Thanks But No Thanksgiving

Tisha, I find this thread making me change my mind about posting.
Our holidays are a bit like this. We overcome all to be with H's mom during the holidays. I actually like his mom in many ways. I think the main reason H's family is so dysfunctional is that H's father was abusive to all of them. Her son's adore her. Everyone kisses her *ss! This includes grandchildren (except for my children--which makes me a bit of an outsider). (My mother-in-law's favorite grandaughter has privately admitted to my daughter and me that she just fakes it to get along--{unfortunately/fortunately?} I have raised children that hate faking their feelings toward anyone.) Her daughter (my dear sister-in-law) still suffers from the trauma of her upbringing in a way that makes Thanksgiving much worse for her than it is for me. If my sister-in-law has any kind of emotional outburst, I have seen many family members gang up on her! They really know how to kick someone when they are down. I saw this dynamic in full force during my 2nd wedding (1st wedding was a secret). I do have to give H credit for being the brother who treats her more kindly than the others. I feel like her physical ailments and irritability are the result of the emotional trauma within her. I hang out with her a lot during holidays (she lives in another state).

I used to drink to much at Thanksgiving during the worst of my nervous breakdown period (2011-2014). Sometimes, I would see certain people raise their eyebrows and look my way. H would never fail to mention some of the comments made when we argued later. Basically, they all thought I was out of my mind. I probably was. Since my attempt, I only drink when I am truly happy and in a low anxiety, nonjudgemental environment--so I now rarely drink! The last time I had a glass of wine was when I traveled ALONE to visit my sister in Oregon last summer.

The Thanksgiving before my attempt I did not see my children. Two Thanksgivings before my attempt went like this: They had recently ran away from home due to a huge fight between H and them. I dutifully attended the Thanksgiving bash with H then brought a newly cooked (their favorite dish) over to them at 10:00 PM on Thanksgiving Day. They were new to the Thanksgiving thing and they are kids so we actually didn't sit down to eat until midnight. It was unique and emotionally overwhelming for me. A much less guarded event than the one I had attended earlier that day.

As for seeing my family during the holidays, H refuses. Huge conflicts--it could be the stuff of many more postings. I am hopeful that this Thanksgiving will be better.

Though these things are all very accurate. I find myself thinking the picture created here is all very one-sided. Sometimes people get impatient because of their seemingly good agendas. I think my mother-in-laws sons want her holidays to be "perfect" (and we know that doesn't exist ever) and would get bent out of shape if anyone messed with creating that perfect illusion. To H's credit, he would definitely put the breaks on things when they "picked on" his sister. My mother-in-law has fourteen grandchildren/great grandchildren, so these are not uncomplicated affairs! As for my mother-in-law, like many mothers, she has a hard time seeing her son's flaws and therefore leaves her daughter without the ally she deserves. As for the favorite grandaughter, she really loves my mother-in-law, but, like me, she just tries to negotiate, as well as she can, the terrible unnecessary stress that everyone seems to put themselves through at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Happy Thanksgiving, ain't it all wonderful?

It's all Norman Rockwell's fault!

Follow-up to last year's fight with mom about the gluten free cookie mystery. I just asked her whatever happened to the cookies. She said they wanted $5 each and she didn't buy them. Ha!!!

I wanted to ring her neck and stuff her like a Thanksgiving turkey over these f'n cookies. I told her I told the entire world here and everyone wanted to hear how and why she acted like such a nut and ruined the holiday. I told her I vented to the whole world!

She said I could tell 'em all she was too cheap to buy the cookies. So there. Lol

Oh yeah i remember the gf cookies! See we can laugh about it now. Whew. Seems like a looooong time ago. Feels like ive been to hell and back since then. And thats with NOT seeing the relatives! Just dealing over the phone!

To hell and back...me too! Now I see it for how stupid it was. Why did I let any of these A holes bother me and ruin my life, causing me the depression you see on this thread? When will I learn???

maybe you can cook most of the meal and then take it to your parent's house, and anyone who is able can join you there ? it's just a thought.

You're right. I hadn't thought about the transportation problem. The plan is for them to come up this year, maybe my cousin can drive them.

This year we are moving along and doing fine right now. I'll cook. Even got my moldy walls fixed and painted.

It's a real easy dinner with all the food restrictions. Baked sweet potatoes, easy food like that.

It feels both weird and soothing to read this. I live in the U.K. So we don't have Thanksgiving, but I've come to dread Christmas as I get older. I have no family apart from my 85 year old mother, so it's always down to me. And sometimes she's not well, so sleeps a lot but I darent leave the house in case she falls or needs me in some way. For the last 40 odd years, I've always imagined people with families and siblings to be so lucky. You don't have to do everything, other people can share in the work. You have companionship. Someone to help you when you feel tired or overwhelmed. When I worked full time in a busy job where I saw lots of people every day, there was always office politics. And at work dos especially. Who wears what, where to go, what someone doesn't like to eat, arguments, people drinking too much, all that stuff. I'm now seeing from these and other threads that family celebrations are much the same, except you're related. I've seen all this like the happy John Lewis adverts (the British equivalent of the Norman Rockwell) and it's hard to forget that having a family doesn't not always equal happiness. I don't mean to say that knowing other people have problems makes me feel better, because I'm still scared and struggle to cope alone, and I try not to be selfish. But it has helped me think more realistically about the holiday season. Hugs to all. I can't wait till January.

I'd invite all of PC to my Thanksgiving if I could. That would be awesome. The first PC Thanksgiving!

(((Littlecat))) yeah theres a lot of gazing over the fence wondering whose grass is greener at this time of year im really grateful for pc... and chocolate!

Tisha--you may NOT want to read this thread now.
I am pulling this thread forward, nevertheless, because I notice how old threads disappear around here. You have said you like to write and, someday, you really could write one captivating story about the relationship between you and your mom. Maybe I am sick or something to be so drawn to the drama in this thread but it is both funny and tragic, an interesting read. You have been good about documenting your crisis' when they occur. For me, I have a hard time writing about/having any insight into anything until it is long past. You have done this, in depth, in many threads, not just this one. Maybe it is your main "inheritance".

Let's really produce the Friends and Family Inflatable Dolls!

Do you dare me to start a Go Fund Me?

Wouldn't it be poetic justice, if the money I raised from them went to my Mom to shut her the F UP???

I think they might feel more sympathy for you and your H, just show how tragic you are....

Though it will just be the four of us this year, (Most of H's family will be in North Carolina with his mother.) my mental health is much better better. (During Thanksgiving week in 2015, in a fit of anger, I chopped a finger 2/3s of the way through!). I have already planned a menu, gathered old and new recipes, assembled ingredients.

My son leaves nearly everyday and hangs out with his friends. I am fine with this but asked if he could be here for either lunch or dinner (many times he is invited elsewhere). He said OK. My son and daughter do not eat with H and I but enjoy plenty of leftovers. Sadly, just getting the four of us to sit down civilly and eat a meal together rarely happens. I fear it will not go well on Thanksgiving either but I am going to try. I am going to ask them (my H and son) not to fight just this one time as a present to me. I have been feeling happy lately but when I think about how dysfunctional our family is, it really brings me down!

I hope your Thanksgiving is harmonious!

I gave everybody their token holiday gifts already, and got the whole holidays thing over with right away, so I don’t have any melt downs with unmet expectations ever again. We are visiting my son and his gf and taking them to a restaurant for dinner.

Can you go away with your own family?