[CrazyCatLady5645]

I am in a relationship that was once beautiful and has become something stressful and ugly.

I am desperate at this point and would take any advice and try just about anything.

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years. We got engaged pretty quickly which resulted in a canceled wedding. He thought we were moving too fast and wanted to postpone. Even if this was the right decision, it left me angry and feeling unwanted. He doesn't seem to understand the feelings I was left with become ultimately his decision was for the best.

He works a lot from the road and lets his job consume him. He brings a lot of this stress home.

We seem to now fight often about small things. Every month that goes by, he seems to be further and further away from me.

Finally, he had an emotional affair. When I found out, he seemed sorry but for the most part shrugged it off.

Again, I feel hurt and unwanted.

He is very defensive. Maybe it is how I approach him? Maybe he doesn't like to admit he is wrong? This is where I need help.

I approach him when I have a need that is not met. He gets angry and says he feels like he is never enough. I feel unheard, he feels unappreciated. wash, dry, repeat. This has been our life for a year and a half.

Let me give you an example (this is a big one, pretty extreme. That is why I NEED advice.)

He travels for work. He has our entire relationship. I do not need to talk to him every hour or even for hours each night. I ask that he calls every night before sleep to say good night - and that it is at a reasonable hour. He refuses. He says he does not have the time, is too stressed, or that I don't talk enough when he calls - so he doesn't want to. I had a tough week, and not hearing from him set me off. Thursday: He came home, I told him that it really hurt my feelings. Being home alone without him is very lonely.

His response was everything above. He said that he was giving this relationship all that he could and this was the final straw. This relationship was pretty much over. I should start looking for apartments.

Saturday: (typical argument set-up) we have avoided each other for two days. I give in. I climb into bed, we make love. He asks me to not move out and he just needs time to think. I suggest a therapist because obviously our communication skills don't mesh.

Sunday: he leaves again for the week.

Friday: he comes home in a great mood after a successful week. It is our weekend with his daughter. He ants to take us to FL for the weekend. We go. She is 8, we don't have a second without her to talk. Thats ok, maybe that's good right now. We also don't have any time to have sex. Two queen beds. One room. He wants to have sex after she falls asleep. I feel awkward. Not in the mood. He gets angry. We go to sleep. In the morning while she was in the pool he asks why. I tried to explain I felt weird... I wasn't in the mood AND he didn't put in any effort to put me in the mood (he's not a big fan of handing out foreplay) we leave that day (yesterday) I take his daughter back home, he heads off somewhere else for work.

I text him while on the plane that I was sorry and I was bummed we couldn't be "together " as well. He lost it. I have never heard him speak this way. He was so happy to see me get on the plane, telling me to go **** myself, he doesn't care one bit about this relationship anymore (he has never spoken to me this way.) I didn't know how to respond. I just said that in was sorry he was upset, that I loved him and I wanted to make this work.

Please. ANYTHING you can throw my way. I want this to work.

[Namaste30]

Hey there... I am sorry that you're going through this. I know first hand that it's the worst feeling in the world and can control your life some times...after all, when you're hurt, frustrated and emotional its hard to move forward positively and grow the way you're meant to. I have been in several relationships that have had me feeling the way you are. I have had an open heart and open mind which has lead to a lot of hurt and failed attempts to say the least. With that said, I think I can help...
I've learned that women being nurturers tend to want to always be the first to try and "fix" it or be the understanding one, the one who wants to be the pleaser in all areas. This is NOT a bad thing but it CAN be if you don't know when to turn it off. People can get spoiled by this and will become accustomed to you always bending over backwards and taking the heat and it can lead to you being taken advantage of. Never let anyone make you feel guilty about anything you're uncomfortable with. If a man appreciates and respects you, he will respect that you are a caring person and he will treat the issue with a mutual respect and effort in making it right WITH you. The thing is, you want to meet a man who GETS you and never makes you feel down about who you are, what makes you happy, upset, uncomfortable, etc. A man essentially has always been known to be the "provider" and this doesn't necessarily mean the money maker...it means he provides protection, love & respect for his woman and whatever else she may need to be happy IF he truly adores you and cant see himself without you. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with anything less than this. Trust me.
So...going back to what you said regarding his response to you and how he seems angry, frustrated, annoyed, etc., these are all signs to me that you are giving more than you are receiving and he is use to you being "weak" and saying sorry or wanting to fix it. If I were you, I would back off in the sense that you don't ask anything of him anymore, don't apologize for feeling uncomfortable (by the way you are completely right about feeling uncomfortable with what he was asking of you- intimacy in the same room as his daughter after she falls asleep & in the pool). I would have been livid. Anyhow, don't give him all of you anymore if he is going to treat you this way. People usually want what they cant have, realize what they had once its gone...you know what I mean? And if it fails, its ok because think of the lessons you will learn from all of this and the red flags to avoid going forward in any new relationship? Sometimes, these things happen to us because there are still lessons to be learned... You deserve only to be treated with understanding, sensitivity & respect. This goes both ways...
Communication, trust, love & loyalty are key in making it work... if they are missing, it will only get harder. Also weigh out the pros and cons, if the list of cons exceeds the list of pros...well you know what to do...
hang in there, be strong and stay confident in yourself and your true feelings.

[ChipperMonkey]

You can't make the other person want it to work. Unfortunately it sounds like he checked out a long time ago.

I think he's been pretty clear about how he feels. You're just not able to listen to him yet.

[Namaste30]

I just typed this entire response and hit post quick reply and don't see that it made it over to you

In case it didn't- I want you to know in a nut shell what I said.

Basically- women being nurturers tend to take a lot of heat from men, we bend over backwards for them, we usually apologize first and always want to give, please and fix. If we are giving too much of ourselves, it can quickly be taken advantage of when things start to go south in a relationship. A man who loves and respects you will NEVER make you cry or feel guilty about your feelings, ESPECIALLY if you're uncomfortable with something. I would have felt 100% uncomfortable in your shoes with the two incidents you mentioned.
A man being the "provider" should provide protection, support, love & respect for the woman he desires most and wants to spend the rest of his life with. It may sound like a fairy tale to some but it does exist. Sometimes we are put in these situations because lessons need to be learned. If this doesn't work out for you, you will know what to look out for in the future.
If I were you, I would back off a bit and leave him alone. He will talk to you when he desires to and you don't always have to be there for him either. Don't ask anything of him or tend to his needs or apologize for anything at this point and the reason is that it is in response to his reaction when you DO show concern, love & care for him. So turn the tables around and see how he feels. This doesn't mean fight with him but you certainly don't need to take ANY guilt or pain. You deserve to be happy. Just speak calmly and collectively and start focusing on doing the things that make you feel positive.
We put ourselves in these situations and become so tied to it that it feels impossible to break free or you think "maybe we can work it out". Well you never know but there are indications and red flags to pay close attention to in helping you gain a better idea of what direction this may go in. Weigh out the pros and cons, consider who is putting forth more effort, consider how this makes you feel inside and how you demand to be treated. Men should be gentle, kind & understanding. Don't EVER settle for less. Ive learned my lesson too many times and now I look back in disgust at how I could have been so wrapped up for so long in something that was so wrong for me... its hard to see the bigger picture sometimes or see it from another perspective looking outside the box because you're attached and emotional. Just fully understand & believe that you deserve more and from now on don't bend over backwards. Let him do that for once.
I hope this helps...

[Happy pills]

I was in a very similar situation a few years ago I tried so hard but in the end we realised it was not going to get any better all the negative things were just life's way of telling us it wasn't working and we decided to go separate ways. It was the hardest decision I made but I have moved on now and just look back on the happy times.

[CrazyCatLady5645]

I love him. I am not ready to give up. What can be done to try and mend what has been lost?

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady5645

I love him. I am not ready to give up. What can be done to try and mend what has been lost?

If he's not willing to work on it, you can't force him to. If you really want to go to therapy and work on the communication then stick with that even when things calm down. You guys sound like you're caught in a cycle, someone has to break it. He sounds really dismissive and emotionally unavaliable.

Do you want more from a relationship than you loving the person? It sounds like there's a lot of unmet needs on your part and a complete unwillingness on his part to even acknowledge you have them, let alone attempt to meet them.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I myself am a nurturer and I admit I've put up with sooo much crap from men in my past. Everything from verbal to physical abuse. I'm always one for second chances (hell, sometimes 5th chances). And now when I look back, I realize how incredibly stupid I was and I've wasted a lot of time and sanity. Like the others have said, it looks like he's been over it for awhile. From experience, once a man gets to that level then it's over. You wanting to talk to him every so often is probably making it worst. He may feel suffocated and he's trying to drop a hint that it's over. Especially the part where he went off in you. That should be a big hint. I understand how you want to keep trying and hoping to get the "old" him back but trust me it's not going to happen. You need/deserve someone who can give you the amount of attention that you give. Relationships can't be one sided. It has to be a mutual want or he will just continue and probably even have another affair. I mean why not? You took him back after the first one right? I know it's very hard but if you just do what's best for yourself then you will be happy in the long run and you will find "the one". You might want to consider therapy as well if you aren't already in therapy. Take time to nurture yourself instead of someone who doesn't deserve it.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

[hvert]

It sounds like he broke up with you via text, so is making it work even an option anymore?

If you want to keep this relationship, I think you have to accept him as he is, right now. Accept that he is not going to change. Don't expect him to call every night or to change his job or feel less stressed. There's no way to make him understand your feelings or listen to you.