Thanks But No Thanksgiving

[QUOTE=divine1966;4794158]My dad also a very toxic difficult person yet he is so hilarious. My ex BF of 9 years was difficult alcoholic yet probably the funniest person I have ever met. Totally needs to be on a comedy channel. I like funny people yet I think I can give up that. My current BF is such a nice person and he isn't funny at all. He laughs at my jokes big his own are lame lol but I can live with it.

I love this thread

My thanksgiving started with m sister in law being supposedly sick. Mysteriously every holiday that I host. Hm

Maybe it's your cooking ;-)

I forgave my family for all the pain they've caused me over the years, some of it being my own fault. if you could forgive and forget you'd be alot better off. i know it is such a hard thing to do, but you need to enjoy them while they are still here.

[QUOTE=TishaBuv;4794908]
My cooking is actually very good.

My sister in law is a bit difficult. She has mental health struggles but doesn't do much about it. She does it to all of us. Periodically goes through these cycles of weirdness. For awhile she was mad I left my ex and insisted I bring him over even though we weren't together anymore. She became quite argumentative over it insisting I give him another chance. Long story. No, cooking isn't an issue lol

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

What a horrid, selfish mother. You have the RIGHT to enjoy your life and do as you and your family see fit, not waste it pandering to someone who is so obviously an 'N'.

Conversation this morning between me and Mom. Surprisingly I am not crying, probably because the Cymbalta is kicking in.

She had bought my son a shirt for his birthday and I thought I'd stop by and get it.
Me: "I can stop by to get the shirt."

Mom: "OK. That'll save me the trip. I was going to bring it to R's (my husband's) work."

Me: "I'll come by, but I don't know how I'm not going to fight with you. I am so angry and hurt. You call me a f***n b***h and you are completely unappologetic"

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I had to call you those names, just like I had to lay into my granddaughter because she got on my nerves (she screamed at her through the airport b**ch, retard, brat, moron, punk, loser...). My granddaughter got over it (she didn't really) and so will you. People say things when they're mad, that's just the way it is. You told me 'my mother is dead' and 'nothing will kill you' are you forgetting that?" (I said those things in a different context as a reaction to her 'disowning' me and she is twisting my words)

Me: "I will not get over it and it is not OK. You are not going to turn this around. I really can't even have any relationship with you."

Mom: "We haven't had any relationship anyway ever since the airplane/wedding incident last year."

"Really?"

"Yes."

We have had dozens of visits together, and countless phone calls. She made herself a birthday party where she hostilly manipulated everyone in the family and they all hate her for it and I very nicely let her do whatever she wanted, PAID for it, and acted as waitress.
And here she thinks I am going to be giving her money to LIVE...

Me: "I don't owe you anything. Goodbye toxic, manipulative, abusive woman, goodbye."

The post was sad to read from this end. Your mom may never change... and the exchange was awful. Wishing you peace in your own mind as you figure out how to have her or not have her as part of your life. The guilt trips need to end on both parts - blame never really solves anything - talking about here it is good but somehow you need to find solutions you can live with. Take care.

I have a friend of mine who constantly fights with her husband. Slinging insults back and forth that you can never take back...my observation to her: you both spend so much time with your armor on and attacking each other and defending yourself that neither of you can see the pain the other person is in.

Sometimes, when feelings have become real negative, we have to bypass feelings and work on behavior. You can't control how your mother feels about you, or how you feel about her. Where there is a lot of hostility, I think the first thing to work on should be courtesy. It's not okay for anyone to be rude toward you.

I wish I had come up with this insight when I was having bad interactions with my father. Decide that your mother is entitled to feel any way she wants, but she must behave better, if she is going to be around you. Then end any interaction where she becomes verbally abusive. Tell her that you won't allow yourself to be spoken to that way and leave her presence. Don't argue with her. Don't refer to past bad behaviors, even recent ones. You are never going to make her feel guilty for past behaviors, so quit bringing them up. Deal only with the here and now. You did not help anything by calling her up and saying you didn't see how you were going to not fight with her. That just kept a previous fight going. She likes to live in the past, but don't join her there. Insist on dealing only with now, when you are in a conversation with her.

Don't initiate a phone call where you are going to refer to a recent ugly incident. Wipe the slate clean, and start anew. I'm not saying to "forgive and forget." You can do neither now. Just put the bad incident aside and focus on you and mom being courteous to each other. Insist on making yourself courteous to her and refuse to tolerate discourtesy from her.

My wife and I said no to all family and friend requests and spent it together instead. We both work a lot and it's important to have "us time" just chilling out and turning off the phones.

Something I wish I knew back when someone I knew as Mommy was here.

Not "your mom" calling you "hateful names." Telephone..... a horrible invention. Email...same...hand written letters express more. Hearing someone else's one sided righteous indignation. "Janie's such a....." Or some telling..."Janie said you were a horrible mother." Dumb struck...unable to question...'where's that or this coming from?"

"Grandma...what was mommy like as a child? Learns about great grandma as mommy's mommy mom.

I got a call last night from Dad. He says "Mom was looking forward to seeing you and doesn't know why you didn't come over." I told him what was said in our conversation and he said "No, she didn't say those things." He puts my mom on the phone who seemed to not know he had called me.

She says "I don't know what happened, you were coming over, but then you told me off." I said, "What do you remember of our conversation?" She told me word for word the conversation up until where it got confrontational, that was just a blank.

So now I am saying that I am really concerned about her health. Could she possibly have some pre-dimensia or something? Or is she conveniently forgetting her bad behavior? She goes off on these twenty minute rants of negativity and I can't even get a word in anyway.

When I reminded her of how she attacked her granddaughter in the airport, though, she remembered everything she called her, but she said the reason she went off was because P (her granddaughter) said terrible things to her, which is not true. It was because P took her suitcase off the plane.

I had a break through in this. If she is stressed or criticized in the least, even if it's for her own bad behavior, she goes into a viscious, abusive tiraid. Is she aware she's doing it? Can she control it? Yes. Is this a personality disorder or some other diagnosis? Or is it just immaturity?

I told her that I just can't seem to stop fighting with her all the time and I don't want to be the one to upset her. I assured her I would help her out financially, but I need to keep a distance for my own health as well. I told her how I had to start taking anti depressants again as a result of this month long fight with her.

So, this is the conclusion to this post. I have lived in this very same cycle of abuse for twenty years. Eventually death will end it. Today is a new day and I am moving on to find myself in a better state of mind.

Check on all counts here!
Today's Article on PC
Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship By Paula Durlofsky, PhD
~ 2 min read
Unlike physical or sexual abuse, emotional abuse can be much harder to pinpoint and recognize. Emotional abuse often is inconsistent in amount and duration and happens in multiple forms. At its core, emotional abuse plays into deep-seated fears of rejection, abandonment, unworthiness, shame and loveability.

Projection and gaslighting are two major tactics used in emotional abuse. Projection is the act of placing unacceptable feelings or unacceptable wants or desires onto another person. For example, a person who feels inferior constantly accuses others of being stupid or incompetent.

The goal of projection is to shift responsibility and blame from ourselves onto someone else. Victims of emotional abuse are unaware that someone else’s feelings are being projected onto them, so they interpret “projected feelings” as belonging to them.

Gaslighting aims to create a great amount of confusion and self-doubt in the victim. The term is based on the stage play and movie “Gaslight,” in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights in their home, and then denying the lights were dimmed when his wife points out this fact. It is a form of emotional abuse because it causes victims to question their own feelings, memory, instincts and sense of reality.

Projection and gaslighting are crucial reasons for why victims do not recognize emotional abuse when it is happening. Ultimately, projection and gaslighting create a deep sense of confusion, self¬doubt, incompetency and fear. They make it difficult for victims to think clearly enough to take protective actions for themselves.

It is important to note that people who were emotionally abused as children are at greater risk for being victims of emotional abuse as adults. If you or a loved one is a victim of emotional abuse, it is important to seek help from a professional. There is hope for a better future.

Below are some signs of emotional abuse:

Stonewalling.
Not all emotional abuse is verbal and involves shouting or criticism. Stonewalling is cutting off all communication by giving someone the “silent treatment” until they do what you want them to do. Refusing to see the other person’s perspective by minimization or disengagement is another form of stonewalling.
Emotional withholding.
Emotional withholding happens when love and affection are withheld in order to communicate anger. Emotional withholding creates a great deal of anxiety in the victim because it plays into our fears of rejection, abandonment and worthiness of love.
Twisting.
Twisting occurs when the victim confronts the abuser. The abuser deflects attention from themselves by twisting facts around in order to place blame or responsibility onto the victim. They then demand an apology to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
Irrational and intense rage.
Bouts of intense rage and fury without obvious or rational cause creates a great amount of fear and uncertainty in the victim. Intense rage episodes are shocking and startling, forcing the victim into silence and compliance.
Trivializing accomplishments.
Emotional abusers need to feel dominant and superior in order to cope with their deep-seated feelings of inferiority, shame and envy. Tactics of trivializing others’ accomplishments include mockery, belittling goals, ignoring accomplishments, and finding ways to sabotage another from achieving his or her accomplishments.

My mom is aging, add multiple sudden traumas and a genetic predisposition to Alzheimers and what you get is an appalling memory for a 66y.o.

Nothing about what she forgets is convenient, that I can say with absolute surety.

Your mom is still playing you.

I'm glad your day managed to not be filled with drama!! You don't have to completely write your family off, just set really really firm boundaries. I have a very good friend who is like family, we have known each other and been close since junior high school. I lent her money one time (actually let her move in with me when she was homeless...) but now she knows that while I will help with listening and things I can do such as helping her move, she will never live with me again and I will never lend her money. If she texts about something financial going on, I say "That sucks, I'm so sorry." But I never offer to give her money. When you WANT to help friends and family members, and have the means to do so, that's great but you are not and should not be obligated to give people money and help if you don't want to. Especially not if you cannot afford it or they don't treat you well.

Wow, zero personal responsibility for her actions and words. That's actually NOT the way it is, it's just the way she is. Whether or not she admits it to herself or to you, she is choosing to be that way. Controlling one's self isn't fun but that's what we do as adults. Attacking someone that annoys us or hurts us is a choice, plain and simple.

Could be, but I doubt it. It's personality disorder stuff more likely. My mom "forgets" stuff as does my boyfriend's ex-wife. Your mom seems unwilling to ever take responsibility for her actions so it's probably just another way of pretending that you are bad/mean for "telling her off" and she's a victim.

"I told her that I just can't seem to stop fighting with her all the time and I don't want to be the one to upset her. I assured her I would help her out financially, but I need to keep a distance for my own health as well. I told her how I had to start taking anti depressants again as a result of this month long fight with her."

IMO I do not think it is right to tell someone that you had to go on an antidepressant because of them. That blame game is still there.

True, I blamed her. I did go on the meds because I was in so much pain over her treatment of me, and I wanted her to know it. But, it doesn't matter, that won't get me any better treatment. I am so angry at my abusive mother for all the things she did and I really need to keep a distance because I can't keep myself from saying things like that, which only antagonize her.

Now, out of guilt, I am going to be financially supporting her and she is still going to be just as abusive. I am sorry to be so hateful and resentful and feel ashamed.

What do you feel guilty about?

I have incredible mixed feelings of love and (not hate, but) resentment. There were so many times she denied me and my sisters and so many mean things she said when she was the one with the money. Now, she is still going to act like the queen on her high horse, not take any responsibility and continue to make bad choices, and I'm going to enable her to do it. And it goes so much deeper than that, I can't even begin to describe.

She's 80. I know I'm not going to change her and she might as well go out in her final days being comfortable. I'm not going to lose money on it anyway. I'll get reimbursed when her house gets sold. She ran out of cash but she owns a property. I feel proud that I can help her. My sister's can't, and she would have had to sell and downsize.

I feel guilty that I am feeling so angry and petty about it and need to keep that under wraps. I am really struggling and not happy. I feel caught and trapped between a manipulative mother and an incompatible husband. By helping mother financially, I am becoming even more dependent on husband because it's his earnings that will go to help her-- and she causes so many problems between him and me! He's a saint to even be willing to help his mother-in-law!

I don't think it's petty at all. Helping someone that's treated you like crap is hard, even if it is a parent. My boyfriend took care of his ailing father for a while before he passed away and his father had basically said "I never loved you or wanted you" and he had tons of resentment for having to take care of him. He still does I think, but he's let go of some of it by saying that the real reason he did it was not for his dad but so that all the burden wouldn't be on his mom.

So looking at it like something of pride, that you have the means to help someone, taking that decision and control back really reframes the situation. You'll probably always have mixed feelings about her. I love and hate my mom sometimes simultaneously. Mostly because I never know if I should expect warmth or criticism. I wish I'd had a mother that could give emotionally what a child deserves, and it be about someone else's needs other than hers. On some level I'll always feel cheated I think. I did keep her alive the 9 months that she and my dad were divorced, when she was drinking heavily and acting like she was 20. I think in some ways I feel like I paid a pennance there, like I've put in my time and now if she melts down on that level again it's my sister's turn. Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into being about me!! I'm just saying I get it.

This is one of the first threads I started when I came on here. The situation didn't improve. My mom's health got much worse.

So now we have another Thanksgiving. My kids will all be here, God willing. I'll cook. H's parents are still alive, but definitely will say no when I invite them. My parents may come if I invite them. I guess that's the right thing to do. I should also invite my cousin and his gf.

But now this becomes stressful as usual and causes me anxiety attack and tears because I am sure to get opposition in some way from mother and h, as usual. Holidays have become a trigger for me.

Plus now my dining room is torn apart. I am scraping the wall paper off and only 1/3 done and there is mold in the wall that smells and needs repair. How am I making Thanksgiving in that dining room?

I can't take the crowd out to eat as my son has severe eating restrictions due to his IBS.

Plus my parents really aren't well enough to drive here and back.

What to do?

I invited mom and dad to my house for very casual Thanksgiving in the kitchen/family room in front of the TV.

Here's to wishing a drama-free holiday to all here at PC.

OMG, I hate the holidays and having to deal with family!! And feeling like there is something wrong with me because I hate it so much!!

I just invited the cousins, too, which could add an extra 5 people. I don't care about the cooking. I'm a really good cook. I'll use plastic plates, etc... so what if the dining room looks and smells like it does. Does my family care? It's nothing liquor can't mask.

Lol, I need to start drinking.