[marmaduke]

I'm always suspious of parents that children/adults label as 'Wonderful'

Why would a parent be wonderful. If they feed, support, love, clothe, give warmth & shelter to their child thats not being wonderful, thats being a normal loving parent.

My niece is called 'wonderful' by her daughter (who seems like a nice girl) But my niece is actually a narissistic horror, utterly self absorbed she who abandoned her first two chilldren one a new born. Her parenting skills are poor though she can put on a 'good show' for an audiance.
IMO people who call parents amazing/wonderful have often been brainwashed, gaslighted by those parents. Fed a lie. And they believe it cos, parents tell the truth, right?

My father always told me I was 'So lucky'
Funny, I never felt remotely lucky.

Scott Peck who wrote 'The people of the lie' found a declaration of 'My parents are Wonderful' by a patient was usually a big Red Flag.
He would slowly unravel the story, and find parents who were utterly inadaquate.
So, have you got 'Wonderful' parents? Are you sure they are wonderful, or, is it an illusion?

I think my parents are ordinary people who have tried their best to give their kids a good life, we are both middle aged adults now. Sure they have made mistakes but so have I. Growing up IMO is realising your parents aren't perfect.

I don't think it occurs to me to call them wonderful or any such thing, we are all just flawed people doing our best. I do let them know I love them, I won't have them forever.

As a parent myself it certainly wouldn't occur to me to describe myself as 'wonderful', I doubt my child would call me that. I do my best and know he loves me, that's all I could ever ask for.

I would call my parents pretty wonderful. Were they perfect? Of course not, but they really are beautiful people. They are both in their 80's now, so our time with them is drawing short, but we have been blessed with their love and guiding presence.

What makes them wonderful? They're just genuinely good people. They raised us in a home where we always felt their loving and safe presence. We didn't have much, but we never lacked in what was most important: they modeled a strong, living faith, strength of family and character, healthy values, commitment and acceptance in relationships. It was no illusion. They truly are good people that I have been blessed with. Not perfect, no, but perfectly human and loving individuals.

[nicoleflynn]

My mother was physically and verbally abusive and my dad abandoned us. However, I used my life story and won a scholarship! Sophomore at 68.

[ethanbridges]

Interesting topic here.

Well, I can say my parents are wonderful. They may not be in the eyes of other people, but to me they are. They're not perfect. Who is perfect?

As we grow older, however, we discover things about them that aren't quite right. Still wonderful? Yes. They're not a supreme being, who's perfect and all. Brainwashed? We may have been, but our relationships are strong, our bond is strong that as long as we live, we'll be there for each other.

I love my folks but I try not to compensate what they have done for me (raising me up, feeding me, sending me to school, etc.) It could be debatable, but at least I (try to) love them simply because I love them. No "because's" whatsoever.

Well, at least to me.

Ain't that normal?

[marmaduke]

I don't think its normal to describe parents as 'wonderful'

Prefabsprout
As a parent myself it certainly wouldn't occur to me to describe myself as 'wonderful', I doubt my child would call me that. I do my best and know he loves me, that's all I could ever ask for.

Now thats normal

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

My mother was physically and verbally abusive and my dad abandoned us. However, I used my life story and won a scholarship! Sophomore at 68.

Well done.
Can I read your life story?

[marmaduke]

I suppose I'm trying to say that the most abusive of parents insist they are 'wonderful' that they did their best. Nothing is ever their fault.

Thinking of for instance Amy Winehouse, the new drama made of her life is being slammed by her parents, particularly father Mitch who I gather is not shown in a good light.
He is incensed, raging saying he is 'going to sue'.

But much research was done by the producers to get to the truth.

Mitch is a raving narcissist who will do anything for attention. He was not a good father.
But does he admit it Noooooooooooo for a second, says he was a great father and has NOTHING to blame himself for.
Funny that, because many of the genuinely normal, good parents I know reguarly beat themselves up over stuff 'should have done this, should have done that blah, blah, blah' (and they don't need to)

Mitch & co think they're perfect.

[*Laurie*]

??? If someone truly feels his/her parents are wonderful, so be it.

[Perna]

I'm with PoppyRoad, "wonderful" is in the eye of the beholder. I know what you mean when you say, "If they feed, support, love, clothe, give warmth & shelter to their child that's not being wonderful, that's being a normal loving parent" but if they do that at considerable cost to themselves, how is that not wonderful? There is nothing normal about good loving, too many do not give or receive it for me to yawn about it and expect it as "normal".

Maybe this also has a cultural aspect. From my observation US culture/language tends to be more effusive than the UK.

[Bad_Wolf]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

I'm always suspious of parents that children/adults label as 'Wonderful'

Why would a parent be wonderful. If they feed, support, love, clothe, give warmth & shelter to their child thats not being wonderful, thats being a normal loving parent.

My niece is called 'wonderful' by her daughter (who seems like a nice girl) But my niece is actually a narissistic horror, utterly self absorbed she who abandoned her first two chilldren one a new born. Her parenting skills are poor though she can put on a 'good show' for an audiance.
IMO people who call parents amazing/wonderful have often been brainwashed, gaslighted by those parents. Fed a lie. And they believe it cos, parents tell the truth, right?

My father always told me I was 'So lucky'
Funny, I never felt remotely lucky.

Scott Peck who wrote 'The people of the lie' found a declaration of 'My parents are Wonderful' by a patient was usually a big Red Flag.
He would slowly unravel the story, and find parents who were utterly inadaquate.
So, have you got 'Wonderful' parents? Are you sure they are wonderful, or, is it an illusion?

Yeah, I can't relate to that whatsoever lol. My parents sucked, no question about it. But yeah, I can see where that would raise some red flags. Like do you believe they were so good because you weren't worthy of such love? Well, where did you even get that notion in the first place if they're so awesome? I've said something similar about former lovers who drove me to believe they were doing me a favor to love me so much. They tore down my value and acted as though *I* was the lucky one for them having stayed with me. Normally, I would think this is just how families are supposed to be, loving and supportive... nurturing, even though my own was never this way. So yeah, your parents are just parents. There's no superhero factor to loving your own kid one would think.

[marmaduke]

I've said something similar about former lovers who drove me to believe they were doing me a favor to love me so much. They tore down my value and acted as though *I* was the lucky one for them having stayed with me.

Bad Wolf, yeah exactly. Thats it, you 'get it'.

[Fuzzybear]

I personally have also found that abusive parents insist they are "wonderful" and that, naturally, nothing is or was ever their fault

[AncientMelody]

I have mixed feelings on this topic.

On one hand: I understand where you're coming from. In some families, there is overcompensation. My family had possibly dysfunctional closeness, we were enmeshed. My father was(is?) a functional alcoholic and alcohol made him very angry. And there was denial.....so yeah I'm sure I raved about how "wonderful" it all was.

on the other hand: My mom is a very flawed person, but she was to me growing up a wonderful mom. every warm and fuzzy emotion the sterotypical mom gives, and all the things that you'd imagine a "perfect" mom she might do, well she did.

So I can see both sides

I agree. Any parent who touts themselves as "wonderful" is covering for something. They may or not be truly abusive, but if they ever utter the words that they are wonderful, it means there is something that they are trying to cover for. They know that in some way they failed their kids, so they try to cover it over to the kid and to themselves by putting up the front that they were "wonderful".

I agree with a previous poster: if a child wants to call their parents "wonderful," what is not normal about that? I think I'm missing something. Descriptors are pretty subjective. I think my cat is wonderful. Other people may think she's a pain in the *** lol.

Now, if my mother said she was a wonderful mother, that would be wrong. But I don't call her wonderful either.

[ChipperMonkey]

It is definitely worse on the mommy side. In US culture, being a mother is something to be highly regarded (even if you're **** for a mom). Mother's day is the most widely celebrated holiday. The online internet movement for mommies pretty much has them all touting themselves as "SUPER mommies!" I am childless, but it is a bit nauseating. I just want to say uhm ok you're doing what every mom is supposed to do, why the need to constantly pat yourself on the back? Yeah, I know this post won't be popular, but given that I've seen the darkest of the dark in terms of what mommies can do, I guess maybe I'm a little jaded (but not completely). The super-mommy movement is waaay over the top.

FYI I'm reading a book right now on healing from having a narcissistic mother. Its very validating. There is a cultural expectation to put mommies up on a pedestal and if you dare badmouth a mother? Whoa, you're an outcast. Badmouthing daddies is MUCH more culturally accepted....."Deadbeat Dad" anyone?

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

It is definitely worse on the mommy side. In US culture, being a mother is something to be highly regarded (even if you're **** for a mom). Mother's day is the most widely celebrated holiday. The online internet movement for mommies pretty much has them all touting themselves as "SUPER mommies!" I am childless, but it is a bit nauseating. I just want to say uhm ok you're doing what every mom is supposed to do, why the need to constantly pat yourself on the back? Yeah, I know this post won't be popular, but given that I've seen the darkest of the dark in terms of what mommies can do, I guess maybe I'm a little jaded (but not completely). The super-mommy movement is waaay over the top.

FYI I'm reading a book right now on healing from having a narcissistic mother. Its very validating. There is a cultural expectation to put mommies up on a pedestal and if you dare badmouth a mother? Whoa, you're an outcast. Badmouthing daddies is MUCH more culturally accepted....."Deadbeat Dad" anyone?

I agree, and I'm a mother - I don't think it's healthy to put anyone on a pedestal.

[Purple Heart]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

It is definitely worse on the mommy side. In US culture, being a mother is something to be highly regarded (even if you're **** for a mom). Mother's day is the most widely celebrated holiday. The online internet movement for mommies pretty much has them all touting themselves as "SUPER mommies!" I am childless, but it is a bit nauseating. I just want to say uhm ok you're doing what every mom is supposed to do, why the need to constantly pat yourself on the back? Yeah, I know this post won't be popular, but given that I've seen the darkest of the dark in terms of what mommies can do, I guess maybe I'm a little jaded (but not completely). The super-mommy movement is waaay over the top.

FYI I'm reading a book right now on healing from having a narcissistic mother. Its very validating. There is a cultural expectation to put mommies up on a pedestal and if you dare badmouth a mother? Whoa, you're an outcast. Badmouthing daddies is MUCH more culturally accepted....."Deadbeat Dad" anyone?

Hi Chippermonkey

I found your post very validating! I'm not in the states but I think at least in the western world, we put mothers on a pedestal. Yes you're right, it's more socially accepted to downgrade fathers than mothers. It seems society thinks all mothers are great/wonderful. If that is the case, why do we have children's services?? Surely it's not only childrearing mistakes made by fathers??

Can you tell me the name of that book? I think my mother is narcissistic also.

And the view on parents? Both my parents were abusive but more so my mother who projected to the world saintliness. But behind close door she was a wolf in a sheep skin.

PH

[coldwut]

I don't think my parents are wonderful, but if people think their parents are great, I don't see the problem with that. Although in some cases their parents could be terrible and they could be in denial.

I do dislike it when someone talks about how great they are and act like they have no faults.

My mom used to say that she's a nice person while screaming at us and talking about what goes around and how she hopes we have a kid that doesn't respect us. It was usually directed to a sibling but I still had to hear her screaming.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I think all kids think their parent is wonderful. Until they get older and see the truth like you're nieces daughter might unfortunately see one day.

I say my mom was wonderful but i only got to spend 9 years with her before she passed away of a brain anyeurism. But now that I'm older and know more details about my parents marriage, neither one of them were wonderful to each other but my mom was still great with me.

My dad on the other hand. Hah. He's far from holy.

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