Recent threads of mine have been about the fact that friends do not initiate contact with me and tend to flake out on me.

Well, I have only one friend (G) who invites with some regularity. She also tells me that we're very alike in how our friendships with others tend to work. Here's where I'm a jerk: I can understand why people may not want to hang around G, and it bothers me because I've always been afraid that this is why people don't want to be around me, like in hanging with her I'm seeing a reflection of myself. Trouble is, I don't really know how to fix those things about myself because it's not like she's mean or hurtful; it's just...her. See, G is super smart, to the point that she can be a little obnoxious. You can kind of tell that she likes to hear herself talk, and she talks a lot. At my grad party, some of my family mentioned it to me and I was just like, "Well...that's G." I mean, deal with it. They've dealt with my motormouth for how many years? And I've actually gotten a lot better (though, I know, I type a lot on here. Believe me, I've toned it down immensely offline). I did tactfully talk to her about it after the fact and this is what is awesome about her: she was humble about it and apologetic, not defensive. So I'm cool with it.

But the reasons I like G sort of blend into the reasons why people may not want to hang out with her: She is super smart. I can have a conversation with her and there's never a lag in the conversation. We have similar interests. And beyond that she's fun, nerdy, and unpretentious. So beyond the fact that sometimes she can be a bit of a PITA, she's very genuine and nice. I guess...overall I don't get why people would flake on her all her life.

I think I've toned down my know-it-all behavior quite a lot offline, as well as my chattiness (I didn't realize I was doing these things until about 5 years ago--chalk it up to being an only child, maybe?) Social anxiety makes it so I just don't want to chat with people as much, too. I do have a few people I'm incredibly comfortable with, and with whom the conversation will flow pretty naturally. And yeah, I'll get going with them. But they're usually talkers, too. I guess I'm wondering, and I sort of feel weird asking this as well, does someone who is more bookish and intelligent, interested in geeky things, and etc tend to be on the outside of most social circles just by default? I do work in an industry where extroverts rule, and in a specialty in that industry where extroverts really thrive.

Maybe a silly post. But it's been floating around my mind a bit. I know, I'm completely socially challenged; it's a thing. I can't help it.

Thanks for your input.

[starfruit504]

I'm a bookish smarty pants and an introvert. My husband is way geekier, reads 200% more, and he's an extrovert. So I'm going to say no -- they don't have to be on the outside of social circles.

I think maybe being "aggressively" smart makes waves in social situations. I know I do this. Esp. if alcohol is involved. But I also love being around other people with big brains and ideas, we could go on forever.

Also some people are just flaky and that's nobody's fault. Maybe they're living with someone or married, then omg they're never going to meet you anywhere ever again. Or some people are just at and making and keeping plans. I wouldn't take it personally -- it's their loss.

Originally Posted by starfruit504

I'm a bookish smarty pants and an introvert. My husband is way geekier, reads 200% more, and he's an extrovert. So I'm going to say no -- they don't have to be on the outside of social circles.

I think maybe being "aggressively" smart makes waves in social situations. I know I do this. Esp. if alcohol is involved. But I also love being around other people with big brains and ideas, we could go on forever.

Also some people are just flaky and that's nobody's fault. Maybe they're living with someone or married, then omg they're never going to meet you anywhere ever again. Or some people are just at and making and keeping plans. I wouldn't take it personally -- it's their loss.

You're so lucky to have found your hubby. That sounds like the ideal match!

And you're totally right about married folk not really mingling with the single folk as much. Actually, I think that is probably both mine and G's main issue--we're single, female, and totally okay with it for the most part (I mean, who wouldn't want a built-in Star Wars premier date, but mostly we're okay with it). What are we even thinking, being female and happily single, anyway? Also get along pretty well with a couple of married guys I work with for the simple fact that we are interested in a lot of the same nerdy things. I can't hang out with them ever unless I get a significant other whom I can drag along on double dates. And I'm starting to notice some side-eyeing from my female colleagues when I chat with these guys lately, which is weird because we're chatting loudly about the geekiest things like Discworld, MMORPGs, and Star Wars which I feel are the least flirty things we could be talking about. Simmer down ladies, I'm not trying to steal anyone's husbands with my high k/d.

Anyway, thanks. Your reply made me feel better.

[ChipperMonkey]

I think you miss the point if you don't understand that flirting can be about *anything*. Maybe you should heed those sideward glances as others can see you're headed into dangerous territory by bonding with these married men over common interests.

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I think you miss the point if you don't understand that flirting can be about *anything*. Maybe you should heed those sideward glances as others can see you're headed into dangerous territory by bonding with these married men over common interests.

Chipper maybe it's just me, but as this is the third antagonizing post I've received from you in only a few hours. It seems you're following me around PC trying to start an argument. I'm not going to take the bait. As I've not ever addressed you personally except to defend myself, (to put more fine a point on it, I don't even know who you are), I can't imagine what the issue is.

I would message you privately, but I'm not about to get into a flame-war, so I will say it here: Since it seems you cannot do so without hostility, kindly do not address me again. The next time, I will get mods involved. This is the last time I will address you.

Thank you. Have a wonderful night, and please take care of yourself.

[starfruit504]

It's not flirting if the intention is NOT to flirt. My husband is at work right now dorking out with his female coworkers. He's just talking to people. Who gives a hoot?

My mother in law thought it was soooo suspicious when a friend came to my BBQ without his wife. Use your brain. It's 2015.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

If you like G and she's a good friend to you then who cares what others think? And as long as your not groping these married dudes under the table, then who cares if you're having a friendly convo. If you're happy then roll with it.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

[divine1966]

If you like this person I am not sure what the concern is? Others don't have to like her.

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Originally Posted by divine1966

If you like this person I am not sure what the concern is? Others don't have to like her.

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No no, I am not concerned about liking her or what people think about my liking her. I don't care about that; I will like who I like. What I am saying (and sometimes I don't explain myself well, especially when depressed which I was when I wrote this) is that she has the same social issues I've been concerned about with myself and in some ways, as an outside observer, I can see why those might be present for her. But she is similar to me in those things and seeing those things in her makes me beat myself up a little--gosh, maybe that's why people don't want to hang out with me, too. And maybe she's the only one who can stand me because she's like me, lol. But like her, those things are so intrinsically a part of me that it's not like I can readily change them, you know? I mean, say people don't like to be around someone because they smell. Well, that's easy to change. Or they don't want to hang out with you because you're kind of a B when you drink. Also something that can be changed. But this is something that is part of our personality.

I don't know, I'm not in the same mind-space I was when I wrote the OP but I hope I'm explaining this a little.

Incidentally, now that I'm not in such a depressive mood I have a little more perspective and I don't totally feel the same way. I think that there are many reasons why I'm not super-popular (that's not the best word for it because I am respected by my peers) and not all of them are negative. Some of them are probably just that I don't have a ton in common with the majority, and that's actually okay. It's hard when I'm depressed because I want to be part of what everyone else is, but at the same time, I don't click with them. It was that way in high school, and it's that way as an adult, just not quite as salient.

[divine1966]

There are a lot of super smart people. That's typically not a reason not to hang out with someone. I only hang out with smart people ( for social and romantic encounters I mean).

I find it interesting how people state some reasons why others don't hang out with them: too heavy, too smart etc in my experience it's never true reason. Lack of social skills could be addressed in therapy, perhaps IMHO. My BF sometimes has trouble in social situations due to severe OCD and Tourette's but he isn't oblivious about it, he pretty much knows sometimes it's not easy for others to handle him. But he is doing great after years of cbt and learning strategies.

I think unless one nails down why others avoid him/her, she/he will never improve

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Originally Posted by divine1966

I think unless one nails down why others avoid him/her, she/he will never improve

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Are we reading the same post? This is exactly what I'm doing.

Who said I was too smart? Wasn't me so... Thanks!

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Ruari

Are we reading the same post? This is exactly what I'm doing.


Who said I was too smart? Wasn't me so... Thanks!

I was just answering your questions.
you asked if people who are bookish and intelligent normally are outside of social circles by default? I answered that no they aren't.

People that i associate with are intelligent and bookish and many are nerdy types but they certainly aren't outside of social circles. No just being smart and bookish and nerdy doesn't make one a loner. In fact smart people are drawn to other smart people. Provided that one surrounds himself/herself with right crowd. So I was just telling you that just because you are smart it doesn't mean you need to be lonely. Find other smart people. And work on whatever else you need to work on. In therapy or elsewhere

But if you have no issues or concerns then my bad. I thought you were asking questions and weren't sure why you are having these issues. If things are great, then I bow out. Take care of yourself

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[popuri88]

I can relate. I've asked myself the same things a couple of times just to realize hours later that's not the reason. Funny thing is that I hate to be judged or escalonated, I hate polarizing the world in two opposite ends, but I act exactly like that when I assume other people are disliked because they're "X". I'm being a judgmental jerk.

On the other hand, are you sure people don't want to be around you? As much as it's difficult and even painful, I must assume I avoid most people a lot, I avoid them like hell. I can't fully blame them, even though I feel just like that sometimes. I don't give myself enough credit to think others should and then I go on switching the causes for the effects (and being a jerk, sometimes).

Originally Posted by popuri88

are you sure people don't want to be around you?

No. I mean, not absolutely like "Ruari sucks, let's exclude her" kind of do not want to be around. It's more of an I'm different, they don't think to include. Or that I'm just paranoid (more a combo of the two latter ones).

I am sure that I am hypersensitive. In talking to the few people I've known a long time that I trust, I gain a little more perspective with this. I understand also that people in general are self-absorbed, especially those around me. (Which I've probably said around here before.) My decisions need to be about me, and not about how I fit in with a group of people or whatever. I think that would make things a lot simpler. I also have trouble with expectations, always have, in that I expect things to go a certain way in a given situation and when they don't it bums me out. This is something I need to work on letting go. Maybe when I plan something have a couple of alternate plans so that when my self-absorbed buddies bail (and it isn't about me), I will still have fun regardless.

I am starting up with a new therapy group this week and I intend on bringing up issues that were uncomfortable for me in the past (or never were addressed) so that I may stop cycling through them. I'm hopeful that it'll touch on some of the self-doubt that seems to come up here.