Dating A Single Dad

I been seeing this man who has a 4 year child. At first I was not aware of this. But when he told me I was kind of turned off since I do not picture myself with a partner who is already a parent. I continued to see him and we have been dating for about 4-5 months now. His child and the child's mother have not gotten in the way. I rarely see the child and I have never met the mother. Even so it still bothers me that he has child because my parents would not approve and I would like for my first child to be a new experience for both me and my future partner. I really like this man, enough to continue spending time with him but I don't know if I should end it. I been thinking about how our relationship would be in the long run and the fact he has a kid and involved with the kids mother makes me really uncomfortable. I know they still have problems and since he obviously has to talk to her for his child it makes me jealous and I feel as if I'll always be his second woman. I have never dated a single dad so I don't know how to go about this.

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I am a single parent. Well my daughter is an adult. I think it could work but only if you two are a team and are on the same page. Him talking to the mother is normal. Etc but if the whole thing bothers you maybe it's better to find childless man. But it also depends on your age. When you reach certain age everyone either is already married or divorced with kids. But again if it is red flag for you then it's better not to drag it

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Sounds to me like you're not interested in a long-term relationship with this guy. Tell him that and then you two will need to decide if you're going to continue in a non-exclusive (it reads as if you're dating exclusively now) relationship.

Of course so much depends on how much you like him, and vice versa. How willing are you to speak with him about your concerns and about where you stand with each other?

I'm in my early twenties and he's in his late twenties.
I did want to talk about this to him. I'm worried it might officially end what we have. I wanted to make sure I approach him correctly about it. We both really like each other. I wouldn't want to lose him but this issue has been crossing my mind since we've been seeing each other for a while now.

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Yes, this is something that both of you would want to be clear on if you were to move forward in the relationship. So discussing it in an open and accepting/nonjudgmental way, so as to understand each other better, and see if there can be common ground, seems a good option to me.

One thing to remember is that as you get older, it becomes more and more difficult to find someone who doesn't have children and/or who has never been married before. I never considered dating someone with kids, and I never had before I met my current boyfriend. It's definitely been an adjustment for me, but I've come to love him more because of his devotion to his kids.

It sounds to be like this guy is doing everything right. He's taking care of his child, he's involved in his/her life, and he is not expecting you to be involved in any drama with the child's mother. That being said, if you both being new parents whenever you have a child with a partner is that important to you, then you should end it. That's something that he cannot change, so if you can't accept it, moving on is probably the best option. One thing that's been tough for me is that I will never be #1 in my boyfriend's life, his kids will always be first. I think that's appropriate, but I really hate it sometimes. If you stay with him, his child will always be a part of your life and the lives of your future children if you have any with him, but if you really want to be with him maybe you could try adjusting to that idea. Sometimes what holds us back is simply the idea in our heads of "how things should be."

I read the part about your parents disapproval, if they knew.

Being in your early twenties, involvement with a man that already has such a serious responsibility in being a parent can seem limiting.

It's complicated to describe that whole idea of kids coming first. That type of love is very, very different. They are a priority, because that's just responsible parenting. Communication with the other parent is the mature approach. If seeking advice about things other than kid centered, seems iffy and worthy of communication being open and transparent. Not to say he does, but that would be off putting for most. As an example of where lines are drawn.

As a single mom, there's a certain respect that pays off with the children's love for their father, that is bestowed. Now, after all these years. Was rocky in the beginning of the divorce years.

It's much to take in. How deeply do you care about him?

My bf has two kids from his ex wife. She definitely got in the way. He didn't introduce me to his kids till about a year into it and I was ok with that. When you're dating someone with kids, you have to be prepared to come 2nd on his list. It gets a bit frustrating at times because I'm not used to it but I'm hanging in there. The kids like me so that helps. It's a lot to handle at times. It sounds like you aren't 100% about this man. Be careful not to lead him on. Just be honest with yourself and really ask if this is what you want.

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If its not for you, its not for you. There's nothing wrong with it!

I won't ever date someone who has a child. Nope, not for me. (Oh, and believe you me, I've gotten so much shyte for this it isn't even funny!) But, the truth is, that I know me, I know my own personal struggles, and I'm not going to put all of that on the back burner for someone else. If it means I stay single as I've just cut out a portion of the dating population, then so be it. (As someone with a severe disorder, I won't tolerate being a low priority.)

Just be honest with yourself. Since you're in your early 20's, there are a TON of single men out there who don't have kids yet. If you can't see yourself as a step-mom, do the right thing and let this guy go.

I really do care about him. He's been very supportive and understanding of my mood and anxiety disorder. It was really hard to open up about this to anyone but I've been able to talk to him about it and he did not judge me and still accepted me. He's been good to me and we've been respecting each other. It's been pretty stable something I haven't had in a while. But just thinking of the long run I don't know how it would work or what to expect since he's already a parent.

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That is why it is so important to speak with him about it. You could explore together with him whether or not it could work and how it would look.

I agree with Bill3, there. How it would look in the future is a great topic of discussion. Many single dads are not full time parents. I'm a full time mom, so it's very different.
How often is visitation? How far away do they live from each other? He's free to move wherever if not the primary custodial parent. What would job opportunities look like for him, if ever a chance to relocate.
I'm glad to read that you are thinking through the gray areas, since he seems compatible with you.

They split the week in half but sometimes they switch off if one is busy or late work hours. They live a lot closer than I do to him. He just got a job closer to where I live.

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If you are in early 20s there are plenty of Single men to choose from

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So I ended the relationship yesterday. He was understanding but it was very difficult for both of us. We've become so attached and we really enjoyed each other. I'm wondering if it's worth a shot trying to make it work. Recently him and his kid's mother have been having problems with each other in arranging child visitations and apparently they still have a hard time getting along. I told him how I felt about everything and he heard me out. Is it too risky to try again and just work on the fact that he's a parent and all the duties that come with it step by step? Or am I wasting his time? I honestly never wanted to be in a relationship with a guy who has a kid. Although I really like him I want to try but I'm not sure if that's just setting myself up for a heartache.

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My ex husband and I are no longer together - but that is not the story here. We were together 16yrs and I actually raised his son.

I knew from the beginning he had a child so knew what I was getting into. So too our children were part of us being a couple from the get go.

I am one for being honest up front. I expect that and honour it too. I am bothered that his having a child was omitted from the beginning of your relationship. I'm not saying you should necessarily have met the child early on but you ought to have been informed about him.

The other factor is your age. You are awfully young to 'have' a four year old.

I believe if someone IS to become a stepmom that they must be prepared to be just that - a part-time parent. If you can't do that, feel you would only pay lipservice to the child when dad has him, think you might be resentful, or think you will be fake or need to pretend to care for and tend to this child then - for their sake - you ought to back out now. This is a responsibility. If you feel you can't or don't want to be responsible for this child, it won't work.

Before racing to conclusions I think you guys need to have a few dates 'as a family'. Going to a park together is a great idea.

Before making a decision you need to sit down with your BF and discuss what, if you should make a commitment, the family situation will look like. Discuss everything from expectations for you to spend time alone with the child, to frequency of time spent, to holidays, to contact with his ex, to finances - what does he pay for support etc.

With planning and understanding this need not work out badly.