Thanks But No Thanksgiving

TishaBuv · Nov 16, 2015, 09:01 AM

Still feeling awful and stuck. I'm not calling her, she's not calling me. She's complaining to my sisters about how I'm not calling her. She sent a group email and a facebook post that was a quote about her needing to love herself for her foolishness. Nobody commented on it. My sister says that's the best you're gonna get from her, like how a cat shows its love by jumping on your lap and sticking its *** in your face.

DBTDiva · Nov 16, 2015, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yes, DBT, you are there for your mom and she says she has no family.

True, why do holidays that honor and celebrate freedom or religion become these psychological showdowns that take on such distorted meanings?

I guess because some families are so dysfunctional! It only takes one really dysfunctional person to bring down a whole holiday gathering.

Nov 16, 2015, 12:05 PM

My father died unexpectedly on Thanksgiving at age 55. I keep it low key. I'm sorry for your loss.

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LucyD · Nov 16, 2015, 11:46 PM

I used to hate the holidays so much that I had surgery one year at Christmastime rather than be with my family. Now that's drastic! My parents used to drive me nuts on the holidays but they are gone now. Now there's no more for me to say....

TishaBuv · Nov 19, 2015, 08:59 AM

It looks like that's it for my relationship with my mother. I just can't move on and act like nothing happened. I pleaded for compassion and my own mother kicked me when I was down and called me hateful names. If I'm so bad, she's better off without me.

I am thankful for the three wonderful children I gave birth to. If everything happens for a reason, they are my life's purpose and they will make the world a better place.

Mom 'disowned' me the first time back when I was in college. If I had stayed away and pursued the career I really liked, I wonder if I would have succeeded and if I would be a happy person today. She convinced me that I wasn't strong enough to do anything but what she wanted me to do, which was be dependent and have babies.

She may have been right. I might have tried to be on my own and gotten instantly killed by Jack The Ripper, who knows? I'm only 50 and feel like I'm done. I served my purpose and now I'm letting the clock run out on my life.

TishaBuv · Nov 21, 2015, 08:23 AM

So now my sister tells me Mom drove back to the expensive bakery two towns over to buy cookies. I assume they are for my son. I am anxiously awaiting what she will do with them. Will she come over on Thanksgiving, unwelcomed, with them? Is she mailing them to us? Does she plan to leave them on my doorstep? I have no idea what I'll do when confronted.

What these cookies mean to me is: She is going to be at my Thanksgiving dinner, even if it's in the form of cookies. And she is going to have the last word.

She wants me to give the cookies to my son. "These are from Grandma". He'd say, "Why is Grandma not here?" I'd have to say, "Because she called me a f****n b***h and tortured me". But, see how much Granny loves you?

When are cookies not sweet?

Meanwhile, she tells the rest of the family she is broke and desperate, but still she had to go spend money on shoving these cookies in my face.

This one takes the cake, the worst holiday yet.

Nov 21, 2015, 08:56 AM

TOXIC MOTHERS SUCK!

I kicked mine and the rest of the whole fam
damily to the curb years ago!

It isn't easy, but it is doable, and ...

It was absolutely the sanest thing I ever did
in order to start taking care of my physical &
emotional well-being!

I've my own holiday traditions now and enjoy
the stresslessness of it all immensely!

Wishing You A Peaceful Holiday Season!

Nov 21, 2015, 08:59 AM

I REALLY like the idea of just going out for dinner and telling mom you already have plans. What a great opportunity to make a new tradition.

Personally I LOVE to cook a holiday meal but I am really dreading this year's holiday suppers. My brother's step daughters are terrible. Whining, self centered, demanding, wimpering, snivelling, complaining little *****es. I just don't have the strength to deal with them.

TishaBuv · Nov 21, 2015, 09:33 AM

Hugs for Rainy Day 107, on your loss on Thanksgiving

ChicaCupcake · Nov 22, 2015, 03:40 AM

It's your home. You have every right to decline to host. Go to a restaurant if you like but don't give in to bullying. If you give in, she learns it works and is acceptable behavior.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Nearly every single holiday has been an unhappy, stressful, tearful struggle for me since I got married and had my own family. The culprits have been my mother, husband, or his parents.

Last week, I told my family that because of the extreme depression I am in, I would like to just not plan anything for Thanksgiving. It was not that I am saying I don't want to have any Thanksgiving dinner, it is just that it always becomes such a stressful situation, that I thought by just letting it happen, it would be the only way I could deal with it, giving myself no pressure.

Nope, my controlling mother just couldn't leave it alone. She called me this morning to tell me she was driving to check out a special gluten free bakery to see what she could order for Thanksgiving. (Because now my son's IBS has gotten so severe)

I felt my anxiety swelling during the call, but calmly said 'sure, mom, knock yourself out'. But the anger kept swelling within me. How controlling she has to be, how disrespectful of me and my wishes, how she has such a lack of sympathy for me and how I am feeling. How she got in little digs like I was not going to do anything for my family, so she has to. Which is totally not true. How she has to make everything about her.

She used to make all the family dinners. When I got married, I had a house and she just had a small apartment, so I started making the dinners. She has to control everything, can't let me do anything my way.

I called my sister twice to talk me out of calling mom to tell her off, but I just couldn't stop myself.

So I told her I am not having Thanksgiving. She spewed nasty name-calling insults at me and said I am killing her. Called me a f****'n little b**ch. I said 'I asked you, I begged you to leave it alone'. Can you feel the love???

ChicaCupcake · Nov 22, 2015, 03:41 AM

Pfrog I've done the same thing and can say it is hard but I'm super proud of you.

Congratulations!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pfrog

TOXIC MOTHERS SUCK!

I kicked mine and the rest of the whole fam
damily to the curb years ago!

It isn't easy, but it is doable, and ...

It was absolutely the sanest thing I ever did
in order to start taking care of my physical &
emotional well-being!

I've my own holiday traditions now and enjoy
the stresslessness of it all immensely!

Wishing You A Peaceful Holiday Season!

Rose76 · Nov 22, 2015, 09:42 AM

The fact that you even have depression might have a lot to do with things your mother put you through years ago.

Nov 22, 2015, 10:00 AM

I was unable to read above if there was an update to the situation.

I understand how infuriating and helpless the situation is.

Are you able to make a new tradition of your own? That would give you the opportunity to tell her Thanksgiving is off. An example is going out for dinner, get together on an alternate date, celebrating with non-traditional dishes she is not likely to like and hence be hesitant to attend.

When my mother was alive she would insinuate herself into any holiday. Making any kind of addition or alteration to what she felt was traditional would send her off into a you-are-wrong-how-dare-you-do-this. But, the end result was that she just wouldn't come and EVERYONE was a whole lot happier.

TishaBuv · Nov 23, 2015, 08:36 AM

This has gone way past a celebration of harvest and appreciation.

With me only hearing updates from my sisters and now my aunt, the situation has now morphed into mom's financial descent to hell.

I still don't know what's happened to the cookies or what will happen on Thanksgiving day. I'm thinking it is best to get out of the house altogether.

Mom and I are not calling each other and the whole family agrees staying away is best. This is really scary stuff. Either she will handle getting her life on a new track or she will really work herself up into a heart attack. Worse yet, one of her friends actually committed suicide a few years ago.

I just started taking an anti-depressant and am pretty traumatized. I am tempted to get in there and help my parents, but I don't think I can. She's out of control. The thing that is so sad about it is it didn't have to be like this. I could have helped her, if she would only listen and be reasonable.

TishaBuv · Nov 23, 2015, 05:39 PM

I think the whole financial crisis was just another manipulation. Wow. I've obsessed and ate myself up over this for nothing. I think I am gaslighted. My whole family suffers from this. I have to pull myself together and keep her away.

Cat_Lover_58 · Nov 23, 2015, 05:48 PM

I can relate to much of what you are saying. Sending hugs your way...do what you and your family want for the holidays, I'm doing what I want as well. It's tough but doable!

Rose76 · Nov 23, 2015, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I think the whole financial crisis was just another manipulation. Wow. I've obsessed and ate myself up over this for nothing. I think I am gaslighted. My whole family suffers from this. I have to pull myself together and keep her away.

It's very hard to write off friendship with your own mother as a lost cause. I've always tried hard to make the best of even very troubled relationships with family members. Looking back on that, I don't know that I really did myself any good. Deciding to "keep her away" is an option you have every right to seriously pursue. The financial thing probably was just manipulative B.S. that, unfortunately, your sister bought into. I believe these patterns tend to never change. Putting whatever distance you need to put between you and your mother may actually help you recover from your depression.

DBTDiva · Nov 24, 2015, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

So now my sister tells me Mom drove back to the expensive bakery two towns over to buy cookies. I assume they are for my son. I am anxiously awaiting what she will do with them. Will she come over on Thanksgiving, unwelcomed, with them? Is she mailing them to us? Does she plan to leave them on my doorstep? I have no idea what I'll do when confronted.

What these cookies mean to me is: She is going to be at my Thanksgiving dinner, even if it's in the form of cookies. And she is going to have the last word.

She wants me to give the cookies to my son. "These are from Grandma". He'd say, "Why is Grandma not here?" I'd have to say, "Because she called me a f****n b***h and tortured me". But, see how much Granny loves you?

When are cookies not sweet?

Meanwhile, she tells the rest of the family she is broke and desperate, but still she had to go spend money on shoving these cookies in my face.

This one takes the cake, the worst holiday yet.

Throw the cookies in the trash. Then you don't have to have a conversation about it, nor is she invading your Thanksgiving!

DBTDiva · Nov 24, 2015, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

With me only hearing updates from my sisters and now my aunt, the situation has now morphed into mom's financial descent to hell.

You can set new boundaries with them too you know. When they bring up your mother you can say "I prefer not to talk about mother, tell me more about how YOU are." or something of that nature. If they persist, end the conversation. In a nice way of course, but they'll get the hint. It sounds like she's using them to send you messages, so even though she supposedly isn't talking to you, she's still making sure to get her point across.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I am tempted to get in there and help my parents, but I don't think I can. She's out of control. The thing that is so sad about it is it didn't have to be like this. I could have helped her, if she would only listen and be reasonable.

That's her choice. It is sad, but ultimately she's the one that decides what to do. If she ends up on the street, she's certainly chosen that.

I'm sorry you're going through all this!

TishaBuv · Nov 24, 2015, 04:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DBTDiva

You can set new boundaries with them too you know. When they bring up your mother you can say "I prefer not to talk about mother, tell me more about how YOU are." or something of that nature. If they persist, end the conversation. In a nice way of course, but they'll get the hint. It sounds like she's using them to send you messages, so even though she supposedly isn't talking to you, she's still making sure to get her point across.

That's her choice. It is sad, but ultimately she's the one that decides what to do. If she ends up on the street, she's certainly chosen that.

I'm sorry you're going through all this!

Thank you, I don't know any other way. It's been this crazy my whole life!

DBTDiva · Nov 24, 2015, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Thank you, I don't know any other way. It's been this crazy my whole life!

It took me like...32 years to figure out how to set boundaries with my mom. Most of my life. I still struggle with it, I probably always will. It feels like I'm a broken record trying to reinforce the boundaries with her and my father who wants to b**** to me about her. I swear they've gotten more dysfunctional with age, somehow. The rest of the family doesn't have to change or get better for you to change and get better. It's just really really really difficult.

TishaBuv · Nov 26, 2015, 01:26 PM

Thanksgiving day has come. My boys are all here. I am so happy to be sitting here with them, watching the parade and dog show, a bird in the oven.

The kids are happy that Grandma is not coming. Isn't that awful? I feel sorry for my mom. I didn't influence them against her. I even encouraged them to call her, which they didn't. She hasn't even been nice to them. She comes over and gets on their cases about their rooms not being clean.

Hopefully someday I will be a grandmother. I will be what a grandparent is supposed to be; unconditionally loving, a bit spoiling.

I really don't feel like having anything to do with her anymore, but now it has become a whole crisis about how they have run out of money. We are getting worked over to give her financial support. If I don't, I will lose my relationship with my whole entire family. Not that I have much of a relationship with them anyway, just a weird, toxic telephone game that goes round and round.

I've learned on here that a lot of people have written off their toxic families. Good for you all! I have a lot of soul searching to do to see if I should do that or just pay up and shut up.

My mother hasn't been all bad. Actually, she has been mostly good. She is the most clever and funny person I have ever known at times. She has done many loving deeds for me, but deep down she just mostly upsets me, disrespects, disregards.

I still don't know what happened to those cookies she supposedly bought. Yes, she used others to get all this information to me. Her manipulation is incredible. I am probably going to give her exactly what she wants and she is going to get away with treating me like crap.

Peace and joy to those who are hurting and lonely today. May all your birds be moist.

Rose76 · Nov 26, 2015, 02:26 PM

I'm glad you're having a nice day with your family. Take a mini-vacation from thinking about your mom. She's been in this world longer than you have, and I have a feeling she knows how to survive. Enjoy the peace of not having her there, disrupting the mood. Your boys have a right to make some holiday memories, untainted by the foolishness she injects. Let them decide how often and when they want to make phone calls. Happy Thanksgiving.

brainhi · Nov 26, 2015, 03:41 PM

It's Thanksgiving and I am pretty much by myself... watching football, having cheese, crackers, celery and carrots. I've read every post on this tread... I have been able to relate to many of you... and also I sat here and laughed hard out loud at many of the posts

.....TishaBuv you said: My mother hasn't been all bad. Actually, she has been mostly good. She is the most clever and funny person I have ever known at times.
Many of your posts were hilarious! Your mom must of given you that sense of humor. Keep yourself from the toxic... and the guilt.... keep the humor

As my dad was dying (we were estranged) my counselor and I talked about some of the things I loved about him. It does not take away all the bad... but I no longer wallow in it.

BTW - I'm just fine doing my own thing on Holidays - took awhile but sure glad I got to this point.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you - in what matters most to you.

divine1966 · Nov 26, 2015, 04:13 PM

My dad also a very toxic difficult person yet he is so hilarious. My ex BF of 9 years was difficult alcoholic yet probably the funniest person I have ever met. Totally needs to be on a comedy channel. I like funny people yet I think I can give up that. My current BF is such a nice person and he isn't funny at all. He laughs at my jokes big his own are lame lol but I can live with it.

I love this thread

My thanksgiving started with m sister in law being supposedly sick. Mysteriously every holiday that I host. Hm

Happy thanksgiving you all

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