Is this progress?

Hello all! I was in a relationship with a woman who had borderline personality disorder and an eating disorder. She was also a drug addict and alcoholic. She said she was quitting and that all went down the drain when she went away for the weekend with her friends who love to party. She came back, broke up with me because she said she decided to go to rehab, did NOT end up going to rehab, tried to get me back, and got a bit manipulative when I said I couldn't take her back. What she said was a little hurtful. This was my first relationship, unfortunately.

This happened over a year ago but we last spoke this March.

I find myself thinking about her and wondering if she is okay. But I feel like every time I think about her, I go backwards in my attempts to move on.

I know I deserve a loving person and a stable, honest, and caring relationship, just like everyone else. I didn't believe that before because my self-esteem was extremely low. But I have been working on myself and my depression in therapy and I now like myself!

I guess my concern is: Am I making progress in moving on if I still think of her? I sometimes wish that she goes to rehab and therapy and we get back together when she has worked on herself. However, I know this is highly unlikely and I refuse to wait for her. I have my own life to live.

I just feel disappointed in myself when I think of her.

Has anyone else felt like this? I hope this all made sense!

It's natural to miss someone from your past, even if the person was bad for you, destructive, abusive, etc. Missing someone doesn't make you weak, or a disappointment. It only makes you human. Please be kind to yourself. It takes time to get over someone you cared about.

I s she medicated? Seeing a psychologist? Seeing therapy? Seeking psych support services?

If she won't take care of herself she won't take care of your relationship.

When do you think of her?

Thanks so much. I really appreciate this. I try to tell myself that but it's hard sometimes. But you're right. We're all human and we feel things deeply.

I totally agree with you and thanks for telling me this. The last I spoke to her, she was seeing a psychiatrist but I think it was only when she got diagnosed with BPD, she wasn't medicated, and she was trying to figure out how to live with her BPD on her own. So...she hasn't been working on herself when I last spoke to her. But you're right. The way she was, and probably still is, isn't the best version of herself and I don't need that. I don't want that.

Good question. It's mostly at random times, but mostly as of late. I've been working on myself a lot by going to therapy and working through past issues, and I've been wondering if she's been doing the same.

It's normal during in between relationship times to yearn for what could have been, wondering if another could bring forth the positives without the negatives. Her positives might clue into what is desired from a future relationship.

Are you saying I should focus on her positives and use those as guidelines for what I want from a future partner? If so, then that is fantastic advice. I never thought of it like that before. I can make a list or something. I'm going to try that. Thanks a lot for the advice (if that's what you meant!) and the kind words!

Yes, in a way. Her positives are what works for you. Her negatives are what doesn't work for you. I've made a few lists, in my life. Each time with more complexity. My relationships have historically been long term. I can tell right away, indicators of what will or won't work out for me.