaps the other family members are tagging along or encouraged - even pressed - into treating you terribly too by this person. Is there one person who isn't influenced by the primary bully?

Just trying to understand your situaion. Thus far it sounds familiar.

Hi rcat

I've been bullied my whole life but my mother is the main bully. After a lot of research I believe she is a covert narcissist. This means she appears caring, humble and friendly but behind close doors she is manipulative, controlling and enjoys splitting her children to turn against each other. She never once had admitted to mistakes. She never praises or validates me and overall I feel ignored. Everybody seems to follow her lead causing some to stop talking to me. Everybody believes her story and she is revered. She also I think displays a victim mentality that if someone upsets her she looks for sympathy from others. The question is what have I done to be ostracised? Am I really that bad? I've seen documentaries where even convicted murderers and rapists still get family visitations in jail and maintain contact. Surely I'm better than them.

[Mid-Life-Larry]

Hi Purple Heart,
I think you hit the nail on the head; from what I've read, your describing classic Narcissism. I'm lucky and only have to deal with "my narcissist" a few times a year. -- try to build your own inner-strength. the only approval you need is your own!! peace.

thx PH, I now have a much better Idea of what is going on. Sounds very much like my own mother. I too have thought she might be a narcissist. That she was bipolar I am sure too. I won't go into the rant other than to point out that I was prone to bullying and she was the chief amongst them. She also seemed to influence family to bully and treat me terribly too - it was like a roving pack of high school kids eagre to keep the popular one happy with them.

I am guessing that your mom is very charismatic too. That she appears to other people to be the most wonderful thing since sliced bread. It makes it harder then to find support.

Are you able to cut yourself off from that part of your lfe? You simply aren't going to be able to change it I'm sorry. I moved far away.

Is there a family member that hasn't been reined in by her? I had an aunt that would even speak up in my defense. I never went to any family function unless she would be present.

I'm sorry I have no solutions that come to mind. Your story is painful to me.

[Purple Heart]

Originally Posted by rcat

thx PH, I now have a much better Idea of what is going on. Sounds very much like my own mother. I too have thought she might be a narcissist. That she was bipolar I am sure too. I won't go into the rant other than to point out that I was prone to bullying and she was the chief amongst them. She also seemed to influence family to bully and treat me terribly too - it was like a roving pack of high school kids eagre to keep the popular one happy with them.

I am guessing that your mom is very charismatic too. That she appears to other people to be the most wonderful thing since sliced bread. It makes it harder then to find support.

Are you able to cut yourself off from that part of your lfe? You simply aren't going to be able to change it I'm sorry. I moved far away.

Is there a family member that hasn't been reined in by her? I had an aunt that would even speak up in my defense. I never went to any family function unless she would be present.

I'm sorry I have no solutions that come to mind. Your story is painful to me.

Hi rcat

Thank you for your concerns. I know I can't change them but it's also very painful that your 'flesh and blood' does not accept you for who you are. I've heard of many people that go 'no contact'. I may have to consider that as I've seen many relatives that use to talk to me, no longer talk to me. I'm the unseen, have been all my life. I thought about going no contact but still struggle with that idea. A whole life history to shut off from your life leaves me feeling overwhelmed and scared.

PH

I just wish I had a solution. Mine presented itself in her passing which is not the way one would wish such things go. What's interesting tho is that it seemed a giant sigh of relief was released. Her web of control and bullying was spread far and wide. I was in my 40s before I finally had relationships with my father and brother - both freely admit to having stood idly by while she tormented me. Both have suggested her control affected their own relationships particularly me.

[Scapedaughter]

Purple Heart....I feel your pain....38 years as the primary scapegoat in my family, another soul destroying blowout this weekend....I have made the decision to walk away....rather than share my whole story, I will share my final letter to these people that I should be able to call family....

Dear Family,

This is what I never got the chance to say…..bit of theme there for me there. Amongst all of the many vicious and hurtful things my brother said to me he also added that I always write “pathetic”, “grandiose” and “self-gratifying” letters to people in this family stupidly expecting that to change things……….“you and your letters Scapegoat”…... I wonder why someone would feel they had to resort to writing letters to be heard?

What I wanted to say on Sunday morning, in front of you all, was that I no longer want to find myself in this situation again and so therefore I won’t be spending time with this family when certain members of this family who actively mistreat me are present. I think my reasons for making this decision should be fairly obvious. I have every right to protect myself from the kind of abuse that I have experienced from my brother, the worst factor being that it is always sudden, out of the blue and extremely damaging to me as a person. I have long ago given up trying to engage this family with any problem solving or healing around the matter, and so now my only option is self-removal from the problem. It was important for me to be able to say this out in the open so there could be no confusion or misinterpretation at a later date. Another trick in the dysfunctional family handbook, if we don’t hear then we can pretend to be shocked and disappointed later, and our illusion of a happy family can remain intact. If we refuse to hear the truth, then the truth does not exist.

What happened on Sunday morning was fairly run of the mill for me in this family, I was dismissed, literally forbidden to speak, screamed over, and I was accused of raining on the collective parade, blamed for being drunk - therefore invalid, and scapegoated for a family problem, or dysfunction, that has been going on in one form or another for most of my life. In that moment I was publicly vilified and my brother was publicly vindicated, it’s that simple, I was left twisting in the wind…..again. That is when I realised that this situation will never improve and the big reason for that is that it is never going to be supported to improve. It is far easier to blame me, discredit me, and invalidate me than it is to face the problem and deal with it. It is a shame I could not have been heard in that moment, because the ensuing result is that I now fully realise the extent of the complicity of all members of this family in this dysfunction, the great illusion, and the universal truth within this family that no matter what the situation is “I am always wrong”.

What happened on Saturday evening, is that I asked my brother, in a polite and enquiring way for some clarity around his capricious interactions with me which I find incredibly confusing, and quite frankly nerve-wracking a well as confidence destroying. I intentionally did this before he turned on me, once again an attempt to fix things on my part. This is just one of the many different ways that I have tried to attempt some kind of normal relationship with him. A relationship that doesn’t involve his spending hours or even days at a time being quite pleasant and nice to me, only to find myself being ambushed into a scene where I am being totally abused, with a certain level of glee on his part I might add, and told in all the many ways I am a failure, a looser, an asshole, an evil *****, a nutter, totally less than him in every way, and various other vile and insulting attacks on who I am as a person. These out of the blue searing and vitriolic indictments are extremely hurtful, damaging, and totally undeserved. My brother actually takes pleasure in trying to deconstruct me as a person, and it’s not very hard for me to think that he lays the path for me intentionally, the whole time plotting to turn the tables on me, assassinate me, and then watch me fall apart.

So yes, on Saturday night I tried to turn the tables on him. I asked him why he bothered being nice to me, when his feelings about me are quite the opposite. I was told quite simply, because it “makes him a better person than me”, stellar logic I must say. Toy with a sibling whom you know is longing to have a relationship with you by being incredibly nice to them, only to launch into a vicious attack on them when they are completely alone, vulnerable and unable to escape the situation. These are not the actions of a “better person”. So yes, I completely lost the plot at him, for once, and not very surprisingly I end up being the asshole. Interestingly enough, it doesn’t really matter what I do, I will always inevitably end up being the asshole. This was nothing to do with me being drunk Mother, and everything to do with years of severe abuse piled upon me by my brother, which has been totally sanctioned by a family who chooses to censor me and censure me. The only option I am ever given by the family is to pretend that these things aren’t happening, to want more than that automatically makes me wrong. You see I think you must be all secretly relieved that it happens to me instead of you, it’s very easy for you all to expect me to “deal with it” because it’s not happening to you, its always me. Maybe you think that I can “handle it”, well you are wrong, I can’t “handle it” anymore.

What I am always being told, by all of you, separately in your own way, and as a group is that my feelings don’t matter, my experience does not matter, that I should take one for the team (My brother and Sian’s mistreatment and abuse), and let sleeping dogs lie…..well those dogs are definitely not sleeping, they are well and truly awake and ready to attack at any moment. You may all want to gloss over it, avoid the elephant in the room and pretend its all cool, but it will not be at my expense anymore.

I have come to realise with startling clarity, that no matter what I do I am the asshole. If I try to engage family members in any problem solving or healing, I am an asshole. If I react badly to abuse, mistreatment or unfairness, I am an asshole. If I try to avoid the pain and harm of this dysfunctional and toxic situation, I am an asshole. So I think I will choose the scenario that will cause me the least pain and harm, knowing full well that I remain the asshole, “the difficult one”, the “drama queen”, the “overly sensitive one”, “it’s your problem Scapegoat”, “don’t involve us”, “don’t drag everyone else into this”, “you are over reacting”, “you’re making yourself miserable”, “you are emotionally blackmailing”, “you are inventing facts”, “your experience is not real”, “your feelings are not valid”, “it’s all in your head”….….all the things that you have all kindly said to me and labelled me with over the years in order to get me to shut up, go away, put up with mistreatment, justify yourselves and make me the problem.

I have become my brother’s whipping boy, he can safely vent all his fury at the world on me because he knows no one will stick up for me, no one in this family, and certainly no one in this town. Yes he actually used my ex’s nasty nickname “Crazy” on me on Saturday, he actually went that low, and he had this bizarre, self-satisfied smile on his face the whole time. He knows he can treat me however he pleases, he doesn’t have to take responsibility, he doesn’t have to feel remorse or shame, he can turn around and blame me afterwards knowing full well he can use my own reactive distress against me to make himself look reasonable and make me look bad. He is neatly able to slide all of it off on to my plate knowing full well that people will either look the other way (at best) or join in with him (at worst). He can even pile more abuse on me by discussing me with others in my community, confirming that I am indeed “Crazy”, he should know, he is my brother after all “If her own brother thinks she is crazy, she really must be crazy”. There are no repercussions for him whatsoever, zilch, zero, nada. As it is now, he can repeatedly set me up by tricking me into a false sense of security, gaslight the **** out of me, rip me to shreds, watch me fall apart, and walk away with the support of the whole family behind him. You will deny this wholeheartedly, but your silence can be read as support.

You give me no other option…..I refuse to be a part of this anymore……….I will not be the family scapegoat anymore…..

Scapegoat