confused and scared......

I first met my now husband when I was 13. I had the biggest crush on him! I didn't see him again till I was 15 and he was married with a young son and a baby daughter on the way "we are fives years apart in age". I always liked him and he felt the same way but I never pursed anything because I did not want to hurt his family. We lost touch So fast forward 22 years......after spending 4 years living out of state I moved back and started a Facebook page to find old friends. I found a girlfriend of mine from when I was a teenager. It was on her page that I saw his face again. My heart immediately jumped! I messaged him and ask said "Hi neighbor..do you remember me?" He responded and we started talking. It was just general talk at first until one night I decided after all of these years I was finally going to tell him how I have always felt......it was an instant connection. I wanted to see him but I was afraid because I had gained weight after a terrible injury I had suffered and I wasn't the 15 years old girl he remembered. I started exercising and lost over 40 pounds before I went to see him....I felt better than I had in a long time
I had been lonely for a long time, my life lacked love and excitement. I was so busy taking care of my daughter who has autism and my teenage son while going to school full time online and working. I was a machine that woke up and went through the motions of the day. The focus was survival not my happiness or feelings. My mother who was in the beginning stages of dementia was also living with me. We finally agreed to meet and it was love! He moved in with me on Valentines day and it was blissful! I don't know when the change happened exactly but when it did there was no reversing it. He yelled at me one time and I was in shock! I never thought he had that in him, he was always so gentle and kind. Other things started to happen like all of these new rules for using my cell phone and being on the computer. He had thoughts on how life should go and if I deviated from them then I was wrong and did not love him. We have a lot of pets which is great for my daughter. I happen to love animals. He started telling me that I cared more for my animals than I did for him. He seemed to feel that way about everything. when he would get upset he would leave the house and I would have to go looking for him. This started to happen a lot. He stared getting mad if I texted my daughters grandparents or sent them pictures. It seemed that his need for my attention would come at any cost and one night he did something horrible. I just bought a white bunny for my daughter that we named Matilda, we had just lost our bunny that we had for five years and we were very sad. One night he took Matilda and put her in a box and said that I loved her more than him and he was going to throw her out in to the traffic. I was in the bathtub and I jumped out grabbed a towel and chases him out side. he stood on our front porch with her in a box. I wanted to punch him in the face but I ended up apologizing to him so that she would be safe. I started to apologize for a lot of things that to me I didn't do wrong. I was trying desperately to keep peace. I started to dread him coming home from work, I gained back some weight from all of the stress. My mother suffered a brain hemorrhage that put her in the ICU unit for 3 weeks then of to a rehab facility. the stress and drama with him continued the whole time this was happening with mom. My nerves were at their worst and I was throwing up daily from it. He seemed like the biggest drama queen I had ever met, willing to start an argument over anything. I left and he moved out after one really bad episode. I felt relief but I actually missed him and was heartbroken at the same time......so I gave in to his demand and let him come home with the agreement that we would go to counseling together. Once he was home that all changed and it quickly began to happen all over again......I feel, that we have a great life and that we should be counting our blessings not fighting with each other every other day. Its not good for anyone especially my daughter. After a pretty bad episode I left for the night with the kids and the next day I ask him to leave.....he is still gone and asking to come back but his time I am saying no. I don't know if therapy would work and I feel a bit resentful that he is putting us in this position. We are married now, we were married in June of this year. For this reason I want to try and fix this but I wonder if I am not being blind to his abuse and not seeing how bad it actually is because of love. I have an obligation to keep my kids in a healthy and happy home and he is destroying that for us for no reason. I am heartbroken and confused.

Hi, it sounds like a bad situation for you and your family. If he's not willing to go into therapy, for your own safety you should run, not walk, away. I hope you'll soon have better days.

I started to cry a little while reading this... I have been with abusive controlling men in my life...sticking around, trying to work it out and fix it only hurt me in the long run... I have a huge mistrust in men now and I have a major temper if any man makes me feel threatened in any way, its as if I am back in the moment when I was under attack. I have a life long restraining order against the man who hospitalized me by trying to gouge my eyes out after punching me in the stomach, losing my breath... but I was able escape when he tried burning my things in the kitchen as I was laying on the floor out of breath and the flames got out of control...
Listen... it ONLY GETS WORSE. These examples you are giving are TRUE SIGNS OF MAJOR ABUSE. You sound like such a loving and caring person PLEASE get out of this and cut ties immediately for your health and safety of yourself and family. WOMEN ARE MADE WITH INSTICTS TO PROTECT OURSELVES AND OUR CHILDREN... Your instincts are screaming at you right now which is why you are feeling scared and afraid and reaching out for help on this forum.
I hope and pray that you get out fast and I wish you and your family the very best.

I would keep my doors locked, if not for me, then for my child. best predictor for future behaviour is past behaviour.


That's actually how I found the strength to leave my ex, I didn't want my daughter to be subjected to growing up in an abusive household. No matter how much i missed him or how many good characteristics he had, they become a moot point when a child's health, happiness and safety is at stake. So I kicked her "father" to the curb and haven't looked back since.


You're in a bad situation, make no mistake, letting him back in the house for no other reason than you miss him will be a grave mistake.


You'll be teaching him that his behaviour is acceptable and that you'll eventually get over it whenever he steps out of line.


If he was serious about treating you better, he'd have taken steps to fix his abhorrent behaviour by now.

To me, threatening to hurt an animal is the most horrible thing a person could do. They are defenseless and he used it to manipulate you?! Wow. I kept waiting for the part of your story where you said he attempted to hurt one of your children because if he's jealous of your animals he will start to be jealous of your children too. I would run far and fast, but I've been in several abusive relationships before so I've worked to build the confidence to be able to do that if someone I loved were to threaten me again.

It turns out that your far-off love that you put up on a pedestal is not who you thought he was. You don't say how soon that Valentine's Day you moved in together was after you began talking but I'm guessing it was fairly quickly? You have so much stress in your life, you deserve someone who will help you through the bad times, not make them worse. People don't get over being abusive without lots of help and a willingness to admit they have a problem and work really hard. Abuse tends to escalate too because as we let them get away with worse and worse things, pretty soon they know they can do anything and we will take them back. I think you could benefit from therapy, and also think about whether or not it's safe to separate and possibly divorce.

He's being abusive in his threats. And someone that would put a child's bunny in traffic just screams PSYCHO. I'm sorry you married this man. He's playing mind games and being manipulative. Run while you can! He needs help!

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

Thank you all for your advice and concern.....he is already asking to come "home" but that isn't going to happen. I am so tired from all of the drama that I simply need a break. I am still grieving the loss of my mother to her illness and dementia. I have always had her to turn to...now it is just me and the children. It is also scary looking for work because I have lasting injuries from a bad accident I suffered 4 years ago that broke my neck. I am praying and trying to do what is right. For the first time in my life I am weak and tired in a way that is overwhelming......I pray for strength, I am 4 classes away from my BA in psychology.... I started taking classes when I was still in a neck brace, I felt that being idle would be the death of me and I would rather die than let my children down. Matilda the bunny is doing great. I also can't understand anyone threatening an animal. They bring me the kind of peace that I only find from being near my children, they remind me how great God is to have made such wonderful creatures.

Thank you so much for your advice and kind words, you are right. It is abuse...plain and simple.

You are right....it has escalated......and it just keeps getting worse. I have peace now tha he is gone.

Just be strong and remember the peace you feel now when you start to falter. It will happen, you will start second-guessing yourself, especially when he starts to be extra nice. That's cycle of abuse though Cycle of Abuse
You do deserve better and you can get through this!!